Mercurial > moonlitnights

     1 Tearful Nights

     2 by rphjas

     3 rphjas@yahoo.com

     4 

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     6 

     7 With wet lavender eyes, I look upon sparkling stars. Do I pray to a

     8 higher power? Do I whisper my fears and dilemmas to the night? I love

     9 her, and she loves me. But, my love is more mature than I am and also

    10 much more than hers. If I had the courage, I would one day tell

    11 her..in Penguin Park. I would whisper the three simple words. But,

    12 would she understand? Would she see through all of my masks and

    13 disguises? 

    14 

    15 I sew every costume with stitches of pure love. I sing my songs to

    16 her with all of my heart. Does she feel the fabrics I weave..clinging

    17 to her slender form? Do her ears hear my songs of longing? I am

    18 afraid...afraid of rejection. Is it not better to be a friend than a

    19 stranger? Is it better to be in her world even a little than all

    20 alone? If I knew the future, I would know what to do. I would know

    21 the risk is worthwhile. But, I am still unsure. I have no confidence. 

    22 

    23 Would she think me perverted..loving her like I do? Would she run

    24 away in revulsion? Would she? Why is my heart so torn? I see her each

    25 day in school. She lets me film her every day. I spend all my free

    26 time with her or doing things for her. I watch her videos again and

    27 again until I memorize each phrase and line of her figure. Her face

    28 leads me into the sleepiness of dreams. I hug my pillows..as if they

    29 were her. 

    30 

    31 This starry night .. I wonder .. is she thinking about me? Is she

    32 dreaming of me? Do her cards quietly reveal my intentions..my

    33 feelings? I wonder if she will ever be..ever be able to love me. I

    34 would..I would give her my life..to save her own. But, how many times

    35 has she risked her own for my sake? The number is too high. Would it

    36 be better if I vanished..faded from her world? Each night, I am torn

    37 and wake up weary wrestling these questions. The uncertainty of the

    38 future is weighing me down. But, I manage to put on my cheerful mask

    39 each morning before I see her. She does not know. She can never know

    40 my nightly bouts.. 

    41 

    42 One sleepover, she let me brush her hair..even hug her long and

    43 close. Surprisingly, she let me kiss her because she wondered why it

    44 was such a big fuss with the older students. Her energy pulsed

    45 through to my core. Her sweet taste lingered on my lips the entire

    46 night! Oh, I was so very happy. Even now, I can remember her soft

    47 full lips..the silk of her hair..the firm athletic body. Like some

    48 drug, I crave more. But so far, only that one night was so very

    49 special. I could not tape it. But, the memories are burned into me

    50 forever. 

    51 

    52 Will hope be my lifeline..in the stormy seas of life? Will it help

    53 me persevere until she someday loves me..?