rlm@0: rlm@0: rlm@0: Letting Go rlm@0: rlm@0: By: Dreiser rlm@0: rlm@0: rlm@0: The cool night air touches my skin and I shiver under its soft rlm@0: assault. Clasping my hands on the thick marble of the balcony I study rlm@0: the night sky. rlm@0: The sky is black. Black reminds me of death. Death reminds rlm@0: me of myself. rlm@0: A slight wind kicks up and I hug myself for warmth as I watch rlm@0: the steady lap of the waves hitting the beach. Since I was little I've rlm@0: loved the ocean. rlm@0: It reminds me of the comforts and safety of childhood. When rlm@0: things were much more simple. rlm@0: As a child I knew what I wanted and I asked for it. It may rlm@0: have taken me awhile to work up the courage to ask but nevertheless rlm@0: I asked. And when I did I was usually rewarded by receiving rlm@0: whatever I had asked for. rlm@0: I'm now an adult and have since realized that simply asking for rlm@0: something doesn't always insure that you'll get it. rlm@0: Over the years I've always longed for one thing and one thing rlm@0: only but I've yet to ask for it. rlm@0: I doubt very much that I'll ever be able to work up the rlm@0: courage to ask for it. As painful as it is sometimes you have to realize rlm@0: that some things will remain unattainable. rlm@0: And for me she will always remain unattainable. rlm@0: "Aren't you cold out here?" rlm@0: My eyes close at the irony of the situation. I simply think of rlm@0: her and she appears. The Kami must enjoy to torture me because I rlm@0: can find no other explanation for the horrible string of luck in my life. rlm@0: I look to her and give a small smile. rlm@0: "I don't mind the cold. I was looking at the stars. They're rlm@0: pretty, aren't they?" rlm@0: She walks closer and stops next to me. Her gentle hands rest rlm@0: on the balcony as she tilts her head back to stare into the night sky rlm@0: that once preoccupied me so. rlm@0: "They're very pretty." rlm@0: Her gaze locks with my own and she adds softly. rlm@0: "Just like you." rlm@0: I duck my eyes and I can feel my cheeks flush from her rlm@0: words. Why must she always tease me so? I know that nothing can rlm@0: come from it. She's much too good for me and I know it. Her strength rlm@0: is amazing and it is because I've seen that strength with my own eyes rlm@0: that I know she would never want an emotional weakling like me. rlm@0: "Thank you." rlm@0: "For what? All I did was tell the truth." rlm@0: There's a hint of rage in her voice and I meet her eyes upon rlm@0: hearing it. She studies me closely and I shrink under her gaze. It has rlm@0: always bothered me... the attention of others. rlm@0: She suddenly sets her jaw and questions. rlm@0: "You don't believe me do you? You think I was just being rlm@0: nice when I said that you were pretty." rlm@0: I blink at the anger in her words and I can only stare at her rlm@0: helplessly as she continues on. rlm@0: "I wouldn't lie about something like that! Why would I? What rlm@0: purpose would it serve?" rlm@0: In a movement of obvious frustration she shakes her head and rlm@0: runs her fingers through tousled bangs. She gives a ragged sigh and rlm@0: looks to me. rlm@0: "You're the only one who can do this to me, you do know rlm@0: that right? I've had to learn perfect diplomacy over the years but as rlm@0: soon as I talk to you..." She rolls her eyes and says wryly, "It seems rlm@0: to fly right out the window." rlm@0: There is a long moment of silence and I study her through rlm@0: lidded eyes before I offer my defense. rlm@0: "I'm sorry." rlm@0: Her gaze drops to the railing of the balcony and she slumps rlm@0: onto it burying her head in her arms. She sighs once again and says in rlm@0: muffled tones. rlm@0: "Sorry for what? You didn't do anything. You never do rlm@0: anything. It's always me." rlm@0: My body goes numb when I hear this. I never do anything? rlm@0: She doesn't know just how right she is. After all, I've let countless rlm@0: years pass without ever doing anything about my feelings for her. rlm@0: While she keeps trying... for some reason she keeps trying to be rlm@0: friends with me. rlm@0: I lock my gaze onto her. She has lifted her head and her chin rlm@0: rests on her arms as she stares out into the ocean. I desire her... I rlm@0: want her... I love her... rlm@0: It's about time that I told her that. rlm@0: "It embarrasses me when you give me compliments. It rlm@0: embarrasses me because of how they make me feel." rlm@0: She looks up at me in quiet disbelief. rlm@0: "How... how do they make you feel?" rlm@0: "Loved." rlm@0: "Loved?" rlm@0: "Yes. I know you don't love me--" rlm@0: "Of course I do! You're my best friend! I--" rlm@0: I shake my head at this and interrupt her with gentle words rlm@0: laced with steel. rlm@0: "No. I meant that you don't love me as I love you. I know that rlm@0: you care for me as a friend but I no longer care for you that way." rlm@0: In a smooth graceful movement she pushes herself up to stand rlm@0: at her full height across from me. She reaches out to take my hand rlm@0: tenderly into her own. rlm@0: "I don't understand what you're saying." rlm@0: My eyes remain focused on the cold marble of the balcony rlm@0: floor. Slowly I lift my gaze to meet hers and swallowing the lump in rlm@0: my throat I say simply. rlm@0: "I'm in love with you. I love you not as a friend but as a lover. rlm@0: I have for quite some time now and that's why I've pushed you away rlm@0: these past few years. It hurts too much to be with you and to still... rlm@0: not be with you." rlm@0: She releases my hands and turns from me. I watch as her rlm@0: shoulders tense while she grips the railing to the balcony. rlm@0: "You're in love with me?" rlm@0: Before I can reply she faces me and her eyes are glowing with rlm@0: a ferocity I've never seen in her. rlm@0: "You've been in love with me for years now and you never felt rlm@0: the need to tell me before now? Didn't you think that this is something rlm@0: I'd like to know about?" rlm@0: I blink at this. I never expected her to be indignant or angry at rlm@0: me. Disgust or pity were the emotions that I had been expecting to rlm@0: see from her. I meet her eyes then offer my oldest and most used rlm@0: defense. rlm@0: "I'm sorry." rlm@0: "You're sorry? Is that all you can say?!" rlm@0: She gives a sudden cry of frustration and looking up to the rlm@0: heavens she mutters to herself. When she lowers her eyes to meet rlm@0: mine she sighs and says. rlm@0: "Idiot. I'm in love with you too." rlm@0: My eyes go wide at this and I whisper. rlm@0: "Really?" rlm@0: At this she laughs lightly and walks to me. She gently cups my rlm@0: face in her hands and I shiver as I feel her hot breath on my skin. Our rlm@0: lips are millimeters apart as she replies. rlm@0: "Really." rlm@0: We draw together in a searing embrace and when we pull rlm@0: apart from the need of air I can feel myself smiling. Her head rests on rlm@0: my chest and I pull her closer. Hoping it isn't a dream I say her name. rlm@0: "Chibiusa." rlm@0: She lifts her head and warm scarlet eyes smile at me. The tips rlm@0: of her fingers lightly caress my face and she says my name softly like it rlm@0: was a prayer. rlm@0: "Hotaru." rlm@0: Our smiles deepen and as we move in for another passionate rlm@0: embrace I can feel myself let go of my fears from the past because rlm@0: now I have everything I've ever wanted. rlm@0: And everything I could've ever asked for. rlm@0: rlm@0: -End- rlm@0: rlm@0: Both characters from this fanfiction are from Sailor Moon. I came up rlm@0: with this fanfic because some friends asked me to try a hand at this rlm@0: couple. I normally don't think of Chibausa and Hotaru in romantic rlm@0: terms but since reading the fanfics by the Amazoness Duo I've rlm@0: changed my mind. Please don't write to me saying that these rlm@0: characters are much too young for this sort of thing. I realize that and I rlm@0: did age them appropriately in this story so nothing scandalous would rlm@0: be going on. Now I'm off to listen to the Key: The Metal Idol rlm@0: soundtrack. rlm@0: rlm@0: Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com rlm@0: rlm@0: "Hanging onto the past, it only stands in the way. We have to go for a rlm@0: love that lasts." rlm@0: -Tina Turner- rlm@0: rlm@0: rlm@0: