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1 Dear Sakura
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2 by Amazoness Duo and G.P.
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3 amazonessduo@hotmail.com
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4 pearsong1954@yahoo.com
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5
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6 I.
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7 Sakura felt the tickling caress of little wavelets as she plowed
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8 through the gentle waters of the bay. Glancing at a wetly glistening
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9 Tomoyo, she was met with azure eyes that regarded her with
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10 affectionate trust. With her odd costumes and curious remarks, the
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11 dark-haired girl kindled a half-blush, half-heartache that thrilled
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12 and confused the Mistress of the Cards. But there was no confusion
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13 now, only a sunny glow that lit Sakura's entire being as she held the
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14 soft, supple presence of her friend so delightfully close. Gazing
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15 into the deep water, she was amazed by the strange, colorful fish
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16 darting about. With mild surprise she scanned the horizon, and
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17 realized the shore was lost to view. But it didn't seem to matter;
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18 nothing mattered but being here with Tomoyo. She closed her eyes and
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19 pulled through the water with slow, leisurely strokes. I could swim
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20 like this forever, she thought languidly. Her friend’s lustrously
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21 dark hair was streaming in the water as they swam, and the girl’s
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22 pale skin sparkled in the dazzling sunlight. Sakura felt a sweet,
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23 overwhelming longing for the delicate girl by her side, and hugged
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24 her tightly, entranced by her delightful nearness. Her gaze caught
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25 the horizon, the seam between sea and sky that sparkled in the far
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26 distance. Staring at that razor's edge where blue met blue, Sakura
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27 felt love as she never had before. Yet somehow these feelings had
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28 always been with her, ever since she had been a child too young to
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29 know that such love can be. Perplexed by this tangle of emotions, she
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30 turned to ask her friend to explain this puzzling contradiction. But
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31 Tomoyo was gone.
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32
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33 Blinking in disbelief, Sakura circled in the water, expecting the
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34 girl to be bobbing on the shimmering surface nearby. But there was
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35 nothing, only sea and sky brilliantly lit by the tropical sun.
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36 Suddenly Sakura remembered, and her heart tightened and froze, "She
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37 can't swim". She thrashed in the water as panic swept her. But there
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38 was nothing save the disturbance of her wild swimming on the ocean’s
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39 placid film. Filling her lungs with air, Sakura dove deep into the
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40 water. The fish scattered as she swam, leaving her alone as she
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41 surged forward. The salty brine stung her eyes as she strained to
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42 see. But there was only water: empty, endless, and vast. Her lungs
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43 ached as each stroke pulled her deeper. The sea was now cold and dark
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44 as she left the dappled sunlight extinguished and plunged into a
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45 black nothingness. Completely disoriented, she lost all sense of
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46 direction and dimension. As the seconds swept by her heart, starved
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47 for oxygen, beat wildly out of control. Finally, her body panicked
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48 and sucked in lungfuls of burning seawater. The darkness spread from
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49 her vision to her mind as consciousness faded. When she died, the
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50 pain and panic gave way to a whispering sadness. Her final thoughts
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51 were of Tomoyo, and how she had failed to save her from drowning.
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52
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53 Sakura lurched out of bed as her lungs desperately gasped for air.
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54 Her heart hammered in her chest as she slowly came to, eyes
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55 discerning the dim outlines of her room in the pale starlight. With a
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56 hand held tightly to her breast, she remembered the dream that
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57 started so beautifully, and ended so horrifically. Still shaken, she
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58 slipped out of bed, opened the door, and stood in the hallway.
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59 Slumping to the floor, she pulled herself into a little ball and sat
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60 deep in thought. Part of her wanted to forget the awful dream. Surely
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61 it was nothing more than that; a night terror that dissipated with
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62 the coming of day. But Kero-chan once said that the dreams of a
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63 Cardcaptor were often prophetic, and thus important. The very idea
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64 that this dream held any glint of the future brought a shiver of
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65 fear. Sakura closed her eyes and forced herself to think. The dream
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66 had seemed so real. Worse than her own death was failing to save
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67 Tomoyo. Ever since that night in the garden, the pain in her best
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68 friend’s eyes had haunted Sakura. Somehow it seemed her fault that
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69 the dark-haired woman was suffering so. Never did the pale woman
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70 utter a single reproach, or even a plea for help. But those beautiful
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71 lavender eyes had betrayed her, and now Sakura knew that something
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72 was terribly wrong. Sakura also sensed that her friend was faithfully
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73 waiting for help. Tomoyo's trust was touching, but it frightened
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74 her.
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75
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76 Helping her friend wasn't a matter of capturing cards or fighting
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77 with magical forces. All that seemed simple compared to the problem
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78 of Tomoyo's heart. The person her friend loved she could not have,
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79 and despite efforts to conceal it, loneliness was a burden that bore
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80 heavily upon her. Tomoyo would not say who this special someone was,
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81 and Sakura felt a brief flash of anger. The least they could do is be
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82 aware of such a wonderful love, and to gently thank Tomoyo for it,
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83 even if they were unable to return her precious feelings. But then,
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84 what if they did know? Would that really help her, if they knew of
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85 her love but did not love her? Frustrated, Sakura rose and walked
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86 down the hall. She had to do something, anything. She had to help.
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87 But how? This was like fighting with shadows, dim outlines that she
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88 could barely perceive. In order to help, she needed to know. Sakura
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89 had to know who Tomoyo's special someone was. At this, she blushed
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90 and stopped pacing. Part of her asked mockingly, "And just why do you
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91 want to know? Are you jealous?" She shook her head, frustrated and
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92 disturbed by the confused feelings that gripped her. She knew she
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93 shouldn't feel bad that Tomoyo had her own true love. She knew in her
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94 heart that she desired Tomoyo’s happiness. But somehow, it hurt not
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95 to be that special someone. Tomoyo's affection was something she had
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96 grown up with, as much a part of her life as breathing. That this
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97 affection now caressed someone else was bittersweet, for while she
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98 was glad that love lit Tomoyo's gentle heart, it saddened her that
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99 she was not the one. This realization brought a new storm of
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100 frustration, and Sakura threw on a skirt and blouse, slipped on a
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101 pair of sandals, and walked out of the house.
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102
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103 The auburn-haired girl followed the road for a while, and then left
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104 it for the trail that led to the top of Victoria Peak. The air was
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105 cool on her face, and it felt good to walk the steep, snaking
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106 pathway. Through the trees she caught a glimpse of the city below,
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107 brightly lit and no doubt raucous even now in the early morning. She
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108 was glad the weekend was approaching, for she needed time. Surely
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109 this frustrating ignorance was worse than finally discovering who
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110 Tomoyo's love was. But part of her resisted, as if unwilling to know.
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111 In fact, part of her simply didn't want Tomoyo to be in love with
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112 someone else. This brought a blush, and a reprimand as Sakura scolded
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113 herself for such selfishness. But it was true, and she knew it. She
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114 had finally realized, during Tomoyo’s trip to Hong Kong, that she
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115 wanted Tomoyo's love for herself. To be the focus of Tomoyo's
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116 attention was an ecstasy beyond words. She remembered Tomoyo filming
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117 in the Matsukaya, remembered twirling and dancing for her friend's
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118 delight. This brought another blush, for those memories were
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119 intensely sweet and stirring. Sakura walked far along the pathway in
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120 this blissful state before her wandering mind returned to the task at
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121 hand. It occurred to her that her own feelings were part of the
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122 problem. They clouded her understanding, her ability to solve the
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123 riddle of Tomoyo's special someone. Until she first understood her
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124 own feelings, she would never understand Tomoyo’s. This was all so
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125 complicated, and made the capturing of the Cards seem almost easy.
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126
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127 The Cards were really no more than puzzles to be solved. As time
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128 went by, she had grown to love them. But at first, they were things
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129 to be captured, a job to be done. Tomoyo wasn't like that at all.
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130 Sakura cared deeply for her, and ironically this made it more
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131 difficult to help. Had she loved the Cards then as she did now,
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132 capturing and binding them would have been more difficult. She was so
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133 tangled in her emotions for Tomoyo that she nearly felt overwhelmed.
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134 And overwhelmed people, as her brother once remarked, are not very
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135 useful. Somehow, she had to understand her own feelings for the girl
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136 before she could help her.
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137
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138 Sakura suddenly realized she was nearly at the top of the peak. And
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139 there, just outside the heavy foliage flanking the trail, was the
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140 spot they had watched the moonrise together. Sakura walked on the
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141 soft grass, dew tickling her sandal-clad little feet. She sat down
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142 and gazed at the islands of the bay shrouded in the dark night. She
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143 stretched out on her back, hands behind her head, and stared up into
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144 the sky. The crescent moon was a tiny boat in a sea of stars, the
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145 vast emptiness illumined by thousands of brightly burning hearts.
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146 Sometimes she felt their power, her power, the power of the stars.
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147 When the Cards were all transformed, and Eriol’s final challenge
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148 overcome, she had never wondered what was next. Her love for Syaoran
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149 bloomed, thanks to the tender care of her friends. Sakura now
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150 realized that Tomoyo had helped her friend have a happy marriage that
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151 she would never have. That would be just like her, Sakura thought
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152 with a trace of sadness. She remembered the look in her eyes as they
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153 watched the parade of wedding dresses at the department store. "She
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154 must have felt that pain for a long time, but she hid it from me.
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155 Why? Why would she hide something like that? Because she didn't want
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156 me to feel bad. I was so happy to be married, and she didn't want to
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157 spoil my happiness with her feelings. I just ignored her all those
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158 years. It's like I didn't care at all."
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159
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160 Sakura sat up, damp from the dew and fighting back tears. She stared
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161 at the hands folded on her lap and whispered miserably, "I'm so
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162 sorry, Tomoyo-chan. I didn't know. I should have, but I just didn't
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163 know". She clenched her fists angrily. That was no excuse then, and
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164 it was no excuse now. Tomoyo was suffering, and needed her. Somehow,
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165 she had to help. She had to find Tomoyo's special someone and tell
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166 them. At least then Tomoyo's love would be appreciated, even if this
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167 person could not be with her. But would this really be any
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168 consolation? Poor Tomoyo would love this person with all her heart,
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169 but she would have nobody to love her. It all seemed so wrong and
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170 unfair. Tomoyo's love was like nothing Sakura had ever experienced.
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171 Even as just a friend, the joy and bliss of being loved by this
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172 wonderful girl was staggering. Through the years Sakura had been
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173 unaware of how luminous Tomoyo’s love was. "Only when I moved to Hong
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174 Kong," she thought, "did I really know what it would mean to be away
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175 from her". She tried to explain this to Tomoyo when they danced the
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176 night before she left for Japan, but words failed her as surely as
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177 she had failed Tomoyo. She stumblingly groped for words because she
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178 herself did not fully understand. Even now, all she really knew was
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179 that she missed Tomoyo desperately and longed to be with her. And if
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180 she did not know her own feelings, how could she possibly hope to
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181 help Tomoyo? Sakura stood up and hugged herself as a chill breeze
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182 swept the grassy swale. The sky had turned a pale gray. Dawn.
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183
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184 Sakura smiled, for if resolution would not absolve her of the hurt
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185 she had caused, it would at least set her guilt aside until she
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186 finished this important task. She would help Tomoyo, but to do so she
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187 must first know her own feelings. Until then, it would be impossible
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188 to find her way. Her feelings were inextricably bound with the
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189 beautiful dark-haired girl, but once they were unraveled she would
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190 see her way more clearly. But how could she know her own heart? She
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191 faced that riddle when Syaoran was leaving for Hong Kong. Then she
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192 was lucky, for friends told her what her heart desired. But now she
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193 was frighteningly alone, and did not know where to go for help. The
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194 one person she could trust ultimately was far away in Japan Besides,
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195 Sakura thought, even if she were at my side I couldn't ask her about
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196 this. The thought of the pale girl again at her side was a pleasant
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197 one, and brought back memories in a flood. Here they snuggled
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198 together, Tomoyo resting her head on Sakura’s shoulder while the moon
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199 sailed a velvet sky. Sakura longed to have those moments back, to
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200 live them again and again for all eternity. But sweet memories would
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201 not heal the hurts she had caused, and the Mistress of the Cards
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202 purged them from her mind. Clenching her fists, Sakura looked out at
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203 the dawn with determined eyes. Her voice was firm as she said out
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204 loud,
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205
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206 "I'll ask Dark-sama and Light-sama about my feelings. I'll make them
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207 tell me."
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208
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209 And for the instant these words were uttered, she looked like what
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210 she truly was: the most powerful being on earth. And her countenance
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211 was terrible to behold.
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212
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213 II.
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214 All through the day that followed that dawn, Sakura thought about
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215 the task ahead. At dinner Ieran-sama asked if she felt all right,
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216 "You are unusually quiet tonight, Sakura."
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217
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218 Sakura looked slightly surprised and bowed, "I'm fine, Ieran-sama.
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219 Thank you for your concern."
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220
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221 Fanren chirped in with a giggly voice, "Quiet, hmm? Maybe you've
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222 been around Syaoran-chan too long. Next thing you'll be all dour and
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223 grumpy, too."
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224
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225 Syaoran scowled and poked at his rice. But that only brought a fresh
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226 storm of teasing from Fanren, eager to see her little brother stalk
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227 off in a huff. Ieran-sama ended the game when she ordered the dishes
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228 cleared, and after helping to clean up Sakura worked on papers from
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229 school. After kissing Syaoran goodnight, she waited until the house
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230 was silent, and stole into the guest room. Or, as she now called it,
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231 Tomoyo’s room.
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232
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233 She took the Cards from the drawer of the old colonial desk, and
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234 decided Shield would seal her off from the rest of the household.
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235 Looking at her skirt and blouse, she wished they were not quite so
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236 plain. Kero always said the Cards preferred a proper looking
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237 Mistress, and Tomoyo's creations had seemingly charmed and impressed
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238 them. Certainly Kero had approved, Sakura thought ruefully,
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239 especially when he got to share in the sartorial splendor. Well, what
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240 she now wore would have to do. She pulled the chain around her neck
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241 from her blouse and spoke the chant of power. In a blinding flash
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242 Shield came to life, barring the doors and windows with golden
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243 chains. Holding her staff in one hand, Sakura picked up The Dark and
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244 The Light and flicked them into the air. With a twirl and a flourish
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245 she awakened them amid a gale of shadow and blaze. They stood before
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246 her shimmering with power, beautiful and majestic. Instinctively she
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247 bowed, and they returned her bow with graceful solemnity. Light
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248 smiled cheerfully and spoke while Dark waited pensively,
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249
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250 “Konbanwa, Sakura-chan. How are you this lovely evening”? Despite
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251 her earnestness, Sakura smiled in sheer delight. The beauty of the
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252 two was always such a joy to behold. They stood together,
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253 affectionately holding hands, long, lustrous hair floating as if they
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254 were underwater. They were a perfect contrast, yet a perfect pair,
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255 and Sakura’s heart ached to see them together. She was always careful
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256 to place the two cards next to one another, for which Light had
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257 laughingly thanked her, but said it was unnecessary, “We have always
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258 been together, and ever shall be.” But Sakura now tried to look
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259 serious, for she knew the two could be cryptic, playfully hiding the
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260 knowledge she desired. In a commanding voice, edged with the power of
|
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rlm@0
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261 the Mistress of the Cards, Sakura spoke,
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rlm@0
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262
|
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rlm@0
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263 “Thank you, Light-sama. I am well. But there is something I need
|
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rlm@0
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264 from you.”
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rlm@0
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265
|
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rlm@0
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266 The response was so different from the young woman’s normal tone
|
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rlm@0
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267 that Light-sama was taken aback and did not reply. Dark-sama spoke in
|
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rlm@0
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268 a voice like rustlings in the shadows, “Speak, Mistress, for all we
|
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rlm@0
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269 have is yours to ask for”.
|
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rlm@0
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270
|
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rlm@0
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271 Uncomfortable with such a formal reply, Sakura shifted her stance.
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rlm@0
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272 She was never like this with the Cards, and it all seemed very out of
|
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rlm@0
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273 place. But she had to find out for Tomoyo’s sake, so again she spoke
|
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rlm@0
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274 up firmly, “I need to know my feelings for Tomoyo-chan”.
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rlm@0
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275
|
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rlm@0
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276 Sakura thought she detected the briefest hint of a smile on Dark-
|
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rlm@0
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277 sama’s normally impassive face. But it was Light-sama that answered
|
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rlm@0
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278 back in a ringing, almost angry, challenge, “We cannot do what you
|
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rlm@0
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279 ask”.
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rlm@0
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280
|
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rlm@0
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281 Sakura looked down at the floor, wishing she had one of Tomoyo’s
|
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rlm@0
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282 impressive costumes to make her feel more imperious than she felt.
|
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rlm@0
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283 Suddenly a flash of anger energized her, and in a stern voice that
|
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rlm@0
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284 shook the room she shot back, “I can command you to answer”.
|
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rlm@0
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285
|
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rlm@0
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286 Light-sama looked surprised, and a nearly imperceptible trace of
|
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rlm@0
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287 fear darkened the light that glowed all around her. She quickly
|
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rlm@0
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288 recovered, fixing Sakura with a haughty stare. She began to reply,
|
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rlm@0
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289 but Dark-sama gently touched her shoulder, calming her at a glance
|
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rlm@0
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290 with dark, gentle eyes. The shadowy figure then turned to Sakura and
|
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rlm@0
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291 stepped forward. She knelt down and bowed low, forehead touching the
|
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rlm@0
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292 floor, black hair forming a darkly radiant pool on the floor. Her
|
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rlm@0
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293 feathery voice was mild and meek,
|
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rlm@0
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294
|
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rlm@0
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295 “It is your right as Mistress of the Cards. You may command us, if
|
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rlm@0
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296 that is truly your wish.”
|
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rlm@0
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297
|
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rlm@0
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298 Sakura’s heart sank. It felt so awful, as if she were forcing them
|
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rlm@0
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299 to do her bidding like servants, or even slaves. She knew that was
|
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rlm@0
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300 how Clow Reed had dealt with them; even Yue and Kereberous never
|
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rlm@0
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301 dared address him as other than “Master”. But Sakura loved her Cards,
|
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rlm@0
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302 not as their Master but as their friend, and it hurt her to see Dark-
|
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rlm@0
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303 sama bowing like this. Trembling, she realized she could never force
|
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rlm@0
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304 them against their will, even if she did have the right. Her
|
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rlm@0
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305 shoulders slumped and she lowered the staff, defeated by the gentle
|
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rlm@0
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306 submission of Dark-sama. Verging on tears she answered haltingly,
|
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rlm@0
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307 “Gomenesai, Dark-sama, Light-sama. I don’t want to be like that with
|
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rlm@0
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308 you. I can’t.” She looked up, her emerald eyes wet with tears. Light-
|
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rlm@0
|
309 sama again stared in surprise, but this time with pity, not defiance.
|
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rlm@0
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310 Dark-sama smiled as she rose gracefully from her bow, then leaned
|
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rlm@0
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311 over and placed her hands on the woman’s shoulders. Her tranquil
|
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rlm@0
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312 voice was melodious and calming,
|
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rlm@0
|
313
|
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rlm@0
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314 “That is why the Cards love you so, Sakura-chan. We would do
|
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rlm@0
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315 anything for you, because you do not command us. But we cannot tell
|
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rlm@0
|
316 you your feelings for Tomoyo. We cannot tell you, because only you
|
|
rlm@0
|
317 can know what is in your heart.”
|
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rlm@0
|
318
|
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rlm@0
|
319 Sakura again remembered agonizing over Syaoran’s departure to Hong
|
|
rlm@0
|
320 Kong. How would she have known what was in her own heart if her
|
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rlm@0
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321 friends had not helped her, nudged her, and all but told her that
|
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rlm@0
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322 Syaoran was her true love? As if reading her thoughts, Light-sama
|
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rlm@0
|
323 spoke up brightly,
|
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rlm@0
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324
|
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rlm@0
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325 “Others cannot know such things, and though they mean to help they
|
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rlm@0
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326 bring confusion, not light. Sakura-chan, you have never really known
|
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rlm@0
|
327 your own heart, or these feelings would not be a mystery to you. You
|
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rlm@0
|
328 must do this yourself if you would know the truth”.
|
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rlm@0
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329
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rlm@0
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330 Sakura looked hesitant and uncertain. She was confident in many
|
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rlm@0
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331 things, but not this. Not knowing her own feelings. They had always
|
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rlm@0
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332 been baffling, an emotional web that frustrated and bound her. She
|
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rlm@0
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333 had been so thankful when everyone had helped her before. But if this
|
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rlm@0
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334 was something she must do alone, then she would try her hardest. For
|
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rlm@0
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335 Tomoyo’s sake she could not fail. Sakura felt a surge of strength
|
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rlm@0
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336 that steeled her determination. She bowed low to the wise and
|
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rlm@0
|
337 beautiful women. Her smile was bright and confident as she spoke with
|
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rlm@0
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338 an enthusiastic but steady voice, “Thank you so very much, Dark-sama
|
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rlm@0
|
339 and Light-sama. I promise I will try my best.”
|
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rlm@0
|
340
|
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rlm@0
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341
|
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rlm@0
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342 The two women shimmered before her, smiles filling her with peace
|
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rlm@0
|
343 and strength. She resisted the urge to hug them, and instead bowed
|
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rlm@0
|
344 again and returned Shield to its card form. As Sakura turned to go,
|
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rlm@0
|
345 Light-sama approached her. Breathless, she saw the glowing figure
|
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rlm@0
|
346 lean over her, golden hair waving in the air like seaweed in an ocean
|
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rlm@0
|
347 swell. She met Sakura’s forehead with a tender kiss and the words,
|
|
rlm@0
|
348 “To help light your way, Mistress”. Sakura felt a surge of warmth and
|
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rlm@0
|
349 hope, and smiled radiantly as she bowed her thanks. With that the
|
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rlm@0
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350 young woman was gone, leaving Dark and Light to linger awhile,
|
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rlm@0
|
351 content in the eloquent silence of each other’s company.
|
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rlm@0
|
352
|
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rlm@0
|
353 III.
|
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rlm@0
|
354 Sakura stirred her coffee with absent-minded detachment. The quaint
|
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rlm@0
|
355 little café overlooked the Bay, offering a scenic vista of ferryboats
|
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rlm@0
|
356 and seagulls. But Sakura’s attention was far away, in another time
|
|
rlm@0
|
357 and place altogether. She had wandered the landscape of childhood all
|
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rlm@0
|
358 day long, and like an explorer returning home came bearing strange
|
|
rlm@0
|
359 and exotic memories. She realized now that her time as a child had
|
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rlm@0
|
360 been like the nursery-rhyme song so dimly remembered: “Merrily,
|
|
rlm@0
|
361 merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream”. It was as if she had
|
|
rlm@0
|
362 dreamt away her years in Tomoeda, and now awakened to the marvels
|
|
rlm@0
|
363 that filled her pleasant slumber.
|
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rlm@0
|
364
|
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rlm@0
|
365 Above all else was the extraordinary love of her best friend,
|
|
rlm@0
|
366 Tomoyo. This love had been sweetly present all through her life. As
|
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rlm@0
|
367 she meandered through memory she saw it in places unsuspected and
|
|
rlm@0
|
368 unlooked for. Love was there in all the girl did and all that she
|
|
rlm@0
|
369 was. Love was sewn into the elaborate costumes Sakura had worn in
|
|
rlm@0
|
370 capturing the Cards. At the time, their excess of kawaii had caused
|
|
rlm@0
|
371 the Cardcaptor no end of embarrassment. Yet Tomoyo sewed them with
|
|
rlm@0
|
372 meticulous care, and if they were playful and carefree, they also
|
|
rlm@0
|
373 marked Sakura in a singular way as the new Cardcaptor. But most of
|
|
rlm@0
|
374 all they reflected the glowing love that Tomoyo held for her. The
|
|
rlm@0
|
375 girl was ecstatic when her friend wore them, and that crazy, innocent
|
|
rlm@0
|
376 delight was something Sakura painfully missed. No longer embarrassed,
|
|
rlm@0
|
377 she longed once again be the focus of the rapturous love.
|
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rlm@0
|
378
|
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rlm@0
|
379 Tomoyo’s love embraced her in a comforting cocoon of blissful
|
|
rlm@0
|
380 contentment, yet it also tossed her into the sky, deliriously free to
|
|
rlm@0
|
381 soar beyond limits she would never have dared on her own. Tomoyo’s
|
|
rlm@0
|
382 love was vast and deep, a mysterious ocean that gently rocked and
|
|
rlm@0
|
383 swayed Sakura’s heart. Tomoyo gave her strength and hope, help and
|
|
rlm@0
|
384 solace, and the delightful charm of her shinning presence. “And what
|
|
rlm@0
|
385 did I give her?” Sakura thought in a hot flash of shame. “I took all
|
|
rlm@0
|
386 my problems to her, and she helped me every time. But I didn’t help
|
|
rlm@0
|
387 her. I didn’t even know about her special love. She did so much for
|
|
rlm@0
|
388 me, and I never even let her know. I didn’t even know myself.” This
|
|
rlm@0
|
389 last thought seemed particularly bitter.
|
|
rlm@0
|
390
|
|
rlm@0
|
391 Sakura realized that Tomoyo had paid a dear price for her friend’s
|
|
rlm@0
|
392 denseness. “She supported me, and I ignored her. I took her for
|
|
rlm@0
|
393 granted, like she would always be there, just for me. How could I
|
|
rlm@0
|
394 have been so selfish?” So powerful and ever-present was Tomoyo’s love
|
|
rlm@0
|
395 that Sakura simply grew used to it. It pained her to think so, but it
|
|
rlm@0
|
396 could not be denied. Like air and water, Tomoyo’s love was something
|
|
rlm@0
|
397 Sakura needed, and unconsciously came to expect. She had taken her
|
|
rlm@0
|
398 marvelous friend for granted. She knew this now because Tomoyo was
|
|
rlm@0
|
399 far away, and that love and affection were no longer a part of
|
|
rlm@0
|
400 Sakura’s daily life. This knowledge made the memories of her time in
|
|
rlm@0
|
401 school with Syaoran especially hard to face. When Syaoran returned
|
|
rlm@0
|
402 from Hong Kong, she had flown to his arms, losing herself in the
|
|
rlm@0
|
403 Chinese magician. Enamored by his stoic strength and charmed by his
|
|
rlm@0
|
404 stingily given attentions, she had been oblivious to all else. She
|
|
rlm@0
|
405 remembered the time they sat in swings at the park while she spoke
|
|
rlm@0
|
406 about her feelings for Yukito. She was deeply moved as he silently
|
|
rlm@0
|
407 listened to her, but now she wondered if his silence was more a lack
|
|
rlm@0
|
408 of interest than concern. But how many times had Tomoyo listened to
|
|
rlm@0
|
409 her problems and worries, really listened with all her heart and
|
|
rlm@0
|
410 spirit? She was always there, sympathetic and caring, listening to
|
|
rlm@0
|
411 confessions and sobs until dawn chased the stars away. Even now it
|
|
rlm@0
|
412 was Tomoyo she went to with all of her problems, as well as her
|
|
rlm@0
|
413 delights and joys. But Sakura had hardly given Tomoyo’s fragile heart
|
|
rlm@0
|
414 a second thought. She always assumed the girl was happy, for the dark-
|
|
rlm@0
|
415 haired girl never spoke of the pain and hurt that Sakura had seen so
|
|
rlm@0
|
416 recently in her eyes.
|
|
rlm@0
|
417
|
|
rlm@0
|
418 Was this pain new? Had her friend sailed blithely through childhood
|
|
rlm@0
|
419 without worry or care? It was comforting to think, but Sakura sensed
|
|
rlm@0
|
420 it was not so. No, Tomoyo must have had some sadness and
|
|
rlm@0
|
421 disappointment throughout the years they were together. But she had
|
|
rlm@0
|
422 never said a word, and Sakura had never asked. She kept whatever
|
|
rlm@0
|
423 troubled her to herself, but why? The answer, Sakura thought as she
|
|
rlm@0
|
424 sipped her cold coffee, was stark and obvious: for me.
|
|
rlm@0
|
425
|
|
rlm@0
|
426 Not only was Tomoyo always there for her, but she carefully kept her
|
|
rlm@0
|
427 own problems from Sakura as well. The toll these years of sacrifice
|
|
rlm@0
|
428 must have cost her friend seemed staggering. On the brink of tears,
|
|
rlm@0
|
429 Sakura thought to herself, “She was always there for me, and happy
|
|
rlm@0
|
430 for me, and silent for me. And I never even knew”. Hurriedly leaving
|
|
rlm@0
|
431 money on the table, she began headed into the center of the busy
|
|
rlm@0
|
432 city. Walking usually eased her heart, but not today. She thought of
|
|
rlm@0
|
433 those last years in High School where her world revolved around
|
|
rlm@0
|
434 Syaoran. Sometimes he was all she could think about. When he was in
|
|
rlm@0
|
435 Japan they were always together, and when he was absent she talked
|
|
rlm@0
|
436 and thought and dreamed about him, and little else. Never did she ask
|
|
rlm@0
|
437 about Tomoyo’s crushes, or dates, or cherished hopes. There weren’t
|
|
rlm@0
|
438 any, of course; only a hopeless love from afar that left her lonely,
|
|
rlm@0
|
439 a shattered heart her only confidante. Ever since Tomoyo explained
|
|
rlm@0
|
440 the reason for not buying a teddy bear for her special someone,
|
|
rlm@0
|
441 Sakura had assumed her odd friend was content with unrequited love.
|
|
rlm@0
|
442 She thought of her reply at the time, “I know Tomoyo’s special person
|
|
rlm@0
|
443 must be very happy”. Now it sounded shallow and ridiculous, and the
|
|
rlm@0
|
444 memory of her remark made her physically ill.
|
|
rlm@0
|
445
|
|
rlm@0
|
446 “Baka.” Sakura felt a rare anger welling up inside, an anger that
|
|
rlm@0
|
447 accused her of a cruel disregard, “It’s a wonder she can stand to be
|
|
rlm@0
|
448 around me.” Yet this was one of the many miracles of her dearest
|
|
rlm@0
|
449 friend. Never once, in any way, did Tomoyo betray a trace of anger or
|
|
rlm@0
|
450 reproach. Not a word, or a gesture, or a sign did she give of the
|
|
rlm@0
|
451 wrong that Sakura had done her through a carefree and foolish
|
|
rlm@0
|
452 neglect. She hid her pain, and all those years Sakura did not see.
|
|
rlm@0
|
453 But what she did see, despite the hurt done her, was Tomoyo’s
|
|
rlm@0
|
454 astonishing love. That was no mask. Her love had sweetly shaken
|
|
rlm@0
|
455 Sakura’s heart, and was as real as the warmth of the sun. With Tomoyo
|
|
rlm@0
|
456 gone that love was now distant, and for four months Sakura felt the
|
|
rlm@0
|
457 ache of loneliness. Slowly she realized what it meant when that love
|
|
rlm@0
|
458 was absent from her everyday life. Sakura felt on the edge of
|
|
rlm@0
|
459 collapse before Tomoyo came to Hong Kong, and it was this finally
|
|
rlm@0
|
460 opened her eyes to what the dark-haired woman meant to her. But poor
|
|
rlm@0
|
461 Tomoyo had endured years of such desolation, alone, without even the
|
|
rlm@0
|
462 hope of being with her true love. “She should hate me,” Sakura
|
|
rlm@0
|
463 thought as she sobbed, “but she still loves me.” Oblivious to the
|
|
rlm@0
|
464 curious stares and embarrassed glances from people passing buy,
|
|
rlm@0
|
465 Sakura cried her way to the bus stop that would take her to Silver
|
|
rlm@0
|
466 Strand Beach.
|
|
rlm@0
|
467
|
|
rlm@0
|
468 When the bus boarded the ferry, Sakura stepped out and stood on the
|
|
rlm@0
|
469 bow of the little boat chuffing over the water. The sea breeze eased
|
|
rlm@0
|
470 her distress, and the salt spray cleansed and refreshed her. Gulls
|
|
rlm@0
|
471 circled and dipped in the late morning sun, greedy for scraps and
|
|
rlm@0
|
472 tidbits from the tiny humans below. They set up a noisy chorus when a
|
|
rlm@0
|
473 young boy and his mother hurled pieces of sandwich high into the air.
|
|
rlm@0
|
474 As the birds pirouted and swooped, snatching the bread in mid-flight,
|
|
rlm@0
|
475 Sakura remembered flying, remembered the dizzy, dancing joy of
|
|
rlm@0
|
476 cleaving the air with magical wings. In the air you were free, but
|
|
rlm@0
|
477 that was a different sort of freedom than what she embraced in Hong
|
|
rlm@0
|
478 Kong. Here she had her new life, free from the family and friends of
|
|
rlm@0
|
479 her old life. She was free, but miserable. Now, far away from
|
|
rlm@0
|
480 Tomoyo’s affection, she felt a leaden burden that weighed heavier
|
|
rlm@0
|
481 upon her with each passing day. Worse, by flying away to a life with
|
|
rlm@0
|
482 the man she loved, she forgot her obligations to her dearest friend.
|
|
rlm@0
|
483 Sakura remembered a tearful confession in one of her letters, an
|
|
rlm@0
|
484 apology for not knowing sooner how hard it was for Tomoyo to be
|
|
rlm@0
|
485 without her true love. The woman replied in soothing tones; you
|
|
rlm@0
|
486 didn’t now, it’s all right. But she should have known, and it wasn’t
|
|
rlm@0
|
487 all right at all. Unaware of Tomoyo’s needs, Sakura had proven a
|
|
rlm@0
|
488 selfish and insensitive friend. She burned with shame at the very
|
|
rlm@0
|
489 thought of her neglect But all this would change, and it would change
|
|
rlm@0
|
490 now. She would discover Tomoyo’s special person, and talk to them.
|
|
rlm@0
|
491 She would tell them of Tomoyo’s precious feelings. And then, she
|
|
rlm@0
|
492 thought excitedly as she again boarded the bus, Tomoyo would have her
|
|
rlm@0
|
493 happy ending. Unless, of course, that special person did not love
|
|
rlm@0
|
494 Tomoyo. What then?
|
|
rlm@0
|
495
|
|
rlm@0
|
496 Sakura slumped in her seat as the bus left the ferry and wound it’s
|
|
rlm@0
|
497 way up the east coast to the beach. What if this mysterious person
|
|
rlm@0
|
498 did not share Tomoyo’s feelings, or was already with someone else?
|
|
rlm@0
|
499 Tomoyo had said as much in her letters, pleading with Sakura to let
|
|
rlm@0
|
500 things be. Sakura’s hesitation was brief. Her resolution to make up
|
|
rlm@0
|
501 for past failings drove her forward with staunch determination. She
|
|
rlm@0
|
502 would help heal the sadness reflected in Tomoyo’s hauntingly
|
|
rlm@0
|
503 beautiful eyes. There would never be any chance for Tomoyo if this
|
|
rlm@0
|
504 true love never knew her feelings. And if they did not love her? This
|
|
rlm@0
|
505 seemed inconceiveable, so Sakura decided to worry about it if it
|
|
rlm@0
|
506 happened. It felt good, finally knowing what to do. Her mind made up,
|
|
rlm@0
|
507 Sakura sensed something like contentment as she turned to the
|
|
rlm@0
|
508 difficult question that had to be answered before she could begin:
|
|
rlm@0
|
509 just what were her feelings for Tomoyo?
|
|
rlm@0
|
510
|
|
rlm@0
|
511 When the bus let off the passengers at the beach, Sakura was
|
|
rlm@0
|
512 relieved to see that there were relatively few people enjoying the
|
|
rlm@0
|
513 water. She had a towel to lay on, but no swimsuit. She simply wanted
|
|
rlm@0
|
514 to be here, where they had shared part of an all too brief day
|
|
rlm@0
|
515 together. Slipping off her sandals, Sakura felt the hot sand beneath
|
|
rlm@0
|
516 her bare feet. Walking to the water’s edge, she traced the line
|
|
rlm@0
|
517 between sea and shore, warm water tickling her feet, delightedly
|
|
rlm@0
|
518 digging her toe into the dark, wet sand. Finally, she found a spot
|
|
rlm@0
|
519 and laid out the colorful towel, then sat and watched the other
|
|
rlm@0
|
520 beachgoers. A boy run up to the oncoming waves, squeeled, and then
|
|
rlm@0
|
521 run back laughing to his mother. The sun was bright and reflected off
|
|
rlm@0
|
522 the water with a glare, so Sakura closed her eyes and began to try
|
|
rlm@0
|
523 and understand her feelings for Tomoyo.
|
|
rlm@0
|
524
|
|
rlm@0
|
525 Tomoyo was her best friend, and had been ever since the gift of a
|
|
rlm@0
|
526 little eraser in third grade. Sakura remembered that first day in
|
|
rlm@0
|
527 class surprisingly well. Daidouji Tomoyo had been introduced as a
|
|
rlm@0
|
528 transfer student, bowing shyly as all eyes in the class appraised
|
|
rlm@0
|
529 her. She was given the seat next to Sakura, and as the new girl
|
|
rlm@0
|
530 unpacked her books, the brunette gazed at her in wonder. Dressed in a
|
|
rlm@0
|
531 brand new uniform, lustrous lavender hair covering her back and
|
|
rlm@0
|
532 shoulders, she was the prettiest girl Sakura had ever seen. When the
|
|
rlm@0
|
533 Daidouji girl glanced her way, the genki girl flashed a radiant
|
|
rlm@0
|
534 smile. This brought a crimson blush that graced the new girl’s
|
|
rlm@0
|
535 strikingly pale skin. Later in the day she saw a distressed Tomoyo
|
|
rlm@0
|
536 frantically looking in her book bag. Sakura cheerfully gave her an
|
|
rlm@0
|
537 eraser to correct her mistake, a gift the girl accepted with surprise
|
|
rlm@0
|
538 and delight. Later they sat together for lunch, talking about family
|
|
rlm@0
|
539 and food and all the little things so important to children. Sakura
|
|
rlm@0
|
540 liked her from the very first, and they quickly became best friends.
|
|
rlm@0
|
541 They were inseparable, sharing moments and memories while the years
|
|
rlm@0
|
542 passed by like a slow, melodious song.
|
|
rlm@0
|
543
|
|
rlm@0
|
544
|
|
rlm@0
|
545 Everything a best friend should be the pale, kindly girl had been.
|
|
rlm@0
|
546 She was kind and caring, always there with love and support. Sakura
|
|
rlm@0
|
547 now wondered if she could ever have gone through the trials of
|
|
rlm@0
|
548 childhood and adolescence without her. All through the capturing of
|
|
rlm@0
|
549 the Cards, their transformation, and the final battle with Eriol,
|
|
rlm@0
|
550 Tomoyo had been by her side. The dark-haired girl filled her with a
|
|
rlm@0
|
551 confidence she often lacked, and made it possible to meet challenges
|
|
rlm@0
|
552 that would otherwise have been overwhelming. Tomoyo meant a shoulder
|
|
rlm@0
|
553 to cry on, a reassuring hug, and words of sympathy and solace. She
|
|
rlm@0
|
554 adored her friend, and Sakura basked in that glowing adoration. It
|
|
rlm@0
|
555 was odd to think of it like this, but it was almost as if she were
|
|
rlm@0
|
556 Tomoyo’s special someone. Tomoyo affection for her best friend made
|
|
rlm@0
|
557 Sakura feel unique, exceptional, and loved. In turn, she loved Tomoyo
|
|
rlm@0
|
558 as her best friend. There was a quiet contentment in her presence.
|
|
rlm@0
|
559 Sometimes they would just sit together, watching a sunset, or leaves
|
|
rlm@0
|
560 blown in the wind. There was no need for words. Their friendship
|
|
rlm@0
|
561 found comfort in the intimate silence they shared. Just to be with
|
|
rlm@0
|
562 her made Sakura’s heart glad. Sakura carried the knowledge that
|
|
rlm@0
|
563 Tomoyo would always be there for her. She could always rely on Tomoyo
|
|
rlm@0
|
564 her help, advice, and insight. Sakura passed through childhood
|
|
rlm@0
|
565 virtually free of fear or anxiety, save for ghosts, of course, There
|
|
rlm@0
|
566 was no place for fear with Tomoyo as her friend.
|
|
rlm@0
|
567
|
|
rlm@0
|
568 Sakura opened her eyes and squinted against the brilliant sunlight.
|
|
rlm@0
|
569 She scanned the horizon and saw a small fleet of junks bobbing in the
|
|
rlm@0
|
570 water, nets hauling in a sparkling catch of fish that glittered like
|
|
rlm@0
|
571 silver. She loved to eat fish, but was happy not to have to catch
|
|
rlm@0
|
572 them. The thought of the poor things thrashing helplessly about as
|
|
rlm@0
|
573 they were hauled out of the water reminded her of last night’s dream,
|
|
rlm@0
|
574 and she shivered despite the heat. Like the fish, this is how she
|
|
rlm@0
|
575 felt living in Hong Kong: stunned, disoriented, and desperate.
|
|
rlm@0
|
576 Struggling to cope with this distress, she slowly discerned its
|
|
rlm@0
|
577 cause. It was because she missed Tomoyo. She missed the constant,
|
|
rlm@0
|
578 sparkling presence of the tender girl in far-away Tomoeda. Slowly
|
|
rlm@0
|
579 Sakura began to fathom the depths of her feelings for her best
|
|
rlm@0
|
580 friend. She had always liked her, more than any of her other many
|
|
rlm@0
|
581 friends. But it was more than just liking her that she felt. It was
|
|
rlm@0
|
582 love. Sakura knew she was terribly dense about human feelings. It was
|
|
rlm@0
|
583 so very hard to understand her emotions, let alone those of others.
|
|
rlm@0
|
584 This ignorance caused pain and embarrassment, and even now was the
|
|
rlm@0
|
585 reason for her curious odyssey. Being away from Tomoyo had thrown her
|
|
rlm@0
|
586 into an emotional storm, yet all the agony it caused her eyes were
|
|
rlm@0
|
587 finally opened. She missed Tomoyo so terribly because she loved her.
|
|
rlm@0
|
588
|
|
rlm@0
|
589 Of course, She missed her other friends, like Naoko, and Chisato,
|
|
rlm@0
|
590 and Rika. But not like this, not like Tomoyo. Being away from the
|
|
rlm@0
|
591 azure-eyed girl left her lonely and frantic, teetering on a despair
|
|
rlm@0
|
592 that should have had no place in her happy married life. So powerful
|
|
rlm@0
|
593 were her feelings that it no longer made sense to think she simply
|
|
rlm@0
|
594 “liked” her best friend. She experienced emotions somewhat like this
|
|
rlm@0
|
595 with Syaoran and Yukito, but nowhere near as deep and intense. In the
|
|
rlm@0
|
596 time away from Tomoyo, she finally came to understand that she loved
|
|
rlm@0
|
597 her best friend. But just what did this love mean? At first, she
|
|
rlm@0
|
598 decided it was the love of friendship. She remembered a moving story
|
|
rlm@0
|
599 of the ancient Greeks. It told of a man condemned to death, but
|
|
rlm@0
|
600 given his freedom to attend a sister’s wedding on the condition that
|
|
rlm@0
|
601 should he fail to return at the appointed time, his best friend would
|
|
rlm@0
|
602 die in his place. The man fought through incredible hazards and
|
|
rlm@0
|
603 hardships, but in the end returned and faced death for the love of
|
|
rlm@0
|
604 his friend. Sakura cried when she read this tale, and for the first
|
|
rlm@0
|
605 time understood that love bound friends as surely as it did lovers.
|
|
rlm@0
|
606 She even wrote about this in a letter to Tomoyo, asking if someone
|
|
rlm@0
|
607 could be more than a best friend, could be a “special friend”. But
|
|
rlm@0
|
608 listening now to waves crashing on the beach, and random cries of
|
|
rlm@0
|
609 children playing, Sakura knew the love she bore Tomoyo lay beyond the
|
|
rlm@0
|
610 bounds of friendship.
|
|
rlm@0
|
611
|
|
rlm@0
|
612
|
|
rlm@0
|
613 She heard the playful screech of a little girl who was tagged, and
|
|
rlm@0
|
614 now ran after her former persuer to make them “it”. The sun was
|
|
rlm@0
|
615 lowering towards the western horizon, bathing the hills of the New
|
|
rlm@0
|
616 Territories in a fiery orange glow. She suddenly realized she had
|
|
rlm@0
|
617 forgotten to put suntan lotion on her face and arms. Gingerly the
|
|
rlm@0
|
618 young woman touched her skin, hoping the burn would not be too
|
|
rlm@0
|
619 severe. This triggered memories of Tomoyo stretched out on the towel,
|
|
rlm@0
|
620 Sakura rubbing the cool lotion into her creamy, alabaster skin. The
|
|
rlm@0
|
621 woman on the beach caught her breath and felt a crimson flush spread
|
|
rlm@0
|
622 over her neck and cheeks. Shaking her head, she tried to focus on the
|
|
rlm@0
|
623 question of just how she loved Tomoyo. There was an intimacy between
|
|
rlm@0
|
624 the two, more like sisters than best friends. Sakura recalled
|
|
rlm@0
|
625 frantically phoning Tomoyo late one night when she was barely
|
|
rlm@0
|
626 thirteen. Suspended between mortified embarrassment and utter
|
|
rlm@0
|
627 terror, she was sure she had been stricken with some dread disease,
|
|
rlm@0
|
628 but could not bring herself to ask her brother or father for help.
|
|
rlm@0
|
629 Only Tomoyo would do. After calming the panicky girl with her soft,
|
|
rlm@0
|
630 melodious voice, Tomoyo spoke with her mother and quickly returned a
|
|
rlm@0
|
631 diagnosis was as old as girls and women themselves. In minutes Tomoyo
|
|
rlm@0
|
632 arrived at the Kinomoto residence to comfort and be with her friend.
|
|
rlm@0
|
633 Of all the people Sakura had ever known, there was no one she felt
|
|
rlm@0
|
634 safer with in sharing her most private thoughts and secrets. There
|
|
rlm@0
|
635 was that special trust of family between them, though without the
|
|
rlm@0
|
636 irritation she so often felt with her brother. The bond between the
|
|
rlm@0
|
637 two girls felt deep and ancient, as indeed it was.
|
|
rlm@0
|
638
|
|
rlm@0
|
639 Sakura wondered sometimes about the blood ties between them. Their
|
|
rlm@0
|
640 Mothers had been cousins, and grew up together in cherished intimacy.
|
|
rlm@0
|
641 It seemed that Sonomi had loved Nadeshiko, and the two were
|
|
rlm@0
|
642 inseparable until Fujitaka came between them. It was funny that their
|
|
rlm@0
|
643 mothers had been so close, just like their daughters. But Marriage
|
|
rlm@0
|
644 tore them apart, and Sakura now grieved for Sonomi. She was sad, and
|
|
rlm@0
|
645 even a bit guilty, for if Nadeshiko had blossomed in her marriage,
|
|
rlm@0
|
646 Sonomi had never quite recovered from her lost love. Tomoyo hinted in
|
|
rlm@0
|
647 a letter that Sonomi was a bit like Sakura’s sensei friend, and this
|
|
rlm@0
|
648 comparison cut like a razor. She had seen Jun-sama’s suffering first
|
|
rlm@0
|
649 hand, and the thought that the kind and beautiful Sonomi shared this
|
|
rlm@0
|
650 pain was unbearable.
|
|
rlm@0
|
651
|
|
rlm@0
|
652 Yet as Tomoyo had once laughingly observed, things were curiously
|
|
rlm@0
|
653 mixed up. While the daughters were, like their mothers, somehow
|
|
rlm@0
|
654 connected, it was as if Sakura and Tomoyo had been switched at birth.
|
|
rlm@0
|
655 Each looked and acted much like the other’s mother. Like Sonomi,
|
|
rlm@0
|
656 Sakura was athletic, hot-tempered, and determined to succeed in all
|
|
rlm@0
|
657 she did. Tomoyo, like Nadeshiko, was quiet, quirky, and brimming with
|
|
rlm@0
|
658 love. In an odd way, physical and psychological aspects of the
|
|
rlm@0
|
659 Amamiya cousins had been blended together in their children. But no
|
|
rlm@0
|
660 matter how she considered her relationship to Tomoyo, Sakura realized
|
|
rlm@0
|
661 there was a deeper connection between them than mere friendship.
|
|
rlm@0
|
662 Although unaware of each other for eight years, the two girls fell
|
|
rlm@0
|
663 instantly fell together like long lost siblings. For Sakura, Tomoyo
|
|
rlm@0
|
664 felt like a lost part of her very being. This special affinity for
|
|
rlm@0
|
665 the dark-haired girl had almost sisterly quality to it. Yet there was
|
|
rlm@0
|
666 still more to their relationship than that. Even if they had been
|
|
rlm@0
|
667 sisters, how to explain that awful parting at the airport?
|
|
rlm@0
|
668
|
|
rlm@0
|
669 As Tomoyo boarded her plane, Sakura was swept by a despair she never
|
|
rlm@0
|
670 thought possible. It dredged up horrific memories from long ago,
|
|
rlm@0
|
671 memories the shattered woman did not even know existed. When Tomoyo
|
|
rlm@0
|
672 left, it was as if her Mother had died all over again. But this time,
|
|
rlm@0
|
673 Sakura did not see with the eyes of an innocent three year old, a
|
|
rlm@0
|
674 child who could be told that mommy was in a beautiful place in the
|
|
rlm@0
|
675 sky. This time, she knew Tomoyo was gone, and could not shake the
|
|
rlm@0
|
676 irrational fear that they might never be together again. Her mother’s
|
|
rlm@0
|
677 early death did not seem to affect her much in large part because of
|
|
rlm@0
|
678 Fujitaka. Her father devoted his life to filling the gaping hole left
|
|
rlm@0
|
679 by the tragic absence of Nadeshiko. Sakura sometimes heard tales of
|
|
rlm@0
|
680 other fathers from her friends in school. Many fathers were often
|
|
rlm@0
|
681 absent , seemingly indifferent to their own families. They spent long
|
|
rlm@0
|
682 hours at grinding jobs, and were too exhausted to take part in family
|
|
rlm@0
|
683 affairs when they did return. Busy with overtime and obligatory
|
|
rlm@0
|
684 drinking bouts with the boys, these were the fathers that forgot
|
|
rlm@0
|
685 birthdays and teacher’s names, who never went to school plays, fairs
|
|
rlm@0
|
686 or parent’s days. Their sole purpose of winning the bread left little
|
|
rlm@0
|
687 time to enjoy it. Sometimes Sakura wondered if this was the sort of
|
|
rlm@0
|
688 father her own husband would prove to be, and this troubled her
|
|
rlm@0
|
689 greatly. Her father was so very different from all the others. He was
|
|
rlm@0
|
690 gentle, encouraging, and loved with a mother’s unconditional love. He
|
|
rlm@0
|
691 had mastered the domestic arts that ironically escaped Nadeshiko
|
|
rlm@0
|
692 herself: cooking, cleaning, sewing, and the myriad little details
|
|
rlm@0
|
693 that make a household run properly. But for all his dedicated effort,
|
|
rlm@0
|
694 the loss of a mother might still have affected Sakura more had it not
|
|
rlm@0
|
695 been for Tomoyo.
|
|
rlm@0
|
696
|
|
rlm@0
|
697 Growing up, Sakura loved Tomoyo as the mother she never had. The
|
|
rlm@0
|
698 very fact she looked like the pictures of Nadeshiko may have
|
|
rlm@0
|
699 reinforced the girl’s imperceptible feelings. The Daidouji girl’s
|
|
rlm@0
|
700 nature was very much as Fujitaka had described his wife: sweet,
|
|
rlm@0
|
701 gentle, placid, and loving. He once remarked that in all their years
|
|
rlm@0
|
702 together, he had never seen even a trace of anger on her luminous
|
|
rlm@0
|
703 face. Tomoyo was exactly the same: ever smiling, kind, and caring.
|
|
rlm@0
|
704 With maternal affection, Tomoyo had nurtured Sakura through the
|
|
rlm@0
|
705 trials of childhood and adolescence. She was there to ease the hurts
|
|
rlm@0
|
706 and soothe the pains of growing up. She encouraged the first,
|
|
rlm@0
|
707 tentative steps towards love with Yukito-san and Li-kun. Sakura often
|
|
rlm@0
|
708 found herself crying in the arms of Tomoyo, who hugged her back with
|
|
rlm@0
|
709 in a motherly embrace. In the arms of its mother, a child always
|
|
rlm@0
|
710 feels that everything will be all right. Even as they whirled
|
|
rlm@0
|
711 together on the dance floor, when Sakura burst into tears at the
|
|
rlm@0
|
712 harrowing prospect of Tomoyo’s imminent return to Japan, the dark-
|
|
rlm@0
|
713 haired woman enfolded her in her arms and brought soothing
|
|
rlm@0
|
714 reassurance with nothing more than her gentle presence. Yukito might
|
|
rlm@0
|
715 have said this parental affection was the key to Sakura’s love for
|
|
rlm@0
|
716 Tomoyo, as it had been for him. Years ago, he told Sakura she loved
|
|
rlm@0
|
717 him because he was like her beloved father. She agreed, but not
|
|
rlm@0
|
718 because she believed he was right. She knew her that Touya loved him,
|
|
rlm@0
|
719 so she said yes, and stepped aside. But if her feelings for Yukito
|
|
rlm@0
|
720 were not quite true love, they were still more than a schoolgirl
|
|
rlm@0
|
721 crush. It was painful to let the gentle boy go, but she did. And
|
|
rlm@0
|
722 Sakura now knew that her love for Tomoyo was no more easily explained
|
|
rlm@0
|
723 this way than her feelings for Yukito. She had loved Yukito more than
|
|
rlm@0
|
724 a father figure, and loved Tomoyo more than the mother she never
|
|
rlm@0
|
725 knew. The kiss in the garden had shattered that explanation for
|
|
rlm@0
|
726 Sakura’s love. For all her maternal kindness, Tomoyo stirred up
|
|
rlm@0
|
727 passionate feelings in Sakura that no daughter ever had for her
|
|
rlm@0
|
728 mother.
|
|
rlm@0
|
729
|
|
rlm@0
|
730
|
|
rlm@0
|
731 Watching a slender, gorgeous, woman preparing to leave the beach
|
|
rlm@0
|
732 reminded Sakura of Tomoyo slipping out of her white sundress. This
|
|
rlm@0
|
733 memory summoned a fiery longing that gripped her heart, and the
|
|
rlm@0
|
734 feverish desire that haunted her recent dreams. She trembled in
|
|
rlm@0
|
735 remembrance of braiding the long, lavender tresses, the silken feel
|
|
rlm@0
|
736 of pale skin, the sweet, flowery scent that wafted like a heavenly
|
|
rlm@0
|
737 little cloud. Tomoyo’s visit awakened a sensuous craving for this
|
|
rlm@0
|
738 achingly beautiful woman, a desire that previously hovered only on
|
|
rlm@0
|
739 the rim of Sakura’s awareness. Tomoyo always seemed to her the
|
|
rlm@0
|
740 prettiest of girls. There was a delicate loveliness about her that
|
|
rlm@0
|
741 Sakura found irresistible. As childhood passed into adolescence, her
|
|
rlm@0
|
742 feelings changed with her body, imperceptibly at first, but in the
|
|
rlm@0
|
743 end irrevocably. So captivated by Syaoran was she that this change in
|
|
rlm@0
|
744 her feelings almost went unnoticed. Only little hints were left, odd
|
|
rlm@0
|
745 moments that puzzled her when they happened, and were quickly
|
|
rlm@0
|
746 forgotten as meaningless puzzles. But now, in the grip of memory,
|
|
rlm@0
|
747 these puzzles seemed more like keys to resolving the sweet confusion
|
|
rlm@0
|
748 that played havoc with her heart.
|
|
rlm@0
|
749
|
|
rlm@0
|
750 Most vivid was a memory from the 8th grade, in a gym class where
|
|
rlm@0
|
751 Tomoyo gamely struggled with a difficult floor exercise. The other
|
|
rlm@0
|
752 students left for home, but Sakura stayed to help her friend master
|
|
rlm@0
|
753 the complicated pattern. She spotted for Tomoyo, holding her closely,
|
|
rlm@0
|
754 guiding her with a sure, firm touch. Slowly at first, the dark-haired
|
|
rlm@0
|
755 girl caught the rhythm of the movements, and her natural grace and
|
|
rlm@0
|
756 charm moved Sakura’s heart. For some reason her very nearness
|
|
rlm@0
|
757 flustered Sakura, distracting her from the lesson she was trying to
|
|
rlm@0
|
758 impart. Sakura blushed fiercely while Tomoyo, still as a fawn,
|
|
rlm@0
|
759 daintily arched her supple body and gazed up with trusting eyes.
|
|
rlm@0
|
760 Breathing raggedly, Sakura stood by her, their faces nearly touching,
|
|
rlm@0
|
761 utterly enraptured by the wan beauty of the delicate girl. From
|
|
rlm@0
|
762 nowhere she felt a mad desire to embrace her, caress her, and shower
|
|
rlm@0
|
763 her with kisses. The brunette leaned closer, heart hammering as their
|
|
rlm@0
|
764 lips nearly touched. Suddenly she blushed crimson and pulled quickly
|
|
rlm@0
|
765 away. Tomoyo seemed pleasantly baffled, and then worried as her
|
|
rlm@0
|
766 friend turned her back and trembled. Sakura stammered out something
|
|
rlm@0
|
767 about a pulled muscle, and struggled to calm her racing heart. Had
|
|
rlm@0
|
768 Tomoyo come to her then, with a kindly touch or a concerned hug,
|
|
rlm@0
|
769 Sakura was unsure just what might have happened. But the odd little
|
|
rlm@0
|
770 whirlwind passed quickly, and Tomoyo returned to being just a best
|
|
rlm@0
|
771 friend. Yet this was not the only time that some unseen passion had
|
|
rlm@0
|
772 seized Sakura’s heart. Tomoyo’s presence had sometimes captivated and
|
|
rlm@0
|
773 enthralled her in ways she could not fathom. Confused, even
|
|
rlm@0
|
774 frightened, part of Sakura had succeeded in forgetting these strange,
|
|
rlm@0
|
775 overpowering little moments. But delving into the depths of her
|
|
rlm@0
|
776 feelings, Sakura found that these hidden memories now came flooding
|
|
rlm@0
|
777 back. And these feelings she remembered were the identical to those
|
|
rlm@0
|
778 in the garden, where she was swept away by an overwhelming love for
|
|
rlm@0
|
779 Tomoyo.
|
|
rlm@0
|
780
|
|
rlm@0
|
781
|
|
rlm@0
|
782 Sakura stood up and stretched, drained but oddly exhilarated. As day
|
|
rlm@0
|
783 gave way to night, she gathered her things and walked to board the
|
|
rlm@0
|
784 approaching bus. She was tantalizingly close now, sensing a
|
|
rlm@0
|
785 revelation that would make her feelings clear at last. Though she
|
|
rlm@0
|
786 appeared charmingly normal at first glance, the genki young woman was
|
|
rlm@0
|
787 unusual in many ways, not least in her utter honesty. Most people shy
|
|
rlm@0
|
788 away from such ruthless examinations of their inner feelings. As the
|
|
rlm@0
|
789 saying goes, they prefer not to stir muddy waters and cause
|
|
rlm@0
|
790 difficulties. Or, they cling to comfortable illusions, rejecting
|
|
rlm@0
|
791 thorny and painful realities. As Fanren observed, Sakura was in many
|
|
rlm@0
|
792 ways a simple girl. She wanted to know what was true, and could not
|
|
rlm@0
|
793 abide to live a life that was false. Her desire to know had
|
|
rlm@0
|
794 inexorably driven her to gather the Cards, and then transform them.
|
|
rlm@0
|
795 In doing so she jeopardized not only her life, but also those most
|
|
rlm@0
|
796 precious to her. Now she was on a journey to know her true feelings
|
|
rlm@0
|
797 for Tomoyo, and after that the identity of her best friend’s true
|
|
rlm@0
|
798 love. Where this journey led, or how it was resolved, did not concern
|
|
rlm@0
|
799 her at all. Indeed, she was frighteningly innocent of the havoc and
|
|
rlm@0
|
800 pain such discoveries might unleash. But had she known, she would
|
|
rlm@0
|
801 have plunged forward regardless, for her determination to understand
|
|
rlm@0
|
802 was implacable. After a long ride over the ferry and into the City,
|
|
rlm@0
|
803 she boarded the last electric tram up Victoria Peak. When she exited
|
|
rlm@0
|
804 the tram and began walking, the exhausted little P.E. teacher caught
|
|
rlm@0
|
805 a second wind, and raced up the hill to the mansion. Preparing for
|
|
rlm@0
|
806 bed in her room, Ieran-sama saw her daughter-in-law dashing into the
|
|
rlm@0
|
807 house, and wondered what she was doing out running at such an hour.
|
|
rlm@0
|
808
|
|
rlm@0
|
809 Tip-toeing into her room, Sakura retrieved the Cards from their
|
|
rlm@0
|
810 resting place. For a moment she stood over the sleeping Syaoran,
|
|
rlm@0
|
811 smiling. Then she slipped away, latched the door, and walked down the
|
|
rlm@0
|
812 hall to Tomoyo's room. She sat on a chair by the window and gazed at
|
|
rlm@0
|
813 the garden, dark and silent in the still of night. What happened in
|
|
rlm@0
|
814 that garden changed everything forever. Never had her love for Tomoyo
|
|
rlm@0
|
815 felt so strong and all-encompassing. Never had she felt so
|
|
rlm@0
|
816 deliriously close to another human being. Oddly, it all started with
|
|
rlm@0
|
817 Tomoyo's wrenching pain. Sakura had seen little slivers of her secret
|
|
rlm@0
|
818 hurt before, in letters and during the trip to the Matsukaya. But
|
|
rlm@0
|
819 sitting in the garden, Tomoyo was unwilling or unable to conceal the
|
|
rlm@0
|
820 torment of life without her special someone. She broke down, sobbing
|
|
rlm@0
|
821 in Sakura's arms. Sakura's heart was riven as she hugged her tightly,
|
|
rlm@0
|
822 wishing with all her power that Tomoyo would be all right.
|
|
rlm@0
|
823 Miraculously, she was. While embraced by Sakura, the pale girl seemed
|
|
rlm@0
|
824 healed of her terrible hurt. In this blinding moment Sakura realized
|
|
rlm@0
|
825 the agony of loneliness that her best friend lived with everyday. But
|
|
rlm@0
|
826 the Mistress of the Cards also saw that in her arms, Tomoyo's pain
|
|
rlm@0
|
827 was assuaged. She said that with Sakura she was happy, and the full
|
|
rlm@0
|
828 truth of this at last opened her emerald eyes. Here was yet another
|
|
rlm@0
|
829 revelation, for Tomoyo needed her as surely as she needed Tomoyo. She
|
|
rlm@0
|
830 longed to hold and comfort her pale friend, to take away the pain
|
|
rlm@0
|
831 forever. If indeed she had such power, Sakura vowed now to use it,
|
|
rlm@0
|
832 regardless of cost or consequence.
|
|
rlm@0
|
833
|
|
rlm@0
|
834 That night in the garden, Sakura and Tomoyo were like two castaways
|
|
rlm@0
|
835 washed up on a foreign shore, gazing on a world and each other made
|
|
rlm@0
|
836 marvelous and new. It was as if Sakura saw Tomoyo, the girl she grew
|
|
rlm@0
|
837 up with, for the very first time: fragile, vulnerable, and
|
|
rlm@0
|
838 breathtakingly beautiful. When that enchanting woman came so
|
|
rlm@0
|
839 enticingly close, a surge of desire swept Sakura’s body and shook her
|
|
rlm@0
|
840 heart. In that magical kiss, two souls met for the very first time.
|
|
rlm@0
|
841 Sakura touched her cheek as a sweet warmth enfolded her. The memory
|
|
rlm@0
|
842 of that kiss lingered still, echoing in her heart, tingling through
|
|
rlm@0
|
843 every cell of her body. She loved Tomoyo as a friend, a sister, and a
|
|
rlm@0
|
844 mother. But after they kissed, she knew her love was unimaginably
|
|
rlm@0
|
845 vast and unbounded, a door to infinite space, a precipice on the edge
|
|
rlm@0
|
846 of forever. If she had hesitated to step over that awesome threshold,
|
|
rlm@0
|
847 it was only because the luscious shock of that kiss had left her
|
|
rlm@0
|
848 utterly enchanted.
|
|
rlm@0
|
849
|
|
rlm@0
|
850 But now, following her road to the very end, she was awakening. The
|
|
rlm@0
|
851 meaning of her love for Tomoyo was finally clear. Sitting quietly in
|
|
rlm@0
|
852 the shimmering night, a gentle rain of tears falling on her folded
|
|
rlm@0
|
853 hands, Sakura at last understood her feelings. Perhaps deep within a
|
|
rlm@0
|
854 part of her had suspected or known, all along. But now the splendid
|
|
rlm@0
|
855 truth resounded throughout her entire being. Sakura could sing, or
|
|
rlm@0
|
856 cry, or shout this truth, but her steady heartbeat bore a more
|
|
rlm@0
|
857 eloquent testimony. In her heart nestled a precious knowledge, a
|
|
rlm@0
|
858 knowledge gained through pain, joy, and time. And what her heart knew
|
|
rlm@0
|
859 would change her forever.
|
|
rlm@0
|
860
|
|
rlm@0
|
861 Daidouji Tomoyo was her one, True Love.
|
