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[svn r3] moved all the bad stuff to 'old'
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date Fri, 19 Feb 2010 20:53:12 -0500
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1 _Ureshisou ni Shinagara, Naka Nakunaku_
2
3 Author: Catsy (nekojita@ayashi.net)
4 Content: songfic, shoujo-ai, angst
5 Song: Vector
6 Artist: Sakamoto Maaya
7
8 --
9
10 Hands as delicate and pale as the fabric they held worked at the needle,
11 embroidering that which simply could not be entrusted to the sewing
12 machine. Tomoyo's lips pursed in concentration, the tip of her tongue
13 protruding just slightly as she worked the stitch over and under. Over and
14 under. It was painstaking, laborious work, work which could easily fetch
15 yen in the six-digit range, if she chose to sell it.
16
17 She would not be selling it. It was for Sakura.
18
19 Tomoyo tried to remember exactly when it was that she realized she loved
20 Sakura. There had to have been a point when it progressed from best
21 friends, to childhood infatuation, to real romance. Or was it imperceptibly
22 gradual, the way leaves shift to calico colors in the fall? All Tomoyo knew
23 was that it simply /was/. That was good enough; had to be good enough.
24
25 But it wasn't.
26
27 Told myself for a long time
28 Don't go there
29 You will only be sorry
30
31 Eriol had politely suggested to her at one point that she and Sakura--and
32 for that matter, many romantic relationships between women--suffered from
33 the regrettable Japanese notion that women weren't permitted to make the
34 first move. That if one or the other of them didn't break free of that and
35 do /something/, they weren't ever likely to. Of course, when Eriol
36 suggested something it was never /im/polite, and Tomoyo recognized on one
37 level that he was right. It made her wonder why he'd say such a thing,
38 since it was clear that Eriol approved of Sakura and Syaoran as a couple.
39
40 Told myself so many times
41 I just had to take a look
42 in those faraway eyes
43
44 Of course, he was both right and wrong at the same time. The psychological
45 explanation made sense on the surface, but how could she explain to him her
46 own reasons for remaining silent?
47
48 Sakura's friendship was precious to her. From elementary school to middle
49 school, to high school and beyond, Sakura's happiness sustained Tomoyo like
50 lifeblood itself. She had but to walk into the room, and everyone
51 immediately knew it--the temperature rose by a degree, moods lightened, and
52 the room seemed somehow brighter for her presence.
53
54 It wasn't that she didn't /want/ to be with Sakura. Nothing would make her
55 happier than if she and Sakura could have a life together, bringing each
56 other that fulfillment that only deep, bonding romance could.
57
58 In them I saw a longing
59 for something
60 Maybe I couldn't give you
61
62 But if she tried, and failed, what would be the cost? Was it worth the
63 risk of harming her friendship with Sakura, for the sake of what she might
64 never be able to have?
65
66 Said it's all in my mind
67 "It ain't nothing"
68
69 Would it be worth risking everything, if all she got was a few stolen
70 kisses, and something to giggle nervously about together when they were
71 older? Was it worth the risk of hurting Sakura, or taking her away from
72 what made her happy, to tell her how she felt just once?
73
74 Don't say that
75 Don't say that
76 Darling no
77 Don't say anything at all
78
79 Tomoyo decided, as she had so many times before, that the answer was no.
80 What she hadn't told Eriol, what she'd seen no reason to point out, is that
81 Sakura probably knew anyway. She was naive and dense, but a remarkably good
82 judge of character. Tomoyo found it impossible to believe, given how long
83 they'd known each other, that Sakura could /not/ know how Tomoyo felt.
84
85
86 Because I've seen it now
87 Can't pretend anymore
88 "It ain't nothing"
89
90 The only explanation, the only sensible one, was that Sakura /did/
91 know--and didn't feel the same way. And that rather than hurt Tomoyo's
92 feelings, she simply didn't speak of it. That was fine--because even that
93 painful truth made Tomoyo happy. It meant that Sakura cared enough about
94 her feelings to spare them, and Tomoyo was willing to accept that.
95
96 But it wasn't the same as telling her. It wasn't the same as taking
97 Sakura's hand in hers, bringing it to her lips, whispering /aishiteimasu/,
98 and watching Sakura's eyes light up with joy. It wasn't the same as walking
99 together hand in hand and knowing that everyone else knew who and what they
100 were, or holding each other in their arms after making love.
101
102 Do you know what I mean?
103 And have you seen it too?
104 Do you know what I mean?
105 Do you know?
106 And I'll do anything
107 Just tell me what it means
108 Cause I can't live in doubt anymore
109
110 Tomoyo's hands gripped the fabric of the dress tightly, her knuckles
111 whitening. She squeezed her eyes shut to banish to image that leapt
112 unbidden into her mind, but it did no good--it merely succeeded in
113 squeezing a single tear out of eyes that she'd thought were dry. She jerked
114 back as she felt the wetness, let it roll down her cheek rather than fall
115 on the outfit she was working on. She would not cry--Sakura was in the next
116 room, spending the night. She would not allow Sakura to see her like this.
117
118 Do we try or should we
119 just say goodbye
120
121 Her mother had figured it out early on. She blessed it, of course, but was
122 of the opinion that Tomoyo should either fish or cut bait--that if she
123 wasn't going to tell Sakura, that she'd be better off leaving her to go her
124 own way after high school. Tomoyo knew she meant well, knew that her mother
125 only wanted to spare her the pain she'd gone through when Nadeshiko had
126 married Fujitaka.
127
128 If you'd rather be somewhere
129 that's not here
130 then you just gotta tell me
131 Cause there's so much more to life
132 than pretending
133
134 In truth, she'd half-expected Sakura to be the one to break off the
135 friendship. Not maliciously, because Sakura would never do anything
136 malicious to hurt someone, least of all a friend--but on any one of the
137 numerous occasions when Tomoyo had been a little /too/ enthusiastic with
138 her professions of how wonderful Sakura was, in front of her. When they
139 were younger, it had occasionally discomfited Sakura, which Tomoyo was
140 grateful for--Sakura was so open about things like that, it let her know
141 when she'd crossed the line. But as they'd grown up, throughough junior
142 high and high school, Sakura had gradually ceased being put off by Tomoyo's
143 displays. Was it that it didn't bother her anymore, or was she just getting
144 better at keeping it inside?
145
146 Don't you know
147 Don't you know
148 Darling for you
149 I'd do anything at all
150
151 Sakura had only to say it, and Tomoyo would do it. If Sakura had ever told
152 her, "Tomoyo, this bothers me," Tomoyo would stop. If Sakura had ever asked
153 her for anything, Tomoyo would give it to her if it were in her power. And
154 if Sakura had ever asked Tomoyo to be hers, to any extent or in any
155 capacity, it would be so before the words had time to pass her lips.
156 Anything.
157
158 I wanna be with you
159 but that look in your eyes
160 tells me something
161
162 Tomoyo would do anything for Sakura's happiness... including giving up on
163 her own.
164
165 Do you know what I mean?
166 And have you seen it too?
167 Do you know what I mean?
168 Do you know?
169 And I'll do anything
170 Just tell me what it means
171 Cause I can't live in doubt anymore
172
173 But it wasn't really giving up her own happiness, was it? If Sakura was
174 happy, that made Tomoyo happy. She was the very embodiment of the word
175 /setsunasa/--that simultanaeity of bittersweet happiness, the thing which
176 was a source of both sweet yearning and pain. It was embroidered into her
177 being as inextricably as the lace she set about assiduously sewing to the
178 cuffs of the dress.
179
180
181 I wanna know
182 can you tell me
183 I wanna know
184 will you tell me
185 is it hello
186 is it good-bye
187
188 At last, she was done. Tomoyo held up her handiwork and inspected it
189 critically. No, a seam on the collar was misaligned; it would need to be
190 redone. Fortunately, it was just a matter of ripping out the stitches and
191 running that part through the sewing machine again. Tomoyo did so, letting
192 the mindless automation of the work drive thought from her mind and dry her
193 eyes.
194
195
196 She was grateful for the dry eyes a few minutes later, as Sakura knocked
197 once and opened the door without waiting for a response.
198
199 "Sakura!" Tomoyo exclaimed. "Wait just a minute, it's /almost/ done..."
200
201 I gotta know
202 won't you tell me
203 I gotta know
204 you can tell me
205 is it hello
206 or just good-bye
207
208 "I'm sorry," Sakura said sheepishly. "I know you don't like to be
209 disturbed when you're working..."
210
211 Tomoyo shook her head firmly, as if the very notion that Sakura could
212 disturb her was absurd. "No, no, it's just that I wanted you to see it when
213 it was finished... I'm afraid it's not my best work," she added with a
214 pensive glance at the uneven stitching. "I'll need to tailor it a bit, of
215 course."
216
217 I gotta know
218 can you tell me
219 I gotta know
220 will you tell me
221 is it hello
222 is it good-bye
223
224 This didn't seem to matter one bit to Sakura, who stared at Tomoyo's
225 latest creation with open-mouthed wonder. She rushed forward and felt at
226 the silken texture, rubbed the lace between her fingers. "I don't believe
227 you for a minute," she said insistently, her eyes fairly sparkling. "It's
228 /wonderful/."
229
230 I gotta know
231 won't you tell me
232 I gotta know
233 you can tell me
234 is it hello...
235
236 Sakura set the dress aside and hugged Tomoyo tightly. "Thank you, thank
237 you, thank you!" She drew back and kissed Tomoyo on the cheek, taking her
238 hands in hers. Tomoyo drank in the touch as if it were life itself, and
239 committed the kiss to memory for all time. If Sakura never kissed her
240 again, nor held her hands like this, Tomoyo would still feel complete,
241 having known this moment. "Oh Tomoyo, what would I do without you? It's the
242 most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
243
244 Or just good-bye...
245
246 Tomoyo smiled back at her friend. A thousand words passed through her
247 mind, in every way she knew how to say them. /Daisuki desu. Aishiteimasu.
248 Je t'aime. I love you./ Instead, however, she gazed at the dress, and
249 smoothed wrinkles out of the white fabric. "That's good, because you'll be
250 the most beautiful bride in the world."