rlm@2: rlm@2: Even in the Cold Night rlm@2: Tomoyo shortfic rlm@2: by Meimi rlm@2: ksainttail@aol.com rlm@2: rlm@2: --------- rlm@2: rlm@2: I shut the door to my room softly...I don't like being interrupted when I'm watching my rlm@2: videos. rlm@2: What videos, you ask? rlm@2: If you know anything about me, that should be obvious. rlm@2: But maybe you don't, so I'll just tell you. rlm@2: They're not any kind of movie title you can buy in a store...though I watch as many of rlm@2: those as the next girl. But these are much more special. These are things I treasure; I always rlm@2: know I'll smile when the screen flickers to life out of the darkness... rlm@2: Because they're of the person I love. rlm@2: Hm? Who? Not a movie star, no. rlm@2: Sorry. It's a secret. rlm@2: Too much of a secret for even my own good...because even she doesn't know; doesn't rlm@2: realize. rlm@2: rlm@2: --- rlm@2: ne, does everyone become this lonely when they fall in love? rlm@2: --- rlm@2: rlm@2: It's funny that way, isn't it? How I record her every movement on videotape...so I can rlm@2: take it home with me, and relive every second I'm with her. I can push pause, and just watch her rlm@2: smiling face...forever. A moment in her life is an eternity for me. And just with this, I'm rlm@2: content. rlm@2: So...isn't it funny, how while my eyes never leave her face...never wanting to waste a rlm@2: second with her...and how I notice every detail... rlm@2: And yet she never figures it out? rlm@2: Un. I love her. rlm@2: But she'll never know. rlm@2: rlm@2: -- rlm@2: ne, even more than the black darkness, does deep pain embrace you? rlm@2: -- rlm@2: rlm@2: A slight smile tugs at my lips as I toy with a strand of my hair...the hair grown out rlm@2: long like my mother wanted... rlm@2: My mother was in love too, once. Ever since she was young... rlm@2: But her heart was slowly, slowly broken over the years. Slowly shattering as she sank into rlm@2: jealousy. rlm@2: She couldn't stand watching her loved one be happy with someone else. rlm@2: rlm@2: -- rlm@2: all of it was only for our sake, so that we could shine, i'm certain rlm@2: -- rlm@2: rlm@2: ...my mother's become bitter about it over the years. I look at her, seeing how she rlm@2: hasn't moved on at all after Nadeshiko-san's death, and I can feel my heart aching. Each time I rlm@2: notice that faraway look in her eyes...her gaze shifting to that chest where a bouquet is locked rlm@2: away...the flowers dried and dead. rlm@2: Like my mother. Those flowers...they're where my mother's life stopped, when she pushed rlm@2: pause. rlm@2: Ever since I can remember, I've grown up watching my mother thinking of "what-if"s over rlm@2: all these years. She won't allow herself to forgive, to forget...and she still says angrily that rlm@2: Nadeshiko-san was stolen away, still glares at Fujitaka-san with eyes like ice. rlm@2: But she doesn't understand. Nadeshiko-san was happy, really happy because she fell in rlm@2: love. rlm@2: I love my mother so much. rlm@2: But she was so selfish. rlm@2: And somethimes, it makes me wonder, did she ever really, I mean *really*, love rlm@2: Nadeshiko-san at all? rlm@2: Because...when I see my loved one's face lighting up with joy...her emerald eyes rlm@2: sparkling...a smile making everyone's day brighter... rlm@2: rlm@2: -- rlm@2: you, i love you, i'm watching you in my heart rlm@2: -- rlm@2: rlm@2: It makes my heart fill up with joy in those moments, and I'd do anything at all to keep rlm@2: her smiling forever. rlm@2: Even giving her up? rlm@2: Of course. I won't let heartache kill me bit by bit. Every time I catch a glimpse of rlm@2: longing in my mother's eyes when she mentions Nadeshiko-san's name...I think to myself, promise rlm@2: myself, that I won't let myself become like her. I'll be so happy for the one I love, my heart rlm@2: will continue overflowing with these feelings always...so that I can always keep an honest smile rlm@2: on my face; never even think of the word "regret". rlm@2: Because, ne, she has someone she loves, too. rlm@2: Someone she can confide in...someone who knows her...someone who'll be able to rlm@2: understand her feelings as well as me. rlm@2: rlm@2: -- rlm@2: you, i believe in you, even in the cold night rlm@2: -- rlm@2: rlm@2: ...maybe she doesn't even know she loves him herself, yet. But I can tell. She trusts rlm@2: him, it's just the way she looks at him. These days, she's ever so slowly moving away from rlm@2: me...going to him with her problems...he's her shoulder to cry on now. rlm@2: Not me. rlm@2: rlm@2: -- rlm@2: with my eyes, i call out to you now rlm@2: -- rlm@2: rlm@2: And why I don't say this bitterly, in a voice tainted with anger and regret? So cold to rlm@2: the world, because she has Li-kun always...and I only have her smiling face on videotape to rlm@2: console me when I feel heartbroken? rlm@2: There are times when I do wonder; why do I always shove them together? Why don't I try to rlm@2: get between them? I could. If I did...I could play make-believe...she could be mine rlm@2: forever...and then... rlm@2: ...and then I'd be exactly like my mother was. Always in denial of what was meant to be. rlm@2: I won't ruin this. rlm@2: I'll watch her quietly from the sidelines- never getting too close, too involved in her rlm@2: love. I won't stand between the two of them. rlm@2: Why? rlm@2: Because she'll be happy, of course. rlm@2: rlm@2: rlm@2: "I..." I hesitate for just a moment, looking away. "I want the one I love to be happy, rlm@2: more than to love me in return." rlm@2: I turn my gaze back to her...her sweet eyes staring into mine...so full of innocent rlm@2: confusion. rlm@2: "...are you saying, you don't even care if the one you love doesn't love you?" rlm@2: I shut my eyes, replying softly. rlm@2: "Of course, I would be happy if that person returned my love." rlm@2: I open them, smiling at her. rlm@2: It's not a forced smile, it's genuine and real. rlm@2: I can't be bitter, because... rlm@2: "Because...the one I love being happy...is the greatest happiness of all." rlm@2: She blinks, the thought taking a moment to register for her...she seems completely in rlm@2: the dark. rlm@2: But for one moment, I see understanding flickering inside those emerald gems... rlm@2: And then it's gone as she smiles at me. rlm@2: "...I'm sure, the one Tomoyo-chan loves is really happy." rlm@2: I gaze at her...and for a moment, it's just like I've pushed pause on the video; I feel rlm@2: like I could live inside this moment forever... rlm@2: And she turns away, and it's gone. rlm@2: rlm@2: rlm@2: ...I hope you're right, Sakura-chan. rlm@2: That you're happy. rlm@2: rlm@2: -- rlm@2: i don't want your promises rlm@2: with my eyes, i reach out to you now rlm@2: even in the cold night