rlm@0: _Ureshisou ni Shinagara, Naka Nakunaku_ rlm@0: rlm@0: Author: Catsy (nekojita@ayashi.net) rlm@0: Content: songfic, shoujo-ai, angst rlm@0: Song: Vector rlm@0: Artist: Sakamoto Maaya rlm@0: rlm@0: -- rlm@0: rlm@0: Hands as delicate and pale as the fabric they held worked at the needle, rlm@0: embroidering that which simply could not be entrusted to the sewing rlm@0: machine. Tomoyo's lips pursed in concentration, the tip of her tongue rlm@0: protruding just slightly as she worked the stitch over and under. Over and rlm@0: under. It was painstaking, laborious work, work which could easily fetch rlm@0: yen in the six-digit range, if she chose to sell it. rlm@0: rlm@0: She would not be selling it. It was for Sakura. rlm@0: rlm@0: Tomoyo tried to remember exactly when it was that she realized she loved rlm@0: Sakura. There had to have been a point when it progressed from best rlm@0: friends, to childhood infatuation, to real romance. Or was it imperceptibly rlm@0: gradual, the way leaves shift to calico colors in the fall? All Tomoyo knew rlm@0: was that it simply /was/. That was good enough; had to be good enough. rlm@0: rlm@0: But it wasn't. rlm@0: rlm@0: Told myself for a long time rlm@0: Don't go there rlm@0: You will only be sorry rlm@0: rlm@0: Eriol had politely suggested to her at one point that she and Sakura--and rlm@0: for that matter, many romantic relationships between women--suffered from rlm@0: the regrettable Japanese notion that women weren't permitted to make the rlm@0: first move. That if one or the other of them didn't break free of that and rlm@0: do /something/, they weren't ever likely to. Of course, when Eriol rlm@0: suggested something it was never /im/polite, and Tomoyo recognized on one rlm@0: level that he was right. It made her wonder why he'd say such a thing, rlm@0: since it was clear that Eriol approved of Sakura and Syaoran as a couple. rlm@0: rlm@0: Told myself so many times rlm@0: I just had to take a look rlm@0: in those faraway eyes rlm@0: rlm@0: Of course, he was both right and wrong at the same time. The psychological rlm@0: explanation made sense on the surface, but how could she explain to him her rlm@0: own reasons for remaining silent? rlm@0: rlm@0: Sakura's friendship was precious to her. From elementary school to middle rlm@0: school, to high school and beyond, Sakura's happiness sustained Tomoyo like rlm@0: lifeblood itself. She had but to walk into the room, and everyone rlm@0: immediately knew it--the temperature rose by a degree, moods lightened, and rlm@0: the room seemed somehow brighter for her presence. rlm@0: rlm@0: It wasn't that she didn't /want/ to be with Sakura. Nothing would make her rlm@0: happier than if she and Sakura could have a life together, bringing each rlm@0: other that fulfillment that only deep, bonding romance could. rlm@0: rlm@0: In them I saw a longing rlm@0: for something rlm@0: Maybe I couldn't give you rlm@0: rlm@0: But if she tried, and failed, what would be the cost? Was it worth the rlm@0: risk of harming her friendship with Sakura, for the sake of what she might rlm@0: never be able to have? rlm@0: rlm@0: Said it's all in my mind rlm@0: "It ain't nothing" rlm@0: rlm@0: Would it be worth risking everything, if all she got was a few stolen rlm@0: kisses, and something to giggle nervously about together when they were rlm@0: older? Was it worth the risk of hurting Sakura, or taking her away from rlm@0: what made her happy, to tell her how she felt just once? rlm@0: rlm@0: Don't say that rlm@0: Don't say that rlm@0: Darling no rlm@0: Don't say anything at all rlm@0: rlm@0: Tomoyo decided, as she had so many times before, that the answer was no. rlm@0: What she hadn't told Eriol, what she'd seen no reason to point out, is that rlm@0: Sakura probably knew anyway. She was naive and dense, but a remarkably good rlm@0: judge of character. Tomoyo found it impossible to believe, given how long rlm@0: they'd known each other, that Sakura could /not/ know how Tomoyo felt. rlm@0: rlm@0: rlm@0: Because I've seen it now rlm@0: Can't pretend anymore rlm@0: "It ain't nothing" rlm@0: rlm@0: The only explanation, the only sensible one, was that Sakura /did/ rlm@0: know--and didn't feel the same way. And that rather than hurt Tomoyo's rlm@0: feelings, she simply didn't speak of it. That was fine--because even that rlm@0: painful truth made Tomoyo happy. It meant that Sakura cared enough about rlm@0: her feelings to spare them, and Tomoyo was willing to accept that. rlm@0: rlm@0: But it wasn't the same as telling her. It wasn't the same as taking rlm@0: Sakura's hand in hers, bringing it to her lips, whispering /aishiteimasu/, rlm@0: and watching Sakura's eyes light up with joy. It wasn't the same as walking rlm@0: together hand in hand and knowing that everyone else knew who and what they rlm@0: were, or holding each other in their arms after making love. rlm@0: rlm@0: Do you know what I mean? rlm@0: And have you seen it too? rlm@0: Do you know what I mean? rlm@0: Do you know? rlm@0: And I'll do anything rlm@0: Just tell me what it means rlm@0: Cause I can't live in doubt anymore rlm@0: rlm@0: Tomoyo's hands gripped the fabric of the dress tightly, her knuckles rlm@0: whitening. She squeezed her eyes shut to banish to image that leapt rlm@0: unbidden into her mind, but it did no good--it merely succeeded in rlm@0: squeezing a single tear out of eyes that she'd thought were dry. She jerked rlm@0: back as she felt the wetness, let it roll down her cheek rather than fall rlm@0: on the outfit she was working on. She would not cry--Sakura was in the next rlm@0: room, spending the night. She would not allow Sakura to see her like this. rlm@0: rlm@0: Do we try or should we rlm@0: just say goodbye rlm@0: rlm@0: Her mother had figured it out early on. She blessed it, of course, but was rlm@0: of the opinion that Tomoyo should either fish or cut bait--that if she rlm@0: wasn't going to tell Sakura, that she'd be better off leaving her to go her rlm@0: own way after high school. Tomoyo knew she meant well, knew that her mother rlm@0: only wanted to spare her the pain she'd gone through when Nadeshiko had rlm@0: married Fujitaka. rlm@0: rlm@0: If you'd rather be somewhere rlm@0: that's not here rlm@0: then you just gotta tell me rlm@0: Cause there's so much more to life rlm@0: than pretending rlm@0: rlm@0: In truth, she'd half-expected Sakura to be the one to break off the rlm@0: friendship. Not maliciously, because Sakura would never do anything rlm@0: malicious to hurt someone, least of all a friend--but on any one of the rlm@0: numerous occasions when Tomoyo had been a little /too/ enthusiastic with rlm@0: her professions of how wonderful Sakura was, in front of her. When they rlm@0: were younger, it had occasionally discomfited Sakura, which Tomoyo was rlm@0: grateful for--Sakura was so open about things like that, it let her know rlm@0: when she'd crossed the line. But as they'd grown up, throughough junior rlm@0: high and high school, Sakura had gradually ceased being put off by Tomoyo's rlm@0: displays. Was it that it didn't bother her anymore, or was she just getting rlm@0: better at keeping it inside? rlm@0: rlm@0: Don't you know rlm@0: Don't you know rlm@0: Darling for you rlm@0: I'd do anything at all rlm@0: rlm@0: Sakura had only to say it, and Tomoyo would do it. If Sakura had ever told rlm@0: her, "Tomoyo, this bothers me," Tomoyo would stop. If Sakura had ever asked rlm@0: her for anything, Tomoyo would give it to her if it were in her power. And rlm@0: if Sakura had ever asked Tomoyo to be hers, to any extent or in any rlm@0: capacity, it would be so before the words had time to pass her lips. rlm@0: Anything. rlm@0: rlm@0: I wanna be with you rlm@0: but that look in your eyes rlm@0: tells me something rlm@0: rlm@0: Tomoyo would do anything for Sakura's happiness... including giving up on rlm@0: her own. rlm@0: rlm@0: Do you know what I mean? rlm@0: And have you seen it too? rlm@0: Do you know what I mean? rlm@0: Do you know? rlm@0: And I'll do anything rlm@0: Just tell me what it means rlm@0: Cause I can't live in doubt anymore rlm@0: rlm@0: But it wasn't really giving up her own happiness, was it? If Sakura was rlm@0: happy, that made Tomoyo happy. She was the very embodiment of the word rlm@0: /setsunasa/--that simultanaeity of bittersweet happiness, the thing which rlm@0: was a source of both sweet yearning and pain. It was embroidered into her rlm@0: being as inextricably as the lace she set about assiduously sewing to the rlm@0: cuffs of the dress. rlm@0: rlm@0: rlm@0: I wanna know rlm@0: can you tell me rlm@0: I wanna know rlm@0: will you tell me rlm@0: is it hello rlm@0: is it good-bye rlm@0: rlm@0: At last, she was done. Tomoyo held up her handiwork and inspected it rlm@0: critically. No, a seam on the collar was misaligned; it would need to be rlm@0: redone. Fortunately, it was just a matter of ripping out the stitches and rlm@0: running that part through the sewing machine again. Tomoyo did so, letting rlm@0: the mindless automation of the work drive thought from her mind and dry her rlm@0: eyes. rlm@0: rlm@0: rlm@0: She was grateful for the dry eyes a few minutes later, as Sakura knocked rlm@0: once and opened the door without waiting for a response. rlm@0: rlm@0: "Sakura!" Tomoyo exclaimed. "Wait just a minute, it's /almost/ done..." rlm@0: rlm@0: I gotta know rlm@0: won't you tell me rlm@0: I gotta know rlm@0: you can tell me rlm@0: is it hello rlm@0: or just good-bye rlm@0: rlm@0: "I'm sorry," Sakura said sheepishly. "I know you don't like to be rlm@0: disturbed when you're working..." rlm@0: rlm@0: Tomoyo shook her head firmly, as if the very notion that Sakura could rlm@0: disturb her was absurd. "No, no, it's just that I wanted you to see it when rlm@0: it was finished... I'm afraid it's not my best work," she added with a rlm@0: pensive glance at the uneven stitching. "I'll need to tailor it a bit, of rlm@0: course." rlm@0: rlm@0: I gotta know rlm@0: can you tell me rlm@0: I gotta know rlm@0: will you tell me rlm@0: is it hello rlm@0: is it good-bye rlm@0: rlm@0: This didn't seem to matter one bit to Sakura, who stared at Tomoyo's rlm@0: latest creation with open-mouthed wonder. She rushed forward and felt at rlm@0: the silken texture, rubbed the lace between her fingers. "I don't believe rlm@0: you for a minute," she said insistently, her eyes fairly sparkling. "It's rlm@0: /wonderful/." rlm@0: rlm@0: I gotta know rlm@0: won't you tell me rlm@0: I gotta know rlm@0: you can tell me rlm@0: is it hello... rlm@0: rlm@0: Sakura set the dress aside and hugged Tomoyo tightly. "Thank you, thank rlm@0: you, thank you!" She drew back and kissed Tomoyo on the cheek, taking her rlm@0: hands in hers. Tomoyo drank in the touch as if it were life itself, and rlm@0: committed the kiss to memory for all time. If Sakura never kissed her rlm@0: again, nor held her hands like this, Tomoyo would still feel complete, rlm@0: having known this moment. "Oh Tomoyo, what would I do without you? It's the rlm@0: most beautiful thing I've ever seen." rlm@0: rlm@0: Or just good-bye... rlm@0: rlm@0: Tomoyo smiled back at her friend. A thousand words passed through her rlm@0: mind, in every way she knew how to say them. /Daisuki desu. Aishiteimasu. rlm@0: Je t'aime. I love you./ Instead, however, she gazed at the dress, and rlm@0: smoothed wrinkles out of the white fabric. "That's good, because you'll be rlm@0: the most beautiful bride in the world."