rlm@0: rlm@0: Even in the Cold Night rlm@0: Tomoyo shortfic rlm@0: by Meimi rlm@0: ksainttail@aol.com rlm@0: rlm@0: --------- rlm@0: rlm@0: I shut the door to my room softly...I don't like being interrupted when I'm watching my rlm@0: videos. rlm@0: What videos, you ask? rlm@0: If you know anything about me, that should be obvious. rlm@0: But maybe you don't, so I'll just tell you. rlm@0: They're not any kind of movie title you can buy in a store...though I watch as many of rlm@0: those as the next girl. But these are much more special. These are things I treasure; I always rlm@0: know I'll smile when the screen flickers to life out of the darkness... rlm@0: Because they're of the person I love. rlm@0: Hm? Who? Not a movie star, no. rlm@0: Sorry. It's a secret. rlm@0: Too much of a secret for even my own good...because even she doesn't know; doesn't rlm@0: realize. rlm@0: rlm@0: --- rlm@0: ne, does everyone become this lonely when they fall in love? rlm@0: --- rlm@0: rlm@0: It's funny that way, isn't it? How I record her every movement on videotape...so I can rlm@0: take it home with me, and relive every second I'm with her. I can push pause, and just watch her rlm@0: smiling face...forever. A moment in her life is an eternity for me. And just with this, I'm rlm@0: content. rlm@0: So...isn't it funny, how while my eyes never leave her face...never wanting to waste a rlm@0: second with her...and how I notice every detail... rlm@0: And yet she never figures it out? rlm@0: Un. I love her. rlm@0: But she'll never know. rlm@0: rlm@0: -- rlm@0: ne, even more than the black darkness, does deep pain embrace you? rlm@0: -- rlm@0: rlm@0: A slight smile tugs at my lips as I toy with a strand of my hair...the hair grown out rlm@0: long like my mother wanted... rlm@0: My mother was in love too, once. Ever since she was young... rlm@0: But her heart was slowly, slowly broken over the years. Slowly shattering as she sank into rlm@0: jealousy. rlm@0: She couldn't stand watching her loved one be happy with someone else. rlm@0: rlm@0: -- rlm@0: all of it was only for our sake, so that we could shine, i'm certain rlm@0: -- rlm@0: rlm@0: ...my mother's become bitter about it over the years. I look at her, seeing how she rlm@0: hasn't moved on at all after Nadeshiko-san's death, and I can feel my heart aching. Each time I rlm@0: notice that faraway look in her eyes...her gaze shifting to that chest where a bouquet is locked rlm@0: away...the flowers dried and dead. rlm@0: Like my mother. Those flowers...they're where my mother's life stopped, when she pushed rlm@0: pause. rlm@0: Ever since I can remember, I've grown up watching my mother thinking of "what-if"s over rlm@0: all these years. She won't allow herself to forgive, to forget...and she still says angrily that rlm@0: Nadeshiko-san was stolen away, still glares at Fujitaka-san with eyes like ice. rlm@0: But she doesn't understand. Nadeshiko-san was happy, really happy because she fell in rlm@0: love. rlm@0: I love my mother so much. rlm@0: But she was so selfish. rlm@0: And somethimes, it makes me wonder, did she ever really, I mean *really*, love rlm@0: Nadeshiko-san at all? rlm@0: Because...when I see my loved one's face lighting up with joy...her emerald eyes rlm@0: sparkling...a smile making everyone's day brighter... rlm@0: rlm@0: -- rlm@0: you, i love you, i'm watching you in my heart rlm@0: -- rlm@0: rlm@0: It makes my heart fill up with joy in those moments, and I'd do anything at all to keep rlm@0: her smiling forever. rlm@0: Even giving her up? rlm@0: Of course. I won't let heartache kill me bit by bit. Every time I catch a glimpse of rlm@0: longing in my mother's eyes when she mentions Nadeshiko-san's name...I think to myself, promise rlm@0: myself, that I won't let myself become like her. I'll be so happy for the one I love, my heart rlm@0: will continue overflowing with these feelings always...so that I can always keep an honest smile rlm@0: on my face; never even think of the word "regret". rlm@0: Because, ne, she has someone she loves, too. rlm@0: Someone she can confide in...someone who knows her...someone who'll be able to rlm@0: understand her feelings as well as me. rlm@0: rlm@0: -- rlm@0: you, i believe in you, even in the cold night rlm@0: -- rlm@0: rlm@0: ...maybe she doesn't even know she loves him herself, yet. But I can tell. She trusts rlm@0: him, it's just the way she looks at him. These days, she's ever so slowly moving away from rlm@0: me...going to him with her problems...he's her shoulder to cry on now. rlm@0: Not me. rlm@0: rlm@0: -- rlm@0: with my eyes, i call out to you now rlm@0: -- rlm@0: rlm@0: And why I don't say this bitterly, in a voice tainted with anger and regret? So cold to rlm@0: the world, because she has Li-kun always...and I only have her smiling face on videotape to rlm@0: console me when I feel heartbroken? rlm@0: There are times when I do wonder; why do I always shove them together? Why don't I try to rlm@0: get between them? I could. If I did...I could play make-believe...she could be mine rlm@0: forever...and then... rlm@0: ...and then I'd be exactly like my mother was. Always in denial of what was meant to be. rlm@0: I won't ruin this. rlm@0: I'll watch her quietly from the sidelines- never getting too close, too involved in her rlm@0: love. I won't stand between the two of them. rlm@0: Why? rlm@0: Because she'll be happy, of course. rlm@0: rlm@0: rlm@0: "I..." I hesitate for just a moment, looking away. "I want the one I love to be happy, rlm@0: more than to love me in return." rlm@0: I turn my gaze back to her...her sweet eyes staring into mine...so full of innocent rlm@0: confusion. rlm@0: "...are you saying, you don't even care if the one you love doesn't love you?" rlm@0: I shut my eyes, replying softly. rlm@0: "Of course, I would be happy if that person returned my love." rlm@0: I open them, smiling at her. rlm@0: It's not a forced smile, it's genuine and real. rlm@0: I can't be bitter, because... rlm@0: "Because...the one I love being happy...is the greatest happiness of all." rlm@0: She blinks, the thought taking a moment to register for her...she seems completely in rlm@0: the dark. rlm@0: But for one moment, I see understanding flickering inside those emerald gems... rlm@0: And then it's gone as she smiles at me. rlm@0: "...I'm sure, the one Tomoyo-chan loves is really happy." rlm@0: I gaze at her...and for a moment, it's just like I've pushed pause on the video; I feel rlm@0: like I could live inside this moment forever... rlm@0: And she turns away, and it's gone. rlm@0: rlm@0: rlm@0: ...I hope you're right, Sakura-chan. rlm@0: That you're happy. rlm@0: rlm@0: -- rlm@0: i don't want your promises rlm@0: with my eyes, i reach out to you now rlm@0: even in the cold night