rlm@0: Title: Happy Years rlm@0: Author: Matthias Engel aka MysticMew rlm@0: Feedback: Solarsenshi@gmx.de rlm@0: Status: Alpha rlm@0: Fandom: Card Captor Sakura (manga) rlm@0: Rating: PG-13 rlm@0: Category: Romance, a tad bit darkish rlm@0: Pairing: Sakura/Tomoyo rlm@0: Timeline: Sequel to "The Different Path" rlm@0: Summary: Tomoyo reflects on the changes in her lives and the rlm@0: experiences she had in her relationship with the "older" Sakura and rlm@0: how the consequences of Sakura's wish begin to catch up with them. rlm@0: Distribution: MSD (www.catstrio.de), Shoujo Ai.com (www.shoujoai.com), rlm@0: ff.net (www.fanfiction.net), Mediaminer (www.mediaminer.org), Moonlit rlm@0: Nights (http://jrem.net/moonlit/tsFics.html) others may follow. If you rlm@0: like this fic for your story, please tell me, I'm not likely to put rlm@0: stones in your way, but I like to know where it goes. rlm@0: Legal Disclaimer: This story features two females romantically rlm@0: involved. If that is illegal where you are or entirely not your thing, rlm@0: turn around and leave now. rlm@0: Disclaimer: Card Captor Sakura belongs to CLAMP and assorted rlm@0: companies, I claim no right on the characters and original storyline. rlm@0: Story Disclaimer: Happy Years(c)2003 by Matthias Engel rlm@0: rlm@0: ****************************** rlm@0: rlm@0: Foreword rlm@0: rlm@0: This is going to be the sequel to The Different Path. I firmed my rlm@0: decision meanwhile that this will tie in with an idea I had for rlm@0: another Sailormoon story. For now there is no visible connection but rlm@0: they will flow together eventually when I get to the main story. But rlm@0: that probably is still in the future. rlm@0: For now, this was prompted a little by one of the reviews I got, rlm@0: wondering how Tomoyo's reaction to all this would be. This is a bit rlm@0: free after the concept "Scenes of the rest of their life" or something rlm@0: like that. The story will be done in diary format with several short rlm@0: and some longer entries... we'll see, I never know this in advance. :) rlm@0: rlm@0: ****************************** rlm@0: rlm@0: Happy Years rlm@0: Based on the works of CLAMP rlm@0: Story Concept by Matthias Engel rlm@0: rlm@0: ****************************** rlm@0: rlm@0: rlm@0: rlm@0: April 13, 1994 rlm@0: Dear Diary. rlm@0: rlm@0: It has been awhile that I wrote in here and I'm sorry for rlm@0: leaving you at such a crucial point where my dear Sakura seemed to be rlm@0: just inches away from confessing her love to Syaoran. The reason why I rlm@0: didn't get to write in here lately is that something really incredible rlm@0: happened. Something so incredible that it will also effect this diary. rlm@0: For as long as I kept this, I have dedicated these entries rlm@0: solely to my one true love. The walking miracle that is Sakura-chan, rlm@0: trying to capture my thoughts on the beautiful girl that had captured rlm@0: my heart from the first day we met. But now, I can't write about rlm@0: Sakura alone anymore because the most joyous, unexpected thing rlm@0: happened... rlm@0: But let me begin from the beginning, yes? It was on the day rlm@0: Li-kun was going to return home. I had already suspected of course rlm@0: that Sakura as was typical of her would only realize her feelings at rlm@0: the last moment. Not that I want to say that she is... indecisive. rlm@0: Sakura just has a hard time realizing her own feelings but you really rlm@0: cannot fault her for that. It is just as I told her a short while ago. rlm@0: Peoples hearts are hard to predict - even Eriol-kun said so. And rlm@0: usually it is hardest to understand your own heart. rlm@0: But back to what happened. Since Sakura was expected to come to rlm@0: her realization a little late, I went and called her early. That was rlm@0: when the first odd thing happened. I was actually going to tell her rlm@0: about where she could find Li-kun but instead I only reached her rlm@0: brother and Touya told me that she was already out... rlm@0: Going back to practice, I had pretty much shrugged it off and rlm@0: told myself that it didn't matter. If she managed on her own, all the rlm@0: better, even though I would have liked to help. All I ever wanted to rlm@0: be was a part of Sakura's life. Before Li-kun came along I used to rlm@0: entertain the hope that maybe in the future, when her crush on Yukito rlm@0: passed and we were both older, I might actually seize my chance and rlm@0: tell her. But it became apparent that Sakura and Syaoran were meant rlm@0: for each other and developed feelings that both were reluctant to rlm@0: realize and admit to. But that day, when I thought for sure that it rlm@0: would be Syaoran she would ultimately choose as her special person, I rlm@0: had to realize that with all that I deemed to know about Sakura, a rlm@0: person can neither predict someone's else hearts accordingly. I rlm@0: learned that sometimes if you think you know someone else's heart, you rlm@0: might end up surprised. rlm@0: Back to events. It was near the end of our next practice session rlm@0: that I noticed someone watching me. You know that prickling feeling at rlm@0: the base of your neck? It got stronger and stronger and it filled me rlm@0: with almost giddy anticipation although I couldn't fathom why. I had rlm@0: ignored it for awhile, concentrating on the practice. However, it rlm@0: became too much and I finally glanced towards the entrance and there rlm@0: was Sakura. rlm@0: I was so totally baffled I almost missed the next several notes. rlm@0: I would have bet all my insurance - and that is after all plenty - rlm@0: that she would have been with Li-kun at that moment. It was about the rlm@0: time when his bus left for the airport after all... I don't think rlm@0: Sakura ever managed to confuse like this before. I thought I knew my rlm@0: best friend and secret love so well but her appearance had totally rlm@0: thrown my belief for a loop. rlm@0: But that was not the only surprise I should get. Approaching her rlm@0: in the pause, I immediately realized that something was different rlm@0: about her. Outwardly she seemed to be the same person but inside there rlm@0: was something so completely different that it startled me for a rlm@0: moment. I briefly entertained the notion that it might be Mirror or rlm@0: Illusion but was pretty sure that I would notice that. It was still rlm@0: Sakura, just... different... somehow. rlm@0: Then Sakura told me she saw Syaoran off - as expected - and rlm@0: confessed that she does love him. I couldn't help but feel a little rlm@0: disappointed for a brief moment. When I saw her standing there, I rlm@0: hadn't been able to help the thought, the hope that maybe... But that rlm@0: was crazy, illogical, Sakura and Syaoran were meant for each other and rlm@0: Sakura would be happy with him... Or so I immediately told myself rlm@0: again. rlm@0: That was when Sakura really shocked me. While she loves Syaoran, rlm@0: there is a person that she loves equally but who needs her more. rlm@0: Syaoran isn't necessary to give her life meaning and neither is she rlm@0: for Syaoran's life. That is how she put it. Then she told me she rlm@0: couldn't live without me, though, and asked me if I could live without rlm@0: her. rlm@0: Of course the question was silly, needed no answer and I believe rlm@0: Sakura had not expected one. But when her words finally sank in... I rlm@0: can't describe how I feel because I'm not sure if there are words rlm@0: existing in any written or spoken language that properly can describe rlm@0: my feelings in that moment and the ones that followed. I barely rlm@0: managed to find my voice in order to respond, asking what exactly she rlm@0: meant by that. Of course, the question was rhetorical. That spark of rlm@0: hope at seeing Sakura standing there, watching me sing, had exploded rlm@0: from a tiny star into a full-fledged super nova. The meaning of her rlm@0: words had been all too clear, yet the emotions suddenly welling up rlm@0: from deep inside me were overwhelming and hindered my thought process rlm@0: a lot. rlm@0: Sakura told me she wants me - ME - to be her special person and rlm@0: gave me a teddy bear. rlm@0: God, I was sure my heart would stop beating right there, frozen rlm@0: in this moment of perfect bliss. rlm@0: But it didn't, thankfully, because I would surely have regretted rlm@0: if it did. Hearing these three words from Sakura, spoken honestly and rlm@0: with clear conviction behind them was a gift I would cherish forever. rlm@0: Oh, how I had longed for this moment. It hadn't mattered right then rlm@0: that Sakura might be a little different and it still doesn't matter. rlm@0: Nothing really mattered then and right now. Okaasan says I am rlm@0: "deliriously happy" nowadays. But who can forbid me that? Sakura loves rlm@0: me as much as I love her. Her beautiful, kind heart has chosen me to rlm@0: claim that special place only reserved for one person. How can I not rlm@0: be "deliriously happy" then? rlm@0: It had been only later in the day that I found out exactly what rlm@0: had made Sakura change her mind and what is so different about her. rlm@0: The experience was quite shocking itself. Apparently Sakura had been rlm@0: traveling back in time by capturing a hidden Clow Card. She hasn't rlm@0: told me any details about the future she left yet and I won't pry. It rlm@0: is painfully obvious that whatever dire reason she had for this rlm@0: action, whatever had happened in the future, saddened her. It is in rlm@0: her eyes. When she thinks I'm not watching her - what I do most of the rlm@0: time anyway. There is something...haunted there. It pains me to know rlm@0: that my dearest Sakura had to go through such hardships in her time rlm@0: and would give everything to know how to take that pain away. But I rlm@0: will let her decide when she wants to tell me everything. For now what rlm@0: she told me that day at choir practice turns out to be the truth. She rlm@0: is beginning to be happy, more her old self again. I can tell it will rlm@0: be a long path though and by now everyone close to Sakura has noticed rlm@0: some changes but only a few seem concerned. Sakura told me that she rlm@0: could be happy now that she is with me. And she is happy. Genuinely rlm@0: happy. And I am the one that makes her happy! rlm@0: So, what does that mean for this diary? Well, it is not going to rlm@0: be solely dedicated to my beloved anymore. Now that she has proposed rlm@0: to share her life with me, I will make this diary a dedication to OUR rlm@0: relationship. OUR. I still can hardly believe all this and if you ask rlm@0: me now about my exact thoughts, I think I am still not ready to form rlm@0: any remotely coherent ones. rlm@0: It is becoming late, I will write in here some more at a later rlm@0: point. rlm@0: rlm@0: ****************************** rlm@0: rlm@0: May 6, 1994 rlm@0: rlm@0: Yes, I've said I write earlier but a lot of things happened. rlm@0: Well, not that much but more like what happened has kept us very busy. rlm@0: While I never was opposed to the idea of coming out I am surprised at rlm@0: how fast it is happening. Interestingly neither Sakura's family nor my rlm@0: mother were really surprised at finding out Sakura had chosen me rlm@0: instead of Li-kun. I suspected at much but it still manages to make me rlm@0: happy. The least I wished was to cause Sakura any more trouble. It is rlm@0: apparently hard enough for her to deal with her time travel... aside rlm@0: from complaining about having to go back to school and learn all that rlm@0: boring stuff again! (she's so cute when she pouts!). No, the rlm@0: transition seems not to be an easy one, especially on an emotional rlm@0: level. Sakura is almost clingy ever since confessing to me. Not that I rlm@0: mind, definitely not. But it worries me. It's almost like she expects rlm@0: me to disappear any moment. By now, even without her telling me, I rlm@0: become firmed in my belief that whatever happened in her time must rlm@0: have included my and probably the others' deaths as well. My heart rlm@0: aches at how much pain I sometimes seem in her eyes and since we are rlm@0: sleeping over a lot I have woken more than once finding Sakura shaking rlm@0: with a nightmare. I wish I could take them all away but that's one rlm@0: thing I can't do. All there is left for me is to be there for the one rlm@0: girl I love and help her forget about the trauma that has driven her rlm@0: here and into my waiting arms. rlm@0: Mind you, that sounds like she's a frightened wreck but that rlm@0: isn't the impression I want to give you. Those moments are rare and rlm@0: mostly private. Sakura is most comfortably opening up to me and that rlm@0: display of trust makes me love her even more... if that is even rlm@0: possible. Yet, the change is becoming obvious to anyone close to rlm@0: Sakura. As much as she tries to "act her age", this Sakura IS far more rlm@0: mature and the weight of her heavy past (or future, whatever way you rlm@0: want to look at it) doesn't allow her to completely fall back into her rlm@0: innocent self. rlm@0: Do I love her less because of that? If you know me, you rlm@0: shouldn't even be asking that question. Even if she's older mentally rlm@0: and far from the innocent cheerleader that managed to capture my heart rlm@0: within a second of meeting her, she is still Sakura. There is rlm@0: something unique about her. Actually, there are many things unique rlm@0: about her. Like her big heart that seems to be big enough to include rlm@0: anyone who wants to have a part of it... and even those who don't. Or rlm@0: her fierce determination when she gets an idea in her head. Right now rlm@0: I am experiencing a whole new dimension of that determination all rlm@0: focused on me. It often leaves me overwhelmed thinking alone that rlm@0: Sakura's genki spirit will now always be focused on me and my needs. rlm@0: She's constantly getting me things, asking me what I want to do when rlm@0: all I really need is her. But Sakura is persistent about making me as rlm@0: happy as possible. And I am as happy as possible. Really, I am. rlm@0: It appears I have come a little off topic. I was talking about rlm@0: her families reaction. Quite frankly if there had been any surprise, rlm@0: it would have been on my part if they actually had been surprised. rlm@0: Touya-san is always so observant and looks out for his sister. He rlm@0: never liked Syaoran much for some reason. I always thought it might be rlm@0: that on some level he wanted to keep Sakura close to him. Sometimes I rlm@0: wish I had such a protective brother. However, he seemed rather rlm@0: pleased after admitting to our relationship. rlm@0: Sakura's father, Fujitaka, didn't seem overly surprised either. rlm@0: He just smiled and said he is happy for us and that we will surely rlm@0: take good care of each other. I suppose since he experienced the rlm@0: affection between his wife and my mother, it must have been rather rlm@0: hard even for me to hide my feelings - not that I tried very hard. rlm@0: Both he and Sakura's brother seemed just a little surprised at the rlm@0: suddenness though. Especially since it had been apparent lately that rlm@0: Sakura would choose Li-kun... Neither of them asked about this though rlm@0: or about Sakura's weird mood (she is a lot quieter these days). rlm@0: Anyway, that leaves my mother. Well, Sakura is almost scared of rlm@0: her now, I think. About the way she's going on about how happy she is rlm@0: that we are in love and that we make such an adorable couple. Of rlm@0: course, her older mind must have figured out what happened between her rlm@0: and Nadeshiko by now but I must admit even I find my mother a little rlm@0: intimidating at times when she speaks about her late love (especially rlm@0: in association with Sakura's father)... and Okaasan is practically as rlm@0: fond of Sakura as she is/was of her own mother. rlm@0: Our families aren't the only ones that know though. Sakura's rlm@0: public confession at choir was clear enough. Even if not everyone rlm@0: heard what was said, within the days talk around school had managed to rlm@0: make it pretty much clear to anyone. Rika, Chiharu and Naoko seemed a rlm@0: little surprised but otherwise were more or less alright with it. I rlm@0: think they are more baffled that Sakura's scores have become as high rlm@0: as mine and Rika's... rlm@0: Apart from that everything is fine. We cannot complain, despite rlm@0: all those little things. I am sure, given time, Sakura will get over rlm@0: her experiences and settle into her new life. It still warms my heart rlm@0: to think that she felt obligated enough to choose me for that purpose rlm@0: and not Syaoran. I don't doubt her one minute when she says she really rlm@0: loves me. It's obvious in every action lately, there is no way someone rlm@0: can play that. Besides, Sakura has always been a very honest person, I rlm@0: am sure she wouldn't lie to me - or anyone - about such an important rlm@0: matter. No, Sakura and I are happy and I intend to keep it that way, rlm@0: forever if Sakura wants me to. rlm@0: rlm@0: ****************************** rlm@0: rlm@0: May 20, 1994 rlm@0: rlm@0: We had our first real date today and it was a glorious event! We rlm@0: hadn't had found time to actually do something like this until now. rlm@0: Okay, if you read this you might say that we are just eleven... Normal rlm@0: kids don't have dates at this age. True, I suppose. The thing is I am rlm@0: quite aware of some of the other kids at school saying how mature I rlm@0: often act and I won't argue with them there if they'd ever directly rlm@0: ask me. That has nothing to do with arrogance. It is more a rlm@0: good-natured confidence in my abilities. I have always had an rlm@0: excellent learning ability. Okaasan says that sometimes she thinks I rlm@0: have some sort of eidetic memory. I wouldn't go so far since then I rlm@0: doubt I would have to study at all for some subjects. No, I have rlm@0: always liked learning new things and ever since meeting Sakura I rlm@0: wanted to learn even more to help this magnificent creature through rlm@0: life. I realized quickly back then that for all her enigmatic rlm@0: abilities she was often a tad bit... naïve (I really don't like that rlm@0: word) and would need guidance in some areas and in others would need rlm@0: to be sheltered. Like a beautiful but fragile flower that will die rlm@0: quickly if not constantly kept in the right environment. rlm@0: To shorten all that. I guess I have always been a little rlm@0: precocious. rlm@0: As for Sakura. Well, she isn't the innocent girl anymore anyone rlm@0: knew. The other children have more or less gotten used to it but they rlm@0: seem a little... "weird out" to quote Sakura herself. That was to be rlm@0: expected too, though. No, given that in her mind Sakura was already rlm@0: seven years older than me, I believe you can grant her the right to go rlm@0: out on dates, right? I think she's having a harder time with some rlm@0: things about being little again than she lets on. I mean, I can hardly rlm@0: begin to comprehend what it has to feel like, suddenly being younger rlm@0: again, with a full recollection of being almost an adult. Must be rlm@0: really weird. I am helping her as much as I can and am amazed again rlm@0: and again every day at Sakura's ability to let her self be loved but rlm@0: also at giving back this love. I have never felt so... important rlm@0: before in my life. Why it is true that I am probably one of the rlm@0: smartest girls in my age class - Sakura not withstanding (but she has rlm@0: seven years in advance of me, technically) -, I can hardly say that I rlm@0: had much friends or other such social contact outside of occasional rlm@0: choir practice before coming to Tomoeda and meeting Sakura. rlm@0: Meeting Sakura has been a blessing and that is why I will be rlm@0: eternally grateful and why I would never dream of rejecting her just rlm@0: because she's... different now. My love is hers forever and always. rlm@0: After all Rika-san is seeing someone older too (I have a suspicion rlm@0: Sakura knows from the looks she gives her sometimes but she won't rlm@0: tell), so why should it be different for me? Sakura is still Sakura. rlm@0: Seven years of life experience and maturity have not really destroyed rlm@0: what I love about her. Certainly not. There is a lot of sadness and rlm@0: pain but it is dulling, I can tell, and that is bound to have some rlm@0: effects on her personality. Like she's quieter, calmer, more serious. rlm@0: However, I have witnessed enough moments already that show that Sakura rlm@0: is still able to let go and simply enjoy the moment. rlm@0: No, I won't... I can't love her any less. This is all a part of rlm@0: Sakura now. Besides, the new level of maturity doesn't only have rlm@0: negative effects. At times I actually find myself liking the older rlm@0: Sakura a little more since we are now able to communicate on a higher rlm@0: level. Not that she's suddenly become a genius but she certainly does rlm@0: know a lot more about life in general as the Sakura before the fateful rlm@0: day at choir practice. I will forever cherish her innocent self, yet I rlm@0: know it is not completely lost. In time I am sure she will be a lot rlm@0: like the old Sakura again. I'll take her any way she wants to be, that rlm@0: is for sure. rlm@0: But I've been getting away from the point. I actually wanted to rlm@0: talk about the date! You see how much she is affecting me already, rlm@0: normally I would not digress from the point that much. Not that I am rlm@0: complaining, mind you. rlm@0: Anyway, it was very beautiful. We had found ourselves a nice, rlm@0: sheltered spot at our all time favorite King Penguin park. It had been rlm@0: a warm, sunny day, perfect for a picnic for two (Sakura had to rlm@0: literally threaten Kero not sneak in and disturb us). I think I must rlm@0: have giggled like a little child with joy when Sakura proceeded to use rlm@0: Flower and create a bed of Sakura blossoms for us. It was so rlm@0: beautiful, so absolutely perfect! rlm@0: We sat there for hours, talking or simply enjoying each others rlm@0: company. Sakura seemed to have made it her special duty to make this rlm@0: the perfect day for me. I am a little disappointed for not getting rlm@0: much to do in return but seeing how happy Sakura was just relaxing, rlm@0: being with me, it makes my heart flutter even now. For the first time rlm@0: since her time travel I think I finally saw her completely at peace. rlm@0: This is a very precious memory to me. rlm@0: And then, as evening drew closer, Sakura somehow managed to find rlm@0: the perfect ending. I still can't believe she did that! It was all so rlm@0: amazing. I hadn't suspected anything when Sakura told me I had to hold rlm@0: tight onto her so that she could show me a special gift. Needing no rlm@0: reason to not comply with such a thrilling request, I was caught a rlm@0: little off guard than Sakura called for Fly. I had never thought she rlm@0: could carry me! (at least not that long) It was a little bit of a rlm@0: strain for her, I could tell, but she managed. And if the sheer rlm@0: excitement of being carried through the late evening sky hadn't been rlm@0: enough, just guess where she set us down! rlm@0: At the top of Tokyo Tower! rlm@0: We sat there for almost an hour, watching the sunset. It was a rlm@0: moment straight out of a picture... or maybe more like a famous rlm@0: painting. Oh yes, it was a little cold up there but I hardly minded. rlm@0: Not to mention that Sakura seemed to have the presence of mind to keep rlm@0: up a little fire magic all the time (she really has gotten A LOT rlm@0: better). rlm@0: Once again I am not sure I can describe what exactly went rlm@0: through me when, close to the end, Sakura whispered to me an rlm@0: "Aishiteru" in a voice thick with emotion and followed that up with a rlm@0: short but sensual kiss. There is too much that is still waging inside rlm@0: of me like a hurricane and it is all too jumbled to put into words, rlm@0: nor would words do any of it justice. However, I can tell you for sure rlm@0: that if Sakura hadn't held me tightly the whole time, I am sure I rlm@0: would have fallen off the support beam we had settled on. rlm@0: I am still so... thrilled! I have been trying to get to sleep rlm@0: for almost an hour now to no avail, so I decided to sit down and write rlm@0: all this down now rather than tomorrow. However, I am still much too rlm@0: excited. I wonder if I get any sleep tonight at all! Sakura is really rlm@0: an unique experience and it gets even more special than you are the rlm@0: single-most focus of her attention! rlm@0: Dear Diary, I really AM the happiest girl in the world! rlm@0: rlm@0: ****************************** rlm@0: rlm@0: April 5, 1997 rlm@0: rlm@0: It's been a long time since I wrote in here. Almost three years. rlm@0: Oops. rlm@0: I guess life has simply been too good for me to write down rlm@0: anything. I have my tapes after all and all those wonderful memories rlm@0: of three wonderful years with Sakura so far which are far more worth rlm@0: than any recorded pictures could ever be. I can hardly believe it's rlm@0: been that long. We are both in our second year of Junior High now. I rlm@0: could tell you so many things now but I think I'd be sitting here all rlm@0: night. Well, it's Friday but still... rlm@0: Oh, who am I kidding? There is a reason after all I actually rlm@0: remembered having that diary, I thought writing in here again would rlm@0: actually help me calm my mind and get things into the right rlm@0: perspective. You see, Sakura and I have reached a phase of our rlm@0: relationship that probably has to come for any couple one time or rlm@0: another. We had our first big fight just five days ago. God, I feel so rlm@0: horrible. It was so dumb and unnecessary and... I just... don't know rlm@0: what's gotten into me. rlm@0: Maybe I should start from the beginning. I'm not sure where the rlm@0: tension really began to build up but I believe it might have been rlm@0: since we entered Junior High. There were just slight nuisances, rlm@0: beginnings of something that seemed to bother Sakura greatly. Tomoeda rlm@0: Junior High is a little different than the Elementary School... or it rlm@0: is VERY different may be a better way to describe it. The teachers are rlm@0: very strict as is the headmaster, the school prides itself with its rlm@0: good image and tradition. That posed to be a problem for us. Back in rlm@0: Elementary School everyone more or less took us for granted. We were rlm@0: THE couple, really. Everyone found it cute and romantic that we were rlm@0: together... well, mostly everyone. Now, now we have to be extremely rlm@0: careful around whom we can trust to show feelings for the other that rlm@0: are more than friendship. Within the first weeks at Tomoeda Junior rlm@0: High we learned the hard way that Japanese society might tolerate a rlm@0: cute crush between two young girls but if they turn out to be two rlm@0: maturing young teenagers who openly show their love for each other, rlm@0: then the alarm bells are ringing in some people's heads. It is a good rlm@0: thing our families stand behind us and support our relationship rlm@0: despite some of the harsh treatment we had to endure at the beginning. rlm@0: I swear Okaasan was ready to sue the school, Touya-oniisan right rlm@0: behind her. rlm@0: Things settled down eventually and the initial uproar has blown rlm@0: over. Most people know about us but choose to ignore it. There are rlm@0: some rare people who actually try to support us - if not officially rlm@0: than at least in small actions (for example: giving leeway in the way rlm@0: of discipline or maybe giving a higher grade when one of us was rlm@0: in-between). So, not all people there are traditional man in business rlm@0: suits who'd rather improve their self-image than care for their rlm@0: students, but a lot of them are. And not only once had we played with rlm@0: the tempting thought of transfer. There were enough - more modern and rlm@0: open-minded - schools in the area and both of us were smart enough; rlm@0: money wasn't an issue either. rlm@0: I think it's a bit of defiance probably. Not too mention all of rlm@0: our friends are there, even Rika who really could have gotten into a rlm@0: better school. But I can understand her well enough after finally rlm@0: figuring out that she is seeing Terada-sensei (who had - not so rlm@0: surprisingly - also transferred to Junior High, leaving me wondering rlm@0: if Rika followed him or he followed her!). That was a bit of a shock rlm@0: at first but at the moment I guess we are sitting in the same boat, rlm@0: sort of, and neither of us is keen on budging. Society can be cruel rlm@0: sometimes, especially the traditional-bound Japanese one. While rlm@0: Western influences had lessened that, there still were a lot of old rlm@0: families with a lot of influence. rlm@0: But enough about that. It has little do with the current dilemma rlm@0: since most of the drama had been in the beginning. I just mentioned it rlm@0: because some of it might have affected Sakura more than I initially rlm@0: thought. Why I still can't fathom but... Well, I hoped it would make rlm@0: more sense writing it down, however, it seems I am back to where I rlm@0: started from. rlm@0: The confrontation had been coming a long way, I guess, and yet I rlm@0: felt so terrible about it. I had noticed that Sakura is spending more rlm@0: and more time by herself, only with Kerberos (and I think Yue too but rlm@0: I can't be sure). I tried to talk to her about it but she's always rlm@0: saying the same thing. "I'm fine, Tomo-chan, don't worry about me." rlm@0: Somehow this feels a little like déjà vu. I used to say things like rlm@0: that often when we were just innocent children. It irked me a little rlm@0: but nevertheless I respected Sakura's privacy. She is after all a lot rlm@0: older than me (in her mind at least) and sometimes she just gets rlm@0: frustrated with being young again. You would think it'd be a blessing rlm@0: for anyone, yet living it is probably a lot different, I guess. She rlm@0: won't tell me much about it... or everything concerning the time rlm@0: travel that brought her ultimately into my arms. Which brings us back rlm@0: to the root of the problem. rlm@0: At first I could ignore all of this, believing it must be too rlm@0: painful to remember or to talk about and Sakura doesn't want to worry rlm@0: me. Then, about half a year ago, a little after my fourteenth rlm@0: birthday, she started to spend all those hours alone in her room at rlm@0: her house (where she barely ever is anymore, at least not alone). I am rlm@0: pretty sure it has something to do with the cards and in this regard rlm@0: probably with Time. I remember that Kero lectured Sakura again and rlm@0: again about consequences for capturing and using Time but my rlm@0: girlfriend never seemed to be overly concerned. And, as I said rlm@0: already, she won't tell me any details whenever I ask. rlm@0: Everything came to a climax at the beginning of the week. It was rlm@0: April 1, start of the new grade and Sakura's birthday. I had spent rlm@0: practically the whole weekend preparing a special treatment just for rlm@0: my special girlfriend. I had hoped that would help relax her a little rlm@0: and maybe she'd open up to me. Not that I would have pressed. rlm@0: I had everything set, Okaasan was on a business trip and I had rlm@0: sent most of the serving stuff home. I told Sakura to come over after rlm@0: her club practice (she's still doing cheerleading but most of it rlm@0: half-heartedly, she actually has joined the Choir club so that we rlm@0: could spent even more time together). And so I sat there, alone in the rlm@0: big house and waited for Sakura. rlm@0: Sakura didn't come. rlm@0: At first I became worried that something might have happened so rlm@0: I called her on our private phones, only to discover that Sakura had rlm@0: turned off hers, something I discovered she was almost always doing rlm@0: when working with the cards. I considered going over and looking for rlm@0: myself but something in me was rebelling and refused to just chase rlm@0: after my errand girlfriend. A feeling rather new and unusual for me. I rlm@0: usually tended to defend Sakura's actions even if I should by all rlm@0: standards be angry with some. For me Sakura's happiness had always rlm@0: been valued higher than anyone else's - including my own. Ironically rlm@0: enough, thinking about it now, the anger might be a result of Sakura's rlm@0: own doing. The brunette was so adamant about our relationship that she rlm@0: had practically made me speak my mind more often, whenever something rlm@0: is bothering me or I just need to talk to her, she made it very clear, rlm@0: that she will always be there for me, insisting for me to confide in rlm@0: her always. rlm@0: I was still worried but I knew that if something happened to rlm@0: Sakura I would know it. I had known in my heart if she was in danger. rlm@0: Besides, she'd never turn off that phone other than for her magical rlm@0: studies that she was so secretive about. So I waited, and Sakura rlm@0: didn't come. rlm@0: Next morning I confronted her before school. Turns out she rlm@0: "forgot"! She forgot about her own private birthday party with her rlm@0: girlfriend?! I might have bought that from the innocent ten-year old rlm@0: before the whole time travel incident but not from her, not now. And rlm@0: then she had the audacity to brush me off with a feeble apology that rlm@0: she "is not feeling well". rlm@0: To quote Sakura: Hoe? rlm@0: Sakura doesn't just simply feel "not well". My girlfriend is the rlm@0: healthiest girl I know, really. She's so full of energy that she's rlm@0: almost bursting most of the time. While it has been much more reserved rlm@0: since her change it is still there. It's something so typical Sakura rlm@0: that you can't miss it after having seen it once. rlm@0: And what shocked me more and is still puzzling me is that look rlm@0: she gave me. Sakura almost seemed scared, not off me, but maybe rlm@0: something having to do with me. And that scared me in return. Having rlm@0: Sakura look so... lost... and as if the devil was chasing her (I rlm@0: really can't describe it any better) was disconcerting to say the rlm@0: least. rlm@0: All throughout the day and the next morning almost no word had rlm@0: been spoken between us. I think that was the longest ever since we've rlm@0: been together and not separated by vacation or other things. And I rlm@0: swear the whole school seemed to have picked up on it. Even some of rlm@0: the teachers who usually loved to focus their attention on us made a rlm@0: point not to. rlm@0: Tuesday afternoon I finally had enough. I was confused about all rlm@0: of this but I was also feeling uncharacteristically angry. I wanted to rlm@0: know what was going on. I didn't see what I could have done wrong and rlm@0: Sakura would neither speak up on her own or come over as she usually rlm@0: did. And that devastating silence was straining my nerves. So then, rlm@0: finally, I went over to the Kinomoto house and practically marched rlm@0: into her room (the look on Touya's face would have been priceless if I rlm@0: hadn't been in such a foul mood). rlm@0: I had secretly hoped to find Sakura sitting on her desk, working rlm@0: with her cards or something like that. That way I would have at least rlm@0: had somewhere to start but that didn't stop or slow me down any. I rlm@0: think, analyzing it now, most of my feelings weren't so much anger as rlm@0: they were frustration, frustration fueled by worry and the uncertainty rlm@0: of what was going on with my girlfriend. She is the most important rlm@0: thing in my life and I think I deserve to know what is going on in her rlm@0: life. She told me pretty much the same after all. Doesn't she trust me rlm@0: with this? I was... still am a little hurt about that. Maybe it's rlm@0: unfair to feel like that but I really can't help it at the moment. rlm@0: When I told her all that, told her that I wanted to know what rlm@0: was going on, why she was shutting me out from her magical studies and rlm@0: why she never told me about the future. I wanted to know, even if it rlm@0: might not be pleasant. I am sure she was trying to protect me in some rlm@0: way and I am grateful for that, but I am also still her girlfriend and rlm@0: couldn't just stand by letting Sakura worry herself all on her own. rlm@0: I am still mulling over her response. Sakura actually apologized rlm@0: for being so absent lately and that she was doing very important rlm@0: things that had to be taken care off. And that there were some things rlm@0: she couldn't tell me yet... I swear I could hear the "I tell you if rlm@0: you are older" behind the words (again déjà vu) and that really leaves rlm@0: me puzzled. Sakura rarely makes comments likes that or treats anyone rlm@0: as if she is really those seven years older. And it's not just an act rlm@0: but rather genuine from what I can tell. rlm@0: Before I could come up with any sort of response she had gently rlm@0: but persistently made me leave, saying she had some things to do, rlm@0: alone, and that right now she couldn't be distracted. And THAT really rlm@0: hurt. It felt like Sakura was purposefully trying to put distance rlm@0: between us. As if she was afraid that something might happen if we rlm@0: were too close right now. rlm@0: I have the very distinct feeling that I am missing something rlm@0: obvious here but I just can't put my finger on it. rlm@0: This had been about three days ago and apart from sporadic talk rlm@0: in school, there had been a deep wedge between us and I simply felt rlm@0: terrible about it. Logically seen there was no reason for me to feel rlm@0: at fault but this state was becoming unbearable. Being so close to my rlm@0: one and true love and yet so far away... I feel like I am going to rlm@0: explode any moment now! rlm@0: No, I didn't really feel at fault. However, I felt extremely rlm@0: worried and a little ashamed at my reaction. After all everyone had rlm@0: their secrets, so why should Sakura be an exception. How could I know rlm@0: that with my intense reaction I might have even made it worse than it rlm@0: actually was? Also she had sacrificed so much by traveling back in rlm@0: time, she gave up Syaoran to be with me. I should by all means be rlm@0: thankful. rlm@0: Yet, the fact remained that I was worried. For Sakura and for rlm@0: us. I feel very lucky to have such a fierce protector, nevertheless rlm@0: this had reached a point where I felt utterly excluded from things. rlm@0: Doesn't she understand that seeing her worried and in pain, pains me rlm@0: equally? How can she expect by shutting me out not to make me worry? I rlm@0: have to know what is going on and I will... rlm@0: Yes, my decision is made. Tomorrow I will go over and find out rlm@0: what all this is about. I might not like it but that should be for me rlm@0: to decide. I wanted my girlfriend back, all the pros and cons about rlm@0: her, nothing less. I will apologize for being so angry but I will also rlm@0: make sure that she knows that I am worried about her and that all I rlm@0: want to do is help her. We have always been together through so many rlm@0: things. The school problems at the beginning of last year hadn't rlm@0: managed to drive a wedge between us, so I won't let this thing rlm@0: (whatever it is) either. Sakura has to realize that and I will make rlm@0: her realize it! rlm@0: Reading back over that last paragraph, I think I sound rather rlm@0: scary... Hah, I feel a lot better now. Tomorrow I will make sure to rlm@0: fix whatever is burdening our relationship or at least to share that rlm@0: burden with Sakura. Thanks, Diary, sometimes it's nice to have rlm@0: somewhere to write all this down and analyze your thoughts. That rlm@0: really helped me today. rlm@0: rlm@0: ****************************** rlm@0: rlm@0: April 7, 1997 rlm@0: rlm@0: Some time ago, someone - I am not sure who - said to me that too rlm@0: much wisdom, too much knowledge poisons the mind. It sounded like the rlm@0: words of a wise man then and even more so now. I wonder if I would rlm@0: have been better off listening to them... rlm@0: Okay, that sounds very gloomy. There is enough motivation for rlm@0: that though. Thinking my dearest Sakura had to go through all... rlm@0: this... terrible... things. I had wanted to know. Now I knew and I rlm@0: feel a certain numbness and a deep sadness coming from that knowledge. rlm@0: But I am not making much sense to you, do I? So I better start rlm@0: from the beginning. rlm@0: My decision made I had wanted to go over early to Sakura and rlm@0: make her tell me about all that bothered her lately. That is where I rlm@0: got my first surprise, finding the demure and rather meek-looking rlm@0: brunette at my doorstep, appearing for all it was worth like a rlm@0: chastened child. I immediately felt sick in my heart, knowing that I rlm@0: was probably one of the main reasons for her state. After writing my rlm@0: thoughts down, I had lain awake for some time, regret beginning to rlm@0: plague me. Regret for some of the harsh words traded and the rlm@0: accusation I had so blindly uttered. I knew that something was rlm@0: troubling Sakura and that she just wanted to shield me from it. rlm@0: Certainly I hadn't done her a favor with my explosion of temper, as rlm@0: rare as it was. rlm@0: Therefore I was quick to assure her that I wasn't at all angry rlm@0: with her anymore when she practically begged for forgiveness. I felt rlm@0: so terrible that moment, seeing her so lost and obviously torn inside. rlm@0: How could I have ever even thought that she doesn't trust me? The rlm@0: appearance she gave yesterday morning spoke more than the revelation rlm@0: of any secret how devoted she is to me, how much she depends on my rlm@0: presence and love. rlm@0: After we had calmed down a little, Sakura asked me if I still rlm@0: wanted to know. She revealed that it might not make a difference rlm@0: anymore soon and she probably couldn't shield me from what was to rlm@0: come. As gentle as possible I made her see that I wanted to know rlm@0: EVERYTHING that was going on in her life. We were a couple, and rlm@0: couples share such things, they share everything. We were so close rlm@0: already and despite feeling like dirt at the moment, I hated to not rlm@0: being able to care for my Sakura properly, not knowing what it was rlm@0: that bothered her. rlm@0: Sakura just smiled at me a little sadly but with more fondness rlm@0: and love I had seen her do in a long while. And then she told me. rlm@0: Kami, yes, she told me... everything! I sat there just listening, numb rlm@0: with shock over some of the things that were revealed to me that very rlm@0: moment. rlm@0: I am not sure I should write all this down, I am not sure I even rlm@0: can. However, I feel that if someone ever reads this, they deserve to rlm@0: know about what that innocent, gentle creature had to go through, what rlm@0: kind of future she left behind by risking so much to come here and set rlm@0: things right. Set things right mostly for me. I don't think I really rlm@0: deserve that, I feel insignificant compared to Sakura's big heart. She rlm@0: had made clear to me that what she did wasn't done primarily in order rlm@0: to save the world from the terrible future she had witnessed but in rlm@0: the first place it was because of me. Her wish while confronting Time rlm@0: wasn't about setting things right for the world, that had only been in rlm@0: the back of her mind. Her sole motivation was for me and the love she rlm@0: felt she owed me. It's all so amazing and hard to believe, how can I rlm@0: even hope to compare to that with my meager devotion? rlm@0: Still, I wanted to tell you of what happened in that future rlm@0: Sakura left and might as well do so. Everything started out as rlm@0: normally as you may expect. Sakura and Syaoran were happy. All three rlm@0: of us had stuck together all the way up to and through High School. It rlm@0: was after graduation that IT happened. No one on Earth at that time rlm@0: truly knew what exactly caused it, where the malevolent creature came rlm@0: from. However, when She began to emerge and reign terror on the cities rlm@0: of the planet it was like the very definition of hell, many brave rlm@0: warriors and magicians fell to Her infinite seeming power. In the rlm@0: matter of a few month the world became a place darker than night, rlm@0: filled with death and despair. rlm@0: In Greek mythology there is a tale about a box that the first rlm@0: woman on Earth opened because she was curious. This box harbored all rlm@0: of the humanity's darker emotion. Fear, jealousy, hate, greed, bigotry rlm@0: (you can continue that list endlessly). The woman was named Pandora rlm@0: and the box had become known as Pandora's Box. I am not sure whether rlm@0: it is a coincidence, a connection or just the perverted humor of fate rlm@0: but the creature that had wrecked havoc in Sakura's future had been rlm@0: aptly named Pandora as well. rlm@0: The little Sakura described about her still sent shivers down my rlm@0: spine, thinking about the emotions alone I saw in her normally vivid rlm@0: and cheerful eyes and heard in her soft, whispered tones. Fear. There rlm@0: was fear. Not anger or loathing or rage at the unbelievable things rlm@0: that evil creature had done to her and Earth. Those emotions were rlm@0: there too, but they were insignificant compared to the fear and the rlm@0: terror emitting from Sakura speaking of her experience. Eriol said rlm@0: that Sakura was the strongest mage on Earth now and to just think rlm@0: about something or someone evoking such strong reactions from my rlm@0: beloved is... unsettling doesn't even begin to describe it. rlm@0: Pandora had turned Earth into a world of terror and fear and rlm@0: there was no one able to stop her path of destruction. Sakura rlm@0: described her as something very old, totally incapable of having rlm@0: positive emotion. Her whole being was a reflection, the epitome of any rlm@0: dark emotion you could come up with. Her whole purpose was to turn rlm@0: everything into oblivion in the most painful, torturous way possible. rlm@0: Her powers were so massive that compared to her Sakura's own seemed rlm@0: like comparing an ant with an elephant. rlm@0: And the worst part is, Sakura steadfastly believes that the same rlm@0: thing might happen again very soon if she doesn't do something about rlm@0: it in advance. rlm@0: That is what she has been doing the last months, using the cards rlm@0: to predict the future and possible chances to prevent the fate that rlm@0: had befallen her own time from happening here. I cried for Sakura's rlm@0: grief at her description at how Pandora had come for her as well and rlm@0: how she had to watch first Syaoran's death and then my own. She rlm@0: visibly relieved that moment and it was a torturing experience. I rlm@0: realized then that it must have been that moment that Sakura finally rlm@0: realized my feelings and that still makes me choke back an angry sob. rlm@0: That is not how I would have wanted Sakura to find out. I know she was rlm@0: caring so much for all those close to her and that she could never rlm@0: live with my death. That is why I had sworn to myself that even if rlm@0: Sakura ended up with Syaoran and we drifted apart, I wouldn't do rlm@0: anything rash and stupid. I know I would just make Sakura sad and hate rlm@0: herself and that is a thought I cannot stand. rlm@0: I had to hold and reassure her for almost half an hour before rlm@0: she managed to calm down. I smoothed the embarrassment Sakura felt at rlm@0: having broken down like that immediately, making sure that she knows I rlm@0: would and will never do anything like this on purpose. Not that I have rlm@0: a reason now but it was very important at that moment to soothe those rlm@0: fears. rlm@0: I wasn't quite sure what to do or say to soothe her fears about rlm@0: Pandora though. Sakura hadn't even done more when describing rlm@0: superficially what happened and I can tell where is a lot still left rlm@0: untold (which right now really isn't much of a bad thing). Just from rlm@0: watching how terrified the usually brave and determined girl was of rlm@0: that evil creature put me at a loss for words. What could little, rlm@0: unimportant me do after all? All I managed was that weak reminder of rlm@0: her magic phrase again. Everything would surely be alright. Yeah sure, rlm@0: I am quite sure I had said the same thing in her future and I know now rlm@0: that it hadn't helped a tiny bit. rlm@0: Thinking along these lines I was rather surprised to find Sakura rlm@0: looking at me with a serious expression, a flicker of that rlm@0: breathtaking determination in her eyes. Then she said the absolutely rlm@0: sweetest thing. That this phrase held little meaning without me there. rlm@0: I breathed life into the phrase, gave it a purpose, a direction. That rlm@0: as long as I was there that everything WILL always be alright. And rlm@0: that because of me and us being together, my love fueling her, pushing rlm@0: me onward, she might be able to change the future and make it better rlm@0: for us. That is why she had pushed herself so hardly lately, to rlm@0: prevent all this from happening. For me. rlm@0: ME. rlm@0: Wow. rlm@0: My expression must have been priceless that moment. But Sakura rlm@0: didn't express her obviously humor, just a fond, loving smile, rlm@0: followed by a kiss so sensual and utterly devouring I felt like I was rlm@0: being sucked right into her. My body is still shaking from the rlm@0: feelings coursing through me. I could feel all the pent up rlm@0: frustrations of the last months but also all the love she felt for me. rlm@0: I realized then that until that moment that as much as I thought I rlm@0: knew how lucky I was, how much Sakura loved me and was willing to give rlm@0: for me, I never had completely understood. rlm@0: I am not sure if we can weather that storm. I really am not as rlm@0: much as I wish to fuel myself but... I will have faith in Sakura and rlm@0: if she wishes me to be by her side, supporting her as much as I can, rlm@0: then I will. I will believe in my angel, my savior. If anyone can do rlm@0: it, she can. rlm@0: rlm@0: THE END (for now) rlm@0: rlm@0: Author's Notes rlm@0: rlm@0: Okay, this might seem a little cut off and doesn't explain everything, rlm@0: probably only serves to open up more questions. But that was wholly rlm@0: intended that way. I think I revealed already more than I wanted at rlm@0: that point anyway. rlm@0: This is going to be part of a bigger project, a background story so to rlm@0: say but you can read it as a stand alone as well (I hope). There will rlm@0: be one more installment (probably featuring two parts) that will tie rlm@0: things up for the background story and Sakura and Tomoyo's rlm@0: involvement. Seeing that Maia seems to have a good inspiration streak rlm@0: right now, you may see it sooner than you think. rlm@0: Don't worry Sailormoon fans as I said this will tie into a bigger rlm@0: project and you will soon get to see something of it (always assuming rlm@0: Maia complies). rlm@0: rlm@0: Some things to clear up. rlm@0: First off, I changed a tiny amount of things in "The Different Path". rlm@0: No real revision but more little details that are necessary. I am a rlm@0: perfectionist than writing, especially concerning facts like a working rlm@0: timeline that makes sense. I realized that the birth year given for rlm@0: Tomoyo on her tombstone has actually to be one year earlier or she'll rlm@0: end up younger than Sakura. Why this might be possible, it doesn't rlm@0: work out for the timeline of the greater project. That's really a