1.1 --- /dev/null	Thu Jan 01 00:00:00 1970 +0000
     1.2 +++ b/old/stories/ccs-nakunaku.txt	Fri Feb 19 20:53:12 2010 -0500
     1.3 @@ -0,0 +1,250 @@
     1.4 +_Ureshisou ni Shinagara, Naka Nakunaku_
     1.5 +
     1.6 +Author: Catsy (nekojita@ayashi.net)
     1.7 +Content: songfic, shoujo-ai, angst
     1.8 +Song: Vector
     1.9 +Artist: Sakamoto Maaya
    1.10 +
    1.11 +--
    1.12 +
    1.13 +Hands as delicate and pale as the fabric they held worked at the needle,
    1.14 +embroidering that which simply could not be entrusted to the sewing
    1.15 +machine. Tomoyo's lips pursed in concentration, the tip of her tongue
    1.16 +protruding just slightly as she worked the stitch over and under. Over and
    1.17 +under. It was painstaking, laborious work, work which could easily fetch
    1.18 +yen in the six-digit range, if she chose to sell it.
    1.19 +
    1.20 +She would not be selling it. It was for Sakura.
    1.21 +
    1.22 +Tomoyo tried to remember exactly when it was that she realized she loved
    1.23 +Sakura. There had to have been a point when it progressed from best
    1.24 +friends, to childhood infatuation, to real romance. Or was it imperceptibly
    1.25 +gradual, the way leaves shift to calico colors in the fall? All Tomoyo knew
    1.26 +was that it simply /was/. That was good enough; had to be good enough.
    1.27 +
    1.28 +But it wasn't.
    1.29 +
    1.30 +        Told myself for a long time
    1.31 +        Don't go there
    1.32 +        You will only be sorry
    1.33 +
    1.34 +Eriol had politely suggested to her at one point that she and Sakura--and
    1.35 +for that matter, many romantic relationships between women--suffered from
    1.36 +the regrettable Japanese notion that women weren't permitted to make the
    1.37 +first move. That if one or the other of them didn't break free of that and
    1.38 +do /something/, they weren't ever likely to. Of course, when Eriol
    1.39 +suggested something it was never /im/polite, and Tomoyo recognized on one
    1.40 +level that he was right. It made her wonder why he'd say such a thing,
    1.41 +since it was clear that Eriol approved of Sakura and Syaoran as a couple.
    1.42 +
    1.43 +        Told myself so many times
    1.44 +        I just had to take a look
    1.45 +        in those faraway eyes
    1.46 +
    1.47 +Of course, he was both right and wrong at the same time. The psychological
    1.48 +explanation made sense on the surface, but how could she explain to him her
    1.49 +own reasons for remaining silent?
    1.50 +
    1.51 +Sakura's friendship was precious to her. From elementary school to middle
    1.52 +school, to high school and beyond, Sakura's happiness sustained Tomoyo like
    1.53 +lifeblood itself. She had but to walk into the room, and everyone
    1.54 +immediately knew it--the temperature rose by a degree, moods lightened, and
    1.55 +the room seemed somehow brighter for her presence. 
    1.56 +
    1.57 +It wasn't that she didn't /want/ to be with Sakura. Nothing would make her
    1.58 +happier than if she and Sakura could have a life together, bringing each
    1.59 +other that fulfillment that only deep, bonding romance could.
    1.60 +
    1.61 +        In them I saw a longing
    1.62 +        for something
    1.63 +        Maybe I couldn't give you
    1.64 +
    1.65 +But if she tried, and failed, what would be the cost? Was it worth the
    1.66 +risk of harming her friendship with Sakura, for the sake of what she might
    1.67 +never be able to have?
    1.68 +
    1.69 +        Said it's all in my mind
    1.70 +        "It ain't nothing"
    1.71 +
    1.72 +Would it be worth risking everything, if all she got was a few stolen
    1.73 +kisses, and something to giggle nervously about together when they were
    1.74 +older? Was it worth the risk of hurting Sakura, or taking her away from
    1.75 +what made her happy, to tell her how she felt just once?
    1.76 +
    1.77 +        Don't say that
    1.78 +        Don't say that
    1.79 +        Darling no
    1.80 +        Don't say anything at all
    1.81 +
    1.82 +Tomoyo decided, as she had so many times before, that the answer was no.
    1.83 +What she hadn't told Eriol, what she'd seen no reason to point out, is that
    1.84 +Sakura probably knew anyway. She was naive and dense, but a remarkably good
    1.85 +judge of character. Tomoyo found it impossible to believe, given how long
    1.86 +they'd known each other, that Sakura could /not/ know how Tomoyo felt.
    1.87 +
    1.88 +
    1.89 +        Because I've seen it now
    1.90 +        Can't pretend anymore
    1.91 +        "It ain't nothing"
    1.92 +
    1.93 +The only explanation, the only sensible one, was that Sakura /did/
    1.94 +know--and didn't feel the same way. And that rather than hurt Tomoyo's
    1.95 +feelings, she simply didn't speak of it. That was fine--because even that
    1.96 +painful truth made Tomoyo happy. It meant that Sakura cared enough about
    1.97 +her feelings to spare them, and Tomoyo was willing to accept that.
    1.98 +
    1.99 +But it wasn't the same as telling her. It wasn't the same as taking
   1.100 +Sakura's hand in hers, bringing it to her lips, whispering /aishiteimasu/,
   1.101 +and watching Sakura's eyes light up with joy. It wasn't the same as walking
   1.102 +together hand in hand and knowing that everyone else knew who and what they
   1.103 +were, or holding each other in their arms after making love.
   1.104 +
   1.105 +                Do you know what I mean?
   1.106 +                And have you seen it too?
   1.107 +                Do you know what I mean?
   1.108 +                Do you know?
   1.109 +                And I'll do anything
   1.110 +                Just tell me what it means
   1.111 +                Cause I can't live in doubt anymore
   1.112 +
   1.113 +Tomoyo's hands gripped the fabric of the dress tightly, her knuckles
   1.114 +whitening. She squeezed her eyes shut to banish to image that leapt
   1.115 +unbidden into her mind, but it did no good--it merely succeeded in
   1.116 +squeezing a single tear out of eyes that she'd thought were dry. She jerked
   1.117 +back as she felt the wetness, let it roll down her cheek rather than fall
   1.118 +on the outfit she was working on. She would not cry--Sakura was in the next
   1.119 +room, spending the night. She would not allow Sakura to see her like this.
   1.120 +
   1.121 +        Do we try or should we
   1.122 +        just say goodbye
   1.123 +
   1.124 +Her mother had figured it out early on. She blessed it, of course, but was
   1.125 +of the opinion that Tomoyo should either fish or cut bait--that if she
   1.126 +wasn't going to tell Sakura, that she'd be better off leaving her to go her
   1.127 +own way after high school. Tomoyo knew she meant well, knew that her mother
   1.128 +only wanted to spare her the pain she'd gone through when Nadeshiko had
   1.129 +married Fujitaka.
   1.130 +
   1.131 +        If you'd rather be somewhere
   1.132 +        that's not here
   1.133 +        then you just gotta tell me
   1.134 +        Cause there's so much more to life
   1.135 +        than pretending
   1.136 +
   1.137 +In truth, she'd half-expected Sakura to be the one to break off the
   1.138 +friendship. Not maliciously, because Sakura would never do anything
   1.139 +malicious to hurt someone, least of all a friend--but on any one of the
   1.140 +numerous occasions when Tomoyo had been a little /too/ enthusiastic with
   1.141 +her professions of how wonderful Sakura was, in front of her. When they
   1.142 +were younger, it had occasionally discomfited Sakura, which Tomoyo was
   1.143 +grateful for--Sakura was so open about things like that, it let her know
   1.144 +when she'd crossed the line. But as they'd grown up, throughough junior
   1.145 +high and high school, Sakura had gradually ceased being put off by Tomoyo's
   1.146 +displays. Was it that it didn't bother her anymore, or was she just getting
   1.147 +better at keeping it inside?
   1.148 +
   1.149 +        Don't you know
   1.150 +        Don't you know
   1.151 +        Darling for you
   1.152 +        I'd do anything at all
   1.153 +
   1.154 +Sakura had only to say it, and Tomoyo would do it. If Sakura had ever told
   1.155 +her, "Tomoyo, this bothers me," Tomoyo would stop. If Sakura had ever asked
   1.156 +her for anything, Tomoyo would give it to her if it were in her power. And
   1.157 +if Sakura had ever asked Tomoyo to be hers, to any extent or in any
   1.158 +capacity, it would be so before the words had time to pass her lips.
   1.159 +Anything.
   1.160 +
   1.161 +        I wanna be with you
   1.162 +        but that look in your eyes
   1.163 +        tells me something
   1.164 +
   1.165 +Tomoyo would do anything for Sakura's happiness... including giving up on
   1.166 +her own.
   1.167 +
   1.168 +                Do you know what I mean?
   1.169 +                And have you seen it too?
   1.170 +                Do you know what I mean?
   1.171 +                Do you know?
   1.172 +                And I'll do anything
   1.173 +                Just tell me what it means
   1.174 +                Cause I can't live in doubt anymore
   1.175 +
   1.176 +But it wasn't really giving up her own happiness, was it? If Sakura was
   1.177 +happy, that made Tomoyo happy. She was the very embodiment of the word
   1.178 +/setsunasa/--that simultanaeity of bittersweet happiness, the thing which
   1.179 +was a source of both sweet yearning and pain. It was embroidered into her
   1.180 +being as inextricably as the lace she set about assiduously sewing to the
   1.181 +cuffs of the dress.
   1.182 +
   1.183 +
   1.184 +        I wanna know
   1.185 +        can you tell me
   1.186 +        I wanna know
   1.187 +        will you tell me
   1.188 +        is it hello
   1.189 +        is it good-bye
   1.190 +
   1.191 +At last, she was done. Tomoyo held up her handiwork and inspected it
   1.192 +critically. No, a seam on the collar was misaligned; it would need to be
   1.193 +redone. Fortunately, it was just a matter of ripping out the stitches and
   1.194 +running that part through the sewing machine again. Tomoyo did so, letting
   1.195 +the mindless automation of the work drive thought from her mind and dry her
   1.196 +eyes.
   1.197 +
   1.198 +
   1.199 +She was grateful for the dry eyes a few minutes later, as Sakura knocked
   1.200 +once and opened the door without waiting for a response.
   1.201 +
   1.202 +"Sakura!" Tomoyo exclaimed. "Wait just a minute, it's /almost/ done..."
   1.203 +
   1.204 +        I gotta know
   1.205 +        won't you tell me
   1.206 +        I gotta know
   1.207 +        you can tell me
   1.208 +        is it hello
   1.209 +        or just good-bye
   1.210 +
   1.211 +"I'm sorry," Sakura said sheepishly. "I know you don't like to be
   1.212 +disturbed when you're working..."
   1.213 +
   1.214 +Tomoyo shook her head firmly, as if the very notion that Sakura could
   1.215 +disturb her was absurd. "No, no, it's just that I wanted you to see it when
   1.216 +it was finished... I'm afraid it's not my best work," she added with a
   1.217 +pensive glance at the uneven stitching. "I'll need to tailor it a bit, of
   1.218 +course."
   1.219 +
   1.220 +        I gotta know
   1.221 +        can you tell me
   1.222 +        I gotta know
   1.223 +        will you tell me
   1.224 +        is it hello
   1.225 +        is it good-bye
   1.226 +
   1.227 +This didn't seem to matter one bit to Sakura, who stared at Tomoyo's
   1.228 +latest creation with open-mouthed wonder. She rushed forward and felt at
   1.229 +the silken texture, rubbed the lace between her fingers. "I don't believe
   1.230 +you for a minute," she said insistently, her eyes fairly sparkling. "It's
   1.231 +/wonderful/."
   1.232 +
   1.233 +        I gotta know
   1.234 +        won't you tell me
   1.235 +        I gotta know
   1.236 +        you can tell me
   1.237 +        is it hello...
   1.238 +
   1.239 +Sakura set the dress aside and hugged Tomoyo tightly. "Thank you, thank
   1.240 +you, thank you!" She drew back and kissed Tomoyo on the cheek, taking her
   1.241 +hands in hers. Tomoyo drank in the touch as if it were life itself, and
   1.242 +committed the kiss to memory for all time. If Sakura never kissed her
   1.243 +again, nor held her hands like this, Tomoyo would still feel complete,
   1.244 +having known this moment. "Oh Tomoyo, what would I do without you? It's the
   1.245 +most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
   1.246 +
   1.247 +        Or just good-bye...
   1.248 +
   1.249 +Tomoyo smiled back at her friend. A thousand words passed through her
   1.250 +mind, in every way she knew how to say them. /Daisuki desu. Aishiteimasu.
   1.251 +Je t'aime. I love you./ Instead, however, she gazed at the dress, and
   1.252 +smoothed wrinkles out of the white fabric. "That's good, because you'll be
   1.253 +the most beautiful bride in the world."