rlm@0: ---------------------------------------------
rlm@0: Conjure Me 1/1
rlm@0: by Meredith Bronwen Mallory
rlm@0: mallorys-girl@cinci.rr.com
rlm@0: ---------------------------------------------
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: DECEMBER 5th 2009
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  They walked hand in hand; though hers was cold as ice to him and she found
rlm@0: his to be uncomfortably sweaty. Heat rising from a swamp, ready to smother.
rlm@0: Her hands were strong, well formed and colored like light brushing against
rlm@0: a peach. Capable. Somehow, Sakura felt all that go away, when he wrapped
rlm@0: his calloused fingers around her hand; she thought perhaps he was drawing
rlm@0: the magic out of her, a little bit at a time. That was silly, of course;
rlm@0: they were just holding hands. Boyfriend and girlfriend, walking out under
rlm@0: the cold winter stars as their breaths released in little clouds. Snow
rlm@0: whirled about, caught in her auburn hair and pressed against her red coat
rlm@0: with the golden buttons. She laughed and, taking the opportunity to
rlm@0: disengage her hand, ran ahead, twirling when she reached a fork in the
rlm@0: path. Head tilted back, she opened her mouth like a child waiting for a
rlm@0: spoonful of powered sugar. The moon was a pale sliver, the delicate
rlm@0: crescent of a fingertip.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  Tomoyo blazed before her eyes, an inadvertent thought, but somehow more
rlm@0: real. The moon was a bright distant point of light in her best friendıs fey
rlm@0: eyes. She thought about last night, Tomoyoıs soft, cool hand in Sakuraıs
rlm@0: own, smiling as they turned and turned, making the world move on their own
rlm@0: axis. Then, rather than falling apart, they had pulled together and sunken
rlm@0: to their knees in the soft snow. Hands coming together, Tomoyoıs face
rlm@0: pillowed on Sakuraıs shoulder. And then, for some reason, Sakura buried her
rlm@0: face in her best friendıs hair, lost in an endless river of ebony and
rlm@0: violet.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  ³Hoe,² a soft, incredulous breath, coming in time with the color rising to
rlm@0: her cheeks. She realized belatedly that she had been standing still for
rlm@0: quite some time, and now Syaoran stood ahead of her waiting. Flashing him
rlm@0: an apologetic smile, she hurried to catch up. A cloud draped itself over
rlm@0: the moon, making the shapes in the park less familiar. When Sakura was
rlm@0: close enough, Syaoran took her hand again.
rlm@0:  ³Letıs do something different tonight,² Syaoran suggested, turning to
rlm@0: Sakura with eyes that looked empty in the moonlight.
rlm@0:  ³Nani? What do you mean?² absently, she looked at her watch. The hand and
rlm@0: shadow fell to nine oıclock.
rlm@0:  ³I donıt know,² he said in a tone that meant he did, ³Do you want to come
rlm@0: to my apartment? You could  call your dad, tell him youıll be a little
rlm@0: late.² There was something, something in her chest, dark and slithering.
rlm@0: She didnıt know what it was.
rlm@0:  ³Alright,² her voice was quiet. They continued in a different direction,
rlm@0: still holding hands.
rlm@0:  She was sixteen years old.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: ~
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  Tomoyo walked carefully in the snow, feeling transported. Trees rose
rlm@0: against the star-filled sky, looking like twisted, polished question marks.
rlm@0: Not even the lights of the city could change the strange, alien feeling
rlm@0: that dipped like a scythe against her ribs. The people sharing the sidewalk
rlm@0: seemed somehow more removed, colorless almost,  though she told herself
rlm@0: that was only her loneliness seeping through. It bled like that, spreading
rlm@0: outward like a flower, anti-survival, pulling thorns inward. Shivering,
rlm@0: Tomoyo pulled her coat and moon-spangled scarf closer. Her dress, long and
rlm@0: red velvet, brushed against the backs of her legs, in time with the soft
rlm@0: click of her shoes. That was the rhythm, sudden and very overwheliming:
rlm@0: click - clack, click- clack, click - clack. Up beat, down beat. She paused,
rlm@0: oblivious to the pedestrians that pushed around her. Slim, china-white
rlm@0: fingers pressed against her temples, massaging there for a moment before
rlm@0: she continued onward. She thought about Sakura; Sakuraıs hair sliding
rlm@0: through the brush, Sakuraıs slim shoulders encased in green that matched
rlm@0: her eyes. Sakura, smiling, saying she had a date with Syaoran tonight, but
rlm@0: tomorrow she would take Tomoyo down town and theyıd have fun shopping.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  Yesterday with Sakura, walking through a corridor of ebony trees, snow
rlm@0: dripping off their branches like strings of glass beads. They had not
rlm@0: seemed like question marks then, but rather totems raised for Sakura,
rlm@0: supporting a palace that had never been built. The wind had moved around
rlm@0: the two of them like a river current, rising against Tomoyoıs cheek bones--
rlm@0: a longed-for touch-- pushing the clouds across the moon and then away
rlm@0: again. Sakura had turned towards Tomoyo, smiling, her emerald eyes like the
rlm@0: depths of the ocean in the darkness. Glory had pushed up through Tomoyo
rlm@0: then, sung in her veins, and as always there was no where for it to go. It
rlm@0: cycled through her, refined each time it passed through her heart, the same
rlm@0: as the blood in her veins. Her throat tightened miserably, all the words
rlm@0: that tangled there seemed stupid and inexpressive. Sheıd searched Sakuraıs
rlm@0: face for understanding, some hint of... there were no words for what she
rlm@0: was looking for. Her hands had gripped Sakuraıs and then, by some unspoken
rlm@0: agreement, they began to turn, round and round, never getting anywhere, but
rlm@0: pulling in towards each other. When they fell to the ground, Tomoyo had
rlm@0: laid her head on her friendıs shoulder, gripping the other girlıs coat with
rlm@0: hands that felt like they would break.
rlm@0:  Sheıd said, ³Sakura...²
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  ³Silly, jealous girl,² she murmured to herself.  She forced herself to see
rlm@0: Sakura, happy and smiling on her wedding day, veil thrown over her face
rlm@0: like whatever it was that kept her from seeing the truth.  Syaoran would
rlm@0: stand just-so beside her, not smiling because he never smiled, but still
rlm@0: looking like he was happy, looking like he would take care of Sakura. And
rlm@0: herself, somewhere in the background; the one who organized everything, the
rlm@0: one who wiped tears off Sakura's face when she said she was scared and
rlm@0: didn't know if she could go through with the wedding. Always, Tomoyo held
rlm@0: this vision out to herself, but whether it was a promise or a threat even
rlm@0: she didn't know. Presently, the wind pushed the snow against her in a gush,
rlm@0: like the tiny frozen wings of butterflies. Tomoyo breathed deeply, and the
rlm@0: pinch of the scythe became just a little bit stronger.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: ~
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  Her coat was tossed haphazardly in the easy chair, her shoes --black
rlm@0: patenleather with dainty straps-- sat patiently like twin dogs beside
rlm@0: Syaoran's thick sneakers. Sakura saw none of these things, but later she
rlm@0: would remember the placement of everything in the room as one remembers the
rlm@0: stillness of the world before a tornado. She waited for the windows to blow
rlm@0: inward, glass shards like knives ready to cut to the quick. Instead, the
rlm@0: color simply drained from the room; no more blue sofa, brown coffee-table,
rlm@0: green carpet, black-yellow-brown-blue-red pictures of relatives from China.
rlm@0: Only Syaoran's hands retained their color, looking somehow like menacing
rlm@0: claws as they hang suspended before her chest.
rlm@0:  "Ano..." he said, and his hands shook with the words. She realized she
rlm@0: hadn't been looking at his face. How strange this felt, like someone else's
rlm@0: life. He wanted her to say something, but there didn't seem to be anything
rlm@0: inside her anymore-- not even a voice. Wasn't she supposed to feel like she
rlm@0: was flying, like she was going to come apart if he didn't touch her and
rlm@0: kiss her? Wasn't that in all the movies and the books and the pictures of
rlm@0: pretty shoujo heroines in the final panels of manga? This was it, the rose
rlm@0: petals would fall across the screen, the hero and heroine would tumble
rlm@0: gracefully onto the bed, like dancers. Perhaps, she thought, it takes a
rlm@0: little while to build up. So she lifted her lips like she did when she
rlm@0: smiled and nodded her head. He moved his fingers to the neckline of her
rlm@0: dress-- the pink one with the red ribbons that Tomoyo had made-- and
rlm@0: carefully slipped a button loose while he made a little breathy noise that
rlm@0: sounded like "Sakura" or the brush of dried leaves on cold stone.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  Tomoyo had laid her head on Sakura's shoulder, lips pressed into Sakura's
rlm@0: scarf as she breathed words there. There was something rhythmic to it, an
rlm@0: ancient chant, and Tomoyo's body had moved with it, arms snaking around
rlm@0: Sakura's waist.
rlm@0:  "Daijobu?" Sakura could not remember asking the question, but a small
rlm@0: flower of warm air bloomed in the cold, and Tomoyo's body stiffened, so she
rlm@0: must have said something like that.
rlm@0:  "I want to tell you something," Tomoyo had said, "I want to..." Her breath
rlm@0: had shuddered, even as Sakura stroked her hair, "but I can't."
rlm@0:  "Naze?" a little broken word. Tomoyo slipped gracefully from Sakura's
rlm@0: arms, her violet-ebony hair falling about her like folded wings. She smiled
rlm@0: and it looked painful, and her body was like something that could not be
rlm@0: held. Fragility. There was steel underneath, though; it was the color of
rlm@0: Tomoyo's eyes. She offered her hand, white as the moon on snow, and helped
rlm@0: Sakura stand.
rlm@0:  One of them said, "let's go get something to eat"; as if nothing had
rlm@0: happened.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  Now they were moving towards the bedroom, Syaoran lifting Sakura into his
rlm@0: arms. Her legs were polished and long-- too long, apparently-- and she had
rlm@0: a hard time shifting her weight against Syaoran's chest. He was down to his
rlm@0: boxers, she clad only in the creamy silk shift with its lace of growing,
rlm@0: virginal flowers.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: ~
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  Tomoyo tested out a smile, looking at the reflection of her face in the
rlm@0: display window. Behind her ethereal image, there cookies, pies and delicate
rlm@0: pastries, festive and brightly lit. The smile faltered, then died
rlm@0: altogether as Tomoyo attempted to brush away the warm image that rose like
rlm@0: a seductress from a bed of silk. Her mind held out the possibility,
rlm@0: impossibility, of a table spanned with candles and good food, set before
rlm@0: herself and Sakura as they reclined in one another's arms. Her mask
rlm@0: crumbled momentarily, her mouth pouted and her eyes closed to hold back
rlm@0: tears, but it was gone so quickly that Tomoyo was able to tell herself it
rlm@0: hadn't happened. Her heart fluttered weakly within its cage, its protests
rlm@0: lost as she pushed the thoughts from her mind. Things that happened without
rlm@0: Sakura were in parentheses, and there for didn't count. Instead, Tomoyo
rlm@0: turned on her heel and headed into the shop, entering with the cold breeze
rlm@0: as her fanfare. She didn't even noticed as her blood ebbed more slowly in
rlm@0: her veins.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: ~
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  It took only three of Syaoran's heavy steps down the hallway and they were
rlm@0: there, poised in the threshold of his room. She tried to smile up at him,
rlm@0: but he wasn't even looking at her, and when he tried to move he ended up
rlm@0: ramming her hip into the doorframe. Now he was looking at her, lukewarm
rlm@0: brown eyes narrowing in concern. Sakura bit her lip so hard she tasted her
rlm@0: own bitter wine, but muttered a 'don't worry' to his apology. He put her
rlm@0: down on the bed, moving her legs so that they were uncrossed, situating her
rlm@0: like a china doll. His hands, big, calloused and sweaty, reached for the
rlm@0: hem of her slip, lifting it ever so slightly before she cried out.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: ~
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  "Can I get you something, miss?"
rlm@0:  "Just a cup of tea, with honey, and..." Tomoyo raised her hand
rlm@0: instinctively to cover her mouth, then coughed delicately into the white
rlm@0: fabric on her palm. She put her hand down quickly, "and a few of those
rlm@0: chocolate chip cookies." The tea was in a little china cup lined with gold,
rlm@0: the cookies laid on a paper doily; three of them. Syaoran and Sakura and
rlm@0: Tomoyo. She carried them carefully to a little round table, crossing her
rlm@0: legs as she sat, trying to quell another cough. Raising the cup to her
rlm@0: lips, she thought of a dress design like poetry, seams fitting together in
rlm@0: careful black, green and gold, silently complimenting the depths of
rlm@0: Sakura's shadowed, jungle eyes. Another idea swept away the last, this time
rlm@0: a great embroidered gold dragon curling about Sakura's neck line. The
rlm@0: images were vivid, making her fingers itch, so that Tomoyo did not see the
rlm@0: blood she coughed up into her glove.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: ~
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  Syaoran's eyes were narrowed until it looked like he couldn't see anything
rlm@0: at all, but Sakura kept her face determined and her hands hard as she
rlm@0: loosened his grip on the slip.
rlm@0:  "Something wrong?" His words were blunt, cutting.
rlm@0:  "Iie..," Sakura shook her fire-brown locks, "but we can do..." there were
rlm@0: words for it, of course, but she somehow couldn't bring herself to use any
rlm@0: of them, "without taking this off."
rlm@0:  "Alright," he said, and she smiled because she somehow wanted to protect
rlm@0: herself from him. In the next moment, she turned her lips down, remembering
rlm@0: the long monologues of praise in the romance novels-- how the heroine
rlm@0: wanted her man to have everything of her, that she wanted to share with
rlm@0: him, her whole self. She couldn't hold onto it, any of it, so detached was
rlm@0: she. Syaoran took off his boxers, dropping them beside the bed; she slipped
rlm@0: off her underwear then tossed them, trying to be decadent, to celebrate her
rlm@0: loss, and the white scrap of cloth flew through the air like a kamikaze
rlm@0: bird.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  'Someone', Tomoyo thought suddenly, wildly, 'is ripping me open and sewing
rlm@0: me back up'. An ill tide rose in her being, so swift and powerful that all
rlm@0: at once she couldn't remember what it was like to not have pain. There was
rlm@0: pain, everywhere, the bright, functional needles of a sewing machine.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  His breathing was the sound of metal on metal, sword on sword. Sakura
rlm@0: moved backwards, feeling the pillows pressing into her back, hands offering
rlm@0: her up for sacrifice. Syaoran's nails were rough on her skin, cutting
rlm@0: without leaving a mark. Now the pillows would give way no more and her head
rlm@0: was pressed against the merciless wall. She had a sudden, insane image of
rlm@0: her mother like this: cornered and crying inside.
rlm@0:  "This isn't it," Sakura imaged her saying, her long hair moving to cover
rlm@0: her body in vain, "this isn't, isn't it."
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  She was being pressed in the gears, drawn out like a piece of thread and
rlm@0: pinned down again and again. Tomoyo's pretty, gloved hands rose, like the
rlm@0: fluttering of doves wings, to touch her burning cheeks. She felt the damp
rlm@0: palm of her right fingers, looked down to see them colored in red. As if
rlm@0: Sakura had kissed them with lipstick, her traitorous mind supplied. A sound
rlm@0: devoid of happiness burst from Tomoyo's lungs; she laughed because she knew
rlm@0: she was dying, knew that Sakura would never touch her and now and forever
rlm@0: there was really no chance. Strange, how she'd never really admitted it.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  Sakura said the words, over and over; "this isn't it, this isn't it". They
rlm@0: were heavy on her tongue and quick to fly, she was crying without shedding
rlm@0: any tears.
rlm@0:  Syaoran said, "I'm not going to hurt you." As if he hadn't already.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  Tomoyo's laugh rose, filled the small cafe until she felt the gazes of
rlm@0: strangers slithering over her body. Biting down on her lip and swallowing
rlm@0: her voice, she tasted her own blood and a touch of the ocean. Salt water;
rlm@0: her tears. Fingers, stained and trembling felt against her face as though
rlm@0: she was a blind woman. The world blurred and blurred with her pain (God,
rlm@0: she didn't even know what was happening), and at last the beating of her
rlm@0: lungs forced her to open her mouth. Tomoyo coughed, and blood fell from her
rlm@0: lips like grotesque rain.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  Now the glass did break; windows pushing inward like bubbles released from
rlm@0: a child's summer hand. The shards flew wildly, vengeful faeries, and Sakura
rlm@0: reared back, watching Syaoran lift his arms in defense. She slipped past
rlm@0: him like she was made of nothing.
rlm@0:  "Tomoyo," she whispered, so pained that she could not remember ever having
rlm@0: happiness. The new red kisses of blood on her skin and the crimson river
rlm@0: falling between her legs did not concern her, instead she raised her hands
rlm@0: to hold the emptiness tearing through her body like a tiger; she looked in
rlm@0: Syaoran's dull brown eyes and saw fear there.
rlm@0:  'You!' she wanted to scream, to pour accusation on him, but Sakura was too
rlm@0: full of her own sick guilt to blame anyone else. Instead, she turned and
rlm@0: fled, silken camisole moving against her body like a dozen concerned hands.
rlm@0: Down the stairs, her bare fee pounding mercilessly until they were too numb
rlm@0: to feel the cold as she ran into the winter night. It was as if someone had
rlm@0: taken her hands, was leading her, and indeed she ran with them
rlm@0: outstretched, ignorant of her final destination. The star-key dropped
rlm@0: against her chest in time with her heart beat, ringing against her ribcage
rlm@0: with finality. Then her hand was on a cold metal bar-- she was pushing open
rlm@0: a glass door and hurrying into a place filled with bright lights and the
rlm@0: sound of Tomoyo dying. Pushing through the crowd with hands that chilled
rlm@0: all she moved aside, Sakura saw her best friend laid out of the blue and
rlm@0: gold and white pattern tile, a sprawled and broken china doll. She was on
rlm@0: her knees without thinking about it, Tomoyo's pale form closed within her
rlm@0: arms. The still girl stirred, turning her wide snow-touched star-light eyes
rlm@0: on the Card mistress,  and Sakura almost cried; for Tomoyo's face was
rlm@0: filled with joy at seeing her.
rlm@0:  "Sa..." Tomoyo's labored breathing swallowed the rest of the sound. Her
rlm@0: eyes slipped closed momentarily as sheer red flowed to her lips. They were
rlm@0: in a sea of red, Sakura realized, their blood mingling and staining
rlm@0: everything around them.
rlm@0:  "Tomoyo-chan," Sakura managed, holding the other girl's delicate fingers.
rlm@0: "Don't die," she said the dark-haired girl's name over and over again, as
rlm@0: if the chant could call her back into her body. "I'm so sorry. I was trying
rlm@0: to be something I'm not...," Sakura breathed in her tears until her throat
rlm@0: hurt with them, "Forgive me, I'll make it up to you."
rlm@0:  "I told you to," Tomoyo's smile was pale as coral, but it was real; the
rlm@0: pieces of Sakura's heart dove in their own suicide to realize just how much
rlm@0: of a facade her friend's happiness had been. In death's gentle embrace, her
rlm@0: eyes were filled with unconditional love, "I said to Sakura-chan, 'Li-kun
rlm@0: loves you'. It's my fault." The words buried themselves in Sakura-- it was
rlm@0: the truth when neither of them knew it. Tomoyo's soft, cool hand was
rlm@0: against Sakura's cheek, and then tracing softly over her lips. "And I," she
rlm@0: managed to raise her head, lips so close to her friend that he Card
rlm@0: mistress more felt the confession than heard it;
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  "And I love Sakura."
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: ==============
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: DECEMBER 6th 2009
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  It was snowing again, falling through the window and collecting in
rlm@0: Sakura's lap. She knelt in her pajamas on the window seat, watching the
rlm@0: moon move through the clouds and feeling the cold slowly work is way into
rlm@0: her veins. The light behind her was dim, coloring her room a brown antique
rlm@0: photo; and the shadows seemed to move when they thought she wasn't looking.
rlm@0:  "Sakura," Cerberus' two fine saber teeth lodged in her shirt, trying to
rlm@0: pull her away from the window; she only loosened his grip and absently
rlm@0: stroked his golden coat, barely registering sensation. A soft knock at the
rlm@0: door; no response, then a shaft of light annihilating the darkness.
rlm@0:  "Imouto-chan..." this from another voice, and Sakura raised her head just
rlm@0: barely to meet her brother's gaze. Touya held the phone in his hand,
rlm@0: towards her and away from him. "It's Sonomi-san. She wants to talk to you."
rlm@0: Sakura allowed the phone to be placed in her still hands, her green eyes
rlm@0: like emerald windows that had been pulled tightly closed against the world.
rlm@0: "Ano..." Touya said, "Syaoran was here, earlier. I told him to come back
rlm@0: later."
rlm@0:  For a moment, Sakura moved her lips without sound, before her voice
rlm@0: sounded like the high string on a cello-- sweet, but strangely low. "When
rlm@0: he comes again," she seemed ageless, eternity shivering by the window,
rlm@0: "tell him he knows why I will not see him, and shall never see him again.
rlm@0: Tell him I give him no blame, that it is not his fault. Tell him, also, to
rlm@0: go home and marry Meiling, that he might keep his honor and make her
rlm@0: happy." She turned her hand away, gazing at he bright round buttons of the
rlm@0: telephone, before raising it to her ear. Touya stood for a moment, stunned
rlm@0: by the chill in his little sister's eyes and voice, before pressing his
rlm@0: wide hand against her shoulder and retreating.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  For a moment, there was only breathing on the line.
rlm@0:  "Konbanwa, Sonomi-san," Sakura said, pressing her free hand to her mouth,
rlm@0: swallowing sob after sob.
rlm@0:  "Oh, Sakura-chan," the voice of Tomoyo's mother was soothing and
rlm@0: discomforting at once. "I wanted to ask you, could you... would you please
rlm@0: speak at Tomoyo's funeral tomorrow?" Tears came like static on the line,
rlm@0: "She did love you so... I think it would make her happy."
rlm@0:  "Of course, Sonomi-san," Sakura drew in a breath that caught in her
rlm@0: throat, "I would be honored. Tomoyo is..," her eyes closed to combat the
rlm@0: truth, "was so... very precious to me."
rlm@0:  "Hai," they were both crying now, words distorted and raw, "There are
rlm@0: things here I think she would want you to have."
rlm@0:  "I can't take anything from you, Sonomi-san," Sakura said honestly, her
rlm@0: hands fisting in Cerberus' fur. The seal beast rested his head in her lap,
rlm@0: making small feline noises of comfort. "Tomoyo was your daughter-- you
rlm@0: should have her things."
rlm@0:  "But she would have wanted you to have something," Sonomi insisted, "She
rlm@0: cared about you so much." Sakura felt sure she'd been cut, sliced from
rlm@0: breast bone o navel with hurt. <What can I say?> she wondered. She wanted
rlm@0: to tell Sonomi the truth, to say, 'it is my hand that caused your
rlm@0: daughter's death-- it was I who loved her, and with my unconscious magic
rlm@0: bound her to me. It was also I who betrayed her with another, and killed
rlm@0: her.' Sakura strained her eyes in the dim light, focusing on the row of
rlm@0: dolls near her bed. She gazed at an ebony-haired, silken-bronze clad doll
rlm@0: with a suddenly watery memory of a smile; the doll has been a gift from
rlm@0: Tomoyo.
rlm@0:  Drawing a breath, she whispered into the phone; "I will take only what you
rlm@0: want me to have."
rlm@0:  "Thank you," said the older woman, "Sakura-chan, if you need to talk, I am
rlm@0: here. When my Nadeshiko died, I should have liked to have had someone to
rlm@0: confide in... I am here if you need me."
rlm@0:  Sakura bit her lip, "You are in so much pain, and yet yu're trying to ease
rlm@0: mine. I hope I can return the favor."
rlm@0:  "Just go on to be whatever it is Sakura is destined to be," the tiny,
rlm@0: disembodied voice entreated, "Tomoyo-chan wanted to see you shine."
rlm@0:  It was a while before Sakura could speak past the blinding agony, "I will.
rlm@0: I promise. Good night, Sonomi-san."
rlm@0:  "Good night, and thank you," the other voice returned, before the air was
rlm@0: still and dead. Sakura held the phone in both hands, looking down into
rlm@0: Cerberus' deep brown eyes.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  "I did kill her, didn't I, Kero-chan?" Sakura's voice was soulless.
rlm@0:  "You didn't mean to," the seal beast insisted.
rlm@0:  "No," a sigh, "Everyone said to me, 'Syaoran loves you', and so I thought
rlm@0: I must love him too. I wanted so badly not to disappoint anyone. But..."
rlm@0: Sakura flung the phone away, watching it slide across the hard-wood floor
rlm@0: and spiral there. "I loved Tomoyo. I *love* Tomoyo," she breathed in the
rlm@0: present tense and all the hope it held. "I never let myself realize, I was
rlm@0: so scared of disappointing everyone."
rlm@0:  "You were given a power you don't understand," Cerberus pointed out, "How
rlm@0: were you to know that your love for her bound you together?"
rlm@0:  "I'm the one that cut the cord! Why did I go with Syaoran?" Sakura reached
rlm@0: blindly for the doll Tomoyo had given her, "The whole time I was there, I
rlm@0: knew everything was wrong. If I had left, or said no, Tomoyo-chan would
rlm@0: still be alive." Slowly, Sakura climbed to her feet, approaching her desk
rlm@0: on shaky legs. Her hands traced the rich cover of the book of Clow, and
rlm@0: Sakura Cards resting within.  "Now I see why Clow wanted to be rid of this
rlm@0: power." Her hand reached for the small over-head lamp as she opened the
rlm@0: book, eyes roaming over the beautiful illustrations of power; all beautiful
rlm@0: lines and careful coloring. The thought was so sudden that Sakura stood
rlm@0: with the force of it, feeling the world fall away beneath her feet. "Clow
rlm@0: cheated Death," she murmured.
rlm@0:  "Hai," said Cerberus without thinking. A low tiger chuckle emerged between
rlm@0: his teeth, "Death came to see Clow, once or twice. Knocked on the door--
rlm@0: nice and polite," he smiled at the memory, "but Clow was the most powerful
rlm@0: sorcerer ever. He only died when he was tired of his power." The seal beast
rlm@0: gazed at Sakura, suddenly aware of the present, "The most powerful
rlm@0: sorcerer, save you of course."
rlm@0:  "I had never thought about living forever," Sakura's words drifted, "or
rlm@0: close to forever, anyway." She turned the pages of the book, faster and
rlm@0: faster until it was the sound of birds rustling. With awe, she touched over
rlm@0: the beautiful faces of the Light and the Dark, "I can save her."
rlm@0:  Cerberus stared at his Mistress for a moment, before venturing, "You'll
rlm@0: have wait, a very long time."
rlm@0:  "I can learn to wait," Sakura murmured. Her hand was on the key, which
rlm@0: swiftly became her staff; she was bounding towards the open window. Her
rlm@0: toes touched the windowsill and she leapt out into the night with the Fly
rlm@0: card giving her staff wings. Raising her eyes to the moon, Sakura cried her
rlm@0: happiness. Tomoyo had waited so long for her, without ever expecting
rlm@0: fulfillment-- could not Sakura do the same?
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  The mortician had curled Tomoyo's hair loosely, draping the deep lavender
rlm@0: near the girl's neck to cover the scars from the autopsy. Reverently,
rlm@0: Sakura touched the corpse's pale cheek, feeling the void left by Tomoyo's
rlm@0: soul. Without the shimmer of the girl inside, the body was husk, a poor
rlm@0: imitation. With a hiss, she bit her lip, remembering what the doctors had
rlm@0: officially reported. A rare disease-- the collection of blood in the lungs.
rlm@0: Tomoyo had drowned to death in her own blood; but the doctors didn't know
rlm@0: the real reason why. A sob locked in Sakura's throat; Tomoyo didn't look
rlm@0: like she was sleeping, or even alive at all, only empty, empty. Moving the
rlm@0: lid of the casket away, Sakura reached for her key.
rlm@0:  "Oh key that holds the power of the Stars," she chanted, hanging ont the
rlm@0: words with her sanity, "reveal to me thy true form. By the pledge between
rlm@0: us, Sakura doth command! RELEASE!" The breeze settled, and Sakura felt
rlm@0: oddly alone-- always, Tomoyo had been by her side, taping and observing her
rlm@0: magic. Swallowing her sickness, she lifted the first of the cards.
rlm@0: "CREATE-- make for me a box worthy of holding Tomoyo's heart!" A deep
rlm@0: breath, and she set the new silver chest aside. "FREEZE-- keep Tomoyo's
rlm@0: body young forever!" Finally, she raised her right hand high, "SWORD!"
rlm@0:  With her eyes firmly fixed on the empty visage of her beautiful best
rlm@0: friend, Sakura lifted the sword.
rlm@0:  "I love you, Tomoyo."
rlm@0:  And she drove the blade in next to Tomoyo's heart.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: =================
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: DECEMBER 5th, 2109
rlm@0: Tomoeda, Japan
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  Once, the area had been the site of an amusement park in bright colored
rlm@0: plastics, with children laughing loud into the wind. Before that-- though
rlm@0: no one in Tomoeda had a memory extending that far-- an old, towering
rlm@0: mansion had rested on the land. Now both were long gone, bull-dozed in turn
rlm@0: for progress, and for some twenty years, wild vines and trees had retaken
rlm@0: the place. The earth easily forgets humanity. In recent years, it had
rlm@0: become the site of a new building project that had the citizens of Tomoeda
rlm@0: talking; even the children that climbed the old and faded King Penguin had
rlm@0: whispered amongst each other.  Gradually, a house seemed to grow from the
rlm@0: ground; yellow, with a porch that circled it and turrets as fine for any
rlm@0: castle. It became the home of a rich young heiress by the name of Kinomoto
rlm@0: Sakura, and if there had ever been another young girl with bright green
rlm@0: eyes, a cheerful spirit and whispering brown hair... well, there was no one
rlm@0: around to remember her. She looked not a day over sixteen, this young
rlm@0: woman, though she insisted she was twenty-two, and as far as anyone knew,
rlm@0: she lived in the house by herself. Sometimes, people said they heard voices
rlm@0: drifting down from the house, but that was just talk. At first, the towns
rlm@0: people  resented Kinomoto-san in a way, but she gave generously to the
rlm@0: drill team and cheer-leading club at the elementary school, and she seemed
rlm@0: to love the town as much as they did. Gradually, she became a regular
rlm@0: fixture, and people felt free to wave or greet her on the street. However,
rlm@0: only children really seemed at ease with her; perhaps because, despite her
rlm@0: powerful baring, she was still so much a child herself.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  It was there on the calendar in thick, neat Kanji, some of it spilling
rlm@0: over into the next neatly lined square.
rlm@0:  "December 5th," Cerberus read what his mistress had written, standing on
rlm@0: his hunches to see, "Tomoyo died. Please come back, Tomoyo." The name was
rlm@0: in friendly Hirigana, a little school-girl style heart draw cradled in the
rlm@0: 'to'. "Todays the day," he said, padding across the kitchen tile towards
rlm@0: his companion, "Think she'll realize it when she wakes up?"
rlm@0:  Perched on a stool near the counter, Yue tossed a lock of moon-white hair
rlm@0: and snorted, "Of course she knows, my furry friend. As if she hasn't been
rlm@0: watching the calendar like a hawk."
rlm@0:  "Hai, hai," there was a flash, and Cerberus flitted into his smaller form,
rlm@0: alighting on Yue's shoulder. "I'm just a little worried, though. She hasn't
rlm@0: even mentioned it."
rlm@0:  Yue rolled his eyes, "This is a very big thing-- very personal. She's
rlm@0: probably nervous. I think maybe we should..."
rlm@0:  "Ohayo, Yue-san," the Card Mistress' voice rang clear in the cool winter
rlm@0: kitchen. She smiled just a little bit, standing in the doorway with the
rlm@0: rainbow lights of the sun catcher playing over her body. With a practiced
rlm@0: air, she plucked Cerberus from the air, "Ohayo, Kero-chan." Ignoring the
rlm@0: looks her friends gave her, Sakura padded towards the cupboard, pulling on
rlm@0: her silken pajama top. Cutlery and china began to chime together-- the
rlm@0: sounds of breakfast being made.
rlm@0:  "Ohayo, Sakura-sama," Yue offered, stretching his wings and barely
rlm@0: managing not to over turn the stool. "Kero-chan and I were just talking. We
rlm@0: thought perhaps we would let you have the house to yourself today and check
rlm@0: out the old haunts-- the temple, the park..."
rlm@0:  "Hey," Kero back stroked in the air, "As long as we buy some of that
rlm@0: really good Pocky from the corner store, I'm happy." Yue batted at him
rlm@0: absently, watching as his Mistress turned away from the oven.  There were
rlm@0: tears back-lighted emerald by her eyes, just barely swimming over her
rlm@0: lashes.
rlm@0:  "Arigato, Yue-san," her smile was gentle and thankful, "That's very kind
rlm@0: of you."
rlm@0:  "Don't mention it," Kero accepted the small pancakes Sakura offered out,
rlm@0: "It was my idea." Expertly, he dodged Yue's hand, holding out a slice of
rlm@0: pancake to the young man.
rlm@0:  "I detest food," Yue returned, before turning back to Sakura, "Anyway, I
rlm@0: think we'll go right now." Sakura nodded softly and watched her two
rlm@0: companions drift out into the hallway. A moment later, she heard the door
rlm@0: close, and her body slumped against the counter. Gathering her strength,
rlm@0: she moved to sit at the table, picking at her food with a hopeless,
rlm@0: disinterested chop-sticks. Around her, the world was a comfortable new day
rlm@0: yellow-- outside the window, the sun touched the morning sky opal, and the
rlm@0: bare trees rose beautiful. Finally, Sakura pushed herself away from the
rlm@0: table and moved towards the back door on unsteady legs.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  Outside, the winter are was crisp and real on Sakura's skin-- she breathed
rlm@0: and watched small white air-flowers bloom. Trotting down the cobble stone
rlm@0: path, she moved into the green house, her hands touching lightly on the
rlm@0: roses, nadeshikos and lilies that grew there. In truth, she felt a little
rlm@0: silly, a little too much like Eriol-- living in her mansion house and
rlm@0: playing the recluse. She loved the people of her home town and tried to
rlm@0: mingle with them when she could, but they always seemed a little wary. As
rlm@0: she plucked a yellow rose to match the morning, Sakura supposed she didn't
rlm@0: blame them. She had left scarcely a year after Tomoyo's death, wanting her
rlm@0: memories of home to be pleasant, and not back-dropped with odd glances and
rlm@0: whispers of suspicion as she failed to age or change. She returned only
rlm@0: briefly for her father's funeral, and then for Sonomi-san's and, in the
rlm@0: mean time, she traveled. She had been to London, to New York, Paris and
rlm@0: even back to Hong Kong for the wedding of Syaoran and Meiling's
rlm@0: grand-daughter, Shaiming. Staying in one place for very long was never an
rlm@0: option, but she grew to enjoy the different landscapes of her life, all the
rlm@0: while longing for the day when the mystery aboard each boat or train or jet
rlm@0: she took would not be "who is that pretty young woman?", but "did you see
rlm@0: that beautiful pale woman and her friend? I wonder who they are". In a way,
rlm@0: she feared her hundred years of living would make her feel separate from
rlm@0: Tomoyo-- put distance between them, that they would no longer be able to be
rlm@0: friends. Still, the words of her gentle best friend ("There is no one I
rlm@0: want to be with more thn Sakura-chan") would come to her at night, and she
rlm@0: would dream of adventures for the both of them. Tomoyo had always seemed
rlm@0: ageless-- perhaps she and Sakura had finally caught up.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  Smiling lightly, Sakura carried her armful of flowers back to the house,
rlm@0: waving at the young school girls as they passed.
rlm@0:  "Ohayo, Kinomoto-san!" one voice raised itself above the rest, and the
rlm@0: owner lingered by the hedge.
rlm@0:  "Good morning to you, too, Asahi-san," Sakura greeted, patting the girl's
rlm@0: ebony braids with affection, "How are you?"
rlm@0:  "I'm fine," Asahi chirped, her lop-sided red winter coat making her look
rlm@0: like a robin, "You look very happy, Kinomoto-san. How are you?"
rlm@0:  "I'm well," Sakura felt a slight blush, "and I am happy. A friend of mine
rlm@0: will be returning today. It has been a long time since I've seen her."
rlm@0:  "Really?" Asahi enthused, "Can I meet her?"
rlm@0:  "I hope so..." Sakura looked away, "though perhaps she may not want to
rlm@0: stay. I have wronged her in the past, and hope to make up to her."
rlm@0:  "Why didn't you see her earlier?" the younger girl inquired.
rlm@0:  "Ah," Sakura laughed, mostly at herself, "We've had to wait-- I do miss
rlm@0: her so much."
rlm@0:  "Well," Asahi pressed a finger to her lip, considering, "Even if my mother
rlm@0: says you are strange, Kinomoto-san, I don't see how any one could not like
rlm@0: you. I am sure your friend will stay!"
rlm@0:  "Thank you, Asahi-san," Sakura murmured, selecting a yellow rose and
rlm@0: several small white flowers from her load. "That makes me feel a lot
rlm@0: better." Handing the small bouquet over the hedge, Sakura suggested, "Why
rlm@0: don't you take these to put in your class room. It'll help brighten up
rlm@0: winter."
rlm@0:  "Thank *you*, Kinomoto-san!" Asahi clasped the blooms to her heart, "It's
rlm@0: the last day before break! I can't wait! Winter break is magic!" With that,
rlm@0: the young girl turned and ran pell-mell down the street, pausing at the
rlm@0: corner to look back and wave.
rlm@0:  "Don't forget to button your coat!" Sakura called after her, "It's cold
rlm@0: out!"
rlm@0:  "Look who's in their nightgown!" Asahi shouted in return, giggling. Their
rlm@0: laughter rang the bare tree branches.
rlm@0:  "Winter break is magic," Sakura murmured, sobering. Turning, she went back
rlm@0: into the house, knowing she could not make herself wait any longer.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  In Tibet, Sakura had met a young woman who painted other people's sadness,
rlm@0: so that they might look at it objectively. The Card Mistress kept her
rlm@0: painting in a large, unused bedroom, mounted over a table on which stood a
rlm@0: fine silver box. The canvas was coated with both longing and beauty; it was
rlm@0: a portrait almost identical to Tomoyo, a young woman with long
rlm@0: black-lavander hair standing by a window, cloak wrapped around her and
rlm@0: gazing out to the winter sea. There were other things Sakura kept in the
rlm@0: bedroom as well. A video camera, tapes, sewing supplies, and stacks upon
rlm@0: stacks of journals and sketchbooks-- those things given to her by Sonomi
rlm@0: after Tomoyo's funeral. Without realizing she was crying, Sakura placed the
rlm@0: flowers in a vase on the nightstand, smoothing the coverlet on the bed.
rlm@0: There were fine velvet draps over the windows, rows of beautiful dolls on
rlm@0: the wall, waiting for an owner. On the dresser, there were baubles of every
rlm@0: kind, jewlery and trinkets selected for someone special. All these things,
rlm@0: Sakura had collected, always thinking of Tomoyo-- and yet, now all she
rlm@0: wanted was to run through the street with her friend, to play ring around
rlm@0: the rosy in the park and fall down upon each other.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  "Oh, key that hides the power of the stars," Sakura began, lifting the lid
rlm@0: of the silver box and gazing in on the thing preserved so perfectly in ice.
rlm@0: A heart, the most perfect one-- for it was Tomoyo's. "I call upon Dark and
rlm@0: Light, I call upon Life! Give form to the woman who's heart has waited so
rlm@0: long! Give life to someone who was robbed of it so young! I call upon the
rlm@0: heavens-- once more give body to the spirit of Daidouji Tomoyo!"
rlm@0: 
rlm@0:  There was a moment when the room seemed terribly vacant-- as void as the
rlm@0: corpse Sakura had watched buried so long ago. Then, an impossible breeze,
rlm@0: brushing her short hair against her chin, and... Tomoyo. The pale girl
rlm@0: stood still and bare, marveling at her hands, her long arms; her hair moved
rlm@0: about her like a thing alive. Someone gasped, someone else cried out--
rlm@0: Tomoyo's gray gaze met Sakura's own.
rlm@0:  "Sakura-chan," Tomoyo's voice was clear and distinct, a perfect crystal
rlm@0: note, "You brought me back. Your magic," there was a smile, and that joy
rlm@0: Sakura thought she'd never see again-- Tomoyo was happy to see her! "I
rlm@0: didn't think... after I told you..."
rlm@0:  Sakura swallowed painfully, "Tomoyo-- it was my fault... it wasn't just
rlm@0: your love, it was mine!" Tears now, ringing with laughter, and still they
rlm@0: stood apart. Neither dared to touch the other, each watching, each sure her
rlm@0: hand would find a ghost. "My love tried to keep you with me. I was
rlm@0: selfish--"
rlm@0:  "I wanted Sakura-chan to be happy," Tomoyo confessed, " I thought Syaoran
rlm@0: would do that for you."
rlm@0:  "I know," Sakura reached out her shaking fingers, finally tangling them in
rlm@0: Tomoyo's soft hair, "It's okay. Even I didn't know what I really wanted."
rlm@0: Stepping forward, Sakura stood in the circle of Tomoyo's open arms,
rlm@0: bringing her mouth close the other girl's ear to deliver the words. A
rlm@0: whisper, "I love you, Tomoyo. Maybe we won't always be happy---"
rlm@0:  "I have only wanted Sakura to be happy," Tomoyo cradled the other girl's
rlm@0: cheek, "but I would be happy, sad or anything in between with my Sakura."
rlm@0: Embracing the other woman, Sakura began to cry in earnest, pressing her
rlm@0: lips to Tomoyo's stainless palms.
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: OWARI
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: