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1 ---------------------------------------------
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2 Conjure Me 1/1
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3 by Meredith Bronwen Mallory
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4 mallorys-girl@cinci.rr.com
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5 ---------------------------------------------
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6
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7
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8 DECEMBER 5th 2009
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9
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10
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11 They walked hand in hand; though hers was cold as ice to him and she found
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12 his to be uncomfortably sweaty. Heat rising from a swamp, ready to smother.
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13 Her hands were strong, well formed and colored like light brushing against
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14 a peach. Capable. Somehow, Sakura felt all that go away, when he wrapped
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15 his calloused fingers around her hand; she thought perhaps he was drawing
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16 the magic out of her, a little bit at a time. That was silly, of course;
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17 they were just holding hands. Boyfriend and girlfriend, walking out under
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18 the cold winter stars as their breaths released in little clouds. Snow
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19 whirled about, caught in her auburn hair and pressed against her red coat
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20 with the golden buttons. She laughed and, taking the opportunity to
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21 disengage her hand, ran ahead, twirling when she reached a fork in the
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22 path. Head tilted back, she opened her mouth like a child waiting for a
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23 spoonful of powered sugar. The moon was a pale sliver, the delicate
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24 crescent of a fingertip.
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25
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26
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27
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28 Tomoyo blazed before her eyes, an inadvertent thought, but somehow more
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29 real. The moon was a bright distant point of light in her best friendıs fey
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30 eyes. She thought about last night, Tomoyoıs soft, cool hand in Sakuraıs
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31 own, smiling as they turned and turned, making the world move on their own
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32 axis. Then, rather than falling apart, they had pulled together and sunken
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33 to their knees in the soft snow. Hands coming together, Tomoyoıs face
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34 pillowed on Sakuraıs shoulder. And then, for some reason, Sakura buried her
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35 face in her best friendıs hair, lost in an endless river of ebony and
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36 violet.
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37
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38
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39
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40 ³Hoe,² a soft, incredulous breath, coming in time with the color rising to
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41 her cheeks. She realized belatedly that she had been standing still for
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42 quite some time, and now Syaoran stood ahead of her waiting. Flashing him
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43 an apologetic smile, she hurried to catch up. A cloud draped itself over
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44 the moon, making the shapes in the park less familiar. When Sakura was
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45 close enough, Syaoran took her hand again.
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46 ³Letıs do something different tonight,² Syaoran suggested, turning to
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47 Sakura with eyes that looked empty in the moonlight.
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48 ³Nani? What do you mean?² absently, she looked at her watch. The hand and
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49 shadow fell to nine oıclock.
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50 ³I donıt know,² he said in a tone that meant he did, ³Do you want to come
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51 to my apartment? You could call your dad, tell him youıll be a little
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52 late.² There was something, something in her chest, dark and slithering.
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53 She didnıt know what it was.
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54 ³Alright,² her voice was quiet. They continued in a different direction,
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55 still holding hands.
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56 She was sixteen years old.
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57
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58
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59 ~
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60
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61
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62 Tomoyo walked carefully in the snow, feeling transported. Trees rose
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63 against the star-filled sky, looking like twisted, polished question marks.
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64 Not even the lights of the city could change the strange, alien feeling
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65 that dipped like a scythe against her ribs. The people sharing the sidewalk
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66 seemed somehow more removed, colorless almost, though she told herself
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67 that was only her loneliness seeping through. It bled like that, spreading
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68 outward like a flower, anti-survival, pulling thorns inward. Shivering,
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69 Tomoyo pulled her coat and moon-spangled scarf closer. Her dress, long and
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70 red velvet, brushed against the backs of her legs, in time with the soft
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71 click of her shoes. That was the rhythm, sudden and very overwheliming:
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72 click - clack, click- clack, click - clack. Up beat, down beat. She paused,
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73 oblivious to the pedestrians that pushed around her. Slim, china-white
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74 fingers pressed against her temples, massaging there for a moment before
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75 she continued onward. She thought about Sakura; Sakuraıs hair sliding
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76 through the brush, Sakuraıs slim shoulders encased in green that matched
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77 her eyes. Sakura, smiling, saying she had a date with Syaoran tonight, but
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78 tomorrow she would take Tomoyo down town and theyıd have fun shopping.
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79
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80
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81 Yesterday with Sakura, walking through a corridor of ebony trees, snow
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82 dripping off their branches like strings of glass beads. They had not
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83 seemed like question marks then, but rather totems raised for Sakura,
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84 supporting a palace that had never been built. The wind had moved around
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85 the two of them like a river current, rising against Tomoyoıs cheek bones--
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86 a longed-for touch-- pushing the clouds across the moon and then away
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87 again. Sakura had turned towards Tomoyo, smiling, her emerald eyes like the
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88 depths of the ocean in the darkness. Glory had pushed up through Tomoyo
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89 then, sung in her veins, and as always there was no where for it to go. It
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90 cycled through her, refined each time it passed through her heart, the same
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91 as the blood in her veins. Her throat tightened miserably, all the words
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92 that tangled there seemed stupid and inexpressive. Sheıd searched Sakuraıs
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93 face for understanding, some hint of... there were no words for what she
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94 was looking for. Her hands had gripped Sakuraıs and then, by some unspoken
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95 agreement, they began to turn, round and round, never getting anywhere, but
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96 pulling in towards each other. When they fell to the ground, Tomoyo had
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97 laid her head on her friendıs shoulder, gripping the other girlıs coat with
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98 hands that felt like they would break.
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99 Sheıd said, ³Sakura...²
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100
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101
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102 ³Silly, jealous girl,² she murmured to herself. She forced herself to see
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103 Sakura, happy and smiling on her wedding day, veil thrown over her face
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104 like whatever it was that kept her from seeing the truth. Syaoran would
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105 stand just-so beside her, not smiling because he never smiled, but still
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106 looking like he was happy, looking like he would take care of Sakura. And
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107 herself, somewhere in the background; the one who organized everything, the
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108 one who wiped tears off Sakura's face when she said she was scared and
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109 didn't know if she could go through with the wedding. Always, Tomoyo held
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110 this vision out to herself, but whether it was a promise or a threat even
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111 she didn't know. Presently, the wind pushed the snow against her in a gush,
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112 like the tiny frozen wings of butterflies. Tomoyo breathed deeply, and the
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113 pinch of the scythe became just a little bit stronger.
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114
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115
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116 ~
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117
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118 Her coat was tossed haphazardly in the easy chair, her shoes --black
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119 patenleather with dainty straps-- sat patiently like twin dogs beside
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120 Syaoran's thick sneakers. Sakura saw none of these things, but later she
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121 would remember the placement of everything in the room as one remembers the
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122 stillness of the world before a tornado. She waited for the windows to blow
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123 inward, glass shards like knives ready to cut to the quick. Instead, the
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124 color simply drained from the room; no more blue sofa, brown coffee-table,
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125 green carpet, black-yellow-brown-blue-red pictures of relatives from China.
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126 Only Syaoran's hands retained their color, looking somehow like menacing
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127 claws as they hang suspended before her chest.
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128 "Ano..." he said, and his hands shook with the words. She realized she
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129 hadn't been looking at his face. How strange this felt, like someone else's
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130 life. He wanted her to say something, but there didn't seem to be anything
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131 inside her anymore-- not even a voice. Wasn't she supposed to feel like she
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132 was flying, like she was going to come apart if he didn't touch her and
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133 kiss her? Wasn't that in all the movies and the books and the pictures of
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134 pretty shoujo heroines in the final panels of manga? This was it, the rose
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135 petals would fall across the screen, the hero and heroine would tumble
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136 gracefully onto the bed, like dancers. Perhaps, she thought, it takes a
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137 little while to build up. So she lifted her lips like she did when she
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138 smiled and nodded her head. He moved his fingers to the neckline of her
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139 dress-- the pink one with the red ribbons that Tomoyo had made-- and
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140 carefully slipped a button loose while he made a little breathy noise that
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141 sounded like "Sakura" or the brush of dried leaves on cold stone.
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142
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143
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144 Tomoyo had laid her head on Sakura's shoulder, lips pressed into Sakura's
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145 scarf as she breathed words there. There was something rhythmic to it, an
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146 ancient chant, and Tomoyo's body had moved with it, arms snaking around
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147 Sakura's waist.
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148 "Daijobu?" Sakura could not remember asking the question, but a small
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149 flower of warm air bloomed in the cold, and Tomoyo's body stiffened, so she
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150 must have said something like that.
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151 "I want to tell you something," Tomoyo had said, "I want to..." Her breath
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152 had shuddered, even as Sakura stroked her hair, "but I can't."
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153 "Naze?" a little broken word. Tomoyo slipped gracefully from Sakura's
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154 arms, her violet-ebony hair falling about her like folded wings. She smiled
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155 and it looked painful, and her body was like something that could not be
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156 held. Fragility. There was steel underneath, though; it was the color of
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157 Tomoyo's eyes. She offered her hand, white as the moon on snow, and helped
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158 Sakura stand.
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159 One of them said, "let's go get something to eat"; as if nothing had
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160 happened.
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161
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162
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163 Now they were moving towards the bedroom, Syaoran lifting Sakura into his
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164 arms. Her legs were polished and long-- too long, apparently-- and she had
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165 a hard time shifting her weight against Syaoran's chest. He was down to his
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166 boxers, she clad only in the creamy silk shift with its lace of growing,
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167 virginal flowers.
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168
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169 ~
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170
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171 Tomoyo tested out a smile, looking at the reflection of her face in the
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172 display window. Behind her ethereal image, there cookies, pies and delicate
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173 pastries, festive and brightly lit. The smile faltered, then died
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174 altogether as Tomoyo attempted to brush away the warm image that rose like
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175 a seductress from a bed of silk. Her mind held out the possibility,
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176 impossibility, of a table spanned with candles and good food, set before
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177 herself and Sakura as they reclined in one another's arms. Her mask
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178 crumbled momentarily, her mouth pouted and her eyes closed to hold back
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179 tears, but it was gone so quickly that Tomoyo was able to tell herself it
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180 hadn't happened. Her heart fluttered weakly within its cage, its protests
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181 lost as she pushed the thoughts from her mind. Things that happened without
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182 Sakura were in parentheses, and there for didn't count. Instead, Tomoyo
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183 turned on her heel and headed into the shop, entering with the cold breeze
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184 as her fanfare. She didn't even noticed as her blood ebbed more slowly in
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185 her veins.
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186
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187 ~
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188
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189
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190 It took only three of Syaoran's heavy steps down the hallway and they were
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191 there, poised in the threshold of his room. She tried to smile up at him,
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192 but he wasn't even looking at her, and when he tried to move he ended up
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193 ramming her hip into the doorframe. Now he was looking at her, lukewarm
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194 brown eyes narrowing in concern. Sakura bit her lip so hard she tasted her
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195 own bitter wine, but muttered a 'don't worry' to his apology. He put her
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196 down on the bed, moving her legs so that they were uncrossed, situating her
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197 like a china doll. His hands, big, calloused and sweaty, reached for the
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198 hem of her slip, lifting it ever so slightly before she cried out.
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199
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200 ~
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201
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202 "Can I get you something, miss?"
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203 "Just a cup of tea, with honey, and..." Tomoyo raised her hand
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204 instinctively to cover her mouth, then coughed delicately into the white
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205 fabric on her palm. She put her hand down quickly, "and a few of those
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206 chocolate chip cookies." The tea was in a little china cup lined with gold,
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207 the cookies laid on a paper doily; three of them. Syaoran and Sakura and
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208 Tomoyo. She carried them carefully to a little round table, crossing her
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209 legs as she sat, trying to quell another cough. Raising the cup to her
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210 lips, she thought of a dress design like poetry, seams fitting together in
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211 careful black, green and gold, silently complimenting the depths of
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212 Sakura's shadowed, jungle eyes. Another idea swept away the last, this time
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213 a great embroidered gold dragon curling about Sakura's neck line. The
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214 images were vivid, making her fingers itch, so that Tomoyo did not see the
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215 blood she coughed up into her glove.
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216
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217 ~
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218
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219
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220 Syaoran's eyes were narrowed until it looked like he couldn't see anything
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221 at all, but Sakura kept her face determined and her hands hard as she
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222 loosened his grip on the slip.
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223 "Something wrong?" His words were blunt, cutting.
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224 "Iie..," Sakura shook her fire-brown locks, "but we can do..." there were
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225 words for it, of course, but she somehow couldn't bring herself to use any
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226 of them, "without taking this off."
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227 "Alright," he said, and she smiled because she somehow wanted to protect
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228 herself from him. In the next moment, she turned her lips down, remembering
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229 the long monologues of praise in the romance novels-- how the heroine
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230 wanted her man to have everything of her, that she wanted to share with
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231 him, her whole self. She couldn't hold onto it, any of it, so detached was
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232 she. Syaoran took off his boxers, dropping them beside the bed; she slipped
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233 off her underwear then tossed them, trying to be decadent, to celebrate her
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234 loss, and the white scrap of cloth flew through the air like a kamikaze
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235 bird.
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236
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237
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238
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239 'Someone', Tomoyo thought suddenly, wildly, 'is ripping me open and sewing
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240 me back up'. An ill tide rose in her being, so swift and powerful that all
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241 at once she couldn't remember what it was like to not have pain. There was
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242 pain, everywhere, the bright, functional needles of a sewing machine.
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243
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244
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245 His breathing was the sound of metal on metal, sword on sword. Sakura
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246 moved backwards, feeling the pillows pressing into her back, hands offering
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247 her up for sacrifice. Syaoran's nails were rough on her skin, cutting
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248 without leaving a mark. Now the pillows would give way no more and her head
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249 was pressed against the merciless wall. She had a sudden, insane image of
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250 her mother like this: cornered and crying inside.
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251 "This isn't it," Sakura imaged her saying, her long hair moving to cover
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252 her body in vain, "this isn't, isn't it."
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253
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254
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255
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256 She was being pressed in the gears, drawn out like a piece of thread and
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257 pinned down again and again. Tomoyo's pretty, gloved hands rose, like the
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258 fluttering of doves wings, to touch her burning cheeks. She felt the damp
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259 palm of her right fingers, looked down to see them colored in red. As if
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260 Sakura had kissed them with lipstick, her traitorous mind supplied. A sound
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261 devoid of happiness burst from Tomoyo's lungs; she laughed because she knew
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262 she was dying, knew that Sakura would never touch her and now and forever
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263 there was really no chance. Strange, how she'd never really admitted it.
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264
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265
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266 Sakura said the words, over and over; "this isn't it, this isn't it". They
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267 were heavy on her tongue and quick to fly, she was crying without shedding
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268 any tears.
|
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rlm@0
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269 Syaoran said, "I'm not going to hurt you." As if he hadn't already.
|
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rlm@0
|
270
|
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rlm@0
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271
|
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rlm@0
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272 Tomoyo's laugh rose, filled the small cafe until she felt the gazes of
|
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rlm@0
|
273 strangers slithering over her body. Biting down on her lip and swallowing
|
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rlm@0
|
274 her voice, she tasted her own blood and a touch of the ocean. Salt water;
|
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rlm@0
|
275 her tears. Fingers, stained and trembling felt against her face as though
|
|
rlm@0
|
276 she was a blind woman. The world blurred and blurred with her pain (God,
|
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rlm@0
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277 she didn't even know what was happening), and at last the beating of her
|
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rlm@0
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278 lungs forced her to open her mouth. Tomoyo coughed, and blood fell from her
|
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rlm@0
|
279 lips like grotesque rain.
|
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rlm@0
|
280
|
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rlm@0
|
281
|
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rlm@0
|
282
|
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rlm@0
|
283
|
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rlm@0
|
284 Now the glass did break; windows pushing inward like bubbles released from
|
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rlm@0
|
285 a child's summer hand. The shards flew wildly, vengeful faeries, and Sakura
|
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rlm@0
|
286 reared back, watching Syaoran lift his arms in defense. She slipped past
|
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rlm@0
|
287 him like she was made of nothing.
|
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rlm@0
|
288 "Tomoyo," she whispered, so pained that she could not remember ever having
|
|
rlm@0
|
289 happiness. The new red kisses of blood on her skin and the crimson river
|
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rlm@0
|
290 falling between her legs did not concern her, instead she raised her hands
|
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rlm@0
|
291 to hold the emptiness tearing through her body like a tiger; she looked in
|
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rlm@0
|
292 Syaoran's dull brown eyes and saw fear there.
|
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rlm@0
|
293 'You!' she wanted to scream, to pour accusation on him, but Sakura was too
|
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rlm@0
|
294 full of her own sick guilt to blame anyone else. Instead, she turned and
|
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rlm@0
|
295 fled, silken camisole moving against her body like a dozen concerned hands.
|
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rlm@0
|
296 Down the stairs, her bare fee pounding mercilessly until they were too numb
|
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rlm@0
|
297 to feel the cold as she ran into the winter night. It was as if someone had
|
|
rlm@0
|
298 taken her hands, was leading her, and indeed she ran with them
|
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rlm@0
|
299 outstretched, ignorant of her final destination. The star-key dropped
|
|
rlm@0
|
300 against her chest in time with her heart beat, ringing against her ribcage
|
|
rlm@0
|
301 with finality. Then her hand was on a cold metal bar-- she was pushing open
|
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rlm@0
|
302 a glass door and hurrying into a place filled with bright lights and the
|
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rlm@0
|
303 sound of Tomoyo dying. Pushing through the crowd with hands that chilled
|
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rlm@0
|
304 all she moved aside, Sakura saw her best friend laid out of the blue and
|
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rlm@0
|
305 gold and white pattern tile, a sprawled and broken china doll. She was on
|
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rlm@0
|
306 her knees without thinking about it, Tomoyo's pale form closed within her
|
|
rlm@0
|
307 arms. The still girl stirred, turning her wide snow-touched star-light eyes
|
|
rlm@0
|
308 on the Card mistress, and Sakura almost cried; for Tomoyo's face was
|
|
rlm@0
|
309 filled with joy at seeing her.
|
|
rlm@0
|
310 "Sa..." Tomoyo's labored breathing swallowed the rest of the sound. Her
|
|
rlm@0
|
311 eyes slipped closed momentarily as sheer red flowed to her lips. They were
|
|
rlm@0
|
312 in a sea of red, Sakura realized, their blood mingling and staining
|
|
rlm@0
|
313 everything around them.
|
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rlm@0
|
314 "Tomoyo-chan," Sakura managed, holding the other girl's delicate fingers.
|
|
rlm@0
|
315 "Don't die," she said the dark-haired girl's name over and over again, as
|
|
rlm@0
|
316 if the chant could call her back into her body. "I'm so sorry. I was trying
|
|
rlm@0
|
317 to be something I'm not...," Sakura breathed in her tears until her throat
|
|
rlm@0
|
318 hurt with them, "Forgive me, I'll make it up to you."
|
|
rlm@0
|
319 "I told you to," Tomoyo's smile was pale as coral, but it was real; the
|
|
rlm@0
|
320 pieces of Sakura's heart dove in their own suicide to realize just how much
|
|
rlm@0
|
321 of a facade her friend's happiness had been. In death's gentle embrace, her
|
|
rlm@0
|
322 eyes were filled with unconditional love, "I said to Sakura-chan, 'Li-kun
|
|
rlm@0
|
323 loves you'. It's my fault." The words buried themselves in Sakura-- it was
|
|
rlm@0
|
324 the truth when neither of them knew it. Tomoyo's soft, cool hand was
|
|
rlm@0
|
325 against Sakura's cheek, and then tracing softly over her lips. "And I," she
|
|
rlm@0
|
326 managed to raise her head, lips so close to her friend that he Card
|
|
rlm@0
|
327 mistress more felt the confession than heard it;
|
|
rlm@0
|
328
|
|
rlm@0
|
329 "And I love Sakura."
|
|
rlm@0
|
330
|
|
rlm@0
|
331
|
|
rlm@0
|
332 ==============
|
|
rlm@0
|
333
|
|
rlm@0
|
334 DECEMBER 6th 2009
|
|
rlm@0
|
335
|
|
rlm@0
|
336
|
|
rlm@0
|
337 It was snowing again, falling through the window and collecting in
|
|
rlm@0
|
338 Sakura's lap. She knelt in her pajamas on the window seat, watching the
|
|
rlm@0
|
339 moon move through the clouds and feeling the cold slowly work is way into
|
|
rlm@0
|
340 her veins. The light behind her was dim, coloring her room a brown antique
|
|
rlm@0
|
341 photo; and the shadows seemed to move when they thought she wasn't looking.
|
|
rlm@0
|
342 "Sakura," Cerberus' two fine saber teeth lodged in her shirt, trying to
|
|
rlm@0
|
343 pull her away from the window; she only loosened his grip and absently
|
|
rlm@0
|
344 stroked his golden coat, barely registering sensation. A soft knock at the
|
|
rlm@0
|
345 door; no response, then a shaft of light annihilating the darkness.
|
|
rlm@0
|
346 "Imouto-chan..." this from another voice, and Sakura raised her head just
|
|
rlm@0
|
347 barely to meet her brother's gaze. Touya held the phone in his hand,
|
|
rlm@0
|
348 towards her and away from him. "It's Sonomi-san. She wants to talk to you."
|
|
rlm@0
|
349 Sakura allowed the phone to be placed in her still hands, her green eyes
|
|
rlm@0
|
350 like emerald windows that had been pulled tightly closed against the world.
|
|
rlm@0
|
351 "Ano..." Touya said, "Syaoran was here, earlier. I told him to come back
|
|
rlm@0
|
352 later."
|
|
rlm@0
|
353 For a moment, Sakura moved her lips without sound, before her voice
|
|
rlm@0
|
354 sounded like the high string on a cello-- sweet, but strangely low. "When
|
|
rlm@0
|
355 he comes again," she seemed ageless, eternity shivering by the window,
|
|
rlm@0
|
356 "tell him he knows why I will not see him, and shall never see him again.
|
|
rlm@0
|
357 Tell him I give him no blame, that it is not his fault. Tell him, also, to
|
|
rlm@0
|
358 go home and marry Meiling, that he might keep his honor and make her
|
|
rlm@0
|
359 happy." She turned her hand away, gazing at he bright round buttons of the
|
|
rlm@0
|
360 telephone, before raising it to her ear. Touya stood for a moment, stunned
|
|
rlm@0
|
361 by the chill in his little sister's eyes and voice, before pressing his
|
|
rlm@0
|
362 wide hand against her shoulder and retreating.
|
|
rlm@0
|
363
|
|
rlm@0
|
364 For a moment, there was only breathing on the line.
|
|
rlm@0
|
365 "Konbanwa, Sonomi-san," Sakura said, pressing her free hand to her mouth,
|
|
rlm@0
|
366 swallowing sob after sob.
|
|
rlm@0
|
367 "Oh, Sakura-chan," the voice of Tomoyo's mother was soothing and
|
|
rlm@0
|
368 discomforting at once. "I wanted to ask you, could you... would you please
|
|
rlm@0
|
369 speak at Tomoyo's funeral tomorrow?" Tears came like static on the line,
|
|
rlm@0
|
370 "She did love you so... I think it would make her happy."
|
|
rlm@0
|
371 "Of course, Sonomi-san," Sakura drew in a breath that caught in her
|
|
rlm@0
|
372 throat, "I would be honored. Tomoyo is..," her eyes closed to combat the
|
|
rlm@0
|
373 truth, "was so... very precious to me."
|
|
rlm@0
|
374 "Hai," they were both crying now, words distorted and raw, "There are
|
|
rlm@0
|
375 things here I think she would want you to have."
|
|
rlm@0
|
376 "I can't take anything from you, Sonomi-san," Sakura said honestly, her
|
|
rlm@0
|
377 hands fisting in Cerberus' fur. The seal beast rested his head in her lap,
|
|
rlm@0
|
378 making small feline noises of comfort. "Tomoyo was your daughter-- you
|
|
rlm@0
|
379 should have her things."
|
|
rlm@0
|
380 "But she would have wanted you to have something," Sonomi insisted, "She
|
|
rlm@0
|
381 cared about you so much." Sakura felt sure she'd been cut, sliced from
|
|
rlm@0
|
382 breast bone o navel with hurt. <What can I say?> she wondered. She wanted
|
|
rlm@0
|
383 to tell Sonomi the truth, to say, 'it is my hand that caused your
|
|
rlm@0
|
384 daughter's death-- it was I who loved her, and with my unconscious magic
|
|
rlm@0
|
385 bound her to me. It was also I who betrayed her with another, and killed
|
|
rlm@0
|
386 her.' Sakura strained her eyes in the dim light, focusing on the row of
|
|
rlm@0
|
387 dolls near her bed. She gazed at an ebony-haired, silken-bronze clad doll
|
|
rlm@0
|
388 with a suddenly watery memory of a smile; the doll has been a gift from
|
|
rlm@0
|
389 Tomoyo.
|
|
rlm@0
|
390 Drawing a breath, she whispered into the phone; "I will take only what you
|
|
rlm@0
|
391 want me to have."
|
|
rlm@0
|
392 "Thank you," said the older woman, "Sakura-chan, if you need to talk, I am
|
|
rlm@0
|
393 here. When my Nadeshiko died, I should have liked to have had someone to
|
|
rlm@0
|
394 confide in... I am here if you need me."
|
|
rlm@0
|
395 Sakura bit her lip, "You are in so much pain, and yet yu're trying to ease
|
|
rlm@0
|
396 mine. I hope I can return the favor."
|
|
rlm@0
|
397 "Just go on to be whatever it is Sakura is destined to be," the tiny,
|
|
rlm@0
|
398 disembodied voice entreated, "Tomoyo-chan wanted to see you shine."
|
|
rlm@0
|
399 It was a while before Sakura could speak past the blinding agony, "I will.
|
|
rlm@0
|
400 I promise. Good night, Sonomi-san."
|
|
rlm@0
|
401 "Good night, and thank you," the other voice returned, before the air was
|
|
rlm@0
|
402 still and dead. Sakura held the phone in both hands, looking down into
|
|
rlm@0
|
403 Cerberus' deep brown eyes.
|
|
rlm@0
|
404
|
|
rlm@0
|
405 "I did kill her, didn't I, Kero-chan?" Sakura's voice was soulless.
|
|
rlm@0
|
406 "You didn't mean to," the seal beast insisted.
|
|
rlm@0
|
407 "No," a sigh, "Everyone said to me, 'Syaoran loves you', and so I thought
|
|
rlm@0
|
408 I must love him too. I wanted so badly not to disappoint anyone. But..."
|
|
rlm@0
|
409 Sakura flung the phone away, watching it slide across the hard-wood floor
|
|
rlm@0
|
410 and spiral there. "I loved Tomoyo. I *love* Tomoyo," she breathed in the
|
|
rlm@0
|
411 present tense and all the hope it held. "I never let myself realize, I was
|
|
rlm@0
|
412 so scared of disappointing everyone."
|
|
rlm@0
|
413 "You were given a power you don't understand," Cerberus pointed out, "How
|
|
rlm@0
|
414 were you to know that your love for her bound you together?"
|
|
rlm@0
|
415 "I'm the one that cut the cord! Why did I go with Syaoran?" Sakura reached
|
|
rlm@0
|
416 blindly for the doll Tomoyo had given her, "The whole time I was there, I
|
|
rlm@0
|
417 knew everything was wrong. If I had left, or said no, Tomoyo-chan would
|
|
rlm@0
|
418 still be alive." Slowly, Sakura climbed to her feet, approaching her desk
|
|
rlm@0
|
419 on shaky legs. Her hands traced the rich cover of the book of Clow, and
|
|
rlm@0
|
420 Sakura Cards resting within. "Now I see why Clow wanted to be rid of this
|
|
rlm@0
|
421 power." Her hand reached for the small over-head lamp as she opened the
|
|
rlm@0
|
422 book, eyes roaming over the beautiful illustrations of power; all beautiful
|
|
rlm@0
|
423 lines and careful coloring. The thought was so sudden that Sakura stood
|
|
rlm@0
|
424 with the force of it, feeling the world fall away beneath her feet. "Clow
|
|
rlm@0
|
425 cheated Death," she murmured.
|
|
rlm@0
|
426 "Hai," said Cerberus without thinking. A low tiger chuckle emerged between
|
|
rlm@0
|
427 his teeth, "Death came to see Clow, once or twice. Knocked on the door--
|
|
rlm@0
|
428 nice and polite," he smiled at the memory, "but Clow was the most powerful
|
|
rlm@0
|
429 sorcerer ever. He only died when he was tired of his power." The seal beast
|
|
rlm@0
|
430 gazed at Sakura, suddenly aware of the present, "The most powerful
|
|
rlm@0
|
431 sorcerer, save you of course."
|
|
rlm@0
|
432 "I had never thought about living forever," Sakura's words drifted, "or
|
|
rlm@0
|
433 close to forever, anyway." She turned the pages of the book, faster and
|
|
rlm@0
|
434 faster until it was the sound of birds rustling. With awe, she touched over
|
|
rlm@0
|
435 the beautiful faces of the Light and the Dark, "I can save her."
|
|
rlm@0
|
436 Cerberus stared at his Mistress for a moment, before venturing, "You'll
|
|
rlm@0
|
437 have wait, a very long time."
|
|
rlm@0
|
438 "I can learn to wait," Sakura murmured. Her hand was on the key, which
|
|
rlm@0
|
439 swiftly became her staff; she was bounding towards the open window. Her
|
|
rlm@0
|
440 toes touched the windowsill and she leapt out into the night with the Fly
|
|
rlm@0
|
441 card giving her staff wings. Raising her eyes to the moon, Sakura cried her
|
|
rlm@0
|
442 happiness. Tomoyo had waited so long for her, without ever expecting
|
|
rlm@0
|
443 fulfillment-- could not Sakura do the same?
|
|
rlm@0
|
444
|
|
rlm@0
|
445
|
|
rlm@0
|
446
|
|
rlm@0
|
447
|
|
rlm@0
|
448 The mortician had curled Tomoyo's hair loosely, draping the deep lavender
|
|
rlm@0
|
449 near the girl's neck to cover the scars from the autopsy. Reverently,
|
|
rlm@0
|
450 Sakura touched the corpse's pale cheek, feeling the void left by Tomoyo's
|
|
rlm@0
|
451 soul. Without the shimmer of the girl inside, the body was husk, a poor
|
|
rlm@0
|
452 imitation. With a hiss, she bit her lip, remembering what the doctors had
|
|
rlm@0
|
453 officially reported. A rare disease-- the collection of blood in the lungs.
|
|
rlm@0
|
454 Tomoyo had drowned to death in her own blood; but the doctors didn't know
|
|
rlm@0
|
455 the real reason why. A sob locked in Sakura's throat; Tomoyo didn't look
|
|
rlm@0
|
456 like she was sleeping, or even alive at all, only empty, empty. Moving the
|
|
rlm@0
|
457 lid of the casket away, Sakura reached for her key.
|
|
rlm@0
|
458 "Oh key that holds the power of the Stars," she chanted, hanging ont the
|
|
rlm@0
|
459 words with her sanity, "reveal to me thy true form. By the pledge between
|
|
rlm@0
|
460 us, Sakura doth command! RELEASE!" The breeze settled, and Sakura felt
|
|
rlm@0
|
461 oddly alone-- always, Tomoyo had been by her side, taping and observing her
|
|
rlm@0
|
462 magic. Swallowing her sickness, she lifted the first of the cards.
|
|
rlm@0
|
463 "CREATE-- make for me a box worthy of holding Tomoyo's heart!" A deep
|
|
rlm@0
|
464 breath, and she set the new silver chest aside. "FREEZE-- keep Tomoyo's
|
|
rlm@0
|
465 body young forever!" Finally, she raised her right hand high, "SWORD!"
|
|
rlm@0
|
466 With her eyes firmly fixed on the empty visage of her beautiful best
|
|
rlm@0
|
467 friend, Sakura lifted the sword.
|
|
rlm@0
|
468 "I love you, Tomoyo."
|
|
rlm@0
|
469 And she drove the blade in next to Tomoyo's heart.
|
|
rlm@0
|
470
|
|
rlm@0
|
471
|
|
rlm@0
|
472
|
|
rlm@0
|
473 =================
|
|
rlm@0
|
474
|
|
rlm@0
|
475 DECEMBER 5th, 2109
|
|
rlm@0
|
476 Tomoeda, Japan
|
|
rlm@0
|
477
|
|
rlm@0
|
478 Once, the area had been the site of an amusement park in bright colored
|
|
rlm@0
|
479 plastics, with children laughing loud into the wind. Before that-- though
|
|
rlm@0
|
480 no one in Tomoeda had a memory extending that far-- an old, towering
|
|
rlm@0
|
481 mansion had rested on the land. Now both were long gone, bull-dozed in turn
|
|
rlm@0
|
482 for progress, and for some twenty years, wild vines and trees had retaken
|
|
rlm@0
|
483 the place. The earth easily forgets humanity. In recent years, it had
|
|
rlm@0
|
484 become the site of a new building project that had the citizens of Tomoeda
|
|
rlm@0
|
485 talking; even the children that climbed the old and faded King Penguin had
|
|
rlm@0
|
486 whispered amongst each other. Gradually, a house seemed to grow from the
|
|
rlm@0
|
487 ground; yellow, with a porch that circled it and turrets as fine for any
|
|
rlm@0
|
488 castle. It became the home of a rich young heiress by the name of Kinomoto
|
|
rlm@0
|
489 Sakura, and if there had ever been another young girl with bright green
|
|
rlm@0
|
490 eyes, a cheerful spirit and whispering brown hair... well, there was no one
|
|
rlm@0
|
491 around to remember her. She looked not a day over sixteen, this young
|
|
rlm@0
|
492 woman, though she insisted she was twenty-two, and as far as anyone knew,
|
|
rlm@0
|
493 she lived in the house by herself. Sometimes, people said they heard voices
|
|
rlm@0
|
494 drifting down from the house, but that was just talk. At first, the towns
|
|
rlm@0
|
495 people resented Kinomoto-san in a way, but she gave generously to the
|
|
rlm@0
|
496 drill team and cheer-leading club at the elementary school, and she seemed
|
|
rlm@0
|
497 to love the town as much as they did. Gradually, she became a regular
|
|
rlm@0
|
498 fixture, and people felt free to wave or greet her on the street. However,
|
|
rlm@0
|
499 only children really seemed at ease with her; perhaps because, despite her
|
|
rlm@0
|
500 powerful baring, she was still so much a child herself.
|
|
rlm@0
|
501
|
|
rlm@0
|
502
|
|
rlm@0
|
503
|
|
rlm@0
|
504
|
|
rlm@0
|
505 It was there on the calendar in thick, neat Kanji, some of it spilling
|
|
rlm@0
|
506 over into the next neatly lined square.
|
|
rlm@0
|
507 "December 5th," Cerberus read what his mistress had written, standing on
|
|
rlm@0
|
508 his hunches to see, "Tomoyo died. Please come back, Tomoyo." The name was
|
|
rlm@0
|
509 in friendly Hirigana, a little school-girl style heart draw cradled in the
|
|
rlm@0
|
510 'to'. "Todays the day," he said, padding across the kitchen tile towards
|
|
rlm@0
|
511 his companion, "Think she'll realize it when she wakes up?"
|
|
rlm@0
|
512 Perched on a stool near the counter, Yue tossed a lock of moon-white hair
|
|
rlm@0
|
513 and snorted, "Of course she knows, my furry friend. As if she hasn't been
|
|
rlm@0
|
514 watching the calendar like a hawk."
|
|
rlm@0
|
515 "Hai, hai," there was a flash, and Cerberus flitted into his smaller form,
|
|
rlm@0
|
516 alighting on Yue's shoulder. "I'm just a little worried, though. She hasn't
|
|
rlm@0
|
517 even mentioned it."
|
|
rlm@0
|
518 Yue rolled his eyes, "This is a very big thing-- very personal. She's
|
|
rlm@0
|
519 probably nervous. I think maybe we should..."
|
|
rlm@0
|
520 "Ohayo, Yue-san," the Card Mistress' voice rang clear in the cool winter
|
|
rlm@0
|
521 kitchen. She smiled just a little bit, standing in the doorway with the
|
|
rlm@0
|
522 rainbow lights of the sun catcher playing over her body. With a practiced
|
|
rlm@0
|
523 air, she plucked Cerberus from the air, "Ohayo, Kero-chan." Ignoring the
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|
rlm@0
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524 looks her friends gave her, Sakura padded towards the cupboard, pulling on
|
|
rlm@0
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525 her silken pajama top. Cutlery and china began to chime together-- the
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|
rlm@0
|
526 sounds of breakfast being made.
|
|
rlm@0
|
527 "Ohayo, Sakura-sama," Yue offered, stretching his wings and barely
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rlm@0
|
528 managing not to over turn the stool. "Kero-chan and I were just talking. We
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|
rlm@0
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529 thought perhaps we would let you have the house to yourself today and check
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rlm@0
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530 out the old haunts-- the temple, the park..."
|
|
rlm@0
|
531 "Hey," Kero back stroked in the air, "As long as we buy some of that
|
|
rlm@0
|
532 really good Pocky from the corner store, I'm happy." Yue batted at him
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|
rlm@0
|
533 absently, watching as his Mistress turned away from the oven. There were
|
|
rlm@0
|
534 tears back-lighted emerald by her eyes, just barely swimming over her
|
|
rlm@0
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535 lashes.
|
|
rlm@0
|
536 "Arigato, Yue-san," her smile was gentle and thankful, "That's very kind
|
|
rlm@0
|
537 of you."
|
|
rlm@0
|
538 "Don't mention it," Kero accepted the small pancakes Sakura offered out,
|
|
rlm@0
|
539 "It was my idea." Expertly, he dodged Yue's hand, holding out a slice of
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|
rlm@0
|
540 pancake to the young man.
|
|
rlm@0
|
541 "I detest food," Yue returned, before turning back to Sakura, "Anyway, I
|
|
rlm@0
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542 think we'll go right now." Sakura nodded softly and watched her two
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|
rlm@0
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543 companions drift out into the hallway. A moment later, she heard the door
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rlm@0
|
544 close, and her body slumped against the counter. Gathering her strength,
|
|
rlm@0
|
545 she moved to sit at the table, picking at her food with a hopeless,
|
|
rlm@0
|
546 disinterested chop-sticks. Around her, the world was a comfortable new day
|
|
rlm@0
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547 yellow-- outside the window, the sun touched the morning sky opal, and the
|
|
rlm@0
|
548 bare trees rose beautiful. Finally, Sakura pushed herself away from the
|
|
rlm@0
|
549 table and moved towards the back door on unsteady legs.
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|
rlm@0
|
550
|
|
rlm@0
|
551 Outside, the winter are was crisp and real on Sakura's skin-- she breathed
|
|
rlm@0
|
552 and watched small white air-flowers bloom. Trotting down the cobble stone
|
|
rlm@0
|
553 path, she moved into the green house, her hands touching lightly on the
|
|
rlm@0
|
554 roses, nadeshikos and lilies that grew there. In truth, she felt a little
|
|
rlm@0
|
555 silly, a little too much like Eriol-- living in her mansion house and
|
|
rlm@0
|
556 playing the recluse. She loved the people of her home town and tried to
|
|
rlm@0
|
557 mingle with them when she could, but they always seemed a little wary. As
|
|
rlm@0
|
558 she plucked a yellow rose to match the morning, Sakura supposed she didn't
|
|
rlm@0
|
559 blame them. She had left scarcely a year after Tomoyo's death, wanting her
|
|
rlm@0
|
560 memories of home to be pleasant, and not back-dropped with odd glances and
|
|
rlm@0
|
561 whispers of suspicion as she failed to age or change. She returned only
|
|
rlm@0
|
562 briefly for her father's funeral, and then for Sonomi-san's and, in the
|
|
rlm@0
|
563 mean time, she traveled. She had been to London, to New York, Paris and
|
|
rlm@0
|
564 even back to Hong Kong for the wedding of Syaoran and Meiling's
|
|
rlm@0
|
565 grand-daughter, Shaiming. Staying in one place for very long was never an
|
|
rlm@0
|
566 option, but she grew to enjoy the different landscapes of her life, all the
|
|
rlm@0
|
567 while longing for the day when the mystery aboard each boat or train or jet
|
|
rlm@0
|
568 she took would not be "who is that pretty young woman?", but "did you see
|
|
rlm@0
|
569 that beautiful pale woman and her friend? I wonder who they are". In a way,
|
|
rlm@0
|
570 she feared her hundred years of living would make her feel separate from
|
|
rlm@0
|
571 Tomoyo-- put distance between them, that they would no longer be able to be
|
|
rlm@0
|
572 friends. Still, the words of her gentle best friend ("There is no one I
|
|
rlm@0
|
573 want to be with more thn Sakura-chan") would come to her at night, and she
|
|
rlm@0
|
574 would dream of adventures for the both of them. Tomoyo had always seemed
|
|
rlm@0
|
575 ageless-- perhaps she and Sakura had finally caught up.
|
|
rlm@0
|
576
|
|
rlm@0
|
577 Smiling lightly, Sakura carried her armful of flowers back to the house,
|
|
rlm@0
|
578 waving at the young school girls as they passed.
|
|
rlm@0
|
579 "Ohayo, Kinomoto-san!" one voice raised itself above the rest, and the
|
|
rlm@0
|
580 owner lingered by the hedge.
|
|
rlm@0
|
581 "Good morning to you, too, Asahi-san," Sakura greeted, patting the girl's
|
|
rlm@0
|
582 ebony braids with affection, "How are you?"
|
|
rlm@0
|
583 "I'm fine," Asahi chirped, her lop-sided red winter coat making her look
|
|
rlm@0
|
584 like a robin, "You look very happy, Kinomoto-san. How are you?"
|
|
rlm@0
|
585 "I'm well," Sakura felt a slight blush, "and I am happy. A friend of mine
|
|
rlm@0
|
586 will be returning today. It has been a long time since I've seen her."
|
|
rlm@0
|
587 "Really?" Asahi enthused, "Can I meet her?"
|
|
rlm@0
|
588 "I hope so..." Sakura looked away, "though perhaps she may not want to
|
|
rlm@0
|
589 stay. I have wronged her in the past, and hope to make up to her."
|
|
rlm@0
|
590 "Why didn't you see her earlier?" the younger girl inquired.
|
|
rlm@0
|
591 "Ah," Sakura laughed, mostly at herself, "We've had to wait-- I do miss
|
|
rlm@0
|
592 her so much."
|
|
rlm@0
|
593 "Well," Asahi pressed a finger to her lip, considering, "Even if my mother
|
|
rlm@0
|
594 says you are strange, Kinomoto-san, I don't see how any one could not like
|
|
rlm@0
|
595 you. I am sure your friend will stay!"
|
|
rlm@0
|
596 "Thank you, Asahi-san," Sakura murmured, selecting a yellow rose and
|
|
rlm@0
|
597 several small white flowers from her load. "That makes me feel a lot
|
|
rlm@0
|
598 better." Handing the small bouquet over the hedge, Sakura suggested, "Why
|
|
rlm@0
|
599 don't you take these to put in your class room. It'll help brighten up
|
|
rlm@0
|
600 winter."
|
|
rlm@0
|
601 "Thank *you*, Kinomoto-san!" Asahi clasped the blooms to her heart, "It's
|
|
rlm@0
|
602 the last day before break! I can't wait! Winter break is magic!" With that,
|
|
rlm@0
|
603 the young girl turned and ran pell-mell down the street, pausing at the
|
|
rlm@0
|
604 corner to look back and wave.
|
|
rlm@0
|
605 "Don't forget to button your coat!" Sakura called after her, "It's cold
|
|
rlm@0
|
606 out!"
|
|
rlm@0
|
607 "Look who's in their nightgown!" Asahi shouted in return, giggling. Their
|
|
rlm@0
|
608 laughter rang the bare tree branches.
|
|
rlm@0
|
609 "Winter break is magic," Sakura murmured, sobering. Turning, she went back
|
|
rlm@0
|
610 into the house, knowing she could not make herself wait any longer.
|
|
rlm@0
|
611
|
|
rlm@0
|
612
|
|
rlm@0
|
613 In Tibet, Sakura had met a young woman who painted other people's sadness,
|
|
rlm@0
|
614 so that they might look at it objectively. The Card Mistress kept her
|
|
rlm@0
|
615 painting in a large, unused bedroom, mounted over a table on which stood a
|
|
rlm@0
|
616 fine silver box. The canvas was coated with both longing and beauty; it was
|
|
rlm@0
|
617 a portrait almost identical to Tomoyo, a young woman with long
|
|
rlm@0
|
618 black-lavander hair standing by a window, cloak wrapped around her and
|
|
rlm@0
|
619 gazing out to the winter sea. There were other things Sakura kept in the
|
|
rlm@0
|
620 bedroom as well. A video camera, tapes, sewing supplies, and stacks upon
|
|
rlm@0
|
621 stacks of journals and sketchbooks-- those things given to her by Sonomi
|
|
rlm@0
|
622 after Tomoyo's funeral. Without realizing she was crying, Sakura placed the
|
|
rlm@0
|
623 flowers in a vase on the nightstand, smoothing the coverlet on the bed.
|
|
rlm@0
|
624 There were fine velvet draps over the windows, rows of beautiful dolls on
|
|
rlm@0
|
625 the wall, waiting for an owner. On the dresser, there were baubles of every
|
|
rlm@0
|
626 kind, jewlery and trinkets selected for someone special. All these things,
|
|
rlm@0
|
627 Sakura had collected, always thinking of Tomoyo-- and yet, now all she
|
|
rlm@0
|
628 wanted was to run through the street with her friend, to play ring around
|
|
rlm@0
|
629 the rosy in the park and fall down upon each other.
|
|
rlm@0
|
630
|
|
rlm@0
|
631 "Oh, key that hides the power of the stars," Sakura began, lifting the lid
|
|
rlm@0
|
632 of the silver box and gazing in on the thing preserved so perfectly in ice.
|
|
rlm@0
|
633 A heart, the most perfect one-- for it was Tomoyo's. "I call upon Dark and
|
|
rlm@0
|
634 Light, I call upon Life! Give form to the woman who's heart has waited so
|
|
rlm@0
|
635 long! Give life to someone who was robbed of it so young! I call upon the
|
|
rlm@0
|
636 heavens-- once more give body to the spirit of Daidouji Tomoyo!"
|
|
rlm@0
|
637
|
|
rlm@0
|
638 There was a moment when the room seemed terribly vacant-- as void as the
|
|
rlm@0
|
639 corpse Sakura had watched buried so long ago. Then, an impossible breeze,
|
|
rlm@0
|
640 brushing her short hair against her chin, and... Tomoyo. The pale girl
|
|
rlm@0
|
641 stood still and bare, marveling at her hands, her long arms; her hair moved
|
|
rlm@0
|
642 about her like a thing alive. Someone gasped, someone else cried out--
|
|
rlm@0
|
643 Tomoyo's gray gaze met Sakura's own.
|
|
rlm@0
|
644 "Sakura-chan," Tomoyo's voice was clear and distinct, a perfect crystal
|
|
rlm@0
|
645 note, "You brought me back. Your magic," there was a smile, and that joy
|
|
rlm@0
|
646 Sakura thought she'd never see again-- Tomoyo was happy to see her! "I
|
|
rlm@0
|
647 didn't think... after I told you..."
|
|
rlm@0
|
648 Sakura swallowed painfully, "Tomoyo-- it was my fault... it wasn't just
|
|
rlm@0
|
649 your love, it was mine!" Tears now, ringing with laughter, and still they
|
|
rlm@0
|
650 stood apart. Neither dared to touch the other, each watching, each sure her
|
|
rlm@0
|
651 hand would find a ghost. "My love tried to keep you with me. I was
|
|
rlm@0
|
652 selfish--"
|
|
rlm@0
|
653 "I wanted Sakura-chan to be happy," Tomoyo confessed, " I thought Syaoran
|
|
rlm@0
|
654 would do that for you."
|
|
rlm@0
|
655 "I know," Sakura reached out her shaking fingers, finally tangling them in
|
|
rlm@0
|
656 Tomoyo's soft hair, "It's okay. Even I didn't know what I really wanted."
|
|
rlm@0
|
657 Stepping forward, Sakura stood in the circle of Tomoyo's open arms,
|
|
rlm@0
|
658 bringing her mouth close the other girl's ear to deliver the words. A
|
|
rlm@0
|
659 whisper, "I love you, Tomoyo. Maybe we won't always be happy---"
|
|
rlm@0
|
660 "I have only wanted Sakura to be happy," Tomoyo cradled the other girl's
|
|
rlm@0
|
661 cheek, "but I would be happy, sad or anything in between with my Sakura."
|
|
rlm@0
|
662 Embracing the other woman, Sakura began to cry in earnest, pressing her
|
|
rlm@0
|
663 lips to Tomoyo's stainless palms.
|
|
rlm@0
|
664
|
|
rlm@0
|
665
|
|
rlm@0
|
666 OWARI
|
|
rlm@0
|
667
|
|
rlm@0
|
668 |
