rlm@2: Kiss Your Tears Away rlm@2: by Amazoness Duo rlm@2: amazonessduo@hotmail.com rlm@2: rlm@2: “You wanted to see me, Syaoran?” I ask, letting the door fall shut rlm@2: behind me. The afternoon sun hangs lazily in the air above, a rlm@2: wonderful backdrop to the Chinese boy. He’s leaning against the chain rlm@2: link fence that surrounds the school roof. I smile at him. As usual, rlm@2: it’s kind of hard for me to tell what he’s feeling or what he’s rlm@2: thinking. But that’s okay. I have a hard enough time knowing how I’m rlm@2: feeling half the time. rlm@2: rlm@2: I walk over to him, my hands held behind my back. My heart flutters rlm@2: nervously in my chest. I try to pay attention to every little rlm@2: movement I make. For being as athletic as I am, I’m still clumsier rlm@2: than anyone else I know. It always happens when I’m distracted. Which rlm@2: I definitely am right now. Syaoran returned from China a few weeks rlm@2: ago. I still don’t know where that leaves us. I’ve been too shy to rlm@2: ask him what we are now, if he’ll be my boyfriend, or any of it. I rlm@2: blush as these thoughts swirl around my head like my Sakura Cards. rlm@2: Can he tell I’m blushing? Does he know what I’m thinking? Is this it? rlm@2: Will he finally tell me how he feels? In a way, I’ve been waiting for rlm@2: years for this moment. Ever since he left. And now that it’s here, I rlm@2: feel faint, anxious. I hold my heart, trying to keep the beating in. rlm@2: rlm@2: He pushes off of the fence, taking a step forward. He’s looking rlm@2: forward at the doorway I came through. He was always shy. I guess he rlm@2: still hasn’t gotten over that. He can’t even look at me. But then, rlm@2: who am I to talk? I’ve always been really shy myself. Half the time I rlm@2: need Tomoyo-chan to push me forward enough to do anything rlm@2: embarrassing. Which makes this so nerve wracking with the both of us. rlm@2: Neither of us knows what to say, what to do. rlm@2: rlm@2: “I’m going back to China,” Syaoran finally says, his hands in his rlm@2: pockets. He says it like it’s not a big thing. Like it’s just one of rlm@2: those things that happen. Something simple like the weather. Not rlm@2: important in the least. rlm@2: rlm@2: I can only stare at his back, my hands balled up against myself. I’m rlm@2: terrified at his words. Back? He’s going back? But he can’t go back. rlm@2: He just got here! I waited the past few years to see him again and rlm@2: now he’s leaving? Don’t I get some sort of explanation? Something? rlm@2: Please? Tears burn in my eyes. My mouth opens and closes, nothing but rlm@2: an injured whimper coming out. I shake my head. My heart races. I rlm@2: feel like if I don’t say something now, I’ll never have the chance rlm@2: again. Like he’ll disappear before I even have a chance to say rlm@2: anything. rlm@2: rlm@2: He takes another step forward, towards the door. He’s not good at rlm@2: these things either. He was never good at his emotions. But now I rlm@2: can’t tell what he’s feeling at all. Is he leaving on his own? Is his rlm@2: mother forcing him? Will he come back to me? Will I be left waiting rlm@2: again? rlm@2: rlm@2: “Why?” I ask at last, my voice wavering. I can’t even see him rlm@2: clearly anymore. He’s just a watery outline. I blink and blink and rlm@2: blink, but the tears won’t go away. My mind races back to when he had rlm@2: told me that he liked me for the first time. To when he had to go rlm@2: back home to China. To the teddy bear I gave him so that he’d rlm@2: remember me. Does he still have it? I ask myself, my mind jumping rlm@2: about randomly. I’m spiraling. Please, someone catch me. I’ve lost my rlm@2: footing and I’m tumbling. The world’s spinning around me and I’m too rlm@2: scared to open my eyes. rlm@2: rlm@2: “I came back to tell you that I’m engaged. I’ll be marrying Meiling rlm@2: in a few years,” he states after a moment. His voice is it’s usual rlm@2: harsh self. As if he can handle anger and frustration better than rlm@2: anything else. To keep it all away. rlm@2: rlm@2: Engaged? My eyes shoot open, though I still can’t see anything but rlm@2: colors and shapes bleeding together through my tears. The word hits rlm@2: me like a rock thrown through a window. Cracked and splintered, the rlm@2: pieces of my heart crumble to the floor around my feet. He came back rlm@2: to tell me he was engaged? All this week I’ve been blushing and rlm@2: waiting for him to ask me out, to be with him, and he’s already rlm@2: engaged? rlm@2: rlm@2: I’m an idiot. How could I be so dense? Whatever had been between us rlm@2: was gone. I should have seen it. But I can be so dense. I just kept rlm@2: thinking that after all of this time, he’d have come back to me. Like rlm@2: a fairy tale. But he can’t be my prince. He’s been trying to tell me rlm@2: this whole time. All of those awkward pauses when I’d talk to him, rlm@2: all of the times when he wouldn’t return my gaze. And I hadn’t rlm@2: suspected in the least. Tears spill down my cheeks, dripping down my rlm@2: chin. rlm@2: rlm@2: I smile shakily, tears still streaming down my face. “Tell rlm@2: Meiling... that I’m very happy for her...” Why do I feel like Tomoyo rlm@2: right now? I see her smiling brightly in my mind, my image rlm@2: superimposed over hers. Whatever the reason, I try to give him my rlm@2: blessing, whether or not he’ll accept it. Why not? What else can I rlm@2: do? If he loves her, then there’s nothing I can do about it. You rlm@2: can’t make someone love you. rlm@2: rlm@2: Syaoran nods once, swallowing. He pauses for a moment, as if rlm@2: contemplating something. After a second that stretches on into the rlm@2: distance, he walks to the door. I don’t even see him leave. My eyes rlm@2: are shut too tightly. I hear the door slam and it wedges splinters rlm@2: into my heart. There goes my chance. Everything I wanted to say to rlm@2: him, everything I should have said to him, I’ve lost my chance. He’s rlm@2: gone. I want for all the world to reach out and stop him, but I know rlm@2: I can’t. It’s funny. I’m the world’s most powerful mage and yet right rlm@2: now I feel so incredibly weak and fragile. A weak breeze could rlm@2: shatter me and scatter me about into the wind. rlm@2: rlm@2: I collapse against the fence, sobbing bitterly. I want to wrench my rlm@2: heart out, to hold out the torn up object as far away from me as I rlm@2: can. Anything to stop this sick, sinking feeling that pulls me rlm@2: further and further down. I just want it to stop. How could this have rlm@2: happened? Ever since he left, I had been waiting for the day we would rlm@2: be together again, for when he would return to me. But it wasn’t rlm@2: supposed to be like this! It was never supposed to be like this. rlm@2: rlm@2: My face convulses in the hideous image of crying. I feel ashamed rlm@2: each time my face does that, each time my lips curl and my eyes rlm@2: squeeze shut. And that makes me cry harder. ‘Crying never solves rlm@2: anything,’ I hear him say. He had always said that when I’d wind up rlm@2: crying. He tried to make me look for a solution. To do something rlm@2: rather than cry over it. But there’s no solution right now. And I’m rlm@2: too tired to look, my weary soul wanting to retreat and cover its rlm@2: wounds. I can only cry. rlm@2: rlm@2: Turning against the fence, clinging to it for support, I see him rlm@2: walking away from school. She’s waiting for him, near a limousine. rlm@2: His bride to be. The girl he loves. Everything I thought I wanted to rlm@2: be. And now never would. I watch through a blurry haze of tears as he rlm@2: kisses her. rlm@2: rlm@2: My heart rolls about like a boat caught in a tsunami. One of my rlm@2: hands rests on my chest as if I’m trying to hold my heart in, so it rlm@2: won’t fall out and shatter on the floor. But even if it did fall out, rlm@2: even if it shattered into a million tiny pieces, I know she would rlm@2: gently pick up every tiny fragment and piece it all back together. No rlm@2: matter how long it took. No matter how bloody her fingers would get rlm@2: from picking up the countless jagged shards. And she would do it all rlm@2: with that same loving smile she always gives me. The same warm smile rlm@2: she’s giving me right now, that motherly, unconditionally loving rlm@2: smile that soothes my soul the same way that my mother’s fingers rlm@2: through my hair used to when I was a child. “I thought he liked me,” rlm@2: I whisper tearfully, my voice breaking. I didn’t even see her get rlm@2: here. Didn’t hear her footsteps. Yet here she is. My guardian angel. rlm@2: rlm@2: Tomoyo reaches out, taking my hand gently in her own. Her fingers rlm@2: entwine with my own, her palm warm against mine. “Love does rlm@2: unexpected things sometimes,” she replies in her soft, musical voice. rlm@2: “We don’t choose who we fall in love with. And sometimes the one we rlm@2: love can’t love us back.” Her other hand lovingly strokes over mine rlm@2: as she holds it. She’s watching me through her stormy blue eyes even rlm@2: as I watch Syaoran disappear into the limousine. Of course. Because rlm@2: he’s not what matters to her. She only wants to make things better rlm@2: for me. To her, I’m the important part of all of this. I still can’t rlm@2: understand how she sees me that way. How I could be that important to rlm@2: her. She’s the best friend I could ever hope for. rlm@2: rlm@2: I break down, crying harder. It’s strange. It was bad when I was rlm@2: alone, but now that she’s here, I feel like a floodgate’s been opened rlm@2: and everything is pouring out. I cling to her, nearly knocking her rlm@2: over. I hold her tightly, tight enough to leave bruises on her rlm@2: delicate, pale skin. But she doesn’t complain. She never complains. rlm@2: She simply holds me, stroking my hair with her lithe fingers. And I rlm@2: sob into her shoulder, my tears soaking the fabric of her school rlm@2: blouse. My body shudders against hers, my face burying against her. rlm@2: “Why?” I choke out, my voice muffled through the cloth. rlm@2: rlm@2: She rests her head against mine, her long, dark hair falling against rlm@2: me. “I don’t know, Sakura-chan...” she whispers, her voice sounding rlm@2: so tiny and fragile. “I wish I did.” She turns, kissing my forehead, rlm@2: her stormy blue eyes shut. That thought scares me more than anything rlm@2: else that’s happened today. Tomoyo-chan is the most insightful person rlm@2: I know. She’s always known so much. Especially about people’s hearts. rlm@2: And yet even she couldn’t give me an answer now. She’s met this rlm@2: before. With her own mother. With herself and that person she loves rlm@2: but can’t tell. Now with me. It doesn’t seem fair. “If I knew, I rlm@2: would do everything I could to make sure it never happened to you rlm@2: again,” Tomoyo promises me, rubbing my back, her fingers trailing up rlm@2: and down my spine as she tries to soothe my shaking body. rlm@2: rlm@2: “Tomoyo-chan,” I whimper, hanging from her. I don’t even have the rlm@2: strength to stand on my own. I feel so drained. Chains drag me down, rlm@2: pulling me further and further. She’s my only safe haven. I dread the rlm@2: thought of leaving her embrace, of having to deal with all of this on rlm@2: my own again. I hold on tighter, not wanting to let go, ever. “I’m rlm@2: sorry, Tomoyo-chan... I shouldn’t be crying like this... Crying never rlm@2: fixes anything...” I’ve learned that much, at least, right? So why rlm@2: can’t I stop these tears from coming? rlm@2: rlm@2: Her hands caress my tear stained cheeks, lifting my gaze up to meet rlm@2: her own. Her stormy blue eyes look directly into me, past everything rlm@2: to my soul deep inside, as if she can see everything I am. I can’t rlm@2: look away, her eyes holding me in place. “Don’t ever be sorry for rlm@2: crying, Sakura-chan. We all bleed sometimes. Crying is the same. Our rlm@2: tears build up inside and sometimes they need to spill out. If they rlm@2: didn’t, we’d drown in them. I don’t want my beautiful Sakura-chan rlm@2: drowning in a pool of tears. Sometimes you can’t fix things. rlm@2: Sometimes there’s nothing to do but cry and pick yourself up and rlm@2: carry on. Sakura-chan, I’ll always be there to help you get back up. rlm@2: I’ll always be your shoulder to cry on. Whoever breaks your heart, rlm@2: I’ll always try my hardest to mend it.” She leans forward, her eyes rlm@2: closing. My heart thumps rapidly in my chest. Her soft lips press rlm@2: against my cheek. She kisses again and again, trailing kisses over my rlm@2: cheeks. I can only stand there, my cheeks tinted a faint crimson as rlm@2: her lips move over me. She slowly pulls back, taking my eyes with her rlm@2: own again. “I’ll always be there to kiss away your tears,” she rlm@2: promises. I would never doubt her. Out of anyone, she’s the one I rlm@2: would never doubt even if the world were falling apart around me. rlm@2: rlm@2: Nothing is fixed. But everything is better. I can’t help but smile rlm@2: at her, even through my tears. How did I ever get lucky enough to rlm@2: have a best friend like her? Everyone should have their own Tomoyo- rlm@2: chan, someone who cradles your heart like a holy relic, who is always rlm@2: there to catch you when you fall. But I would never want to share my rlm@2: Tomoyo-chan. I can’t imagine being without her. I pull her closer, my rlm@2: arms tightly around her waist. She moves with my urgings, ready to rlm@2: placate me in any way she can. I’m stronger than her, so it’s easy to rlm@2: pull her close. But I think, deep down, Tomoyo is stronger than all rlm@2: of us. She tells me how strong I am. But without her, I'm nothing. rlm@2: She’s my strength. She’s my courage. She’s my light in the darkness. rlm@2: “Everything will always be all right,” I whisper, chanting her words rlm@2: from so long ago, “only because I’m with you...” rlm@2: rlm@2: Even I can tell that her pale cheeks are darkening at my words. But rlm@2: they’re true. I want her to know that. She’s what makes it all rlm@2: worthwhile. She’s what makes it all turn out all right. With her, I rlm@2: could face anything. Her arms are around my shoulders, her long dark rlm@2: hair fluttering about in the wind. She smiles, still blushing. The rlm@2: smallest things like that make her happy. But it’s simply a fact. I rlm@2: just wanted her to know that. I want to do bigger, better things to rlm@2: make her happy. If only I knew how. I’m only a clumsy, somewhat rlm@2: dense, overemotional teenage girl. rlm@2: rlm@2: We’re kissing. I don’t even know who started it. But I really don’t rlm@2: care at this point. I pull her tighter against me, never getting her rlm@2: quite close enough. I’ll apologize for her bruises later. I’ll kiss rlm@2: them all away. Right now I need her as close to me as I can get her. rlm@2: I need her lips against mine. I need her. She clings to me, her hands rlm@2: pressed against my back. Her deep kisses are a far cry from the rlm@2: feathery kisses we had started with what felt like an eternity ago. I rlm@2: blush myself as I feel my beautiful best friend kissing away all of rlm@2: my tears, all of my pain, her tongue swirling against mine. Right now rlm@2: we don’t need any words. Nothing diluted, nothing distant or rlm@2: filtered. Just pure Tomoyo at her very essence. All that she is, all rlm@2: that I am, making something much more. rlm@2: rlm@2: Tomoyo always came to my rescue. Whenever I was in trouble. She rlm@2: didn’t need a sword or magic. She’s always been my hero. She came to rlm@2: me with a camcorder and costumes, with love and adoration. She made rlm@2: me the star of her life. And it’s time I finally showed this small, rlm@2: delicate behind-the-scenes girl that she can play center stage in my rlm@2: life.