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1
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2 Even in the Cold Night
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3 Tomoyo shortfic
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4 by Meimi
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5 ksainttail@aol.com
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6
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7 ---------
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8
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9 I shut the door to my room softly...I don't like being interrupted when I'm watching my
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10 videos.
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11 What videos, you ask?
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12 If you know anything about me, that should be obvious.
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13 But maybe you don't, so I'll just tell you.
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14 They're not any kind of movie title you can buy in a store...though I watch as many of
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15 those as the next girl. But these are much more special. These are things I treasure; I always
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16 know I'll smile when the screen flickers to life out of the darkness...
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17 Because they're of the person I love.
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18 Hm? Who? Not a movie star, no.
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19 Sorry. It's a secret.
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20 Too much of a secret for even my own good...because even she doesn't know; doesn't
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21 realize.
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22
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23 ---
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24 ne, does everyone become this lonely when they fall in love?
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25 ---
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26
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27 It's funny that way, isn't it? How I record her every movement on videotape...so I can
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28 take it home with me, and relive every second I'm with her. I can push pause, and just watch her
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29 smiling face...forever. A moment in her life is an eternity for me. And just with this, I'm
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30 content.
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31 So...isn't it funny, how while my eyes never leave her face...never wanting to waste a
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32 second with her...and how I notice every detail...
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33 And yet she never figures it out?
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34 Un. I love her.
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35 But she'll never know.
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36
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37 --
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38 ne, even more than the black darkness, does deep pain embrace you?
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39 --
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40
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41 A slight smile tugs at my lips as I toy with a strand of my hair...the hair grown out
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42 long like my mother wanted...
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43 My mother was in love too, once. Ever since she was young...
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44 But her heart was slowly, slowly broken over the years. Slowly shattering as she sank into
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45 jealousy.
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46 She couldn't stand watching her loved one be happy with someone else.
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47
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48 --
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49 all of it was only for our sake, so that we could shine, i'm certain
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50 --
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51
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52 ...my mother's become bitter about it over the years. I look at her, seeing how she
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53 hasn't moved on at all after Nadeshiko-san's death, and I can feel my heart aching. Each time I
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54 notice that faraway look in her eyes...her gaze shifting to that chest where a bouquet is locked
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55 away...the flowers dried and dead.
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56 Like my mother. Those flowers...they're where my mother's life stopped, when she pushed
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57 pause.
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58 Ever since I can remember, I've grown up watching my mother thinking of "what-if"s over
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59 all these years. She won't allow herself to forgive, to forget...and she still says angrily that
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60 Nadeshiko-san was stolen away, still glares at Fujitaka-san with eyes like ice.
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61 But she doesn't understand. Nadeshiko-san was happy, really happy because she fell in
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62 love.
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63 I love my mother so much.
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64 But she was so selfish.
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65 And somethimes, it makes me wonder, did she ever really, I mean *really*, love
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66 Nadeshiko-san at all?
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67 Because...when I see my loved one's face lighting up with joy...her emerald eyes
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68 sparkling...a smile making everyone's day brighter...
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69
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70 --
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71 you, i love you, i'm watching you in my heart
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72 --
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73
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74 It makes my heart fill up with joy in those moments, and I'd do anything at all to keep
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75 her smiling forever.
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76 Even giving her up?
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77 Of course. I won't let heartache kill me bit by bit. Every time I catch a glimpse of
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78 longing in my mother's eyes when she mentions Nadeshiko-san's name...I think to myself, promise
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79 myself, that I won't let myself become like her. I'll be so happy for the one I love, my heart
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80 will continue overflowing with these feelings always...so that I can always keep an honest smile
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81 on my face; never even think of the word "regret".
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82 Because, ne, she has someone she loves, too.
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83 Someone she can confide in...someone who knows her...someone who'll be able to
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84 understand her feelings as well as me.
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85
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86 --
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87 you, i believe in you, even in the cold night
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88 --
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89
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90 ...maybe she doesn't even know she loves him herself, yet. But I can tell. She trusts
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91 him, it's just the way she looks at him. These days, she's ever so slowly moving away from
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92 me...going to him with her problems...he's her shoulder to cry on now.
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93 Not me.
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94
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95 --
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96 with my eyes, i call out to you now
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97 --
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98
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99 And why I don't say this bitterly, in a voice tainted with anger and regret? So cold to
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100 the world, because she has Li-kun always...and I only have her smiling face on videotape to
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101 console me when I feel heartbroken?
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102 There are times when I do wonder; why do I always shove them together? Why don't I try to
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103 get between them? I could. If I did...I could play make-believe...she could be mine
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104 forever...and then...
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105 ...and then I'd be exactly like my mother was. Always in denial of what was meant to be.
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106 I won't ruin this.
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107 I'll watch her quietly from the sidelines- never getting too close, too involved in her
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108 love. I won't stand between the two of them.
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109 Why?
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110 Because she'll be happy, of course.
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111
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112
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113 "I..." I hesitate for just a moment, looking away. "I want the one I love to be happy,
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114 more than to love me in return."
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115 I turn my gaze back to her...her sweet eyes staring into mine...so full of innocent
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116 confusion.
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117 "...are you saying, you don't even care if the one you love doesn't love you?"
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118 I shut my eyes, replying softly.
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119 "Of course, I would be happy if that person returned my love."
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120 I open them, smiling at her.
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121 It's not a forced smile, it's genuine and real.
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122 I can't be bitter, because...
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123 "Because...the one I love being happy...is the greatest happiness of all."
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124 She blinks, the thought taking a moment to register for her...she seems completely in
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125 the dark.
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126 But for one moment, I see understanding flickering inside those emerald gems...
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127 And then it's gone as she smiles at me.
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128 "...I'm sure, the one Tomoyo-chan loves is really happy."
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129 I gaze at her...and for a moment, it's just like I've pushed pause on the video; I feel
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130 like I could live inside this moment forever...
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131 And she turns away, and it's gone.
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132
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133
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134 ...I hope you're right, Sakura-chan.
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135 That you're happy.
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136
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137 --
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138 i don't want your promises
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139 with my eyes, i reach out to you now
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140 even in the cold night
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