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1 (Author's Note: This is my first Card Captor Sakura fanfiction and,
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2 at the time of its writing, I have only seen the first four episodes
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3 of the series and read none of the manga, so please forgive any
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4 errors I have made. I've also decided to, for this piece, neglect
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5 most of the plot of the series and just stick to playing with the
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6 characters. Also, some parts of the fic were written at insane hours
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7 of early morning and so may be a little.... strange. Nevertheless, I
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8 hope you enjoy the fic. *takes a little bow*)
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9
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10
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11 ---------------------------------------------------------------------
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12 -----------
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13
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14
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15
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16 So Much Easier
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17 by Althea K.
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18
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19
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20 "Coming, coming," Sakura called out, covering the mouthpiece of her
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21 cell phone temporarily. She trotted, barefoot, to the door, still
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22 listening with one ear to her father's voice. She peered out to see
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23 who her visitor was, but could see only darkness. A frown pouted her
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24 lips. "Hmph."
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25 "Is something wrong, dear?"
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26 "No, it's just... I could've *sworn* someone was knocking at the
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27 door, but there's no one there."
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28 "That's odd.."
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29 Sakura opened the door and peeked out, a bit nervously, into the
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30 night. "Hello? Is someone out here?" Silence was the only reply.
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31 "Hrmph." Her eyes narrowed as she wondered if perhaps some
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32 neighborhood children were playing a prank on her, only to widen as
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33 she finally noticed the small package at her foot. She knelt to
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34 retrieve it. "Hey, Dad, were you expecting a package or something?"
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35 she asked, turning it carefully in her hand.
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36 "No.."
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37 "Odd. I'm not, either.. But here one is."
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38 "A bit *late* for mail delivery, isn't it?"
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39 Sakura muttered her agreement, glancing about one last time before
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40 reentering the house and shutting the door behind her. "Maybe someone
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41 left it for Touya?" she suggested doubtfully. "But it's been ages
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42 since he's lived here... Who would send him anything at this
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43 address?" In the light of the house she examined the brown paper
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44 covering the rectangular package. "There doesn't seem to be a name on
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45 it... Oh, wait." She squinted and bowed her head in, having
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46 discovered one small word typed almost unnoticeably onto the
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47 packaging: Sakura. "Huh. It's for me."
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48 "An early birthday present, maybe?"
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49 Sakura laughed. "If it is, it's *really* early."
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50 "True.. Oh, honey, I'm sorry, but I have to go now. My
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51 presentation's in five minutes and I still haven't organized all my
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52 notes."
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53 "Ah, it's okay. You want me to leave you something in the fridge for
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54 when you get home?"
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55 "You're so sweet! That would be wonderful; thank you."
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56 "No problem. Good luck with your presentation."
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57 Sakura shut off her phone after their parting words and headed into
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58 the kitchen. Carefully, she broke the tape bindings with a small
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59 steak knife and removed the brown paper wrap. "A video cassette?" She
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60 quirked an eyebrow. Replacing the steak knife, she turned the
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61 cassette around in her hands to read its title. Her eyes widened.
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62 "'The True Confessions of Daidouji Tomoyo'??" she read aloud. "So
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63 that was Tomoyo-chan at the door..." she mumbled numbly to herself,
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64 her mind still twitching nervously around the idea of "true
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65 confessions". She glanced toward the door as if she expected her
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66 friend to still be there, then slowly turned back to the cassette.
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67 "This isn't like Tomoyo-chan at all.. not even stopping in to say
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68 'hello'..." Concern creased her brow as she tapped her fingers
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69 worriedly against the hard plastic casing of the tape. After a long
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70 moment of hesitation, Sakura picked up her phone and headed for her
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71 bedroom. "Plenty of time to cook something for Dad later..." she
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72 mumbled. She popped the cassette into her VCR, snapped her television
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73 on, and plopped down onto her bed. The VCR came to life with a click
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74 and a whirr and in moments Tomoyo's image lit up the screen, moving
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75 backwards to sit in front of the camcorder.
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76 "Hello, Sakura-chan.."
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77 "Hi, Tomoyo-chan," Sakura blurted out before she could remember she
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78 was talking to a recording. She blushed lightly, embarrassed by her
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79 mistake, but this faded quickly as she took in the scene that her
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80 friend had recorded. Tomoyo sat alone in her darkened room, her face
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81 sad and her voice trembling slightly. Her skin seemed even paler than
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82 usual somehow, even under the blue cast that the darkness painted her
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83 with. Sakura's heart grew heavy with concern.
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84 "I guess you've already seen the title of this little recording, so
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85 you have some idea of what I'm doing here.. Like I wrote, it's a
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86 confession... *my* confession. There are so many things that I've
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87 been wanting to tell you over the years we've been friends, but I
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88 just never had the courage to say them to you... You always were the
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89 brave one, Sakura-chan." The image of Tomoyo punctuated her statement
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90 with a tight, pained smile. "I always thought that I'd tell you when
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91 you were older, but even now that you're older, I'm still a coward.
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92 I'd hoped that by this time it would all be just a mildly
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93 uncomfortable memory, you know? I thought I could tell you about it
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94 and we'd look back together and laugh at my childhood foolishness.
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95 Well, I'm eighteen now and I'm still not laughing." Tomoyo's image
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96 paused and rubbed her palms against her pant legs. "Hell, I'm wishing
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97 now I could just go back in time, so things could be like that
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98 again.. I could at least be a little naive then. It still hurt, but
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99 it didn't hurt this much, and even if I was a little scared by my
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100 feelings when I was a kid, I wasn't terrified like I am now. Sakura-
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101 chan... I'm... I'm so *scared*!"
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102 Sakura could feel Tomoyo shuddering as the image drew her arms
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103 across her chest, hugging her knees into herself. "Tomoyo-chan," she
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104 whimpered. "Please don't be scared, Tomoyo-chan..."
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105 "I'm sorry, Sakura-chan... It just hurts so *much* sometimes... I
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106 can't take this anymore... Keeping it all a secret..." The image of
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107 Tomoyo shook her head as she unfolded from herself. "I.. I just can't
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108 keep it all inside of me anymore...!"
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109 "So tell me already!" Sakura cried out to the recording, too
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110 frustrated and curious to be embarrassed now.
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111 "Sakura-chan..." Sakura leaned in eagerly to listen as Tomoyo
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112 appeared to hesitate. "I..."
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113 "...Yes??"
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114 "Do you... remember... when we were children?"
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115 Sakura blinked. "Uhmm.."
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116 "I do. I remember it all like it was yesterday... I know, I know. It
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117 sounds corny, doesn't it."
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118 Sakura couldn't help but grin as she saw Tomoyo's mouth quirk up
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119 into a tiny smile. "Actually, yes, it does."
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120 "We were always such good friends... I'm not saying we're not still,
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121 I'm just saying that... there was... I don't know. There was an
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122 innocence to us back then, you know? And it's missing now. There's
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123 just something *off* about us now, and it's my fault."
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124 Sakura lost her smile. "Tomoyo-chan..."
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125 "It... It would've been so much easier if we could've stayed
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126 children forever, wouldn't it? I mean... Despite all we went through
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127 with the Clow Cards and all... we still had some pretty good times,
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128 didn't we? I'd make you those ridiculously cute little battle
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129 costumes and video tape you wearing them... I miss that. You know, I
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130 don't know if I could make things like that again if I tried... Back
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131 then I could always just picture you wearing it to fight Clow Cards
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132 and think about how cute it would be, and how much fun we would have,
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133 and I could just *do* it, you know? But now.. Everything I make for
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134 you just seems so... *lifeless*, somehow. It's still nice, but it's
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135 never the same, never quite so much fun. Getting older just kinda
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136 sucked all the fun out of everything, you see? Nothing's the same
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137 anymore.. Everything I do now, I have to examine my motivations; I
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138 have to think about it.. Oh, Sakura-chan, I wish we could be kids
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139 again! I'd give anything to be able to feel the way I did then again.
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140 I didn't have to think about why my heart was racing and whether it
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141 was wrong to feel that way then; I could just *feel* it and *enjoy*
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142 it. I could say things to you without having to think so much about
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143 how you would take it, if you would understand... But as we got
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144 older...."
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145 There was a long moment of unbearable silence. Sakura's eyes stung
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146 with tears as she waited for her friend to go on.
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147 "Sakura-chan..." Tomoyo began again at last. "Sakura-chan... I..."
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148 Tomoyo's sigh brushed almost palpably against Sakura's ears. "I love
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149 you. I'm.... *in love* with you."
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150 Sakura's world held still for a full three seconds.
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151 "I know you couldn't possibly understand, but... That's why. That's
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152 the reason for... for *everything*. I'm so sorry I never told you...
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153 I just knew it was hopeless, and I didn't want to scare you away.. I
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154 just couldn't bear the thought of telling you and having you not want
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155 to be my friend anymore. You... You mean everything to me, Sakura.
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156 You always have. And I'm sorry I was such a coward... I couldn't tell
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157 you then, and I can't even tell you now... I just let technology do
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158 the uncomfortable work for me," Tomoyo's voice proclaimed bitterly as
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159 her image gestured at the screen. "I'm so weak, Sakura-chan... I wish
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160 I could be strong for you. I wish I could be strong... But you'll
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161 always be the stronger one."
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162 Sakura fumbled blindly for her phone as Tomoyo's recording spoke on,
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163 until at last her fingers collided with it and she picked it up from
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164 where it lay on her bed. She punched Tomoyo's phone number into
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165 without needing to look at the buttons. Drumming her fingers
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166 impatiently against her thigh, she listened to it ring.
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167 "...and I knew even then that things could never be the same once I
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168 told you. I couldn't bring myself to find out whether the change
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169 would be for better or worse, fearing so much that we would never be
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170 friends again.... And I still can't. You see, Sakura-chan... There's
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171 another reason why I'm giving you this tape.."
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172 Sakura's fidgeting grew even more agitated.
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173 "I probably would've held it all in until something ruptured inside
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174 of me, really, if there weren't this other motivation for me to come
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175 clean with you right now... I... I never told you this, but a while
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176 ago I sent out an application to a college overseas...."
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177 Sakura's drumming ceased. The phone continued to ring harshly in her
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178 ear.
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179 "...and I was accepted. The term starts soon... In fact, I've been
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180 packing all day."
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181 For the first time, Sakura noticed how empty Tomoyo's room appeared
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182 behind her.
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183 "My flight leaves tonight."
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184 "No!" Sakura leapt to her feet in a state of panic. Still pressing
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185 the phone to her ear, she grabbed the jacket that Tomoyo had made for
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186 her last birthday off her floor and started pulling it on one-handed.
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187 "I know this must be a shock to you... but you mustn't try to stop
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188 me. There's nothing you can do about it anyway. By the time you'll
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189 have reached this part of the tape, I should already be well on my
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190 way."
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191 Sakura stopped halfway to the door. "No..." she whispered.
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192 "I'm sorry, Sakura-chan.. I'd've loved so much to hold you in my
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193 arms just one last time before I left.." Sakura flopped back down
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194 onto her bed, her entire body feeling numb. It was all too much for
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195 her to take in at once. "I'm taking all my videotapes of you with me,
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196 but I've left behind some copies in my room in case you want to go
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197 back and look at them.. Maybe if you look at them now you'll begin to
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198 see what I've been seeing all along... I'm also taking all your old
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199 battle costumes; they're too small for you now, anyway. But I am
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200 leaving your prom dress; after all, you may need it some time, and
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201 you did look so beautiful in it.. Do you remember the prom, Sakura-
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202 chan? I had so much fun dancing with you..."
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203 Sakura groaned, sudden floods of memory washing over her. "Kami,"
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204 she breathed. "Was I really that blind???"
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205 "We ate so much cake that we almost made ourselves sick, and then
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206 left early without our dates to take a walk in the park and watch an
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207 old movie on television... It's funny: I can't even remember my
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208 date's name; can you? He was a pretty nice guy, I think... I didn't
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209 know him very well, and I guess I didn't pay him that much attention.
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210 You were always the center of my own little universe... He could've
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211 had fangs and a dog-tail and I wouldn't've noticed." Tomoyo's sad
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212 chuckle was almost smothered by the recording that erupted in
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213 Sakura's ear, politely informing her that the party did not answer,
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214 as if she hadn't already noticed.
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215 "Uuhng..." Sakura grunted and lowered her phone, snapping it off
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216 reluctantly. "She's just gotta still be there... She *has* to be...!"
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217 She folded her arms across her chest, her movement only slightly
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218 impaired by the jacket still hanging off one arm. "Tomoyo-chan... You
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219 can't leave me...! We have so much to talk about... You can't just
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220 leave without even letting me discuss this all with you! There're
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221 questions I want to ask you... things I want to say to you..."
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222 "I... I put everything I have of you together earlier today... All
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223 the costumes, and sketches, and videotapes... *Everything*. Notes
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224 we'd passed each other in class.. Presents you'd given to me...
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225 Photographs I'd taken of you... Even this.." Sakura glanced up
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226 through a thin film of growing tears to see Tomoyo holding what
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227 appeared to be a small glass vial containing something feathery and
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228 somehow familiar. "Can you see this? It's a lock of your hair."
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229 Sakura and Tomoyo's image blushed simultaneously. "I hope you don't
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230 mind... I cut it off while you were sleeping over at my house one
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231 night long ago... I wanted to always remember how soft your hair was,
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232 and how sweet its scent...I've slept with it under my pillow for
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233 years." Tomoyo's image eyed it sadly. "And then today I put it
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234 together with all those other cherished possessions and mementos...
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235 I... I wanted to make a bonfire of them."
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236 Sakura blinked. "...Bonfire..???"
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237 "I wanted to destroy everything that reminded me of you so I could
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238 go away and start fresh.. I wanted to burn all bridges connecting me
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239 to you so maybe in time I could learn to forget you... But I just
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240 couldn't do it. I had the match lit in my hand, but I just couldn't
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241 drop it.. It burned right down to my fingertips and still I couldn't
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242 bring myself to let it drop." Sakura peered closer at the screen,
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243 finally seeing Tomoyo's hurt fingertips. "It wasn't so bad, getting
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244 burned... What really hurt was the shame. I felt like such a fool,
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245 unable to rid myself of you, clinging to my pain... Then I thought
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246 that maybe I could just leave it all behind, maybe even give it all
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247 to you, but I guess I wasn't strong enough to do that, either.. The
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248 thought was unbearable. I couldn't stand the idea of not having a
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249 picture of you with me always to keep your face fresh in my mind...
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250 The idea of your face ever fading from my memory...." A tear trickled
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251 down Tomoyo's face. "I suppose, though, that it doesn't really matter
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252 whether I burned it, or gave it away, or packed it up... I'd still be
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253 taking you with me, inside my mind. I don't think I could let go of
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254 you, no matter what. I would feel... empty. Hollow. I don't think I
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255 could ever entirely be myself again without holding onto you in my
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256 heart. I can't imagine life without you... But I can't... I just
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257 can't stand it anymore!" A heart-breaking sob shuddered from her
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258 trembling lips as her tears continued to fall. "I can't stand being
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259 with you every day without really *being with you*. I can't stand the
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260 horrible innocence of your every touch. I can't stand having you so
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261 near to me without being able to call you my own. I... I can't..."
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262 Tomoyo's words disappeared into wrenching sobs and shudders. As the
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263 image of Tomoyo on her screen buried her face in her hands, Sakura's
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264 tears began to fall as well.
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265 "T-tomoyo-chan.." Sakura moaned. Each minute that passed was its own
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266 small eternity as their tears streamed on without any apparent end.
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267 "I... I'm sorry, Sakura-chan," Tomoyo at last managed to gasp out
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268 from behind her hands. "I have.. no right... to put you through my
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269 pain."
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270 "Tomoyo-chaaan..." Sakura sobbed at the screen, frustrated and
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271 confused.
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272 "I never wanted you to see me cry... You've always been such a sweet
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273 girl, Sakura-chan. I didn't want to put you through any of this.. But
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274 I guess it was inevitable, wasn't it. One can only hold so much in
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275 for so long before it explodes all over everything.. Oh, Sakura-chan,
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276 I've made a real mess of things, haven't I? I wish I knew some way to
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277 set things right again... But you have to know. It wouldn't have been
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278 fair for me not to say anything... never to tell you... Maybe I'm
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279 just being selfish. Or maybe I'm just trying to keep my promise..
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280 Didn't I say that I'd tell you when you were older? I seem to
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281 remember that... I don't know. I'm confused... Another reason why I
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282 have to go away. I need some distance... some time apart from you so
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283 I can think, clear my head a little.. Or maybe I'm just trying to
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284 justify my actions. Maybe the sad truth is really just that I'm a
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285 damnable coward and I'm running away yet again from finding out how
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286 you'll react..."
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287 Sakura wiped at her eyes as she watched Tomoyo's shoulders slump
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288 pathetically. She picked up the phone again and dialed Tomoyo's cell
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289 phone number with equal parts hopelessness and determination. "C'mon,
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290 Tomoyo-chan, you've *got* to pick up the phone... *Please*, don't
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291 shut me out...."
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292 "That's why...." Tomoyo's image licked her lips slowly, nervously.
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293 "That's why I'm not telling you where I'm going. Whether I'm running
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294 away or just need some time alone or whatever... I don't feel like I
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295 can handle you knowing where I'm going right now. It's just... so
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296 much *easier* to fade away... You probably won't even notice I'm
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297 gone, after a while, as long as I stay out of touch... You'd probably
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298 be strong enough to make that bonfire, wouldn't you? Maybe... Maybe
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299 I'll let you be rid of me even if I can't be rid of you... At least
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300 one of us will be spared, right?"
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301 "Tomoyo-chan!" Sakura's voice finally broke out of its paralysis.
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302 "How... How can you even *think* these things!?" She shook her head
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303 in utter disbelief, then dropped to her knees before the television
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304 and pressed her palm against the screen. "Tomoyo-chan, come back to
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305 me... Oh, please, oh, please, come back to me...."
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306 "Can you promise me just one thing, though?"
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307 Sakura thumped her palm against the screen. "Come *back* to me!!"
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308 "If you must remember me... please... *try* to remember me as I used
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309 to be. I don't want to be remembered like this... Please... remember
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310 me with a smile on my face. Remember me from those innocent times,
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311 when we could walk hand in hand through the park and I could just let
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312 my heart soar, unable to imagine ever being happier or more content.
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313 Remember the costumes, and the laughter, and all those sweet little
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314 things that meant so much... I can remember. I remember giggling over
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315 our secret jokes, and you combing my hair, and how wonderful the
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316 world always seemed when you were there..... I just wish I could
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317 remember that and forget all the rest. I don't want to remember the
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318 sleepless nights, tossing and turning, delighting in the agony of
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319 having you by my side. And I don't want to remember how many times I
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320 had to bite my tongue, holding back for fear of losing you..."
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321 Sakura clutched desperately at the screen, pressing her phone
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322 painfully to her ear.
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323 After a long pause, Tomoyo finally appeared to regain her speech.
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324 "Well... I... I'd better stop now. The tape should be almost over by
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325 now, I think, and I'll have to hurry to the airport..." Sakura's hand
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326 dropped limply to her side. "I... I wish things could've been better
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327 for you, Sakura-chan. I know I've probably said and done some pretty
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328 stupid, hurtful things over the years we've been friends, especially
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329 tonight, and I hope you'll be able to find it in your heart to
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330 forgive me... You're such a wonderful person, Sakura-chan. I wish you
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331 luck in everything you ever do... Good-bye, Sakura-chan. You'll
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332 always be the best friend I've ever had, no matter what... I love
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333 you... I love you so much..." Sakura choked on a sob as Tomoyo's sad-
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334 eyed image reached forward and in a moment was shot into a sea of
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335 static.
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336 "Damn it..." Sakura stared through blurred eyes as shortly the
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337 screen flashed blue and the VCR jumped into action once more,
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338 stopping and rewinding the tape. She could only hear the telephone
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339 still ringing in her ear in the most distant of ways, too numbed by
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340 shock and pain to hear it as any more than a fading echo in a tomb.
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341 Catching and reflecting the blue light of the television screen, a
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342 lone tear glistened on her cheek, frozen prematurely, its path left
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343 unfinished and its future uncertain.
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344
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345
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346 ---------------------------------------------------------------------
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347 -----------
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348
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349
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350
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351
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352 (Legal Disclaimer: I do not claim to own any of the characters in
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353 this fanfic; I'm just borrowing them from CLAMP and whoever else
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354 holds the rights.)
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355
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356 (Sequel to Author's Note: If you want to put this fic on your
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357 website, are wondering why the hell someone would write a fic for a
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358 story she knows so little of, or just want someone to talk about
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359 anime lesbians with, please email me at either
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360 womanprince@hotmail.com or poorjuri@hotmail.com. Thank you ^-^) |
