(Author's Note: This is my first Card Captor Sakura fanfiction and,

 at the time of its writing, I have only seen the first four episodes

 of the series and read none of the manga, so please forgive any

 errors I have made. I've also decided to, for this piece, neglect

 most of the plot of the series and just stick to playing with the

 characters. Also, some parts of the fic were written at insane hours

 of early morning and so may be a little.... strange. Nevertheless, I

 hope you enjoy the fic. *takes a little bow*) 

 

 

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 So Much Easier 

 by Althea K. 

 

 

 "Coming, coming," Sakura called out, covering the mouthpiece of her

 cell phone temporarily. She trotted, barefoot, to the door, still

 listening with one ear to her father's voice. She peered out to see

 who her visitor was, but could see only darkness. A frown pouted her

 lips. "Hmph." 

 "Is something wrong, dear?" 

 "No, it's just... I could've *sworn* someone was knocking at the

 door, but there's no one there." 

 "That's odd.." 

 Sakura opened the door and peeked out, a bit nervously, into the

 night. "Hello? Is someone out here?" Silence was the only reply.

 "Hrmph." Her eyes narrowed as she wondered if perhaps some

 neighborhood children were playing a prank on her, only to widen as

 she finally noticed the small package at her foot. She knelt to

 retrieve it. "Hey, Dad, were you expecting a package or something?"

 she asked, turning it carefully in her hand. 

 "No.." 

 "Odd. I'm not, either.. But here one is." 

 "A bit *late* for mail delivery, isn't it?" 

 Sakura muttered her agreement, glancing about one last time before

 reentering the house and shutting the door behind her. "Maybe someone

 left it for Touya?" she suggested doubtfully. "But it's been ages

 since he's lived here... Who would send him anything at this

 address?" In the light of the house she examined the brown paper

 covering the rectangular package. "There doesn't seem to be a name on

 it... Oh, wait." She squinted and bowed her head in, having

 discovered one small word typed almost unnoticeably onto the

 packaging: Sakura. "Huh. It's for me." 

 "An early birthday present, maybe?" 

 Sakura laughed. "If it is, it's *really* early." 

 "True.. Oh, honey, I'm sorry, but I have to go now. My

 presentation's in five minutes and I still haven't organized all my

 notes." 

 "Ah, it's okay. You want me to leave you something in the fridge for

 when you get home?" 

 "You're so sweet! That would be wonderful; thank you." 

 "No problem. Good luck with your presentation." 

 Sakura shut off her phone after their parting words and headed into

 the kitchen. Carefully, she broke the tape bindings with a small

 steak knife and removed the brown paper wrap. "A video cassette?" She

 quirked an eyebrow. Replacing the steak knife, she turned the

 cassette around in her hands to read its title. Her eyes widened.

 "'The True Confessions of Daidouji Tomoyo'??" she read aloud. "So

 that was Tomoyo-chan at the door..." she mumbled numbly to herself,

 her mind still twitching nervously around the idea of "true

 confessions". She glanced toward the door as if she expected her

 friend to still be there, then slowly turned back to the cassette.

 "This isn't like Tomoyo-chan at all.. not even stopping in to say

 'hello'..." Concern creased her brow as she tapped her fingers

 worriedly against the hard plastic casing of the tape. After a long

 moment of hesitation, Sakura picked up her phone and headed for her

 bedroom. "Plenty of time to cook something for Dad later..." she

 mumbled. She popped the cassette into her VCR, snapped her television

 on, and plopped down onto her bed. The VCR came to life with a click

 and a whirr and in moments Tomoyo's image lit up the screen, moving

 backwards to sit in front of the camcorder. 

 "Hello, Sakura-chan.." 

 "Hi, Tomoyo-chan," Sakura blurted out before she could remember she

 was talking to a recording. She blushed lightly, embarrassed by her

 mistake, but this faded quickly as she took in the scene that her

 friend had recorded. Tomoyo sat alone in her darkened room, her face

 sad and her voice trembling slightly. Her skin seemed even paler than

 usual somehow, even under the blue cast that the darkness painted her

 with. Sakura's heart grew heavy with concern. 

 "I guess you've already seen the title of this little recording, so

 you have some idea of what I'm doing here.. Like I wrote, it's a

 confession... *my* confession. There are so many things that I've

 been wanting to tell you over the years we've been friends, but I

 just never had the courage to say them to you... You always were the

 brave one, Sakura-chan." The image of Tomoyo punctuated her statement

 with a tight, pained smile. "I always thought that I'd tell you when

 you were older, but even now that you're older, I'm still a coward.

 I'd hoped that by this time it would all be just a mildly

 uncomfortable memory, you know? I thought I could tell you about it

 and we'd look back together and laugh at my childhood foolishness.

 Well, I'm eighteen now and I'm still not laughing." Tomoyo's image

 paused and rubbed her palms against her pant legs. "Hell, I'm wishing

 now I could just go back in time, so things could be like that

 again.. I could at least be a little naive then. It still hurt, but

 it didn't hurt this much, and even if I was a little scared by my

 feelings when I was a kid, I wasn't terrified like I am now. Sakura-

 chan... I'm... I'm so *scared*!" 

 Sakura could feel Tomoyo shuddering as the image drew her arms

 across her chest, hugging her knees into herself. "Tomoyo-chan," she

 whimpered. "Please don't be scared, Tomoyo-chan..." 

 "I'm sorry, Sakura-chan... It just hurts so *much* sometimes... I

 can't take this anymore... Keeping it all a secret..." The image of

 Tomoyo shook her head as she unfolded from herself. "I.. I just can't

 keep it all inside of me anymore...!" 

 "So tell me already!" Sakura cried out to the recording, too

 frustrated and curious to be embarrassed now. 

 "Sakura-chan..." Sakura leaned in eagerly to listen as Tomoyo

 appeared to hesitate. "I..." 

 "...Yes??" 

 "Do you... remember... when we were children?" 

 Sakura blinked. "Uhmm.." 

 "I do. I remember it all like it was yesterday... I know, I know. It

 sounds corny, doesn't it." 

 Sakura couldn't help but grin as she saw Tomoyo's mouth quirk up

 into a tiny smile. "Actually, yes, it does." 

 "We were always such good friends... I'm not saying we're not still,

 I'm just saying that... there was... I don't know. There was an

 innocence to us back then, you know? And it's missing now. There's

 just something *off* about us now, and it's my fault." 

 Sakura lost her smile. "Tomoyo-chan..." 

 "It... It would've been so much easier if we could've stayed

 children forever, wouldn't it? I mean... Despite all we went through

 with the Clow Cards and all... we still had some pretty good times,

 didn't we? I'd make you those ridiculously cute little battle

 costumes and video tape you wearing them... I miss that. You know, I

 don't know if I could make things like that again if I tried... Back

 then I could always just picture you wearing it to fight Clow Cards

 and think about how cute it would be, and how much fun we would have,

 and I could just *do* it, you know? But now.. Everything I make for

 you just seems so... *lifeless*, somehow. It's still nice, but it's

 never the same, never quite so much fun. Getting older just kinda

 sucked all the fun out of everything, you see? Nothing's the same

 anymore.. Everything I do now, I have to examine my motivations; I

 have to think about it.. Oh, Sakura-chan, I wish we could be kids

 again! I'd give anything to be able to feel the way I did then again.

 I didn't have to think about why my heart was racing and whether it

 was wrong to feel that way then; I could just *feel* it and *enjoy*

 it. I could say things to you without having to think so much about

 how you would take it, if you would understand... But as we got

 older...." 

 There was a long moment of unbearable silence. Sakura's eyes stung

 with tears as she waited for her friend to go on. 

 "Sakura-chan..." Tomoyo began again at last. "Sakura-chan... I..."

 Tomoyo's sigh brushed almost palpably against Sakura's ears. "I love

 you. I'm.... *in love* with you." 

 Sakura's world held still for a full three seconds. 

 "I know you couldn't possibly understand, but... That's why. That's

 the reason for... for *everything*. I'm so sorry I never told you...

 I just knew it was hopeless, and I didn't want to scare you away.. I

 just couldn't bear the thought of telling you and having you not want

 to be my friend anymore. You... You mean everything to me, Sakura.

 You always have. And I'm sorry I was such a coward... I couldn't tell

 you then, and I can't even tell you now... I just let technology do

 the uncomfortable work for me," Tomoyo's voice proclaimed bitterly as

 her image gestured at the screen. "I'm so weak, Sakura-chan... I wish

 I could be strong for you. I wish I could be strong... But you'll

 always be the stronger one." 

 Sakura fumbled blindly for her phone as Tomoyo's recording spoke on,

 until at last her fingers collided with it and she picked it up from

 where it lay on her bed. She punched Tomoyo's phone number into

 without needing to look at the buttons. Drumming her fingers

 impatiently against her thigh, she listened to it ring. 

 "...and I knew even then that things could never be the same once I

 told you. I couldn't bring myself to find out whether the change

 would be for better or worse, fearing so much that we would never be

 friends again.... And I still can't. You see, Sakura-chan... There's

 another reason why I'm giving you this tape.." 

 Sakura's fidgeting grew even more agitated. 

 "I probably would've held it all in until something ruptured inside

 of me, really, if there weren't this other motivation for me to come

 clean with you right now... I... I never told you this, but a while

 ago I sent out an application to a college overseas...." 

 Sakura's drumming ceased. The phone continued to ring harshly in her

 ear. 

 "...and I was accepted. The term starts soon... In fact, I've been

 packing all day." 

 For the first time, Sakura noticed how empty Tomoyo's room appeared

 behind her. 

 "My flight leaves tonight." 

 "No!" Sakura leapt to her feet in a state of panic. Still pressing

 the phone to her ear, she grabbed the jacket that Tomoyo had made for

 her last birthday off her floor and started pulling it on one-handed. 

 "I know this must be a shock to you... but you mustn't try to stop

 me. There's nothing you can do about it anyway. By the time you'll

 have reached this part of the tape, I should already be well on my

 way." 

 Sakura stopped halfway to the door. "No..." she whispered. 

 "I'm sorry, Sakura-chan.. I'd've loved so much to hold you in my

 arms just one last time before I left.." Sakura flopped back down

 onto her bed, her entire body feeling numb. It was all too much for

 her to take in at once. "I'm taking all my videotapes of you with me,

 but I've left behind some copies in my room in case you want to go

 back and look at them.. Maybe if you look at them now you'll begin to

 see what I've been seeing all along... I'm also taking all your old

 battle costumes; they're too small for you now, anyway. But I am

 leaving your prom dress; after all, you may need it some time, and

 you did look so beautiful in it.. Do you remember the prom, Sakura-

 chan? I had so much fun dancing with you..." 

 Sakura groaned, sudden floods of memory washing over her. "Kami,"

 she breathed. "Was I really that blind???" 

 "We ate so much cake that we almost made ourselves sick, and then

 left early without our dates to take a walk in the park and watch an

 old movie on television... It's funny: I can't even remember my

 date's name; can you? He was a pretty nice guy, I think... I didn't

 know him very well, and I guess I didn't pay him that much attention.

 You were always the center of my own little universe... He could've

 had fangs and a dog-tail and I wouldn't've noticed." Tomoyo's sad

 chuckle was almost smothered by the recording that erupted in

 Sakura's ear, politely informing her that the party did not answer,

 as if she hadn't already noticed. 

 "Uuhng..." Sakura grunted and lowered her phone, snapping it off

 reluctantly. "She's just gotta still be there... She *has* to be...!"

 She folded her arms across her chest, her movement only slightly

 impaired by the jacket still hanging off one arm. "Tomoyo-chan... You

 can't leave me...! We have so much to talk about... You can't just

 leave without even letting me discuss this all with you! There're

 questions I want to ask you... things I want to say to you..." 

 "I... I put everything I have of you together earlier today... All

 the costumes, and sketches, and videotapes... *Everything*. Notes

 we'd passed each other in class.. Presents you'd given to me...

 Photographs I'd taken of you... Even this.." Sakura glanced up

 through a thin film of growing tears to see Tomoyo holding what

 appeared to be a small glass vial containing something feathery and

 somehow familiar. "Can you see this? It's a lock of your hair."

 Sakura and Tomoyo's image blushed simultaneously. "I hope you don't

 mind... I cut it off while you were sleeping over at my house one

 night long ago... I wanted to always remember how soft your hair was,

 and how sweet its scent...I've slept with it under my pillow for

 years." Tomoyo's image eyed it sadly. "And then today I put it

 together with all those other cherished possessions and mementos...

 I... I wanted to make a bonfire of them." 

 Sakura blinked. "...Bonfire..???" 

 "I wanted to destroy everything that reminded me of you so I could

 go away and start fresh.. I wanted to burn all bridges connecting me

 to you so maybe in time I could learn to forget you... But I just

 couldn't do it. I had the match lit in my hand, but I just couldn't

 drop it.. It burned right down to my fingertips and still I couldn't

 bring myself to let it drop." Sakura peered closer at the screen,

 finally seeing Tomoyo's hurt fingertips. "It wasn't so bad, getting

 burned... What really hurt was the shame. I felt like such a fool,

 unable to rid myself of you, clinging to my pain... Then I thought

 that maybe I could just leave it all behind, maybe even give it all

 to you, but I guess I wasn't strong enough to do that, either.. The

 thought was unbearable. I couldn't stand the idea of not having a

 picture of you with me always to keep your face fresh in my mind...

 The idea of your face ever fading from my memory...." A tear trickled

 down Tomoyo's face. "I suppose, though, that it doesn't really matter

 whether I burned it, or gave it away, or packed it up... I'd still be

 taking you with me, inside my mind. I don't think I could let go of

 you, no matter what. I would feel... empty. Hollow. I don't think I

 could ever entirely be myself again without holding onto you in my

 heart. I can't imagine life without you... But I can't... I just

 can't stand it anymore!" A heart-breaking sob shuddered from her

 trembling lips as her tears continued to fall. "I can't stand being

 with you every day without really *being with you*. I can't stand the

 horrible innocence of your every touch. I can't stand having you so

 near to me without being able to call you my own. I... I can't..."

 Tomoyo's words disappeared into wrenching sobs and shudders. As the

 image of Tomoyo on her screen buried her face in her hands, Sakura's

 tears began to fall as well. 

 "T-tomoyo-chan.." Sakura moaned. Each minute that passed was its own

 small eternity as their tears streamed on without any apparent end. 

 "I... I'm sorry, Sakura-chan," Tomoyo at last managed to gasp out

 from behind her hands. "I have.. no right... to put you through my

 pain." 

 "Tomoyo-chaaan..." Sakura sobbed at the screen, frustrated and

 confused. 

 "I never wanted you to see me cry... You've always been such a sweet

 girl, Sakura-chan. I didn't want to put you through any of this.. But

 I guess it was inevitable, wasn't it. One can only hold so much in

 for so long before it explodes all over everything.. Oh, Sakura-chan,

 I've made a real mess of things, haven't I? I wish I knew some way to

 set things right again... But you have to know. It wouldn't have been

 fair for me not to say anything... never to tell you... Maybe I'm

 just being selfish. Or maybe I'm just trying to keep my promise..

 Didn't I say that I'd tell you when you were older? I seem to

 remember that... I don't know. I'm confused... Another reason why I

 have to go away. I need some distance... some time apart from you so

 I can think, clear my head a little.. Or maybe I'm just trying to

 justify my actions. Maybe the sad truth is really just that I'm a

 damnable coward and I'm running away yet again from finding out how

 you'll react..." 

 Sakura wiped at her eyes as she watched Tomoyo's shoulders slump

 pathetically. She picked up the phone again and dialed Tomoyo's cell

 phone number with equal parts hopelessness and determination. "C'mon,

 Tomoyo-chan, you've *got* to pick up the phone... *Please*, don't

 shut me out...." 

 "That's why...." Tomoyo's image licked her lips slowly, nervously.

 "That's why I'm not telling you where I'm going. Whether I'm running

 away or just need some time alone or whatever... I don't feel like I

 can handle you knowing where I'm going right now. It's just... so

 much *easier* to fade away... You probably won't even notice I'm

 gone, after a while, as long as I stay out of touch... You'd probably

 be strong enough to make that bonfire, wouldn't you? Maybe... Maybe

 I'll let you be rid of me even if I can't be rid of you... At least

 one of us will be spared, right?" 

 "Tomoyo-chan!" Sakura's voice finally broke out of its paralysis.

 "How... How can you even *think* these things!?" She shook her head

 in utter disbelief, then dropped to her knees before the television

 and pressed her palm against the screen. "Tomoyo-chan, come back to

 me... Oh, please, oh, please, come back to me...." 

 "Can you promise me just one thing, though?" 

 Sakura thumped her palm against the screen. "Come *back* to me!!" 

 "If you must remember me... please... *try* to remember me as I used

 to be. I don't want to be remembered like this... Please... remember

 me with a smile on my face. Remember me from those innocent times,

 when we could walk hand in hand through the park and I could just let

 my heart soar, unable to imagine ever being happier or more content.

 Remember the costumes, and the laughter, and all those sweet little

 things that meant so much... I can remember. I remember giggling over

 our secret jokes, and you combing my hair, and how wonderful the

 world always seemed when you were there..... I just wish I could

 remember that and forget all the rest. I don't want to remember the

 sleepless nights, tossing and turning, delighting in the agony of

 having you by my side. And I don't want to remember how many times I

 had to bite my tongue, holding back for fear of losing you..." 

 Sakura clutched desperately at the screen, pressing her phone

 painfully to her ear. 

 After a long pause, Tomoyo finally appeared to regain her speech.

 "Well... I... I'd better stop now. The tape should be almost over by

 now, I think, and I'll have to hurry to the airport..." Sakura's hand

 dropped limply to her side. "I... I wish things could've been better

 for you, Sakura-chan. I know I've probably said and done some pretty

 stupid, hurtful things over the years we've been friends, especially

 tonight, and I hope you'll be able to find it in your heart to

 forgive me... You're such a wonderful person, Sakura-chan. I wish you

 luck in everything you ever do... Good-bye, Sakura-chan. You'll

 always be the best friend I've ever had, no matter what... I love

 you... I love you so much..." Sakura choked on a sob as Tomoyo's sad-

 eyed image reached forward and in a moment was shot into a sea of

 static. 

 "Damn it..." Sakura stared through blurred eyes as shortly the

 screen flashed blue and the VCR jumped into action once more,

 stopping and rewinding the tape. She could only hear the telephone

 still ringing in her ear in the most distant of ways, too numbed by

 shock and pain to hear it as any more than a fading echo in a tomb.

 Catching and reflecting the blue light of the television screen, a

 lone tear glistened on her cheek, frozen prematurely, its path left

 unfinished and its future uncertain. 

 

 

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 (Legal Disclaimer: I do not claim to own any of the characters in

 this fanfic; I'm just borrowing them from CLAMP and whoever else

 holds the rights.) 

 

 (Sequel to Author's Note: If you want to put this fic on your

 website, are wondering why the hell someone would write a fic for a

 story she knows so little of, or just want someone to talk about

 anime lesbians with, please email me at either

 womanprince@hotmail.com or poorjuri@hotmail.com. Thank you ^-^)