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[svn r3] moved all the bad stuff to 'old'
author rlm
date Fri, 19 Feb 2010 20:53:12 -0500
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1 Kiss Your Tears Away
2 by Amazoness Duo
3 amazonessduo@hotmail.com
4
5 “You wanted to see me, Syaoran?” I ask, letting the door fall shut
6 behind me. The afternoon sun hangs lazily in the air above, a
7 wonderful backdrop to the Chinese boy. He’s leaning against the chain
8 link fence that surrounds the school roof. I smile at him. As usual,
9 it’s kind of hard for me to tell what he’s feeling or what he’s
10 thinking. But that’s okay. I have a hard enough time knowing how I’m
11 feeling half the time.
12
13 I walk over to him, my hands held behind my back. My heart flutters
14 nervously in my chest. I try to pay attention to every little
15 movement I make. For being as athletic as I am, I’m still clumsier
16 than anyone else I know. It always happens when I’m distracted. Which
17 I definitely am right now. Syaoran returned from China a few weeks
18 ago. I still don’t know where that leaves us. I’ve been too shy to
19 ask him what we are now, if he’ll be my boyfriend, or any of it. I
20 blush as these thoughts swirl around my head like my Sakura Cards.
21 Can he tell I’m blushing? Does he know what I’m thinking? Is this it?
22 Will he finally tell me how he feels? In a way, I’ve been waiting for
23 years for this moment. Ever since he left. And now that it’s here, I
24 feel faint, anxious. I hold my heart, trying to keep the beating in.
25
26 He pushes off of the fence, taking a step forward. He’s looking
27 forward at the doorway I came through. He was always shy. I guess he
28 still hasn’t gotten over that. He can’t even look at me. But then,
29 who am I to talk? I’ve always been really shy myself. Half the time I
30 need Tomoyo-chan to push me forward enough to do anything
31 embarrassing. Which makes this so nerve wracking with the both of us.
32 Neither of us knows what to say, what to do.
33
34 “I’m going back to China,” Syaoran finally says, his hands in his
35 pockets. He says it like it’s not a big thing. Like it’s just one of
36 those things that happen. Something simple like the weather. Not
37 important in the least.
38
39 I can only stare at his back, my hands balled up against myself. I’m
40 terrified at his words. Back? He’s going back? But he can’t go back.
41 He just got here! I waited the past few years to see him again and
42 now he’s leaving? Don’t I get some sort of explanation? Something?
43 Please? Tears burn in my eyes. My mouth opens and closes, nothing but
44 an injured whimper coming out. I shake my head. My heart races. I
45 feel like if I don’t say something now, I’ll never have the chance
46 again. Like he’ll disappear before I even have a chance to say
47 anything.
48
49 He takes another step forward, towards the door. He’s not good at
50 these things either. He was never good at his emotions. But now I
51 can’t tell what he’s feeling at all. Is he leaving on his own? Is his
52 mother forcing him? Will he come back to me? Will I be left waiting
53 again?
54
55 “Why?” I ask at last, my voice wavering. I can’t even see him
56 clearly anymore. He’s just a watery outline. I blink and blink and
57 blink, but the tears won’t go away. My mind races back to when he had
58 told me that he liked me for the first time. To when he had to go
59 back home to China. To the teddy bear I gave him so that he’d
60 remember me. Does he still have it? I ask myself, my mind jumping
61 about randomly. I’m spiraling. Please, someone catch me. I’ve lost my
62 footing and I’m tumbling. The world’s spinning around me and I’m too
63 scared to open my eyes.
64
65 “I came back to tell you that I’m engaged. I’ll be marrying Meiling
66 in a few years,” he states after a moment. His voice is it’s usual
67 harsh self. As if he can handle anger and frustration better than
68 anything else. To keep it all away.
69
70 Engaged? My eyes shoot open, though I still can’t see anything but
71 colors and shapes bleeding together through my tears. The word hits
72 me like a rock thrown through a window. Cracked and splintered, the
73 pieces of my heart crumble to the floor around my feet. He came back
74 to tell me he was engaged? All this week I’ve been blushing and
75 waiting for him to ask me out, to be with him, and he’s already
76 engaged?
77
78 I’m an idiot. How could I be so dense? Whatever had been between us
79 was gone. I should have seen it. But I can be so dense. I just kept
80 thinking that after all of this time, he’d have come back to me. Like
81 a fairy tale. But he can’t be my prince. He’s been trying to tell me
82 this whole time. All of those awkward pauses when I’d talk to him,
83 all of the times when he wouldn’t return my gaze. And I hadn’t
84 suspected in the least. Tears spill down my cheeks, dripping down my
85 chin.
86
87 I smile shakily, tears still streaming down my face. “Tell
88 Meiling... that I’m very happy for her...” Why do I feel like Tomoyo
89 right now? I see her smiling brightly in my mind, my image
90 superimposed over hers. Whatever the reason, I try to give him my
91 blessing, whether or not he’ll accept it. Why not? What else can I
92 do? If he loves her, then there’s nothing I can do about it. You
93 can’t make someone love you.
94
95 Syaoran nods once, swallowing. He pauses for a moment, as if
96 contemplating something. After a second that stretches on into the
97 distance, he walks to the door. I don’t even see him leave. My eyes
98 are shut too tightly. I hear the door slam and it wedges splinters
99 into my heart. There goes my chance. Everything I wanted to say to
100 him, everything I should have said to him, I’ve lost my chance. He’s
101 gone. I want for all the world to reach out and stop him, but I know
102 I can’t. It’s funny. I’m the world’s most powerful mage and yet right
103 now I feel so incredibly weak and fragile. A weak breeze could
104 shatter me and scatter me about into the wind.
105
106 I collapse against the fence, sobbing bitterly. I want to wrench my
107 heart out, to hold out the torn up object as far away from me as I
108 can. Anything to stop this sick, sinking feeling that pulls me
109 further and further down. I just want it to stop. How could this have
110 happened? Ever since he left, I had been waiting for the day we would
111 be together again, for when he would return to me. But it wasn’t
112 supposed to be like this! It was never supposed to be like this.
113
114 My face convulses in the hideous image of crying. I feel ashamed
115 each time my face does that, each time my lips curl and my eyes
116 squeeze shut. And that makes me cry harder. ‘Crying never solves
117 anything,’ I hear him say. He had always said that when I’d wind up
118 crying. He tried to make me look for a solution. To do something
119 rather than cry over it. But there’s no solution right now. And I’m
120 too tired to look, my weary soul wanting to retreat and cover its
121 wounds. I can only cry.
122
123 Turning against the fence, clinging to it for support, I see him
124 walking away from school. She’s waiting for him, near a limousine.
125 His bride to be. The girl he loves. Everything I thought I wanted to
126 be. And now never would. I watch through a blurry haze of tears as he
127 kisses her.
128
129 My heart rolls about like a boat caught in a tsunami. One of my
130 hands rests on my chest as if I’m trying to hold my heart in, so it
131 won’t fall out and shatter on the floor. But even if it did fall out,
132 even if it shattered into a million tiny pieces, I know she would
133 gently pick up every tiny fragment and piece it all back together. No
134 matter how long it took. No matter how bloody her fingers would get
135 from picking up the countless jagged shards. And she would do it all
136 with that same loving smile she always gives me. The same warm smile
137 she’s giving me right now, that motherly, unconditionally loving
138 smile that soothes my soul the same way that my mother’s fingers
139 through my hair used to when I was a child. “I thought he liked me,”
140 I whisper tearfully, my voice breaking. I didn’t even see her get
141 here. Didn’t hear her footsteps. Yet here she is. My guardian angel.
142
143 Tomoyo reaches out, taking my hand gently in her own. Her fingers
144 entwine with my own, her palm warm against mine. “Love does
145 unexpected things sometimes,” she replies in her soft, musical voice.
146 “We don’t choose who we fall in love with. And sometimes the one we
147 love can’t love us back.” Her other hand lovingly strokes over mine
148 as she holds it. She’s watching me through her stormy blue eyes even
149 as I watch Syaoran disappear into the limousine. Of course. Because
150 he’s not what matters to her. She only wants to make things better
151 for me. To her, I’m the important part of all of this. I still can’t
152 understand how she sees me that way. How I could be that important to
153 her. She’s the best friend I could ever hope for.
154
155 I break down, crying harder. It’s strange. It was bad when I was
156 alone, but now that she’s here, I feel like a floodgate’s been opened
157 and everything is pouring out. I cling to her, nearly knocking her
158 over. I hold her tightly, tight enough to leave bruises on her
159 delicate, pale skin. But she doesn’t complain. She never complains.
160 She simply holds me, stroking my hair with her lithe fingers. And I
161 sob into her shoulder, my tears soaking the fabric of her school
162 blouse. My body shudders against hers, my face burying against her.
163 “Why?” I choke out, my voice muffled through the cloth.
164
165 She rests her head against mine, her long, dark hair falling against
166 me. “I don’t know, Sakura-chan...” she whispers, her voice sounding
167 so tiny and fragile. “I wish I did.” She turns, kissing my forehead,
168 her stormy blue eyes shut. That thought scares me more than anything
169 else that’s happened today. Tomoyo-chan is the most insightful person
170 I know. She’s always known so much. Especially about people’s hearts.
171 And yet even she couldn’t give me an answer now. She’s met this
172 before. With her own mother. With herself and that person she loves
173 but can’t tell. Now with me. It doesn’t seem fair. “If I knew, I
174 would do everything I could to make sure it never happened to you
175 again,” Tomoyo promises me, rubbing my back, her fingers trailing up
176 and down my spine as she tries to soothe my shaking body.
177
178 “Tomoyo-chan,” I whimper, hanging from her. I don’t even have the
179 strength to stand on my own. I feel so drained. Chains drag me down,
180 pulling me further and further. She’s my only safe haven. I dread the
181 thought of leaving her embrace, of having to deal with all of this on
182 my own again. I hold on tighter, not wanting to let go, ever. “I’m
183 sorry, Tomoyo-chan... I shouldn’t be crying like this... Crying never
184 fixes anything...” I’ve learned that much, at least, right? So why
185 can’t I stop these tears from coming?
186
187 Her hands caress my tear stained cheeks, lifting my gaze up to meet
188 her own. Her stormy blue eyes look directly into me, past everything
189 to my soul deep inside, as if she can see everything I am. I can’t
190 look away, her eyes holding me in place. “Don’t ever be sorry for
191 crying, Sakura-chan. We all bleed sometimes. Crying is the same. Our
192 tears build up inside and sometimes they need to spill out. If they
193 didn’t, we’d drown in them. I don’t want my beautiful Sakura-chan
194 drowning in a pool of tears. Sometimes you can’t fix things.
195 Sometimes there’s nothing to do but cry and pick yourself up and
196 carry on. Sakura-chan, I’ll always be there to help you get back up.
197 I’ll always be your shoulder to cry on. Whoever breaks your heart,
198 I’ll always try my hardest to mend it.” She leans forward, her eyes
199 closing. My heart thumps rapidly in my chest. Her soft lips press
200 against my cheek. She kisses again and again, trailing kisses over my
201 cheeks. I can only stand there, my cheeks tinted a faint crimson as
202 her lips move over me. She slowly pulls back, taking my eyes with her
203 own again. “I’ll always be there to kiss away your tears,” she
204 promises. I would never doubt her. Out of anyone, she’s the one I
205 would never doubt even if the world were falling apart around me.
206
207 Nothing is fixed. But everything is better. I can’t help but smile
208 at her, even through my tears. How did I ever get lucky enough to
209 have a best friend like her? Everyone should have their own Tomoyo-
210 chan, someone who cradles your heart like a holy relic, who is always
211 there to catch you when you fall. But I would never want to share my
212 Tomoyo-chan. I can’t imagine being without her. I pull her closer, my
213 arms tightly around her waist. She moves with my urgings, ready to
214 placate me in any way she can. I’m stronger than her, so it’s easy to
215 pull her close. But I think, deep down, Tomoyo is stronger than all
216 of us. She tells me how strong I am. But without her, I'm nothing.
217 She’s my strength. She’s my courage. She’s my light in the darkness.
218 “Everything will always be all right,” I whisper, chanting her words
219 from so long ago, “only because I’m with you...”
220
221 Even I can tell that her pale cheeks are darkening at my words. But
222 they’re true. I want her to know that. She’s what makes it all
223 worthwhile. She’s what makes it all turn out all right. With her, I
224 could face anything. Her arms are around my shoulders, her long dark
225 hair fluttering about in the wind. She smiles, still blushing. The
226 smallest things like that make her happy. But it’s simply a fact. I
227 just wanted her to know that. I want to do bigger, better things to
228 make her happy. If only I knew how. I’m only a clumsy, somewhat
229 dense, overemotional teenage girl.
230
231 We’re kissing. I don’t even know who started it. But I really don’t
232 care at this point. I pull her tighter against me, never getting her
233 quite close enough. I’ll apologize for her bruises later. I’ll kiss
234 them all away. Right now I need her as close to me as I can get her.
235 I need her lips against mine. I need her. She clings to me, her hands
236 pressed against my back. Her deep kisses are a far cry from the
237 feathery kisses we had started with what felt like an eternity ago. I
238 blush myself as I feel my beautiful best friend kissing away all of
239 my tears, all of my pain, her tongue swirling against mine. Right now
240 we don’t need any words. Nothing diluted, nothing distant or
241 filtered. Just pure Tomoyo at her very essence. All that she is, all
242 that I am, making something much more.
243
244 Tomoyo always came to my rescue. Whenever I was in trouble. She
245 didn’t need a sword or magic. She’s always been my hero. She came to
246 me with a camcorder and costumes, with love and adoration. She made
247 me the star of her life. And it’s time I finally showed this small,
248 delicate behind-the-scenes girl that she can play center stage in my
249 life.