view old/stories/althea.txt @ 4:69f0191c9016 moonlitnights tip

added error.log and access.log
author Robert McIntyre <rlm@mit.edu>
date Tue, 22 Jun 2010 13:42:35 -0400
parents fc00894c1d4a
children
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1 (Author's Note: This is my first Card Captor Sakura fanfiction and,
2 at the time of its writing, I have only seen the first four episodes
3 of the series and read none of the manga, so please forgive any
4 errors I have made. I've also decided to, for this piece, neglect
5 most of the plot of the series and just stick to playing with the
6 characters. Also, some parts of the fic were written at insane hours
7 of early morning and so may be a little.... strange. Nevertheless, I
8 hope you enjoy the fic. *takes a little bow*)
11 ---------------------------------------------------------------------
12 -----------
16 So Much Easier
17 by Althea K.
20 "Coming, coming," Sakura called out, covering the mouthpiece of her
21 cell phone temporarily. She trotted, barefoot, to the door, still
22 listening with one ear to her father's voice. She peered out to see
23 who her visitor was, but could see only darkness. A frown pouted her
24 lips. "Hmph."
25 "Is something wrong, dear?"
26 "No, it's just... I could've *sworn* someone was knocking at the
27 door, but there's no one there."
28 "That's odd.."
29 Sakura opened the door and peeked out, a bit nervously, into the
30 night. "Hello? Is someone out here?" Silence was the only reply.
31 "Hrmph." Her eyes narrowed as she wondered if perhaps some
32 neighborhood children were playing a prank on her, only to widen as
33 she finally noticed the small package at her foot. She knelt to
34 retrieve it. "Hey, Dad, were you expecting a package or something?"
35 she asked, turning it carefully in her hand.
36 "No.."
37 "Odd. I'm not, either.. But here one is."
38 "A bit *late* for mail delivery, isn't it?"
39 Sakura muttered her agreement, glancing about one last time before
40 reentering the house and shutting the door behind her. "Maybe someone
41 left it for Touya?" she suggested doubtfully. "But it's been ages
42 since he's lived here... Who would send him anything at this
43 address?" In the light of the house she examined the brown paper
44 covering the rectangular package. "There doesn't seem to be a name on
45 it... Oh, wait." She squinted and bowed her head in, having
46 discovered one small word typed almost unnoticeably onto the
47 packaging: Sakura. "Huh. It's for me."
48 "An early birthday present, maybe?"
49 Sakura laughed. "If it is, it's *really* early."
50 "True.. Oh, honey, I'm sorry, but I have to go now. My
51 presentation's in five minutes and I still haven't organized all my
52 notes."
53 "Ah, it's okay. You want me to leave you something in the fridge for
54 when you get home?"
55 "You're so sweet! That would be wonderful; thank you."
56 "No problem. Good luck with your presentation."
57 Sakura shut off her phone after their parting words and headed into
58 the kitchen. Carefully, she broke the tape bindings with a small
59 steak knife and removed the brown paper wrap. "A video cassette?" She
60 quirked an eyebrow. Replacing the steak knife, she turned the
61 cassette around in her hands to read its title. Her eyes widened.
62 "'The True Confessions of Daidouji Tomoyo'??" she read aloud. "So
63 that was Tomoyo-chan at the door..." she mumbled numbly to herself,
64 her mind still twitching nervously around the idea of "true
65 confessions". She glanced toward the door as if she expected her
66 friend to still be there, then slowly turned back to the cassette.
67 "This isn't like Tomoyo-chan at all.. not even stopping in to say
68 'hello'..." Concern creased her brow as she tapped her fingers
69 worriedly against the hard plastic casing of the tape. After a long
70 moment of hesitation, Sakura picked up her phone and headed for her
71 bedroom. "Plenty of time to cook something for Dad later..." she
72 mumbled. She popped the cassette into her VCR, snapped her television
73 on, and plopped down onto her bed. The VCR came to life with a click
74 and a whirr and in moments Tomoyo's image lit up the screen, moving
75 backwards to sit in front of the camcorder.
76 "Hello, Sakura-chan.."
77 "Hi, Tomoyo-chan," Sakura blurted out before she could remember she
78 was talking to a recording. She blushed lightly, embarrassed by her
79 mistake, but this faded quickly as she took in the scene that her
80 friend had recorded. Tomoyo sat alone in her darkened room, her face
81 sad and her voice trembling slightly. Her skin seemed even paler than
82 usual somehow, even under the blue cast that the darkness painted her
83 with. Sakura's heart grew heavy with concern.
84 "I guess you've already seen the title of this little recording, so
85 you have some idea of what I'm doing here.. Like I wrote, it's a
86 confession... *my* confession. There are so many things that I've
87 been wanting to tell you over the years we've been friends, but I
88 just never had the courage to say them to you... You always were the
89 brave one, Sakura-chan." The image of Tomoyo punctuated her statement
90 with a tight, pained smile. "I always thought that I'd tell you when
91 you were older, but even now that you're older, I'm still a coward.
92 I'd hoped that by this time it would all be just a mildly
93 uncomfortable memory, you know? I thought I could tell you about it
94 and we'd look back together and laugh at my childhood foolishness.
95 Well, I'm eighteen now and I'm still not laughing." Tomoyo's image
96 paused and rubbed her palms against her pant legs. "Hell, I'm wishing
97 now I could just go back in time, so things could be like that
98 again.. I could at least be a little naive then. It still hurt, but
99 it didn't hurt this much, and even if I was a little scared by my
100 feelings when I was a kid, I wasn't terrified like I am now. Sakura-
101 chan... I'm... I'm so *scared*!"
102 Sakura could feel Tomoyo shuddering as the image drew her arms
103 across her chest, hugging her knees into herself. "Tomoyo-chan," she
104 whimpered. "Please don't be scared, Tomoyo-chan..."
105 "I'm sorry, Sakura-chan... It just hurts so *much* sometimes... I
106 can't take this anymore... Keeping it all a secret..." The image of
107 Tomoyo shook her head as she unfolded from herself. "I.. I just can't
108 keep it all inside of me anymore...!"
109 "So tell me already!" Sakura cried out to the recording, too
110 frustrated and curious to be embarrassed now.
111 "Sakura-chan..." Sakura leaned in eagerly to listen as Tomoyo
112 appeared to hesitate. "I..."
113 "...Yes??"
114 "Do you... remember... when we were children?"
115 Sakura blinked. "Uhmm.."
116 "I do. I remember it all like it was yesterday... I know, I know. It
117 sounds corny, doesn't it."
118 Sakura couldn't help but grin as she saw Tomoyo's mouth quirk up
119 into a tiny smile. "Actually, yes, it does."
120 "We were always such good friends... I'm not saying we're not still,
121 I'm just saying that... there was... I don't know. There was an
122 innocence to us back then, you know? And it's missing now. There's
123 just something *off* about us now, and it's my fault."
124 Sakura lost her smile. "Tomoyo-chan..."
125 "It... It would've been so much easier if we could've stayed
126 children forever, wouldn't it? I mean... Despite all we went through
127 with the Clow Cards and all... we still had some pretty good times,
128 didn't we? I'd make you those ridiculously cute little battle
129 costumes and video tape you wearing them... I miss that. You know, I
130 don't know if I could make things like that again if I tried... Back
131 then I could always just picture you wearing it to fight Clow Cards
132 and think about how cute it would be, and how much fun we would have,
133 and I could just *do* it, you know? But now.. Everything I make for
134 you just seems so... *lifeless*, somehow. It's still nice, but it's
135 never the same, never quite so much fun. Getting older just kinda
136 sucked all the fun out of everything, you see? Nothing's the same
137 anymore.. Everything I do now, I have to examine my motivations; I
138 have to think about it.. Oh, Sakura-chan, I wish we could be kids
139 again! I'd give anything to be able to feel the way I did then again.
140 I didn't have to think about why my heart was racing and whether it
141 was wrong to feel that way then; I could just *feel* it and *enjoy*
142 it. I could say things to you without having to think so much about
143 how you would take it, if you would understand... But as we got
144 older...."
145 There was a long moment of unbearable silence. Sakura's eyes stung
146 with tears as she waited for her friend to go on.
147 "Sakura-chan..." Tomoyo began again at last. "Sakura-chan... I..."
148 Tomoyo's sigh brushed almost palpably against Sakura's ears. "I love
149 you. I'm.... *in love* with you."
150 Sakura's world held still for a full three seconds.
151 "I know you couldn't possibly understand, but... That's why. That's
152 the reason for... for *everything*. I'm so sorry I never told you...
153 I just knew it was hopeless, and I didn't want to scare you away.. I
154 just couldn't bear the thought of telling you and having you not want
155 to be my friend anymore. You... You mean everything to me, Sakura.
156 You always have. And I'm sorry I was such a coward... I couldn't tell
157 you then, and I can't even tell you now... I just let technology do
158 the uncomfortable work for me," Tomoyo's voice proclaimed bitterly as
159 her image gestured at the screen. "I'm so weak, Sakura-chan... I wish
160 I could be strong for you. I wish I could be strong... But you'll
161 always be the stronger one."
162 Sakura fumbled blindly for her phone as Tomoyo's recording spoke on,
163 until at last her fingers collided with it and she picked it up from
164 where it lay on her bed. She punched Tomoyo's phone number into
165 without needing to look at the buttons. Drumming her fingers
166 impatiently against her thigh, she listened to it ring.
167 "...and I knew even then that things could never be the same once I
168 told you. I couldn't bring myself to find out whether the change
169 would be for better or worse, fearing so much that we would never be
170 friends again.... And I still can't. You see, Sakura-chan... There's
171 another reason why I'm giving you this tape.."
172 Sakura's fidgeting grew even more agitated.
173 "I probably would've held it all in until something ruptured inside
174 of me, really, if there weren't this other motivation for me to come
175 clean with you right now... I... I never told you this, but a while
176 ago I sent out an application to a college overseas...."
177 Sakura's drumming ceased. The phone continued to ring harshly in her
178 ear.
179 "...and I was accepted. The term starts soon... In fact, I've been
180 packing all day."
181 For the first time, Sakura noticed how empty Tomoyo's room appeared
182 behind her.
183 "My flight leaves tonight."
184 "No!" Sakura leapt to her feet in a state of panic. Still pressing
185 the phone to her ear, she grabbed the jacket that Tomoyo had made for
186 her last birthday off her floor and started pulling it on one-handed.
187 "I know this must be a shock to you... but you mustn't try to stop
188 me. There's nothing you can do about it anyway. By the time you'll
189 have reached this part of the tape, I should already be well on my
190 way."
191 Sakura stopped halfway to the door. "No..." she whispered.
192 "I'm sorry, Sakura-chan.. I'd've loved so much to hold you in my
193 arms just one last time before I left.." Sakura flopped back down
194 onto her bed, her entire body feeling numb. It was all too much for
195 her to take in at once. "I'm taking all my videotapes of you with me,
196 but I've left behind some copies in my room in case you want to go
197 back and look at them.. Maybe if you look at them now you'll begin to
198 see what I've been seeing all along... I'm also taking all your old
199 battle costumes; they're too small for you now, anyway. But I am
200 leaving your prom dress; after all, you may need it some time, and
201 you did look so beautiful in it.. Do you remember the prom, Sakura-
202 chan? I had so much fun dancing with you..."
203 Sakura groaned, sudden floods of memory washing over her. "Kami,"
204 she breathed. "Was I really that blind???"
205 "We ate so much cake that we almost made ourselves sick, and then
206 left early without our dates to take a walk in the park and watch an
207 old movie on television... It's funny: I can't even remember my
208 date's name; can you? He was a pretty nice guy, I think... I didn't
209 know him very well, and I guess I didn't pay him that much attention.
210 You were always the center of my own little universe... He could've
211 had fangs and a dog-tail and I wouldn't've noticed." Tomoyo's sad
212 chuckle was almost smothered by the recording that erupted in
213 Sakura's ear, politely informing her that the party did not answer,
214 as if she hadn't already noticed.
215 "Uuhng..." Sakura grunted and lowered her phone, snapping it off
216 reluctantly. "She's just gotta still be there... She *has* to be...!"
217 She folded her arms across her chest, her movement only slightly
218 impaired by the jacket still hanging off one arm. "Tomoyo-chan... You
219 can't leave me...! We have so much to talk about... You can't just
220 leave without even letting me discuss this all with you! There're
221 questions I want to ask you... things I want to say to you..."
222 "I... I put everything I have of you together earlier today... All
223 the costumes, and sketches, and videotapes... *Everything*. Notes
224 we'd passed each other in class.. Presents you'd given to me...
225 Photographs I'd taken of you... Even this.." Sakura glanced up
226 through a thin film of growing tears to see Tomoyo holding what
227 appeared to be a small glass vial containing something feathery and
228 somehow familiar. "Can you see this? It's a lock of your hair."
229 Sakura and Tomoyo's image blushed simultaneously. "I hope you don't
230 mind... I cut it off while you were sleeping over at my house one
231 night long ago... I wanted to always remember how soft your hair was,
232 and how sweet its scent...I've slept with it under my pillow for
233 years." Tomoyo's image eyed it sadly. "And then today I put it
234 together with all those other cherished possessions and mementos...
235 I... I wanted to make a bonfire of them."
236 Sakura blinked. "...Bonfire..???"
237 "I wanted to destroy everything that reminded me of you so I could
238 go away and start fresh.. I wanted to burn all bridges connecting me
239 to you so maybe in time I could learn to forget you... But I just
240 couldn't do it. I had the match lit in my hand, but I just couldn't
241 drop it.. It burned right down to my fingertips and still I couldn't
242 bring myself to let it drop." Sakura peered closer at the screen,
243 finally seeing Tomoyo's hurt fingertips. "It wasn't so bad, getting
244 burned... What really hurt was the shame. I felt like such a fool,
245 unable to rid myself of you, clinging to my pain... Then I thought
246 that maybe I could just leave it all behind, maybe even give it all
247 to you, but I guess I wasn't strong enough to do that, either.. The
248 thought was unbearable. I couldn't stand the idea of not having a
249 picture of you with me always to keep your face fresh in my mind...
250 The idea of your face ever fading from my memory...." A tear trickled
251 down Tomoyo's face. "I suppose, though, that it doesn't really matter
252 whether I burned it, or gave it away, or packed it up... I'd still be
253 taking you with me, inside my mind. I don't think I could let go of
254 you, no matter what. I would feel... empty. Hollow. I don't think I
255 could ever entirely be myself again without holding onto you in my
256 heart. I can't imagine life without you... But I can't... I just
257 can't stand it anymore!" A heart-breaking sob shuddered from her
258 trembling lips as her tears continued to fall. "I can't stand being
259 with you every day without really *being with you*. I can't stand the
260 horrible innocence of your every touch. I can't stand having you so
261 near to me without being able to call you my own. I... I can't..."
262 Tomoyo's words disappeared into wrenching sobs and shudders. As the
263 image of Tomoyo on her screen buried her face in her hands, Sakura's
264 tears began to fall as well.
265 "T-tomoyo-chan.." Sakura moaned. Each minute that passed was its own
266 small eternity as their tears streamed on without any apparent end.
267 "I... I'm sorry, Sakura-chan," Tomoyo at last managed to gasp out
268 from behind her hands. "I have.. no right... to put you through my
269 pain."
270 "Tomoyo-chaaan..." Sakura sobbed at the screen, frustrated and
271 confused.
272 "I never wanted you to see me cry... You've always been such a sweet
273 girl, Sakura-chan. I didn't want to put you through any of this.. But
274 I guess it was inevitable, wasn't it. One can only hold so much in
275 for so long before it explodes all over everything.. Oh, Sakura-chan,
276 I've made a real mess of things, haven't I? I wish I knew some way to
277 set things right again... But you have to know. It wouldn't have been
278 fair for me not to say anything... never to tell you... Maybe I'm
279 just being selfish. Or maybe I'm just trying to keep my promise..
280 Didn't I say that I'd tell you when you were older? I seem to
281 remember that... I don't know. I'm confused... Another reason why I
282 have to go away. I need some distance... some time apart from you so
283 I can think, clear my head a little.. Or maybe I'm just trying to
284 justify my actions. Maybe the sad truth is really just that I'm a
285 damnable coward and I'm running away yet again from finding out how
286 you'll react..."
287 Sakura wiped at her eyes as she watched Tomoyo's shoulders slump
288 pathetically. She picked up the phone again and dialed Tomoyo's cell
289 phone number with equal parts hopelessness and determination. "C'mon,
290 Tomoyo-chan, you've *got* to pick up the phone... *Please*, don't
291 shut me out...."
292 "That's why...." Tomoyo's image licked her lips slowly, nervously.
293 "That's why I'm not telling you where I'm going. Whether I'm running
294 away or just need some time alone or whatever... I don't feel like I
295 can handle you knowing where I'm going right now. It's just... so
296 much *easier* to fade away... You probably won't even notice I'm
297 gone, after a while, as long as I stay out of touch... You'd probably
298 be strong enough to make that bonfire, wouldn't you? Maybe... Maybe
299 I'll let you be rid of me even if I can't be rid of you... At least
300 one of us will be spared, right?"
301 "Tomoyo-chan!" Sakura's voice finally broke out of its paralysis.
302 "How... How can you even *think* these things!?" She shook her head
303 in utter disbelief, then dropped to her knees before the television
304 and pressed her palm against the screen. "Tomoyo-chan, come back to
305 me... Oh, please, oh, please, come back to me...."
306 "Can you promise me just one thing, though?"
307 Sakura thumped her palm against the screen. "Come *back* to me!!"
308 "If you must remember me... please... *try* to remember me as I used
309 to be. I don't want to be remembered like this... Please... remember
310 me with a smile on my face. Remember me from those innocent times,
311 when we could walk hand in hand through the park and I could just let
312 my heart soar, unable to imagine ever being happier or more content.
313 Remember the costumes, and the laughter, and all those sweet little
314 things that meant so much... I can remember. I remember giggling over
315 our secret jokes, and you combing my hair, and how wonderful the
316 world always seemed when you were there..... I just wish I could
317 remember that and forget all the rest. I don't want to remember the
318 sleepless nights, tossing and turning, delighting in the agony of
319 having you by my side. And I don't want to remember how many times I
320 had to bite my tongue, holding back for fear of losing you..."
321 Sakura clutched desperately at the screen, pressing her phone
322 painfully to her ear.
323 After a long pause, Tomoyo finally appeared to regain her speech.
324 "Well... I... I'd better stop now. The tape should be almost over by
325 now, I think, and I'll have to hurry to the airport..." Sakura's hand
326 dropped limply to her side. "I... I wish things could've been better
327 for you, Sakura-chan. I know I've probably said and done some pretty
328 stupid, hurtful things over the years we've been friends, especially
329 tonight, and I hope you'll be able to find it in your heart to
330 forgive me... You're such a wonderful person, Sakura-chan. I wish you
331 luck in everything you ever do... Good-bye, Sakura-chan. You'll
332 always be the best friend I've ever had, no matter what... I love
333 you... I love you so much..." Sakura choked on a sob as Tomoyo's sad-
334 eyed image reached forward and in a moment was shot into a sea of
335 static.
336 "Damn it..." Sakura stared through blurred eyes as shortly the
337 screen flashed blue and the VCR jumped into action once more,
338 stopping and rewinding the tape. She could only hear the telephone
339 still ringing in her ear in the most distant of ways, too numbed by
340 shock and pain to hear it as any more than a fading echo in a tomb.
341 Catching and reflecting the blue light of the television screen, a
342 lone tear glistened on her cheek, frozen prematurely, its path left
343 unfinished and its future uncertain.
346 ---------------------------------------------------------------------
347 -----------
352 (Legal Disclaimer: I do not claim to own any of the characters in
353 this fanfic; I'm just borrowing them from CLAMP and whoever else
354 holds the rights.)
356 (Sequel to Author's Note: If you want to put this fic on your
357 website, are wondering why the hell someone would write a fic for a
358 story she knows so little of, or just want someone to talk about
359 anime lesbians with, please email me at either
360 womanprince@hotmail.com or poorjuri@hotmail.com. Thank you ^-^)