rlm@2: Arigatou rlm@2: by Riesz Fenrir rlm@2: rlm@2: Disclaimer: I don't own CLAMP or Card Captor Sakura. In fact, CLAMP rlm@2: and Card Captor Sakura own me. They own you too, admit it. ^_^ rlm@2: rlm@2: This is the first fanfic I've ever written, about any series, so rlm@2: please don't flame me too hard for it. ^_^; Die-hard fans may well be rlm@2: able to find some inaccuracies, since I've not seen that much of rlm@2: ::cough:: "Cardcaptors" and even less of CCS itself. In fact, this is rlm@2: largely based on the manga, which I have a lot more of (plus it's rlm@2: cuter ^_^). Oh, and a warning: this is angst, pure and simple. Don't rlm@2: expect happy endings. rlm@2: rlm@2: Stuff in = thoughts. rlm@2: rlm@2: rlm@2: rlm@2: ~~~ rlm@2: rlm@2: <"You don't know just how much.... I love you, Sakura."> rlm@2: rlm@2: Tomoyo sat on the bed in the middle of her expansive, rlm@2: exquisitely-decorated quarters at the Daidouji mansion. Not that one rlm@2: would be able to tell from a glance around the room that intricately- rlm@2: patterned magnolia wallpaper, or indeed anything at all, lay behind rlm@2: the countless photographs of Sakura that covered the walls ceiling to rlm@2: floor. One more rested in Tomoyo's hands as she gazed absently out of rlm@2: the window towards Tomoeda Elementary. rlm@2: Tomoyo knew rlm@2: she ought to be at school too, but over these past few weeks, it rlm@2: seemed, Sakura and Syaoran had been getting closer. A *lot* closer. rlm@2: Tomoyo sighed. What was her problem anyway? She had always said she'd rlm@2: be happy if Sakura was happy. And Syaoran did make Sakura happy.... rlm@2: which was the one thing that tore Tomoyo's heart to shreds. Seeing rlm@2: them together like that.... holding hands, laughing...... rlm@2: So here she was, alone in her room, pretending to be too sick rlm@2: to go. rlm@2: Tomoyo's gaze returned to the picture in her hand. rlm@2: rlm@2: Most of the pictures that lined Tomoyo's walls were of Sakura rlm@2: as only Tomoyo knew her; as the Card Captor, the defender of Tomoeda rlm@2: from the Clow Cards' evil...... but this, this was just everday, rlm@2: ordinary Sakura, smiling as she made her way to school. Only there rlm@2: had never been anything "everyday" or "ordinary" about Sakura. She rlm@2: was perfection itself..... the touch of her smooth, soft, lightly- rlm@2: tanned skin..... the way the light danced in those intense, emerald- rlm@2: green eyes when she smiled..... the sweet scent of her short auburn rlm@2: hair..... the gentleness of her voice.... all things that could melt rlm@2: Tomoyo in a heartbeat. rlm@2: rlm@2: A single hot tear slid down Tomoyo's cheek and fell onto the rlm@2: photograph. Her hand, seemingly independent of her conscious mind, rlm@2: reached behind her and groped for something on the bedside table. rlm@2: Tomoyo's trembling hands unsheathed the small penknife as she brought rlm@2: it back into her tear-blurred view. Her eyes closed, squeezing out rlm@2: another tear. rlm@2: rlm@2: The sound of Tomoyo's own scream broke into her thoughts, rlm@2: jolting her back to reality. A place to which she had no desire to rlm@2: return any longer. She didn't need to open her eyes to feel the blood rlm@2: trickling down her arm. Concentrating on the warm sensation, allowing rlm@2: the darkness to encapsulate her senses, coccooning her within rlm@2: herself.... as the initial stinging sensation faded, it began to feel rlm@2: calming, almost.... comforting. Tomoyo wrapped her arms around rlm@2: herself and huddled blindly into her pillows. rlm@2: rlm@2: As if answering her silent call, the phone rang. Reluctantly, rlm@2: almost tentatively, Tomoyo opened her eyes and released the pillow rlm@2: she was hugging, reaching for the pink cellphone with clammy, rlm@2: bloodstained fingers. rlm@2: "M...moshi-moshi?" she half-whispered, her voice weak and shaky. rlm@2: "Tomoyo-chan?" While she knew that only Sakura would ever call rlm@2: her on this phone, the sound of her voice still made her heart jump rlm@2: unexpectedly. rlm@2: "...Hai......" rlm@2: "I was just calling to see how you were..... Terada-sensei rlm@2: said you weren't feeling too good......" rlm@2: "......I'm okay......." rlm@2: "You don't sound it, Tomoyo-chan.......... Do you want me to rlm@2: come over?" rlm@2: Tomoyo took a deep breath. "........Onegai............... if rlm@2: it's not too much trouble.............." rlm@2: Sakura laughed a little on the other end of the phone. "Of rlm@2: course not, baka! Nothing's too much trouble for my best friend!" rlm@2: ".......Arigatou..........." rlm@2: "Okay, I'll be there right away. Ja ne..." rlm@2: "......Ja ne." The line went dead as Sakura hung up. rlm@2: For the ten minutes it took for Sakura to arrive, Tomoyo sat rlm@2: cross-legged on the bed, motionless, her back to the door. She rlm@2: clutched her left arm tightly to her chest, deep crimson fluid rlm@2: soaking into her nightshirt, the pain now reduced to a dull throb. It rlm@2: was in this state that Sakura found her. rlm@2: "Tomoyo-chan.....?" Sakura's soft, inquiring voice floated rlm@2: into her thoughts, at first a distant echo, a lingering echo of a rlm@2: long-faded dream..... then gradually, the voice became clearer, rlm@2: sharper, as though the one she dreamed of stood right by her rlm@2: side......... rlm@2: "Tomoyo-chan?" rlm@2: Tomoyo's eyes flickered open to see Sakura's questioning face, rlm@2: a mixture of concern and anxiety in those deep, all-encapsulating rlm@2: green eyes. rlm@2: "Tomoyo-chan, are you...." Sakura gasped a little as Tomoyo's rlm@2: hand shifted, uncovering the stains on her shirt. "Tomoyo-chan! rlm@2: You're hurt...." rlm@2: Tomoyo whimpered a little as Sakura sat down beside her and rlm@2: gently moved her arm away from her chest to examine the wound. "How rlm@2: did......" Sakura began, stopping in her tracks when her gaze was rlm@2: caught by the bloodied penknife that still lay on the bedclothes. Her rlm@2: eyes turned back to Tomoyo's, green orbs of disbelief meeting greyish- rlm@2: blue pools of fear. A single word escaped her lips. "Why.......?" rlm@2: Tomoyo struggled to break the intensity of Sakura's gaze, but rlm@2: failed. Slowly, her right hand opened to reveal the crumpled, tear- rlm@2: stained picture she had been clutching the entire time. Sakura rlm@2: glanced down at it, then back at Tomoyo, a blank look in her eyes. "I rlm@2: don't understand, Tomoyo-chan...." Another tear silently slid down rlm@2: Tomoyo's cheek, and Sakura absently wiped it away with her rlm@2: fingertips, causing the dark-haired girl to shudder slightly at her rlm@2: friend's tender touch. rlm@2: "S...Sakura-chan....... I.......I......." Tomoyo's cheeks rlm@2: reddened suddenly as the realisation of just how close Sakura was rlm@2: dawned upon her. Suddenly dumbstruck, in a momentary lapse of rlm@2: rational thought she leaned in closer to Sakura and briefly allowed rlm@2: their lips to brush. rlm@2: It did. rlm@2: Sakura jumped back suddenly, her mind swirling with confusion rlm@2: that quickly turned to dizzying realisation. She stared at Tomoyo, who returned the gaze, her eyes rlm@2: threatening tears once more, pleading for acceptance. Sakura felt rlm@2: tears sting her own eyes too as she realised that for the first time rlm@2: in their lives there was nothing she could do to help her friend. rlm@2: "I...... I'm sorry........... Tomoyo-chan.........." Her words barely rlm@2: came out as a whisper, but they were clear enough to Tomoyo. Feeling rlm@2: powerless to do anything else, Sakura turned and fled from the room. rlm@2: rlm@2: ~~~ rlm@2: rlm@2: Too shaken by Tomoyo's unspoken revelation to return to school, rlm@2: Sakura made her way towards Penguin Park in a haze. She sat down heavily inside the great King Penguin that was rlm@2: seemingly Tomoeda's primary landmark, leaning back against its inner rlm@2: walls with an anguished sigh. It wasn't that this kind of thing rlm@2: disgusted her.... it wasn't even that new to her, really. After all, rlm@2: her brother and Yukito..... But somehow, Tomoyo's actions today had rlm@2: changed things between them. The dark-haired girl was her best rlm@2: friend, she had been since third grade, and Sakura couldn't imagine rlm@2: what her life would be like without her, but... after today, she rlm@2: thought, a sickening feeling growing in her stomach at the fact that rlm@2: she could think of her best friend with such callousness, she wasn't rlm@2: sure if she could ever feel comfortable around Tomoyo again. Not in rlm@2: the same way. rlm@2: "Hoeeee......." rlm@2: rlm@2: ~~~ rlm@2: rlm@2: Tomoyo's eyes were fixated on the screen as she sat alone in her rlm@2: video room, the almost stifling darkness illuminated only by the glow rlm@2: of the projected image. The penknife dangled limply from her fingers, rlm@2: crimson liquid flowing freely down the smooth blade from the deep rlm@2: gashes in her wrists, seeming almost black in the half-light. rlm@2: The on-screen Sakura smiled and waved, and Tomoyo couldn't rlm@2: help but manage a wavering attempt at a smile in return. rlm@2: rlm@2: Sakura's image blurred and flickered as as a mixture of rlm@2: sadness, pain and resignation brought new tears to her reddened eyes rlm@2: once more. And as the last scenes of Tomoyo's home movie faded to rlm@2: black, so did Tomoyo's world.... forever. rlm@2: rlm@2: <"Thank you for all your tenderness.... rlm@2: Thank you for all your happiness.... rlm@2: Thank you for all your kindness.... rlm@2: Thank you for all your everything............."> rlm@2: rlm@2: ~~~ rlm@2: rlm@2: Glossary of Japanese terms: rlm@2: arigatou = thank you rlm@2: -chan= affectionate suffix, used between friends, lovers, people who rlm@2: are close rlm@2: moshi-moshi = what the Japanese say when they answer the phone rlm@2: hai = yes rlm@2: -sensei = suffix used for teachers etc. rlm@2: onegai = please rlm@2: baka = silly, stupid, etc. rlm@2: ja ne = see you later rlm@2: hoeee = just Sakura's favourite little expression rlm@2: rlm@2: Author's notes: Crying yet? ;_; Probably with tears of frustration rlm@2: at how people such as me can be allowed to call themselves rlm@2: writers..... Still, I had a go, can't say I didn't. I love S&T fluff rlm@2: as much as the next shoujo-ai fan, it's true, but I don't think there rlm@2: are enough fics out there that deal with the harsh reality - that, rlm@2: while we all know Tomoyo loves Sakura, Sakura almost certainly would rlm@2: not return her feelings... ;_; Also, this was inspired by real, rlm@2: personal feelings, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't riff it no rlm@2: matter how much you think it sucks. Thanks.... and if you liked, or rlm@2: you didn't like, or you want to throw comments/criticism/whatevers my rlm@2: way, email me at fenrirknight@hotmail.com. I promise to reply to all rlm@2: non-flames. rlm@2: rlm@2: Now go and read some fluff! ^_^ rlm@2: rlm@2: