view old/stories/dearsakura-25.txt @ 4:69f0191c9016 moonlitnights tip

added error.log and access.log
author Robert McIntyre <rlm@mit.edu>
date Tue, 22 Jun 2010 13:42:35 -0400
parents fc00894c1d4a
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1 "Ouch!" Sakura shook her finger in the air and then sucked on the
2 fingertip, tasting the salty tang of her own blood. How did Tomoyo do
3 all that sewing without ending up like a pincushion? Smiling
4 ruefully, she realized that her sewing skills were lacking because
5 she always depended on Tomoyo, her father, and even her brother for
6 most thread and needlework. She could mend a tear and put on a patch,
7 but the tailoring that her best friend did was simply beyond her. She
8 remembered early on as a Cardcaptor peeking into a company van and
9 seeing the spectacular wardrobe Tomoyo had prepared for her. At the
10 time, she concluded the massive resources of the Daidouji household,
11 or even Daidouji Toys, Ltd., had been marshaled and deployed to clad
12 her in a parade of kawaii regalia. Only later did she learn that
13 Tomoyo did every stitch herself. Through the years that followed, the
14 two girls spent hours together, talking and drinking tea while Tomoyo
15 fitted and altered the amazing creations. Being with the little
16 seamstress made precious an experience that would otherwise have been
17 tedious as Sakura stretched and posed while Tomoyo snipped and sewed.
18 For the Card Mistress it was a chance to talk about her loves and
19 fears and joys while the dark-haired girl listened, solemn and cheery
20 in turn. Tomoyo was as careful with her heart as with the delicate
21 fabrics that made up the costumes, and her carefully considered
22 advice and reassurance helped Sakura through many a difficult time.
23 As she sewed a strip of satin to trim the hem of the little yellow
24 dress Tomoyo had left in Hong Kong, Sakura began to grasp the
25 countless hours of labor that the quiet, pale girl had spent just to
26 make her look special.
28 Again she remembered that truck full of outfits Tomoyo unveiled
29 before they went to capture the Shadow card. There was a spectacular
30 array of over 50 costumes that ranged from the cute to the dramatic,
31 with the occasional practical piece thrown in for good measure. After
32 the terrifying exertions of capturing Shadow, Sakura had asked Tomoyo
33 how she got so many costumes ready so quickly. Tomoyo smiled
34 enigmatically and replied,
36 "Oh, I've been working on them for over a year".
38 Sakura gave the girl a baffled look and blurted out, "But you only
39 found out about me and Clow Cards a few days ago."
41 Tomoyo tilted her head, lavender hair blending into the dark,
42 moonless night as she answered in a musical voice, "I've always known
43 Sakura-chan was a magical girl.”
45 Sakura merely sweatdropped, dismissing this as one of her adoring
46 friend's many eccentricities. But now, years later, she was quietly
47 astonished. Long before the creations of Clow Reed had found her,
48 Tomoyo saw her as magical. Not for her power, or the cards she
49 captured, but for herself. Sakura smiled as she worked the needle
50 carefully through the gossamer material. From the day they met in
51 that third grade classroom, Tomoyo's love had been ever-present,
52 wrapped around Sakura’s heart like a comforting cocoon. She was
53 always special to the sapphire-eyed girl, long before she was the
54 Mistress of the Cards. Sakura paused, puzzled, the silver needle
55 poised in midair as she softly whispered,
57 "It's as if I was always her special person". She felt her face
58 flush scarlet: that wonderful flustery feeling of being loved by
59 Tomoyo. How she missed that in Hong Kong. The longing grew worse
60 every day without her. The ache in her breast was finally assuaged by
61 that enchanting visit, but her heart shattered watching the aircraft
62 spirit Tomoyo away. Her special person. Sakura stared at the fabric
63 in her lap, the last, unfinished design of her best friend. With a
64 grin, she shook her head and thought a little sadly, oh, to be her
65 special person for just one day! Sakura had been slow to realize the
66 depths of Tomoyo's love. Only distance, which clove the two friends
67 as nothing before, revealed how cruel separation could be. Without
68 the constant presence of that fulsome love, Sakura felt hopelessly
69 adrift. She tumbled into dark despair, with only her unrealized love
70 to light the way. Glowing like a little candle in the blackest night,
71 that love for Tomoyo finally blazed forth when she at last understood
72 her heart. And though she was not Tomoyo's special someone, that did
73 not affect her own love in the least. Even if Tomoyo did end up
74 happily with her special person, Sakura's love would shine forth like
75 a beacon through the pain of not having her. I'll love her no matter
76 what, she thought to herself. But I'll die if she leaves me.
78 Remembering the chilling farewell in Tomoyo’s last letter, Sakura
79 teetered on the brink of tears. If she leaves me. Taking a deep
80 breath, Sakura buried the thought, for she could not face such a
81 wretched possibility. "Buttons", she said suddenly, "I need buttons
82 for this dress". Rising, she carefully placed the dress on the desk,
83 slipping off the thimble and absent-mindedly massaging her pin-
84 pricked hands. Stretching, she felt the fatigue fall from her body as
85 muscles tensed and relaxed. The buttons would be upstairs, in the
86 attic, with the sewing supplies she had packed away before moving to
87 Hong Kong. She walked from the room, down the hall past her sleeping
88 brother, and climbed the ladder to the trap door. Emerging into the
89 darkness, she carefully felt her way along the wall and then
90 hesitated as a fear of the dark bubbled up from long ago. Slowly
91 letting out a breath she grimaced, ashamed at such a childish worry.
92 Inching her way forward, her nimble fingers finally brushed against
93 the light switch and clicked it on. The naked bulb starkly
94 illuminated the maze of tightly stacked boxes and trunks. Sakura
95 realized her father or brother had rearranged things since she left,
96 for the sewing things were nowhere to be seen.
98 With a shrug she began to move boxes, coughing in the billowing
99 dust. Finally, on the verge of giving up, she uncovered a small
100 shoebox with the word, "notions" written on the side. The writing
101 puzzled her, for she did not recognize the almost childish script.
102 With a tug, she pulled it out from the little nook it was wedged
103 into. Opening the lid, she found a box full of buttons- perfect! She
104 smiled and carried the little treasure over to the light, examining
105 the varied circles and squares of plastic and metal. Spilling some
106 out onto the lid, she nodded happily. These would do just fine. Then,
107 Sakura's attention was caught by something at the bottom. She poured
108 more buttons out in a little pile, and gingerly pulled out a faded
109 photograph.
111 The colors had washed out over the years, but the figures were
112 instantly recognizable. Tomoyo’s mother was dressed in a schoolgirl's
113 sailor suit. Draped over the young Sonomi was Sakura's mother,
114 similarly clad in a dark blue dress, a red bow around her collar.
115 With one arm she embraced her cousin, while the other was held up,
116 triumphantly showing two bandaged fingers in a little "V" for
117 victory. Both girls were smiling merrily, surrounded by the supplies
118 and equipment of what looked like a Home Economics classroom. Sakura
119 turned the picture over, and written in that same childish
120 handwriting that adorned the box were four lines:
122 "Hiroji-sensei's class
123 7th grade
124 I passed!
125 Thank you, Sonomi-chan"
127 The back was decorated with odd little doodles of hearts and
128 flowers. Sakura looked again at the picture and smiled, thanking her
129 mother for the little present that had waited so patiently. Tomoyo's
130 costume could have no better buttons than these. Emptying them back
131 into the box, the auburn-haired woman carefully placed the photograph
132 on top and replaced the lid, tucking the package under her arm.
133 Turning off the light, she moved to the entranceway of the attic and
134 climbed down to the hall. Returning to her room, she placed the
135 shoebox on the desk, took up the fabric and began to sew again. She
136 was startled when a familiar voice called out from the shadows behind
137 her,
139 "What are you doing?"
141 She turned quickly, and saw Syaoran standing up against the wall,
142 arms crossed and scowling. She rose and took one step towards him,
143 but something in his manner froze her. In a meek tone she answered,
145 "I'm sorry I couldn't tell you before I left, but I had to hurry. I
146 called Ieran-sama when my flight arrived. Didn't she tell you"?
148 Syaoran looked away with barely suppressed anger, as if he were
149 addressing a hopelessly slow child. Then he nodded to the pile of
150 fabric on the floor and impatiently repeated himself, "What-are-you-
151 doing"?
153 "Oh", Sakura glanced at the dress she had dropped to the floor. She
154 scurried to pick it up, and held it in front of her husband. Her
155 smile faltered as he recoiled in horror at the unfinished costume he
156 had seen in his Mother’s magic. He yelled at her,
158 “Put that damn thing away. Where did you get it? What is it?”
160 Neatly folding the costume, she placed it back on the desk, then
161 faced Syaoran, her hands held to her breast as she replied,
163 "I, I wanted to make something for Tomoyo-chan. Well, actually, she
164 made it, the design, I mean, I could never do something like this.
165 And she started it, but because of the wedding dress being the last
166 thing she would make for me she didn't finish, and I thought I could,
167 well, finish it for her, and I found some of mother's buttons in the
168 attic and..." Her voice trailed off into silence. Caught by her
169 husband's withering stare, she felt small and foolish.
171 As he calmed down, Syaoran struggled to keep his sense of gravity.
172 As if impressed by his own cleverness, he sneered, “I knew that crazy
173 girl had something to do with all this. All right, get your things
174 together and let’s go.”
176 But instead of compliance, Sakura stood with her hands clasped and
177 head bowed. Syaoran stepped towards her, irritated at this unusual
178 hesitation. In a soft but firm voice she broke the silence, “I’m not
179 going. I have to see Tomoyo-chan”.
181 He stopped short, flabbergasted. All he could manage was a hoarse,
182 “What”?
184 Sakura looked up at him, jade eyes flashing a fiery determination he
185 had rarely seen since the days of card capturing. But her voice was
186 calm as she continued, “Tomoyo-chan said she is going to leave. I
187 have to see her.”
189 The future Head of the House of Li frowned, struggling to suppress
190 his anger. He snapped at the woman within arm’s reach, “You can call
191 her on the phone, or write one of your silly letters. We’re going
192 home- now”.
194 Sakura looked at the floor and slowly shook her head. He felt a wild
195 urge to strike her, to slap the defiance out of her. Barely in
196 control of his raging emotions he spluttered, “I can’t believe I’m
197 hearing this. What kind of garbage did she fill your head up with”?
198 He paused, and drew a deep breath. This was not like his complacent
199 wife at all. Very well. The chivalrous husband would try a new tack
200 and forgive his erring wife. He pronounced in a patronizing and
201 reassuring tone, “Now let me help you with your bags and we can talk
202 about it on the plane.”
204 But Sakura looked up at him, earnestly gazing at his face. Finally,
205 she said simply, “No”.
207 Fists clenched, shaking with fury, he turned his back on her,
208 shaking with rage. How dare she defy him! After running off to Japan,
209 wasting money they did not have, and now refusing to obey. Unable to
210 contain his anger, he slammed his fist into the door, nearly rattling
211 it off the hinges. “Damn it!” he yelled, “Who do you think you are?”
213 Whirling to face her, falling into a fighting stance, his mind raced
214 out of control. But the young woman simply stood before him, calm and
215 unafraid. Suddenly there came a knock on the door, and a male voice
216 called out, “Sakura-chan, what’s going on?” The door opened, and a
217 pajama-clad Touya peered into the room. Seeing Syaoran, he frowned,
218 and then looked carefully at his younger sister. In as neutral a
219 voice as he could manage he asked,
221 “Do you need any help”?
223 Sakura relaxed, smiled, shook her head and answered sweetly, “No,
224 everything is fine. I’m sorry we woke you up. We’ll be more quiet”.
226 Touya shot another warning look at his least favorite brother-in-law
227 before sizing up the seemingly unconcerned young woman. “OK”, he
228 spoke in his usual laconic voice, as if such domestic squabbles
229 around the house at 3 A.M were the norm, “But you call me if you need
230 me. Goodnight.”
232 When the door closed, the two stood silent, facing each other for
233 the longest time. Finally, with an exasperated sigh Syaoran fixed his
234 wayward wife with a hard stare. His voice was commanding, even
235 patronizing, as if he would no longer brook her exasperating
236 insolence,
238 “Sakura, you have to make choices in life. You have to have
239 priorities. You’re a big girl now, married to the future Head of the
240 House of Li. I can’t have you running off every time some loopy girl
241 from the past calls you on the phone. You just can’t do this sort of
242 thing. It makes me look ridiculous. Tomoeda was nice, but it’s all
243 over now. You have a new life, with me You’re going to have to choose
244 between your friend and your true love. Now, go get your things and
245 we’ll forget all about this”.
247 At first Sakura looked at him with surprise, and then stared at the
248 floor. The Chinese sorcerer smiled as he detected the glint of tears
249 welling in her eyes. She looked deep in thought, and after a moment
250 looked up at him with wet and sparkling eyes. Her voice was brimming
251 with emotion as she spoke,
253 “I’m sorry, Syaoran-chan. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault. I
254 guess I knew the choice would come someday soon, just not this soon.
255 If only I’d known. I’m so sorry.”
257 The tears coursed down her cheeks as she stood miserably before him.
258 Well, he thought, at least she’s speaking sense now. He almost felt
259 pity for her, though his anger was still too fresh and raw for that.
260 He did care for her, though at times like this love was an ordeal.
261 Still, he would find it in his heart to forgive her. But he would
262 make sure she never saw or talked or wrote to that crazy Daidouji
263 woman ever again. Syaoran’s quiet voice brimmed with magniminity for
264 a defeated foe, “Come on Sakura-chan. Let’s go home.”
266 But the woman did not move, looking at him sadly as she spoke, “I’m
267 not going.”
269 Too baffled to be angry, he gawked at her, mouth open as if his
270 words were frozen in mid-sentence. Sakura shook her head and spoke
271 almost pleadingly,
273 “It’s my fault. I should have known my own feelings. If I had, all
274 this would never have happened. I’ve hurt so many people: you, your
275 mother, Meiling-chan, Tomoyo-chan. All because I was too stupid to
276 know what was in my heart.”
278 Syaoran could only stare in disbelief as the woman hugged herself
279 tightly for reassurance before continuing,
281 “Syaoran-chan, you were always one of my very best friends. I
282 couldn’t have done what I did with the cards without you. It meant so
283 much to me that we were together. And I do love you, as a friend
284 forever in my heart. But now I know my true love is Tomoyo-chan. I’ve
285 loved her all along, but just didn’t understand. Not until last
286 night. Last night. That’s only a day ago.” The woman looked stunned
287 as she said this, as if an entire life had been lived in only 24
288 hours. After a brief smile, she spoke again,
290 “Last night I finally realized who I love. My one, true love. My
291 special person. She was so close for so long that I never knew until
292 she was gone. I could have saved everyone so much pain if I knew.”
294 Pain. Syaoran felt it in a wave, as helpless as when Meiling
295 connected with his solar plexus earlier that day. Staring at his wife
296 in dumb incomprehension, he managed to croak out,
298 “But Sakura, I love you.”
300 She looked at him, and he had the uncomfortable sensation that with
301 her magic she could see straight to his heart. She smiled and asked
302 gently, “Do you really love me Syaoran, like that? It really hasn’t
303 felt that way. Not like I thought it would. Not like what I feel from
304 her.”
306 Indignant and righteous, he made ready to protest. But the auburn-
307 haired woman held up her hand and commanded his silence. A sudden
308 wave of something ineffable washed over them both, a shuddering,
309 prickly sensation that enveloped him like a living fog. He stared at
310 his wife, for somehow she was changed. It was as if all the magic
311 were drained out of her like water in broken crockery. She stood
312 before him, not the Mistress of the Cards, but as little Kinomoto
313 Sakura, sweet, genki, and horribly ordinary. Her voice was the same
314 he had heard on a playground long ago, when the Cards were in the
315 air, and a Japanese schoolgirl had just begun her long journey,
317 “You loved Yukito once, like I did. But when my powers grew greater
318 than his, then your affection for me did, too. Do you really love me,
319 Syaoran-chan? If I was just plain old Sakura, would you still love me
320 then?”
322 He recoiled at the sight. Stripped her magical glamour she seemed
323 small and weak. Where was the enchanting woman he had married? Where
324 was the successor to the famed Clow Reed? Was this some illusion, a
325 doppelganger that had abducted his precious wife and substituted some
326 bland and pathetic double? He began to speak, to accuse and threaten
327 this alien presence, when he heard Sakura’s voice, distant yet
328 familiar. She stared at him, his mind hers to know. Sadly shaking her
329 head, she quietly spoke,
331 “ I’m not an illusion. It’s just me. It’s just me without my magic.
332 It’s who I really am. But I don’t think it’s who you really love. Do
333 you? Do you really love me, Syaoran-chan?”
335 He felt sick as he looked at her. She was nothing, a nobody. In a
336 bitter tone he declared, “You sound just like Mother.”
338 Sakura let out a little sigh and the two stood silent. Finally, she
339 spoke in a voice etched with the pain of a new found knowledge,
340 “Ieran-sama is very wise. For all my power, she is much wiser than
341 me. She was right, Syaoran-chan. We don’t belong together. Now I know
342 that she didn’t really hate me. She just wanted what was best for
343 everyone. Even me.”
345 With that he looked up and saw her as he knew her, energy flooding
346 back, filling her pure power. In fear and awe he beheld her, once
347 again the dread Mistress of the Cards. He reeled backwards, confused
348 and frightened, his mother’s mocking voice blaring inside his head.
349 He held his hands to his temples as her piecing words echoed, “You
350 don’t love her. You love her power.” He felt helpless, a rag doll in
351 the hands of a blind and savage Fate. Struggling to regain his calm,
352 he leaned against the wall and whimpered. Sakura stood with her hands
353 at her side, unable to comfort her shattered husband. Finally he
354 composed himself enough to turn and face her. He was no man’s fool.
355 He was not to be trifled with. Trembling, he took an envelope from
356 his pocket, opened it, and placed a ticket on the nearby dresser. His
357 face was blank as he spoke,
359 “I’m leaving. If you are not on this plane when it departs, then
360 don’t bother coming back again. Ever.” He felt a surge of power, as
361 if he, and not this stupid and dangerous woman, was in control. She
362 bowed low, her sad, verdant eyes locked with his as she answered
363 softly,
365 “Hai, Syaoran. Sayonara.”
367 He strode for the door, and then stopped. Turning quickly, he gaped
368 at her, his face twisted with loathing. He spat out the bitter words,
369 “I don’t love you. I hate you.” Then he walked through the door and
370 shut it firmly.
372 For a long time, Sakura stared at the closed door. Syaoran’s parting
373 words stung her, even though she knew they were not true. Consumed
374 with anger, his words spilled, tainted and colored by out-of-control
375 emotions. But part of what he said was true: he did not love her. Or,
376 rather, he loved her as a friend, and no more. Oddly, this was great
377 consolation for the shattered woman, who saw her marriage of months
378 implode in minutes. Had Syaoran truly loved her, she would have been
379 chained to a marriage that was a terrible mistake. For thousands of
380 years, women have borne loveless matches, and Sakura would have been
381 one among millions of sad and broken hearts. Perhaps she could have
382 found some happiness in children, or teaching, or even magic, all
383 while her heart longed for her true love. Or she might have died
384 slowly, longing for a love she could never have. Even leaving him
385 later was a stark possibility, and could only have made things worse
386 with the passage of time.
389 With a sigh, Sakura sat at her desk and again took up sewing. The
390 rhythm of needle and thread calmed her heart, for there was stillness
391 in the motion of every stitch. Suddenly she flinched as the needle
392 pricked her finger. Gazing at her hand, she put her work on the table
393 and slipped off the golden wedding ring. Placing it by the ticket on
394 the desk, she thought, I'll send it to him later. She stared at her
395 now bare finger. The ring came off so easily, as if their marriage
396 had never been. But that was not quite true either, for much had
397 happened in married life she did not regret, and would never forget.
398 Picking up the yellow dress and sewing again, she recalled the
399 exquisite anticipation of her wedding day, and the mystery of the
400 night that followed. To be in Syaoran’s company, if not quite love,
401 was pleasant, the companionship of two good friends. "It was my fault
402 for wanting it to be more, for not knowing my own feelings", she
403 whispered sadly. Curiously, Sakura felt no regret for the end of her
404 marriage. But she did feel sorry for the pain she brought Sayoran,
405 and knew that regret would never leave her.
407 Paradoxically, the greatest gift of her marriage was the misery of
408 being without Tomoyo. Growing up with the girl, she came to take her
409 amazing presence for granted. Being so close to that dazzling spirit
410 had blinded Sakura to her own true feelings. Only in Hong Kong did
411 she learn the hard lesson of what Tomoyo meant to her. When marriage
412 pulled them apart, she finally saw that life without the azure-eyed
413 girl was simply impossible. Accepting Syaoran's proposal, she prayed
414 marriage would bring her love. It did, but in a way completely
415 unforseen. Marriage was a strange path leading her far away, yet
416 bringing her back to where she started. But oh, how diffreent things
417 were now! When she left, Tomoyo was her friend. But tonight, as her
418 marriage ended, Tomoyo was her one, true love. And tommorow she would
419 see her again.
421 Sakura felt awash in giddy anticipation. Freedom swept her soul like
422 a gentle zephyr, a whipsering wind of possibilities and hope. Soon
423 she would see Tomoyo, lay her love at the dark-haired girl's feet,
424 and beg her to stay. She gigled, wondering about the woman's reaction
425 to so stunning a revelation. Perhaps she could never take the place
426 of that special someone in her friend's gentle heart. But just to be
427 with her, to feel Tomoyo's love again was enough. Even more, Sakura
428 wanted to make her happy, to heal the pain in those azure eyes. "I'll
429 give her everything I have", she thought, stitching the last button
430 into place, "though she already has my heart."
432 With that, she held up the costume, admiring the work. Well,
433 admiring Tomoyo's work, anyway, perfect as always. Her own
434 contribution was flawed: an uneven line here, a too-big button hole
435 there. But it was her work, and now the costume was theirs. Lovingly
436 she folded the silken fabric, and suddenly felt very, very tired.
437 Resting her head on the desk she whispered dreamily, "Tommorow.
438 Tommorow I'll see her. I'll see my angel."
440 And so, sleep came at last.