_Ureshisou ni Shinagara, Naka Nakunaku_

 

 Author: Catsy (nekojita@ayashi.net)

 Content: songfic, shoujo-ai, angst

 Song: Vector

 Artist: Sakamoto Maaya

 

 --

 

 Hands as delicate and pale as the fabric they held worked at the needle,

 embroidering that which simply could not be entrusted to the sewing

 machine. Tomoyo's lips pursed in concentration, the tip of her tongue

 protruding just slightly as she worked the stitch over and under. Over and

 under. It was painstaking, laborious work, work which could easily fetch

 yen in the six-digit range, if she chose to sell it.

 

 She would not be selling it. It was for Sakura.

 

 Tomoyo tried to remember exactly when it was that she realized she loved

 Sakura. There had to have been a point when it progressed from best

 friends, to childhood infatuation, to real romance. Or was it imperceptibly

 gradual, the way leaves shift to calico colors in the fall? All Tomoyo knew

 was that it simply /was/. That was good enough; had to be good enough.

 

 But it wasn't.

 

         Told myself for a long time

         Don't go there

         You will only be sorry

 

 Eriol had politely suggested to her at one point that she and Sakura--and

 for that matter, many romantic relationships between women--suffered from

 the regrettable Japanese notion that women weren't permitted to make the

 first move. That if one or the other of them didn't break free of that and

 do /something/, they weren't ever likely to. Of course, when Eriol

 suggested something it was never /im/polite, and Tomoyo recognized on one

 level that he was right. It made her wonder why he'd say such a thing,

 since it was clear that Eriol approved of Sakura and Syaoran as a couple.

 

         Told myself so many times

         I just had to take a look

         in those faraway eyes

 

 Of course, he was both right and wrong at the same time. The psychological

 explanation made sense on the surface, but how could she explain to him her

 own reasons for remaining silent?

 

 Sakura's friendship was precious to her. From elementary school to middle

 school, to high school and beyond, Sakura's happiness sustained Tomoyo like

 lifeblood itself. She had but to walk into the room, and everyone

 immediately knew it--the temperature rose by a degree, moods lightened, and

 the room seemed somehow brighter for her presence. 

 

 It wasn't that she didn't /want/ to be with Sakura. Nothing would make her

 happier than if she and Sakura could have a life together, bringing each

 other that fulfillment that only deep, bonding romance could.

 

         In them I saw a longing

         for something

         Maybe I couldn't give you

 

 But if she tried, and failed, what would be the cost? Was it worth the

 risk of harming her friendship with Sakura, for the sake of what she might

 never be able to have?

 

         Said it's all in my mind

         "It ain't nothing"

 

 Would it be worth risking everything, if all she got was a few stolen

 kisses, and something to giggle nervously about together when they were

 older? Was it worth the risk of hurting Sakura, or taking her away from

 what made her happy, to tell her how she felt just once?

 

         Don't say that

         Don't say that

         Darling no

         Don't say anything at all

 

 Tomoyo decided, as she had so many times before, that the answer was no.

 What she hadn't told Eriol, what she'd seen no reason to point out, is that

 Sakura probably knew anyway. She was naive and dense, but a remarkably good

 judge of character. Tomoyo found it impossible to believe, given how long

 they'd known each other, that Sakura could /not/ know how Tomoyo felt.

 

 

         Because I've seen it now

         Can't pretend anymore

         "It ain't nothing"

 

 The only explanation, the only sensible one, was that Sakura /did/

 know--and didn't feel the same way. And that rather than hurt Tomoyo's

 feelings, she simply didn't speak of it. That was fine--because even that

 painful truth made Tomoyo happy. It meant that Sakura cared enough about

 her feelings to spare them, and Tomoyo was willing to accept that.

 

 But it wasn't the same as telling her. It wasn't the same as taking

 Sakura's hand in hers, bringing it to her lips, whispering /aishiteimasu/,

 and watching Sakura's eyes light up with joy. It wasn't the same as walking

 together hand in hand and knowing that everyone else knew who and what they

 were, or holding each other in their arms after making love.

 

                 Do you know what I mean?

                 And have you seen it too?

                 Do you know what I mean?

                 Do you know?

                 And I'll do anything

                 Just tell me what it means

                 Cause I can't live in doubt anymore

 

 Tomoyo's hands gripped the fabric of the dress tightly, her knuckles

 whitening. She squeezed her eyes shut to banish to image that leapt

 unbidden into her mind, but it did no good--it merely succeeded in

 squeezing a single tear out of eyes that she'd thought were dry. She jerked

 back as she felt the wetness, let it roll down her cheek rather than fall

 on the outfit she was working on. She would not cry--Sakura was in the next

 room, spending the night. She would not allow Sakura to see her like this.

 

         Do we try or should we

         just say goodbye

 

 Her mother had figured it out early on. She blessed it, of course, but was

 of the opinion that Tomoyo should either fish or cut bait--that if she

 wasn't going to tell Sakura, that she'd be better off leaving her to go her

 own way after high school. Tomoyo knew she meant well, knew that her mother

 only wanted to spare her the pain she'd gone through when Nadeshiko had

 married Fujitaka.

 

         If you'd rather be somewhere

         that's not here

         then you just gotta tell me

         Cause there's so much more to life

         than pretending

 

 In truth, she'd half-expected Sakura to be the one to break off the

 friendship. Not maliciously, because Sakura would never do anything

 malicious to hurt someone, least of all a friend--but on any one of the

 numerous occasions when Tomoyo had been a little /too/ enthusiastic with

 her professions of how wonderful Sakura was, in front of her. When they

 were younger, it had occasionally discomfited Sakura, which Tomoyo was

 grateful for--Sakura was so open about things like that, it let her know

 when she'd crossed the line. But as they'd grown up, throughough junior

 high and high school, Sakura had gradually ceased being put off by Tomoyo's

 displays. Was it that it didn't bother her anymore, or was she just getting

 better at keeping it inside?

 

         Don't you know

         Don't you know

         Darling for you

         I'd do anything at all

 

 Sakura had only to say it, and Tomoyo would do it. If Sakura had ever told

 her, "Tomoyo, this bothers me," Tomoyo would stop. If Sakura had ever asked

 her for anything, Tomoyo would give it to her if it were in her power. And

 if Sakura had ever asked Tomoyo to be hers, to any extent or in any

 capacity, it would be so before the words had time to pass her lips.

 Anything.

 

         I wanna be with you

         but that look in your eyes

         tells me something

 

 Tomoyo would do anything for Sakura's happiness... including giving up on

 her own.

 

                 Do you know what I mean?

                 And have you seen it too?

                 Do you know what I mean?

                 Do you know?

                 And I'll do anything

                 Just tell me what it means

                 Cause I can't live in doubt anymore

 

 But it wasn't really giving up her own happiness, was it? If Sakura was

 happy, that made Tomoyo happy. She was the very embodiment of the word

 /setsunasa/--that simultanaeity of bittersweet happiness, the thing which

 was a source of both sweet yearning and pain. It was embroidered into her

 being as inextricably as the lace she set about assiduously sewing to the

 cuffs of the dress.

 

 

         I wanna know

         can you tell me

         I wanna know

         will you tell me

         is it hello

         is it good-bye

 

 At last, she was done. Tomoyo held up her handiwork and inspected it

 critically. No, a seam on the collar was misaligned; it would need to be

 redone. Fortunately, it was just a matter of ripping out the stitches and

 running that part through the sewing machine again. Tomoyo did so, letting

 the mindless automation of the work drive thought from her mind and dry her

 eyes.

 

 

 She was grateful for the dry eyes a few minutes later, as Sakura knocked

 once and opened the door without waiting for a response.

 

 "Sakura!" Tomoyo exclaimed. "Wait just a minute, it's /almost/ done..."

 

         I gotta know

         won't you tell me

         I gotta know

         you can tell me

         is it hello

         or just good-bye

 

 "I'm sorry," Sakura said sheepishly. "I know you don't like to be

 disturbed when you're working..."

 

 Tomoyo shook her head firmly, as if the very notion that Sakura could

 disturb her was absurd. "No, no, it's just that I wanted you to see it when

 it was finished... I'm afraid it's not my best work," she added with a

 pensive glance at the uneven stitching. "I'll need to tailor it a bit, of

 course."

 

         I gotta know

         can you tell me

         I gotta know

         will you tell me

         is it hello

         is it good-bye

 

 This didn't seem to matter one bit to Sakura, who stared at Tomoyo's

 latest creation with open-mouthed wonder. She rushed forward and felt at

 the silken texture, rubbed the lace between her fingers. "I don't believe

 you for a minute," she said insistently, her eyes fairly sparkling. "It's

 /wonderful/."

 

         I gotta know

         won't you tell me

         I gotta know

         you can tell me

         is it hello...

 

 Sakura set the dress aside and hugged Tomoyo tightly. "Thank you, thank

 you, thank you!" She drew back and kissed Tomoyo on the cheek, taking her

 hands in hers. Tomoyo drank in the touch as if it were life itself, and

 committed the kiss to memory for all time. If Sakura never kissed her

 again, nor held her hands like this, Tomoyo would still feel complete,

 having known this moment. "Oh Tomoyo, what would I do without you? It's the

 most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

 

         Or just good-bye...

 

 Tomoyo smiled back at her friend. A thousand words passed through her

 mind, in every way she knew how to say them. /Daisuki desu. Aishiteimasu.

 Je t'aime. I love you./ Instead, however, she gazed at the dress, and

 smoothed wrinkles out of the white fabric. "That's good, because you'll be

 the most beautiful bride in the world."