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1 Why
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2 by Althea K.
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3
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4
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5
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6 I know you couldn't possibly understand. And that's alright. I don't
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7 expect you to.
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8
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9 And I know that if I did try to explain it to you, you would protest
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10 and say that I'm wrong, that no one will ever be more important to
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11 you than I. And that's alright, too. Because I would know you didn't
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12 mean to lie.
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13
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14 Someday, you'll be gone. Oh, sure, we might stay in touch:
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15 occasional phone calls with long, uncomfortable silences, chance
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16 meetings in public places involving forced, halting conversation and
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17 maybe some awkward attempt at physical contact. But do you honestly
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18 believe that as the years go by we'll be able to maintain this kind
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19 of intensity? Believe me, there is nothing I would love more than to
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20 remain forever the center of your universe, the focus of your life,
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21 that routine yet joyous event that every day must be planned around.
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22 I would love so much to spend my every moment by your side, to always
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23 have your voice, rough with sleep, be the very first I hear when I
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24 wake each morning.
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25
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26 But this will never be my place.
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27
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28 For now I can race through the streets with your hand clasped in
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29 mine; for now I can collapse on the dewey grass with you, my head
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30 resting on your soft belly until the last crazed traces of laughter
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31 have faded from that violent hitching and heaving to the subtlety of
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32 your gentle, steady breath. But there will come a time when I can no
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33 longer crawl into bed with you and dream of your ever loving me as I
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34 love you and pretend to feel your lips against my forehead as I drift
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35 into sleep. There will come a time when there is another in that
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36 place. This fortunate person will be honoured with that goodnight
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37 kiss I have always secretly longed for but never could request from
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38 you.
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39
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40 Our time together is so limited; I must cherish every moment I can
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41 get. I must burn each and every moment into my memory, tuck each one
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42 away for those bitter times ahead when I will have to watch you from
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43 a distance, walking by his side. What else will keep me warm those
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44 cold nights when you will run to his arms instead of mine?
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45
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46 There is no way to make you understand such things. I can see it in
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47 your eyes, can feel it in your touch..
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48
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49 I wish you wouldn't ask me.
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50
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51 Whenever I can't answer a question of yours with total honesty, I
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52 feel sick in my heart. I feel like I have lied to you, have somehow
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53 let you down. But if I told you the whole truth, you wouldn't
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54 understand. You simply wouldn't see. The innocence in your voice when
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55 you ask me is enough to make this certain fact. What good would it do
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56 to confuse you, perhaps to frighten you? I don't want to make you cry.
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57
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58 And you would, wouldn't you? Cry and deny and cling to my arm.
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59 Tangle loving fingers in my hair and tell me the end will never come.
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60 Sing sweet lies to me, unable to see the truth through your tears of
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61 naivety.
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62
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63 I wish you could blind me with those tears. I wish that I didn't
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64 have to see the lonely nights ahead of me with such perfect clarity.
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65 I could put away my camera and grab your hand and dance with you
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66 until the years fall away like sheets of silk.. I could... I could..
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67
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68 I could fall asleep on a pillow no longer damp with tears.
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69
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70 I could enjoy each moment without the desperate need to capture it
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71 on film.
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72
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73 I could put away my camera without fear of missing anything..
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74
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75 Oh.. I wish I could forget...
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76
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77 Every smile... Every laugh... I must hold... forever.
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78
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79 It may be the last you ever share with me.
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80
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81
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82
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83
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84 ---------------------------------------------------------------------
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85 -----------
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86
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87
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88 (Legal Disclaimer: The characters and situations of Card Captor
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89 Sakura belong to CLAMP and.. whoever else holds the rights.)
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90
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91 (Author's Note: If you want to use this fanfic on your website, want
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92 to talk about anime lesbians, or don't know what the hell this fanfic
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93 was about, please email me at either womanprince@hotmail.com or
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94 poorjuri@hotmail.com. Thank you.) |
