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[svn r3] moved all the bad stuff to 'old'
author rlm
date Fri, 19 Feb 2010 20:53:12 -0500
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rlm@2 1 _Ureshisou ni Shinagara, Naka Nakunaku_
rlm@2 2
rlm@2 3 Author: Catsy (nekojita@ayashi.net)
rlm@2 4 Content: songfic, shoujo-ai, angst
rlm@2 5 Song: Vector
rlm@2 6 Artist: Sakamoto Maaya
rlm@2 7
rlm@2 8 --
rlm@2 9
rlm@2 10 Hands as delicate and pale as the fabric they held worked at the needle,
rlm@2 11 embroidering that which simply could not be entrusted to the sewing
rlm@2 12 machine. Tomoyo's lips pursed in concentration, the tip of her tongue
rlm@2 13 protruding just slightly as she worked the stitch over and under. Over and
rlm@2 14 under. It was painstaking, laborious work, work which could easily fetch
rlm@2 15 yen in the six-digit range, if she chose to sell it.
rlm@2 16
rlm@2 17 She would not be selling it. It was for Sakura.
rlm@2 18
rlm@2 19 Tomoyo tried to remember exactly when it was that she realized she loved
rlm@2 20 Sakura. There had to have been a point when it progressed from best
rlm@2 21 friends, to childhood infatuation, to real romance. Or was it imperceptibly
rlm@2 22 gradual, the way leaves shift to calico colors in the fall? All Tomoyo knew
rlm@2 23 was that it simply /was/. That was good enough; had to be good enough.
rlm@2 24
rlm@2 25 But it wasn't.
rlm@2 26
rlm@2 27 Told myself for a long time
rlm@2 28 Don't go there
rlm@2 29 You will only be sorry
rlm@2 30
rlm@2 31 Eriol had politely suggested to her at one point that she and Sakura--and
rlm@2 32 for that matter, many romantic relationships between women--suffered from
rlm@2 33 the regrettable Japanese notion that women weren't permitted to make the
rlm@2 34 first move. That if one or the other of them didn't break free of that and
rlm@2 35 do /something/, they weren't ever likely to. Of course, when Eriol
rlm@2 36 suggested something it was never /im/polite, and Tomoyo recognized on one
rlm@2 37 level that he was right. It made her wonder why he'd say such a thing,
rlm@2 38 since it was clear that Eriol approved of Sakura and Syaoran as a couple.
rlm@2 39
rlm@2 40 Told myself so many times
rlm@2 41 I just had to take a look
rlm@2 42 in those faraway eyes
rlm@2 43
rlm@2 44 Of course, he was both right and wrong at the same time. The psychological
rlm@2 45 explanation made sense on the surface, but how could she explain to him her
rlm@2 46 own reasons for remaining silent?
rlm@2 47
rlm@2 48 Sakura's friendship was precious to her. From elementary school to middle
rlm@2 49 school, to high school and beyond, Sakura's happiness sustained Tomoyo like
rlm@2 50 lifeblood itself. She had but to walk into the room, and everyone
rlm@2 51 immediately knew it--the temperature rose by a degree, moods lightened, and
rlm@2 52 the room seemed somehow brighter for her presence.
rlm@2 53
rlm@2 54 It wasn't that she didn't /want/ to be with Sakura. Nothing would make her
rlm@2 55 happier than if she and Sakura could have a life together, bringing each
rlm@2 56 other that fulfillment that only deep, bonding romance could.
rlm@2 57
rlm@2 58 In them I saw a longing
rlm@2 59 for something
rlm@2 60 Maybe I couldn't give you
rlm@2 61
rlm@2 62 But if she tried, and failed, what would be the cost? Was it worth the
rlm@2 63 risk of harming her friendship with Sakura, for the sake of what she might
rlm@2 64 never be able to have?
rlm@2 65
rlm@2 66 Said it's all in my mind
rlm@2 67 "It ain't nothing"
rlm@2 68
rlm@2 69 Would it be worth risking everything, if all she got was a few stolen
rlm@2 70 kisses, and something to giggle nervously about together when they were
rlm@2 71 older? Was it worth the risk of hurting Sakura, or taking her away from
rlm@2 72 what made her happy, to tell her how she felt just once?
rlm@2 73
rlm@2 74 Don't say that
rlm@2 75 Don't say that
rlm@2 76 Darling no
rlm@2 77 Don't say anything at all
rlm@2 78
rlm@2 79 Tomoyo decided, as she had so many times before, that the answer was no.
rlm@2 80 What she hadn't told Eriol, what she'd seen no reason to point out, is that
rlm@2 81 Sakura probably knew anyway. She was naive and dense, but a remarkably good
rlm@2 82 judge of character. Tomoyo found it impossible to believe, given how long
rlm@2 83 they'd known each other, that Sakura could /not/ know how Tomoyo felt.
rlm@2 84
rlm@2 85
rlm@2 86 Because I've seen it now
rlm@2 87 Can't pretend anymore
rlm@2 88 "It ain't nothing"
rlm@2 89
rlm@2 90 The only explanation, the only sensible one, was that Sakura /did/
rlm@2 91 know--and didn't feel the same way. And that rather than hurt Tomoyo's
rlm@2 92 feelings, she simply didn't speak of it. That was fine--because even that
rlm@2 93 painful truth made Tomoyo happy. It meant that Sakura cared enough about
rlm@2 94 her feelings to spare them, and Tomoyo was willing to accept that.
rlm@2 95
rlm@2 96 But it wasn't the same as telling her. It wasn't the same as taking
rlm@2 97 Sakura's hand in hers, bringing it to her lips, whispering /aishiteimasu/,
rlm@2 98 and watching Sakura's eyes light up with joy. It wasn't the same as walking
rlm@2 99 together hand in hand and knowing that everyone else knew who and what they
rlm@2 100 were, or holding each other in their arms after making love.
rlm@2 101
rlm@2 102 Do you know what I mean?
rlm@2 103 And have you seen it too?
rlm@2 104 Do you know what I mean?
rlm@2 105 Do you know?
rlm@2 106 And I'll do anything
rlm@2 107 Just tell me what it means
rlm@2 108 Cause I can't live in doubt anymore
rlm@2 109
rlm@2 110 Tomoyo's hands gripped the fabric of the dress tightly, her knuckles
rlm@2 111 whitening. She squeezed her eyes shut to banish to image that leapt
rlm@2 112 unbidden into her mind, but it did no good--it merely succeeded in
rlm@2 113 squeezing a single tear out of eyes that she'd thought were dry. She jerked
rlm@2 114 back as she felt the wetness, let it roll down her cheek rather than fall
rlm@2 115 on the outfit she was working on. She would not cry--Sakura was in the next
rlm@2 116 room, spending the night. She would not allow Sakura to see her like this.
rlm@2 117
rlm@2 118 Do we try or should we
rlm@2 119 just say goodbye
rlm@2 120
rlm@2 121 Her mother had figured it out early on. She blessed it, of course, but was
rlm@2 122 of the opinion that Tomoyo should either fish or cut bait--that if she
rlm@2 123 wasn't going to tell Sakura, that she'd be better off leaving her to go her
rlm@2 124 own way after high school. Tomoyo knew she meant well, knew that her mother
rlm@2 125 only wanted to spare her the pain she'd gone through when Nadeshiko had
rlm@2 126 married Fujitaka.
rlm@2 127
rlm@2 128 If you'd rather be somewhere
rlm@2 129 that's not here
rlm@2 130 then you just gotta tell me
rlm@2 131 Cause there's so much more to life
rlm@2 132 than pretending
rlm@2 133
rlm@2 134 In truth, she'd half-expected Sakura to be the one to break off the
rlm@2 135 friendship. Not maliciously, because Sakura would never do anything
rlm@2 136 malicious to hurt someone, least of all a friend--but on any one of the
rlm@2 137 numerous occasions when Tomoyo had been a little /too/ enthusiastic with
rlm@2 138 her professions of how wonderful Sakura was, in front of her. When they
rlm@2 139 were younger, it had occasionally discomfited Sakura, which Tomoyo was
rlm@2 140 grateful for--Sakura was so open about things like that, it let her know
rlm@2 141 when she'd crossed the line. But as they'd grown up, throughough junior
rlm@2 142 high and high school, Sakura had gradually ceased being put off by Tomoyo's
rlm@2 143 displays. Was it that it didn't bother her anymore, or was she just getting
rlm@2 144 better at keeping it inside?
rlm@2 145
rlm@2 146 Don't you know
rlm@2 147 Don't you know
rlm@2 148 Darling for you
rlm@2 149 I'd do anything at all
rlm@2 150
rlm@2 151 Sakura had only to say it, and Tomoyo would do it. If Sakura had ever told
rlm@2 152 her, "Tomoyo, this bothers me," Tomoyo would stop. If Sakura had ever asked
rlm@2 153 her for anything, Tomoyo would give it to her if it were in her power. And
rlm@2 154 if Sakura had ever asked Tomoyo to be hers, to any extent or in any
rlm@2 155 capacity, it would be so before the words had time to pass her lips.
rlm@2 156 Anything.
rlm@2 157
rlm@2 158 I wanna be with you
rlm@2 159 but that look in your eyes
rlm@2 160 tells me something
rlm@2 161
rlm@2 162 Tomoyo would do anything for Sakura's happiness... including giving up on
rlm@2 163 her own.
rlm@2 164
rlm@2 165 Do you know what I mean?
rlm@2 166 And have you seen it too?
rlm@2 167 Do you know what I mean?
rlm@2 168 Do you know?
rlm@2 169 And I'll do anything
rlm@2 170 Just tell me what it means
rlm@2 171 Cause I can't live in doubt anymore
rlm@2 172
rlm@2 173 But it wasn't really giving up her own happiness, was it? If Sakura was
rlm@2 174 happy, that made Tomoyo happy. She was the very embodiment of the word
rlm@2 175 /setsunasa/--that simultanaeity of bittersweet happiness, the thing which
rlm@2 176 was a source of both sweet yearning and pain. It was embroidered into her
rlm@2 177 being as inextricably as the lace she set about assiduously sewing to the
rlm@2 178 cuffs of the dress.
rlm@2 179
rlm@2 180
rlm@2 181 I wanna know
rlm@2 182 can you tell me
rlm@2 183 I wanna know
rlm@2 184 will you tell me
rlm@2 185 is it hello
rlm@2 186 is it good-bye
rlm@2 187
rlm@2 188 At last, she was done. Tomoyo held up her handiwork and inspected it
rlm@2 189 critically. No, a seam on the collar was misaligned; it would need to be
rlm@2 190 redone. Fortunately, it was just a matter of ripping out the stitches and
rlm@2 191 running that part through the sewing machine again. Tomoyo did so, letting
rlm@2 192 the mindless automation of the work drive thought from her mind and dry her
rlm@2 193 eyes.
rlm@2 194
rlm@2 195
rlm@2 196 She was grateful for the dry eyes a few minutes later, as Sakura knocked
rlm@2 197 once and opened the door without waiting for a response.
rlm@2 198
rlm@2 199 "Sakura!" Tomoyo exclaimed. "Wait just a minute, it's /almost/ done..."
rlm@2 200
rlm@2 201 I gotta know
rlm@2 202 won't you tell me
rlm@2 203 I gotta know
rlm@2 204 you can tell me
rlm@2 205 is it hello
rlm@2 206 or just good-bye
rlm@2 207
rlm@2 208 "I'm sorry," Sakura said sheepishly. "I know you don't like to be
rlm@2 209 disturbed when you're working..."
rlm@2 210
rlm@2 211 Tomoyo shook her head firmly, as if the very notion that Sakura could
rlm@2 212 disturb her was absurd. "No, no, it's just that I wanted you to see it when
rlm@2 213 it was finished... I'm afraid it's not my best work," she added with a
rlm@2 214 pensive glance at the uneven stitching. "I'll need to tailor it a bit, of
rlm@2 215 course."
rlm@2 216
rlm@2 217 I gotta know
rlm@2 218 can you tell me
rlm@2 219 I gotta know
rlm@2 220 will you tell me
rlm@2 221 is it hello
rlm@2 222 is it good-bye
rlm@2 223
rlm@2 224 This didn't seem to matter one bit to Sakura, who stared at Tomoyo's
rlm@2 225 latest creation with open-mouthed wonder. She rushed forward and felt at
rlm@2 226 the silken texture, rubbed the lace between her fingers. "I don't believe
rlm@2 227 you for a minute," she said insistently, her eyes fairly sparkling. "It's
rlm@2 228 /wonderful/."
rlm@2 229
rlm@2 230 I gotta know
rlm@2 231 won't you tell me
rlm@2 232 I gotta know
rlm@2 233 you can tell me
rlm@2 234 is it hello...
rlm@2 235
rlm@2 236 Sakura set the dress aside and hugged Tomoyo tightly. "Thank you, thank
rlm@2 237 you, thank you!" She drew back and kissed Tomoyo on the cheek, taking her
rlm@2 238 hands in hers. Tomoyo drank in the touch as if it were life itself, and
rlm@2 239 committed the kiss to memory for all time. If Sakura never kissed her
rlm@2 240 again, nor held her hands like this, Tomoyo would still feel complete,
rlm@2 241 having known this moment. "Oh Tomoyo, what would I do without you? It's the
rlm@2 242 most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
rlm@2 243
rlm@2 244 Or just good-bye...
rlm@2 245
rlm@2 246 Tomoyo smiled back at her friend. A thousand words passed through her
rlm@2 247 mind, in every way she knew how to say them. /Daisuki desu. Aishiteimasu.
rlm@2 248 Je t'aime. I love you./ Instead, however, she gazed at the dress, and
rlm@2 249 smoothed wrinkles out of the white fabric. "That's good, because you'll be
rlm@2 250 the most beautiful bride in the world."