rlm@0: (Author's Note: This is my first Card Captor Sakura fanfiction and,
rlm@0: at the time of its writing, I have only seen the first four episodes
rlm@0: of the series and read none of the manga, so please forgive any
rlm@0: errors I have made. I've also decided to, for this piece, neglect
rlm@0: most of the plot of the series and just stick to playing with the
rlm@0: characters. Also, some parts of the fic were written at insane hours
rlm@0: of early morning and so may be a little.... strange. Nevertheless, I
rlm@0: hope you enjoy the fic. *takes a little bow*) 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
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rlm@0: ----------- 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: So Much Easier 
rlm@0: by Althea K. 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: "Coming, coming," Sakura called out, covering the mouthpiece of her
rlm@0: cell phone temporarily. She trotted, barefoot, to the door, still
rlm@0: listening with one ear to her father's voice. She peered out to see
rlm@0: who her visitor was, but could see only darkness. A frown pouted her
rlm@0: lips. "Hmph." 
rlm@0: "Is something wrong, dear?" 
rlm@0: "No, it's just... I could've *sworn* someone was knocking at the
rlm@0: door, but there's no one there." 
rlm@0: "That's odd.." 
rlm@0: Sakura opened the door and peeked out, a bit nervously, into the
rlm@0: night. "Hello? Is someone out here?" Silence was the only reply.
rlm@0: "Hrmph." Her eyes narrowed as she wondered if perhaps some
rlm@0: neighborhood children were playing a prank on her, only to widen as
rlm@0: she finally noticed the small package at her foot. She knelt to
rlm@0: retrieve it. "Hey, Dad, were you expecting a package or something?"
rlm@0: she asked, turning it carefully in her hand. 
rlm@0: "No.." 
rlm@0: "Odd. I'm not, either.. But here one is." 
rlm@0: "A bit *late* for mail delivery, isn't it?" 
rlm@0: Sakura muttered her agreement, glancing about one last time before
rlm@0: reentering the house and shutting the door behind her. "Maybe someone
rlm@0: left it for Touya?" she suggested doubtfully. "But it's been ages
rlm@0: since he's lived here... Who would send him anything at this
rlm@0: address?" In the light of the house she examined the brown paper
rlm@0: covering the rectangular package. "There doesn't seem to be a name on
rlm@0: it... Oh, wait." She squinted and bowed her head in, having
rlm@0: discovered one small word typed almost unnoticeably onto the
rlm@0: packaging: Sakura. "Huh. It's for me." 
rlm@0: "An early birthday present, maybe?" 
rlm@0: Sakura laughed. "If it is, it's *really* early." 
rlm@0: "True.. Oh, honey, I'm sorry, but I have to go now. My
rlm@0: presentation's in five minutes and I still haven't organized all my
rlm@0: notes." 
rlm@0: "Ah, it's okay. You want me to leave you something in the fridge for
rlm@0: when you get home?" 
rlm@0: "You're so sweet! That would be wonderful; thank you." 
rlm@0: "No problem. Good luck with your presentation." 
rlm@0: Sakura shut off her phone after their parting words and headed into
rlm@0: the kitchen. Carefully, she broke the tape bindings with a small
rlm@0: steak knife and removed the brown paper wrap. "A video cassette?" She
rlm@0: quirked an eyebrow. Replacing the steak knife, she turned the
rlm@0: cassette around in her hands to read its title. Her eyes widened.
rlm@0: "'The True Confessions of Daidouji Tomoyo'??" she read aloud. "So
rlm@0: that was Tomoyo-chan at the door..." she mumbled numbly to herself,
rlm@0: her mind still twitching nervously around the idea of "true
rlm@0: confessions". She glanced toward the door as if she expected her
rlm@0: friend to still be there, then slowly turned back to the cassette.
rlm@0: "This isn't like Tomoyo-chan at all.. not even stopping in to say
rlm@0: 'hello'..." Concern creased her brow as she tapped her fingers
rlm@0: worriedly against the hard plastic casing of the tape. After a long
rlm@0: moment of hesitation, Sakura picked up her phone and headed for her
rlm@0: bedroom. "Plenty of time to cook something for Dad later..." she
rlm@0: mumbled. She popped the cassette into her VCR, snapped her television
rlm@0: on, and plopped down onto her bed. The VCR came to life with a click
rlm@0: and a whirr and in moments Tomoyo's image lit up the screen, moving
rlm@0: backwards to sit in front of the camcorder. 
rlm@0: "Hello, Sakura-chan.." 
rlm@0: "Hi, Tomoyo-chan," Sakura blurted out before she could remember she
rlm@0: was talking to a recording. She blushed lightly, embarrassed by her
rlm@0: mistake, but this faded quickly as she took in the scene that her
rlm@0: friend had recorded. Tomoyo sat alone in her darkened room, her face
rlm@0: sad and her voice trembling slightly. Her skin seemed even paler than
rlm@0: usual somehow, even under the blue cast that the darkness painted her
rlm@0: with. Sakura's heart grew heavy with concern. 
rlm@0: "I guess you've already seen the title of this little recording, so
rlm@0: you have some idea of what I'm doing here.. Like I wrote, it's a
rlm@0: confession... *my* confession. There are so many things that I've
rlm@0: been wanting to tell you over the years we've been friends, but I
rlm@0: just never had the courage to say them to you... You always were the
rlm@0: brave one, Sakura-chan." The image of Tomoyo punctuated her statement
rlm@0: with a tight, pained smile. "I always thought that I'd tell you when
rlm@0: you were older, but even now that you're older, I'm still a coward.
rlm@0: I'd hoped that by this time it would all be just a mildly
rlm@0: uncomfortable memory, you know? I thought I could tell you about it
rlm@0: and we'd look back together and laugh at my childhood foolishness.
rlm@0: Well, I'm eighteen now and I'm still not laughing." Tomoyo's image
rlm@0: paused and rubbed her palms against her pant legs. "Hell, I'm wishing
rlm@0: now I could just go back in time, so things could be like that
rlm@0: again.. I could at least be a little naive then. It still hurt, but
rlm@0: it didn't hurt this much, and even if I was a little scared by my
rlm@0: feelings when I was a kid, I wasn't terrified like I am now. Sakura-
rlm@0: chan... I'm... I'm so *scared*!" 
rlm@0: Sakura could feel Tomoyo shuddering as the image drew her arms
rlm@0: across her chest, hugging her knees into herself. "Tomoyo-chan," she
rlm@0: whimpered. "Please don't be scared, Tomoyo-chan..." 
rlm@0: "I'm sorry, Sakura-chan... It just hurts so *much* sometimes... I
rlm@0: can't take this anymore... Keeping it all a secret..." The image of
rlm@0: Tomoyo shook her head as she unfolded from herself. "I.. I just can't
rlm@0: keep it all inside of me anymore...!" 
rlm@0: "So tell me already!" Sakura cried out to the recording, too
rlm@0: frustrated and curious to be embarrassed now. 
rlm@0: "Sakura-chan..." Sakura leaned in eagerly to listen as Tomoyo
rlm@0: appeared to hesitate. "I..." 
rlm@0: "...Yes??" 
rlm@0: "Do you... remember... when we were children?" 
rlm@0: Sakura blinked. "Uhmm.." 
rlm@0: "I do. I remember it all like it was yesterday... I know, I know. It
rlm@0: sounds corny, doesn't it." 
rlm@0: Sakura couldn't help but grin as she saw Tomoyo's mouth quirk up
rlm@0: into a tiny smile. "Actually, yes, it does." 
rlm@0: "We were always such good friends... I'm not saying we're not still,
rlm@0: I'm just saying that... there was... I don't know. There was an
rlm@0: innocence to us back then, you know? And it's missing now. There's
rlm@0: just something *off* about us now, and it's my fault." 
rlm@0: Sakura lost her smile. "Tomoyo-chan..." 
rlm@0: "It... It would've been so much easier if we could've stayed
rlm@0: children forever, wouldn't it? I mean... Despite all we went through
rlm@0: with the Clow Cards and all... we still had some pretty good times,
rlm@0: didn't we? I'd make you those ridiculously cute little battle
rlm@0: costumes and video tape you wearing them... I miss that. You know, I
rlm@0: don't know if I could make things like that again if I tried... Back
rlm@0: then I could always just picture you wearing it to fight Clow Cards
rlm@0: and think about how cute it would be, and how much fun we would have,
rlm@0: and I could just *do* it, you know? But now.. Everything I make for
rlm@0: you just seems so... *lifeless*, somehow. It's still nice, but it's
rlm@0: never the same, never quite so much fun. Getting older just kinda
rlm@0: sucked all the fun out of everything, you see? Nothing's the same
rlm@0: anymore.. Everything I do now, I have to examine my motivations; I
rlm@0: have to think about it.. Oh, Sakura-chan, I wish we could be kids
rlm@0: again! I'd give anything to be able to feel the way I did then again.
rlm@0: I didn't have to think about why my heart was racing and whether it
rlm@0: was wrong to feel that way then; I could just *feel* it and *enjoy*
rlm@0: it. I could say things to you without having to think so much about
rlm@0: how you would take it, if you would understand... But as we got
rlm@0: older...." 
rlm@0: There was a long moment of unbearable silence. Sakura's eyes stung
rlm@0: with tears as she waited for her friend to go on. 
rlm@0: "Sakura-chan..." Tomoyo began again at last. "Sakura-chan... I..."
rlm@0: Tomoyo's sigh brushed almost palpably against Sakura's ears. "I love
rlm@0: you. I'm.... *in love* with you." 
rlm@0: Sakura's world held still for a full three seconds. 
rlm@0: "I know you couldn't possibly understand, but... That's why. That's
rlm@0: the reason for... for *everything*. I'm so sorry I never told you...
rlm@0: I just knew it was hopeless, and I didn't want to scare you away.. I
rlm@0: just couldn't bear the thought of telling you and having you not want
rlm@0: to be my friend anymore. You... You mean everything to me, Sakura.
rlm@0: You always have. And I'm sorry I was such a coward... I couldn't tell
rlm@0: you then, and I can't even tell you now... I just let technology do
rlm@0: the uncomfortable work for me," Tomoyo's voice proclaimed bitterly as
rlm@0: her image gestured at the screen. "I'm so weak, Sakura-chan... I wish
rlm@0: I could be strong for you. I wish I could be strong... But you'll
rlm@0: always be the stronger one." 
rlm@0: Sakura fumbled blindly for her phone as Tomoyo's recording spoke on,
rlm@0: until at last her fingers collided with it and she picked it up from
rlm@0: where it lay on her bed. She punched Tomoyo's phone number into
rlm@0: without needing to look at the buttons. Drumming her fingers
rlm@0: impatiently against her thigh, she listened to it ring. 
rlm@0: "...and I knew even then that things could never be the same once I
rlm@0: told you. I couldn't bring myself to find out whether the change
rlm@0: would be for better or worse, fearing so much that we would never be
rlm@0: friends again.... And I still can't. You see, Sakura-chan... There's
rlm@0: another reason why I'm giving you this tape.." 
rlm@0: Sakura's fidgeting grew even more agitated. 
rlm@0: "I probably would've held it all in until something ruptured inside
rlm@0: of me, really, if there weren't this other motivation for me to come
rlm@0: clean with you right now... I... I never told you this, but a while
rlm@0: ago I sent out an application to a college overseas...." 
rlm@0: Sakura's drumming ceased. The phone continued to ring harshly in her
rlm@0: ear. 
rlm@0: "...and I was accepted. The term starts soon... In fact, I've been
rlm@0: packing all day." 
rlm@0: For the first time, Sakura noticed how empty Tomoyo's room appeared
rlm@0: behind her. 
rlm@0: "My flight leaves tonight." 
rlm@0: "No!" Sakura leapt to her feet in a state of panic. Still pressing
rlm@0: the phone to her ear, she grabbed the jacket that Tomoyo had made for
rlm@0: her last birthday off her floor and started pulling it on one-handed. 
rlm@0: "I know this must be a shock to you... but you mustn't try to stop
rlm@0: me. There's nothing you can do about it anyway. By the time you'll
rlm@0: have reached this part of the tape, I should already be well on my
rlm@0: way." 
rlm@0: Sakura stopped halfway to the door. "No..." she whispered. 
rlm@0: "I'm sorry, Sakura-chan.. I'd've loved so much to hold you in my
rlm@0: arms just one last time before I left.." Sakura flopped back down
rlm@0: onto her bed, her entire body feeling numb. It was all too much for
rlm@0: her to take in at once. "I'm taking all my videotapes of you with me,
rlm@0: but I've left behind some copies in my room in case you want to go
rlm@0: back and look at them.. Maybe if you look at them now you'll begin to
rlm@0: see what I've been seeing all along... I'm also taking all your old
rlm@0: battle costumes; they're too small for you now, anyway. But I am
rlm@0: leaving your prom dress; after all, you may need it some time, and
rlm@0: you did look so beautiful in it.. Do you remember the prom, Sakura-
rlm@0: chan? I had so much fun dancing with you..." 
rlm@0: Sakura groaned, sudden floods of memory washing over her. "Kami,"
rlm@0: she breathed. "Was I really that blind???" 
rlm@0: "We ate so much cake that we almost made ourselves sick, and then
rlm@0: left early without our dates to take a walk in the park and watch an
rlm@0: old movie on television... It's funny: I can't even remember my
rlm@0: date's name; can you? He was a pretty nice guy, I think... I didn't
rlm@0: know him very well, and I guess I didn't pay him that much attention.
rlm@0: You were always the center of my own little universe... He could've
rlm@0: had fangs and a dog-tail and I wouldn't've noticed." Tomoyo's sad
rlm@0: chuckle was almost smothered by the recording that erupted in
rlm@0: Sakura's ear, politely informing her that the party did not answer,
rlm@0: as if she hadn't already noticed. 
rlm@0: "Uuhng..." Sakura grunted and lowered her phone, snapping it off
rlm@0: reluctantly. "She's just gotta still be there... She *has* to be...!"
rlm@0: She folded her arms across her chest, her movement only slightly
rlm@0: impaired by the jacket still hanging off one arm. "Tomoyo-chan... You
rlm@0: can't leave me...! We have so much to talk about... You can't just
rlm@0: leave without even letting me discuss this all with you! There're
rlm@0: questions I want to ask you... things I want to say to you..." 
rlm@0: "I... I put everything I have of you together earlier today... All
rlm@0: the costumes, and sketches, and videotapes... *Everything*. Notes
rlm@0: we'd passed each other in class.. Presents you'd given to me...
rlm@0: Photographs I'd taken of you... Even this.." Sakura glanced up
rlm@0: through a thin film of growing tears to see Tomoyo holding what
rlm@0: appeared to be a small glass vial containing something feathery and
rlm@0: somehow familiar. "Can you see this? It's a lock of your hair."
rlm@0: Sakura and Tomoyo's image blushed simultaneously. "I hope you don't
rlm@0: mind... I cut it off while you were sleeping over at my house one
rlm@0: night long ago... I wanted to always remember how soft your hair was,
rlm@0: and how sweet its scent...I've slept with it under my pillow for
rlm@0: years." Tomoyo's image eyed it sadly. "And then today I put it
rlm@0: together with all those other cherished possessions and mementos...
rlm@0: I... I wanted to make a bonfire of them." 
rlm@0: Sakura blinked. "...Bonfire..???" 
rlm@0: "I wanted to destroy everything that reminded me of you so I could
rlm@0: go away and start fresh.. I wanted to burn all bridges connecting me
rlm@0: to you so maybe in time I could learn to forget you... But I just
rlm@0: couldn't do it. I had the match lit in my hand, but I just couldn't
rlm@0: drop it.. It burned right down to my fingertips and still I couldn't
rlm@0: bring myself to let it drop." Sakura peered closer at the screen,
rlm@0: finally seeing Tomoyo's hurt fingertips. "It wasn't so bad, getting
rlm@0: burned... What really hurt was the shame. I felt like such a fool,
rlm@0: unable to rid myself of you, clinging to my pain... Then I thought
rlm@0: that maybe I could just leave it all behind, maybe even give it all
rlm@0: to you, but I guess I wasn't strong enough to do that, either.. The
rlm@0: thought was unbearable. I couldn't stand the idea of not having a
rlm@0: picture of you with me always to keep your face fresh in my mind...
rlm@0: The idea of your face ever fading from my memory...." A tear trickled
rlm@0: down Tomoyo's face. "I suppose, though, that it doesn't really matter
rlm@0: whether I burned it, or gave it away, or packed it up... I'd still be
rlm@0: taking you with me, inside my mind. I don't think I could let go of
rlm@0: you, no matter what. I would feel... empty. Hollow. I don't think I
rlm@0: could ever entirely be myself again without holding onto you in my
rlm@0: heart. I can't imagine life without you... But I can't... I just
rlm@0: can't stand it anymore!" A heart-breaking sob shuddered from her
rlm@0: trembling lips as her tears continued to fall. "I can't stand being
rlm@0: with you every day without really *being with you*. I can't stand the
rlm@0: horrible innocence of your every touch. I can't stand having you so
rlm@0: near to me without being able to call you my own. I... I can't..."
rlm@0: Tomoyo's words disappeared into wrenching sobs and shudders. As the
rlm@0: image of Tomoyo on her screen buried her face in her hands, Sakura's
rlm@0: tears began to fall as well. 
rlm@0: "T-tomoyo-chan.." Sakura moaned. Each minute that passed was its own
rlm@0: small eternity as their tears streamed on without any apparent end. 
rlm@0: "I... I'm sorry, Sakura-chan," Tomoyo at last managed to gasp out
rlm@0: from behind her hands. "I have.. no right... to put you through my
rlm@0: pain." 
rlm@0: "Tomoyo-chaaan..." Sakura sobbed at the screen, frustrated and
rlm@0: confused. 
rlm@0: "I never wanted you to see me cry... You've always been such a sweet
rlm@0: girl, Sakura-chan. I didn't want to put you through any of this.. But
rlm@0: I guess it was inevitable, wasn't it. One can only hold so much in
rlm@0: for so long before it explodes all over everything.. Oh, Sakura-chan,
rlm@0: I've made a real mess of things, haven't I? I wish I knew some way to
rlm@0: set things right again... But you have to know. It wouldn't have been
rlm@0: fair for me not to say anything... never to tell you... Maybe I'm
rlm@0: just being selfish. Or maybe I'm just trying to keep my promise..
rlm@0: Didn't I say that I'd tell you when you were older? I seem to
rlm@0: remember that... I don't know. I'm confused... Another reason why I
rlm@0: have to go away. I need some distance... some time apart from you so
rlm@0: I can think, clear my head a little.. Or maybe I'm just trying to
rlm@0: justify my actions. Maybe the sad truth is really just that I'm a
rlm@0: damnable coward and I'm running away yet again from finding out how
rlm@0: you'll react..." 
rlm@0: Sakura wiped at her eyes as she watched Tomoyo's shoulders slump
rlm@0: pathetically. She picked up the phone again and dialed Tomoyo's cell
rlm@0: phone number with equal parts hopelessness and determination. "C'mon,
rlm@0: Tomoyo-chan, you've *got* to pick up the phone... *Please*, don't
rlm@0: shut me out...." 
rlm@0: "That's why...." Tomoyo's image licked her lips slowly, nervously.
rlm@0: "That's why I'm not telling you where I'm going. Whether I'm running
rlm@0: away or just need some time alone or whatever... I don't feel like I
rlm@0: can handle you knowing where I'm going right now. It's just... so
rlm@0: much *easier* to fade away... You probably won't even notice I'm
rlm@0: gone, after a while, as long as I stay out of touch... You'd probably
rlm@0: be strong enough to make that bonfire, wouldn't you? Maybe... Maybe
rlm@0: I'll let you be rid of me even if I can't be rid of you... At least
rlm@0: one of us will be spared, right?" 
rlm@0: "Tomoyo-chan!" Sakura's voice finally broke out of its paralysis.
rlm@0: "How... How can you even *think* these things!?" She shook her head
rlm@0: in utter disbelief, then dropped to her knees before the television
rlm@0: and pressed her palm against the screen. "Tomoyo-chan, come back to
rlm@0: me... Oh, please, oh, please, come back to me...." 
rlm@0: "Can you promise me just one thing, though?" 
rlm@0: Sakura thumped her palm against the screen. "Come *back* to me!!" 
rlm@0: "If you must remember me... please... *try* to remember me as I used
rlm@0: to be. I don't want to be remembered like this... Please... remember
rlm@0: me with a smile on my face. Remember me from those innocent times,
rlm@0: when we could walk hand in hand through the park and I could just let
rlm@0: my heart soar, unable to imagine ever being happier or more content.
rlm@0: Remember the costumes, and the laughter, and all those sweet little
rlm@0: things that meant so much... I can remember. I remember giggling over
rlm@0: our secret jokes, and you combing my hair, and how wonderful the
rlm@0: world always seemed when you were there..... I just wish I could
rlm@0: remember that and forget all the rest. I don't want to remember the
rlm@0: sleepless nights, tossing and turning, delighting in the agony of
rlm@0: having you by my side. And I don't want to remember how many times I
rlm@0: had to bite my tongue, holding back for fear of losing you..." 
rlm@0: Sakura clutched desperately at the screen, pressing her phone
rlm@0: painfully to her ear. 
rlm@0: After a long pause, Tomoyo finally appeared to regain her speech.
rlm@0: "Well... I... I'd better stop now. The tape should be almost over by
rlm@0: now, I think, and I'll have to hurry to the airport..." Sakura's hand
rlm@0: dropped limply to her side. "I... I wish things could've been better
rlm@0: for you, Sakura-chan. I know I've probably said and done some pretty
rlm@0: stupid, hurtful things over the years we've been friends, especially
rlm@0: tonight, and I hope you'll be able to find it in your heart to
rlm@0: forgive me... You're such a wonderful person, Sakura-chan. I wish you
rlm@0: luck in everything you ever do... Good-bye, Sakura-chan. You'll
rlm@0: always be the best friend I've ever had, no matter what... I love
rlm@0: you... I love you so much..." Sakura choked on a sob as Tomoyo's sad-
rlm@0: eyed image reached forward and in a moment was shot into a sea of
rlm@0: static. 
rlm@0: "Damn it..." Sakura stared through blurred eyes as shortly the
rlm@0: screen flashed blue and the VCR jumped into action once more,
rlm@0: stopping and rewinding the tape. She could only hear the telephone
rlm@0: still ringing in her ear in the most distant of ways, too numbed by
rlm@0: shock and pain to hear it as any more than a fading echo in a tomb.
rlm@0: Catching and reflecting the blue light of the television screen, a
rlm@0: lone tear glistened on her cheek, frozen prematurely, its path left
rlm@0: unfinished and its future uncertain. 
rlm@0: 
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rlm@0: ----------- 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: (Legal Disclaimer: I do not claim to own any of the characters in
rlm@0: this fanfic; I'm just borrowing them from CLAMP and whoever else
rlm@0: holds the rights.) 
rlm@0: 
rlm@0: (Sequel to Author's Note: If you want to put this fic on your
rlm@0: website, are wondering why the hell someone would write a fic for a
rlm@0: story she knows so little of, or just want someone to talk about
rlm@0: anime lesbians with, please email me at either
rlm@0: womanprince@hotmail.com or poorjuri@hotmail.com. Thank you ^-^)