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1 _Ureshisou ni Shinagara, Naka Nakunaku_
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2
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3 Author: Catsy (nekojita@ayashi.net)
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4 Content: songfic, shoujo-ai, angst
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5 Song: Vector
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6 Artist: Sakamoto Maaya
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7
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8 --
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9
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10 Hands as delicate and pale as the fabric they held worked at the needle,
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11 embroidering that which simply could not be entrusted to the sewing
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12 machine. Tomoyo's lips pursed in concentration, the tip of her tongue
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13 protruding just slightly as she worked the stitch over and under. Over and
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14 under. It was painstaking, laborious work, work which could easily fetch
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15 yen in the six-digit range, if she chose to sell it.
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16
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17 She would not be selling it. It was for Sakura.
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18
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19 Tomoyo tried to remember exactly when it was that she realized she loved
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20 Sakura. There had to have been a point when it progressed from best
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21 friends, to childhood infatuation, to real romance. Or was it imperceptibly
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22 gradual, the way leaves shift to calico colors in the fall? All Tomoyo knew
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23 was that it simply /was/. That was good enough; had to be good enough.
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24
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25 But it wasn't.
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26
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27 Told myself for a long time
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28 Don't go there
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29 You will only be sorry
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30
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31 Eriol had politely suggested to her at one point that she and Sakura--and
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32 for that matter, many romantic relationships between women--suffered from
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33 the regrettable Japanese notion that women weren't permitted to make the
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34 first move. That if one or the other of them didn't break free of that and
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35 do /something/, they weren't ever likely to. Of course, when Eriol
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36 suggested something it was never /im/polite, and Tomoyo recognized on one
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37 level that he was right. It made her wonder why he'd say such a thing,
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38 since it was clear that Eriol approved of Sakura and Syaoran as a couple.
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39
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40 Told myself so many times
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41 I just had to take a look
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42 in those faraway eyes
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43
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44 Of course, he was both right and wrong at the same time. The psychological
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45 explanation made sense on the surface, but how could she explain to him her
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46 own reasons for remaining silent?
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47
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48 Sakura's friendship was precious to her. From elementary school to middle
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49 school, to high school and beyond, Sakura's happiness sustained Tomoyo like
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50 lifeblood itself. She had but to walk into the room, and everyone
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51 immediately knew it--the temperature rose by a degree, moods lightened, and
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52 the room seemed somehow brighter for her presence.
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53
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54 It wasn't that she didn't /want/ to be with Sakura. Nothing would make her
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55 happier than if she and Sakura could have a life together, bringing each
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56 other that fulfillment that only deep, bonding romance could.
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57
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58 In them I saw a longing
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59 for something
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60 Maybe I couldn't give you
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61
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62 But if she tried, and failed, what would be the cost? Was it worth the
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63 risk of harming her friendship with Sakura, for the sake of what she might
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64 never be able to have?
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65
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66 Said it's all in my mind
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67 "It ain't nothing"
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68
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69 Would it be worth risking everything, if all she got was a few stolen
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70 kisses, and something to giggle nervously about together when they were
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71 older? Was it worth the risk of hurting Sakura, or taking her away from
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72 what made her happy, to tell her how she felt just once?
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73
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74 Don't say that
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75 Don't say that
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76 Darling no
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77 Don't say anything at all
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78
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79 Tomoyo decided, as she had so many times before, that the answer was no.
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80 What she hadn't told Eriol, what she'd seen no reason to point out, is that
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81 Sakura probably knew anyway. She was naive and dense, but a remarkably good
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82 judge of character. Tomoyo found it impossible to believe, given how long
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83 they'd known each other, that Sakura could /not/ know how Tomoyo felt.
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84
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85
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86 Because I've seen it now
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87 Can't pretend anymore
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88 "It ain't nothing"
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89
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90 The only explanation, the only sensible one, was that Sakura /did/
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91 know--and didn't feel the same way. And that rather than hurt Tomoyo's
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92 feelings, she simply didn't speak of it. That was fine--because even that
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93 painful truth made Tomoyo happy. It meant that Sakura cared enough about
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94 her feelings to spare them, and Tomoyo was willing to accept that.
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95
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96 But it wasn't the same as telling her. It wasn't the same as taking
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97 Sakura's hand in hers, bringing it to her lips, whispering /aishiteimasu/,
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98 and watching Sakura's eyes light up with joy. It wasn't the same as walking
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99 together hand in hand and knowing that everyone else knew who and what they
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100 were, or holding each other in their arms after making love.
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101
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102 Do you know what I mean?
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103 And have you seen it too?
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104 Do you know what I mean?
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105 Do you know?
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106 And I'll do anything
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107 Just tell me what it means
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108 Cause I can't live in doubt anymore
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109
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110 Tomoyo's hands gripped the fabric of the dress tightly, her knuckles
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111 whitening. She squeezed her eyes shut to banish to image that leapt
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112 unbidden into her mind, but it did no good--it merely succeeded in
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113 squeezing a single tear out of eyes that she'd thought were dry. She jerked
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114 back as she felt the wetness, let it roll down her cheek rather than fall
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115 on the outfit she was working on. She would not cry--Sakura was in the next
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116 room, spending the night. She would not allow Sakura to see her like this.
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117
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118 Do we try or should we
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119 just say goodbye
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120
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121 Her mother had figured it out early on. She blessed it, of course, but was
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122 of the opinion that Tomoyo should either fish or cut bait--that if she
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123 wasn't going to tell Sakura, that she'd be better off leaving her to go her
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124 own way after high school. Tomoyo knew she meant well, knew that her mother
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125 only wanted to spare her the pain she'd gone through when Nadeshiko had
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126 married Fujitaka.
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127
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128 If you'd rather be somewhere
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129 that's not here
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130 then you just gotta tell me
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131 Cause there's so much more to life
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132 than pretending
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133
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134 In truth, she'd half-expected Sakura to be the one to break off the
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135 friendship. Not maliciously, because Sakura would never do anything
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136 malicious to hurt someone, least of all a friend--but on any one of the
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137 numerous occasions when Tomoyo had been a little /too/ enthusiastic with
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138 her professions of how wonderful Sakura was, in front of her. When they
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139 were younger, it had occasionally discomfited Sakura, which Tomoyo was
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140 grateful for--Sakura was so open about things like that, it let her know
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141 when she'd crossed the line. But as they'd grown up, throughough junior
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142 high and high school, Sakura had gradually ceased being put off by Tomoyo's
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143 displays. Was it that it didn't bother her anymore, or was she just getting
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144 better at keeping it inside?
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145
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146 Don't you know
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147 Don't you know
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148 Darling for you
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149 I'd do anything at all
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150
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151 Sakura had only to say it, and Tomoyo would do it. If Sakura had ever told
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152 her, "Tomoyo, this bothers me," Tomoyo would stop. If Sakura had ever asked
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153 her for anything, Tomoyo would give it to her if it were in her power. And
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154 if Sakura had ever asked Tomoyo to be hers, to any extent or in any
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155 capacity, it would be so before the words had time to pass her lips.
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156 Anything.
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157
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158 I wanna be with you
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159 but that look in your eyes
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160 tells me something
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161
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162 Tomoyo would do anything for Sakura's happiness... including giving up on
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163 her own.
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164
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165 Do you know what I mean?
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166 And have you seen it too?
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167 Do you know what I mean?
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168 Do you know?
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169 And I'll do anything
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170 Just tell me what it means
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171 Cause I can't live in doubt anymore
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172
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173 But it wasn't really giving up her own happiness, was it? If Sakura was
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174 happy, that made Tomoyo happy. She was the very embodiment of the word
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175 /setsunasa/--that simultanaeity of bittersweet happiness, the thing which
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176 was a source of both sweet yearning and pain. It was embroidered into her
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177 being as inextricably as the lace she set about assiduously sewing to the
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178 cuffs of the dress.
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179
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180
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181 I wanna know
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182 can you tell me
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183 I wanna know
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184 will you tell me
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185 is it hello
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186 is it good-bye
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187
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188 At last, she was done. Tomoyo held up her handiwork and inspected it
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189 critically. No, a seam on the collar was misaligned; it would need to be
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190 redone. Fortunately, it was just a matter of ripping out the stitches and
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191 running that part through the sewing machine again. Tomoyo did so, letting
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192 the mindless automation of the work drive thought from her mind and dry her
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193 eyes.
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194
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195
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196 She was grateful for the dry eyes a few minutes later, as Sakura knocked
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197 once and opened the door without waiting for a response.
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198
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199 "Sakura!" Tomoyo exclaimed. "Wait just a minute, it's /almost/ done..."
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200
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201 I gotta know
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202 won't you tell me
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203 I gotta know
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204 you can tell me
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205 is it hello
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206 or just good-bye
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207
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208 "I'm sorry," Sakura said sheepishly. "I know you don't like to be
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209 disturbed when you're working..."
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210
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211 Tomoyo shook her head firmly, as if the very notion that Sakura could
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212 disturb her was absurd. "No, no, it's just that I wanted you to see it when
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213 it was finished... I'm afraid it's not my best work," she added with a
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214 pensive glance at the uneven stitching. "I'll need to tailor it a bit, of
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215 course."
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216
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217 I gotta know
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218 can you tell me
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219 I gotta know
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220 will you tell me
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221 is it hello
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222 is it good-bye
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223
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224 This didn't seem to matter one bit to Sakura, who stared at Tomoyo's
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225 latest creation with open-mouthed wonder. She rushed forward and felt at
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226 the silken texture, rubbed the lace between her fingers. "I don't believe
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227 you for a minute," she said insistently, her eyes fairly sparkling. "It's
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228 /wonderful/."
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229
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230 I gotta know
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231 won't you tell me
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232 I gotta know
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233 you can tell me
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234 is it hello...
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235
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236 Sakura set the dress aside and hugged Tomoyo tightly. "Thank you, thank
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237 you, thank you!" She drew back and kissed Tomoyo on the cheek, taking her
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238 hands in hers. Tomoyo drank in the touch as if it were life itself, and
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239 committed the kiss to memory for all time. If Sakura never kissed her
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240 again, nor held her hands like this, Tomoyo would still feel complete,
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241 having known this moment. "Oh Tomoyo, what would I do without you? It's the
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242 most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
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243
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244 Or just good-bye...
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245
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246 Tomoyo smiled back at her friend. A thousand words passed through her
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247 mind, in every way she knew how to say them. /Daisuki desu. Aishiteimasu.
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248 Je t'aime. I love you./ Instead, however, she gazed at the dress, and
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249 smoothed wrinkles out of the white fabric. "That's good, because you'll be
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250 the most beautiful bride in the world."
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