rlm@0: Arigatou rlm@0: by Riesz Fenrir rlm@0: rlm@0: Disclaimer: I don't own CLAMP or Card Captor Sakura. In fact, CLAMP rlm@0: and Card Captor Sakura own me. They own you too, admit it. ^_^ rlm@0: rlm@0: This is the first fanfic I've ever written, about any series, so rlm@0: please don't flame me too hard for it. ^_^; Die-hard fans may well be rlm@0: able to find some inaccuracies, since I've not seen that much of rlm@0: ::cough:: "Cardcaptors" and even less of CCS itself. In fact, this is rlm@0: largely based on the manga, which I have a lot more of (plus it's rlm@0: cuter ^_^). Oh, and a warning: this is angst, pure and simple. Don't rlm@0: expect happy endings. rlm@0: rlm@0: Stuff in = thoughts. rlm@0: rlm@0: rlm@0: rlm@0: ~~~ rlm@0: rlm@0: <"You don't know just how much.... I love you, Sakura."> rlm@0: rlm@0: Tomoyo sat on the bed in the middle of her expansive, rlm@0: exquisitely-decorated quarters at the Daidouji mansion. Not that one rlm@0: would be able to tell from a glance around the room that intricately- rlm@0: patterned magnolia wallpaper, or indeed anything at all, lay behind rlm@0: the countless photographs of Sakura that covered the walls ceiling to rlm@0: floor. One more rested in Tomoyo's hands as she gazed absently out of rlm@0: the window towards Tomoeda Elementary. rlm@0: Tomoyo knew rlm@0: she ought to be at school too, but over these past few weeks, it rlm@0: seemed, Sakura and Syaoran had been getting closer. A *lot* closer. rlm@0: Tomoyo sighed. What was her problem anyway? She had always said she'd rlm@0: be happy if Sakura was happy. And Syaoran did make Sakura happy.... rlm@0: which was the one thing that tore Tomoyo's heart to shreds. Seeing rlm@0: them together like that.... holding hands, laughing...... rlm@0: So here she was, alone in her room, pretending to be too sick rlm@0: to go. rlm@0: Tomoyo's gaze returned to the picture in her hand. rlm@0: rlm@0: Most of the pictures that lined Tomoyo's walls were of Sakura rlm@0: as only Tomoyo knew her; as the Card Captor, the defender of Tomoeda rlm@0: from the Clow Cards' evil...... but this, this was just everday, rlm@0: ordinary Sakura, smiling as she made her way to school. Only there rlm@0: had never been anything "everyday" or "ordinary" about Sakura. She rlm@0: was perfection itself..... the touch of her smooth, soft, lightly- rlm@0: tanned skin..... the way the light danced in those intense, emerald- rlm@0: green eyes when she smiled..... the sweet scent of her short auburn rlm@0: hair..... the gentleness of her voice.... all things that could melt rlm@0: Tomoyo in a heartbeat. rlm@0: rlm@0: A single hot tear slid down Tomoyo's cheek and fell onto the rlm@0: photograph. Her hand, seemingly independent of her conscious mind, rlm@0: reached behind her and groped for something on the bedside table. rlm@0: Tomoyo's trembling hands unsheathed the small penknife as she brought rlm@0: it back into her tear-blurred view. Her eyes closed, squeezing out rlm@0: another tear. rlm@0: rlm@0: The sound of Tomoyo's own scream broke into her thoughts, rlm@0: jolting her back to reality. A place to which she had no desire to rlm@0: return any longer. She didn't need to open her eyes to feel the blood rlm@0: trickling down her arm. Concentrating on the warm sensation, allowing rlm@0: the darkness to encapsulate her senses, coccooning her within rlm@0: herself.... as the initial stinging sensation faded, it began to feel rlm@0: calming, almost.... comforting. Tomoyo wrapped her arms around rlm@0: herself and huddled blindly into her pillows. rlm@0: rlm@0: As if answering her silent call, the phone rang. Reluctantly, rlm@0: almost tentatively, Tomoyo opened her eyes and released the pillow rlm@0: she was hugging, reaching for the pink cellphone with clammy, rlm@0: bloodstained fingers. rlm@0: "M...moshi-moshi?" she half-whispered, her voice weak and shaky. rlm@0: "Tomoyo-chan?" While she knew that only Sakura would ever call rlm@0: her on this phone, the sound of her voice still made her heart jump rlm@0: unexpectedly. rlm@0: "...Hai......" rlm@0: "I was just calling to see how you were..... Terada-sensei rlm@0: said you weren't feeling too good......" rlm@0: "......I'm okay......." rlm@0: "You don't sound it, Tomoyo-chan.......... Do you want me to rlm@0: come over?" rlm@0: Tomoyo took a deep breath. "........Onegai............... if rlm@0: it's not too much trouble.............." rlm@0: Sakura laughed a little on the other end of the phone. "Of rlm@0: course not, baka! Nothing's too much trouble for my best friend!" rlm@0: ".......Arigatou..........." rlm@0: "Okay, I'll be there right away. Ja ne..." rlm@0: "......Ja ne." The line went dead as Sakura hung up. rlm@0: For the ten minutes it took for Sakura to arrive, Tomoyo sat rlm@0: cross-legged on the bed, motionless, her back to the door. She rlm@0: clutched her left arm tightly to her chest, deep crimson fluid rlm@0: soaking into her nightshirt, the pain now reduced to a dull throb. It rlm@0: was in this state that Sakura found her. rlm@0: "Tomoyo-chan.....?" Sakura's soft, inquiring voice floated rlm@0: into her thoughts, at first a distant echo, a lingering echo of a rlm@0: long-faded dream..... then gradually, the voice became clearer, rlm@0: sharper, as though the one she dreamed of stood right by her rlm@0: side......... rlm@0: "Tomoyo-chan?" rlm@0: Tomoyo's eyes flickered open to see Sakura's questioning face, rlm@0: a mixture of concern and anxiety in those deep, all-encapsulating rlm@0: green eyes. rlm@0: "Tomoyo-chan, are you...." Sakura gasped a little as Tomoyo's rlm@0: hand shifted, uncovering the stains on her shirt. "Tomoyo-chan! rlm@0: You're hurt...." rlm@0: Tomoyo whimpered a little as Sakura sat down beside her and rlm@0: gently moved her arm away from her chest to examine the wound. "How rlm@0: did......" Sakura began, stopping in her tracks when her gaze was rlm@0: caught by the bloodied penknife that still lay on the bedclothes. Her rlm@0: eyes turned back to Tomoyo's, green orbs of disbelief meeting greyish- rlm@0: blue pools of fear. A single word escaped her lips. "Why.......?" rlm@0: Tomoyo struggled to break the intensity of Sakura's gaze, but rlm@0: failed. Slowly, her right hand opened to reveal the crumpled, tear- rlm@0: stained picture she had been clutching the entire time. Sakura rlm@0: glanced down at it, then back at Tomoyo, a blank look in her eyes. "I rlm@0: don't understand, Tomoyo-chan...." Another tear silently slid down rlm@0: Tomoyo's cheek, and Sakura absently wiped it away with her rlm@0: fingertips, causing the dark-haired girl to shudder slightly at her rlm@0: friend's tender touch. rlm@0: "S...Sakura-chan....... I.......I......." Tomoyo's cheeks rlm@0: reddened suddenly as the realisation of just how close Sakura was rlm@0: dawned upon her. Suddenly dumbstruck, in a momentary lapse of rlm@0: rational thought she leaned in closer to Sakura and briefly allowed rlm@0: their lips to brush. rlm@0: It did. rlm@0: Sakura jumped back suddenly, her mind swirling with confusion rlm@0: that quickly turned to dizzying realisation. She stared at Tomoyo, who returned the gaze, her eyes rlm@0: threatening tears once more, pleading for acceptance. Sakura felt rlm@0: tears sting her own eyes too as she realised that for the first time rlm@0: in their lives there was nothing she could do to help her friend. rlm@0: "I...... I'm sorry........... Tomoyo-chan.........." Her words barely rlm@0: came out as a whisper, but they were clear enough to Tomoyo. Feeling rlm@0: powerless to do anything else, Sakura turned and fled from the room. rlm@0: rlm@0: ~~~ rlm@0: rlm@0: Too shaken by Tomoyo's unspoken revelation to return to school, rlm@0: Sakura made her way towards Penguin Park in a haze. She sat down heavily inside the great King Penguin that was rlm@0: seemingly Tomoeda's primary landmark, leaning back against its inner rlm@0: walls with an anguished sigh. It wasn't that this kind of thing rlm@0: disgusted her.... it wasn't even that new to her, really. After all, rlm@0: her brother and Yukito..... But somehow, Tomoyo's actions today had rlm@0: changed things between them. The dark-haired girl was her best rlm@0: friend, she had been since third grade, and Sakura couldn't imagine rlm@0: what her life would be like without her, but... after today, she rlm@0: thought, a sickening feeling growing in her stomach at the fact that rlm@0: she could think of her best friend with such callousness, she wasn't rlm@0: sure if she could ever feel comfortable around Tomoyo again. Not in rlm@0: the same way. rlm@0: "Hoeeee......." rlm@0: rlm@0: ~~~ rlm@0: rlm@0: Tomoyo's eyes were fixated on the screen as she sat alone in her rlm@0: video room, the almost stifling darkness illuminated only by the glow rlm@0: of the projected image. The penknife dangled limply from her fingers, rlm@0: crimson liquid flowing freely down the smooth blade from the deep rlm@0: gashes in her wrists, seeming almost black in the half-light. rlm@0: The on-screen Sakura smiled and waved, and Tomoyo couldn't rlm@0: help but manage a wavering attempt at a smile in return. rlm@0: rlm@0: Sakura's image blurred and flickered as as a mixture of rlm@0: sadness, pain and resignation brought new tears to her reddened eyes rlm@0: once more. And as the last scenes of Tomoyo's home movie faded to rlm@0: black, so did Tomoyo's world.... forever. rlm@0: rlm@0: <"Thank you for all your tenderness.... rlm@0: Thank you for all your happiness.... rlm@0: Thank you for all your kindness.... rlm@0: Thank you for all your everything............."> rlm@0: rlm@0: ~~~ rlm@0: rlm@0: Glossary of Japanese terms: rlm@0: arigatou = thank you rlm@0: -chan= affectionate suffix, used between friends, lovers, people who rlm@0: are close rlm@0: moshi-moshi = what the Japanese say when they answer the phone rlm@0: hai = yes rlm@0: -sensei = suffix used for teachers etc. rlm@0: onegai = please rlm@0: baka = silly, stupid, etc. rlm@0: ja ne = see you later rlm@0: hoeee = just Sakura's favourite little expression rlm@0: rlm@0: Author's notes: Crying yet? ;_; Probably with tears of frustration rlm@0: at how people such as me can be allowed to call themselves rlm@0: writers..... Still, I had a go, can't say I didn't. I love S&T fluff rlm@0: as much as the next shoujo-ai fan, it's true, but I don't think there rlm@0: are enough fics out there that deal with the harsh reality - that, rlm@0: while we all know Tomoyo loves Sakura, Sakura almost certainly would rlm@0: not return her feelings... ;_; Also, this was inspired by real, rlm@0: personal feelings, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't riff it no rlm@0: matter how much you think it sucks. Thanks.... and if you liked, or rlm@0: you didn't like, or you want to throw comments/criticism/whatevers my rlm@0: way, email me at fenrirknight@hotmail.com. I promise to reply to all rlm@0: non-flames. rlm@0: rlm@0: Now go and read some fluff! ^_^ rlm@0: rlm@0: