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3 Letting Go
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4
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5 By: Dreiser
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6
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7
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8 The cool night air touches my skin and I shiver under its soft
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9 assault. Clasping my hands on the thick marble of the balcony I study
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10 the night sky.
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11 The sky is black. Black reminds me of death. Death reminds
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12 me of myself.
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13 A slight wind kicks up and I hug myself for warmth as I watch
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14 the steady lap of the waves hitting the beach. Since I was little I've
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15 loved the ocean.
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16 It reminds me of the comforts and safety of childhood. When
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17 things were much more simple.
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18 As a child I knew what I wanted and I asked for it. It may
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19 have taken me awhile to work up the courage to ask but nevertheless
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20 I asked. And when I did I was usually rewarded by receiving
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21 whatever I had asked for.
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22 I'm now an adult and have since realized that simply asking for
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23 something doesn't always insure that you'll get it.
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24 Over the years I've always longed for one thing and one thing
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25 only but I've yet to ask for it.
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26 I doubt very much that I'll ever be able to work up the
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27 courage to ask for it. As painful as it is sometimes you have to realize
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28 that some things will remain unattainable.
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29 And for me she will always remain unattainable.
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30 "Aren't you cold out here?"
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31 My eyes close at the irony of the situation. I simply think of
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32 her and she appears. The Kami must enjoy to torture me because I
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33 can find no other explanation for the horrible string of luck in my life.
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34 I look to her and give a small smile.
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35 "I don't mind the cold. I was looking at the stars. They're
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36 pretty, aren't they?"
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37 She walks closer and stops next to me. Her gentle hands rest
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38 on the balcony as she tilts her head back to stare into the night sky
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39 that once preoccupied me so.
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40 "They're very pretty."
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41 Her gaze locks with my own and she adds softly.
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42 "Just like you."
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43 I duck my eyes and I can feel my cheeks flush from her
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44 words. Why must she always tease me so? I know that nothing can
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45 come from it. She's much too good for me and I know it. Her strength
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46 is amazing and it is because I've seen that strength with my own eyes
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47 that I know she would never want an emotional weakling like me.
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48 "Thank you."
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49 "For what? All I did was tell the truth."
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50 There's a hint of rage in her voice and I meet her eyes upon
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51 hearing it. She studies me closely and I shrink under her gaze. It has
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52 always bothered me... the attention of others.
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53 She suddenly sets her jaw and questions.
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54 "You don't believe me do you? You think I was just being
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55 nice when I said that you were pretty."
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56 I blink at the anger in her words and I can only stare at her
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57 helplessly as she continues on.
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58 "I wouldn't lie about something like that! Why would I? What
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59 purpose would it serve?"
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60 In a movement of obvious frustration she shakes her head and
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61 runs her fingers through tousled bangs. She gives a ragged sigh and
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62 looks to me.
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63 "You're the only one who can do this to me, you do know
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64 that right? I've had to learn perfect diplomacy over the years but as
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65 soon as I talk to you..." She rolls her eyes and says wryly, "It seems
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66 to fly right out the window."
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67 There is a long moment of silence and I study her through
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68 lidded eyes before I offer my defense.
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69 "I'm sorry."
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70 Her gaze drops to the railing of the balcony and she slumps
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71 onto it burying her head in her arms. She sighs once again and says in
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72 muffled tones.
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73 "Sorry for what? You didn't do anything. You never do
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74 anything. It's always me."
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75 My body goes numb when I hear this. I never do anything?
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76 She doesn't know just how right she is. After all, I've let countless
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77 years pass without ever doing anything about my feelings for her.
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78 While she keeps trying... for some reason she keeps trying to be
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79 friends with me.
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80 I lock my gaze onto her. She has lifted her head and her chin
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81 rests on her arms as she stares out into the ocean. I desire her... I
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82 want her... I love her...
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83 It's about time that I told her that.
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84 "It embarrasses me when you give me compliments. It
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85 embarrasses me because of how they make me feel."
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86 She looks up at me in quiet disbelief.
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87 "How... how do they make you feel?"
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88 "Loved."
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89 "Loved?"
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90 "Yes. I know you don't love me--"
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91 "Of course I do! You're my best friend! I--"
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92 I shake my head at this and interrupt her with gentle words
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93 laced with steel.
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94 "No. I meant that you don't love me as I love you. I know that
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95 you care for me as a friend but I no longer care for you that way."
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96 In a smooth graceful movement she pushes herself up to stand
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97 at her full height across from me. She reaches out to take my hand
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98 tenderly into her own.
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99 "I don't understand what you're saying."
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100 My eyes remain focused on the cold marble of the balcony
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101 floor. Slowly I lift my gaze to meet hers and swallowing the lump in
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102 my throat I say simply.
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103 "I'm in love with you. I love you not as a friend but as a lover.
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104 I have for quite some time now and that's why I've pushed you away
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105 these past few years. It hurts too much to be with you and to still...
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106 not be with you."
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107 She releases my hands and turns from me. I watch as her
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108 shoulders tense while she grips the railing to the balcony.
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109 "You're in love with me?"
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110 Before I can reply she faces me and her eyes are glowing with
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111 a ferocity I've never seen in her.
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112 "You've been in love with me for years now and you never felt
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113 the need to tell me before now? Didn't you think that this is something
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114 I'd like to know about?"
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115 I blink at this. I never expected her to be indignant or angry at
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116 me. Disgust or pity were the emotions that I had been expecting to
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117 see from her. I meet her eyes then offer my oldest and most used
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118 defense.
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119 "I'm sorry."
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120 "You're sorry? Is that all you can say?!"
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121 She gives a sudden cry of frustration and looking up to the
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122 heavens she mutters to herself. When she lowers her eyes to meet
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123 mine she sighs and says.
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124 "Idiot. I'm in love with you too."
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125 My eyes go wide at this and I whisper.
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126 "Really?"
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127 At this she laughs lightly and walks to me. She gently cups my
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128 face in her hands and I shiver as I feel her hot breath on my skin. Our
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129 lips are millimeters apart as she replies.
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130 "Really."
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131 We draw together in a searing embrace and when we pull
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132 apart from the need of air I can feel myself smiling. Her head rests on
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133 my chest and I pull her closer. Hoping it isn't a dream I say her name.
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134 "Chibiusa."
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135 She lifts her head and warm scarlet eyes smile at me. The tips
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136 of her fingers lightly caress my face and she says my name softly like it
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137 was a prayer.
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138 "Hotaru."
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139 Our smiles deepen and as we move in for another passionate
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140 embrace I can feel myself let go of my fears from the past because
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141 now I have everything I've ever wanted.
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142 And everything I could've ever asked for.
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143
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144 -End-
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145
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146 Both characters from this fanfiction are from Sailor Moon. I came up
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147 with this fanfic because some friends asked me to try a hand at this
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148 couple. I normally don't think of Chibausa and Hotaru in romantic
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149 terms but since reading the fanfics by the Amazoness Duo I've
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150 changed my mind. Please don't write to me saying that these
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151 characters are much too young for this sort of thing. I realize that and I
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152 did age them appropriately in this story so nothing scandalous would
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153 be going on. Now I'm off to listen to the Key: The Metal Idol
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154 soundtrack.
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155
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156 Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com
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157
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158 "Hanging onto the past, it only stands in the way. We have to go for a
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159 love that lasts."
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160 -Tina Turner-
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161
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162
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163
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