Kiss Your Tears Away

 by Amazoness Duo

 amazonessduo@hotmail.com

 

 “You wanted to see me, Syaoran?” I ask, letting the door fall shut

 behind me. The afternoon sun hangs lazily in the air above, a

 wonderful backdrop to the Chinese boy. He’s leaning against the chain

 link fence that surrounds the school roof. I smile at him. As usual,

 it’s kind of hard for me to tell what he’s feeling or what he’s

 thinking. But that’s okay. I have a hard enough time knowing how I’m

 feeling half the time. 

 

 I walk over to him, my hands held behind my back. My heart flutters

 nervously in my chest. I try to pay attention to every little

 movement I make. For being as athletic as I am, I’m still clumsier

 than anyone else I know. It always happens when I’m distracted. Which

 I definitely am right now. Syaoran returned from China a few weeks

 ago. I still don’t know where that leaves us. I’ve been too shy to

 ask him what we are now, if he’ll be my boyfriend, or any of it. I

 blush as these thoughts swirl around my head like my Sakura Cards.

 Can he tell I’m blushing? Does he know what I’m thinking? Is this it?

 Will he finally tell me how he feels? In a way, I’ve been waiting for

 years for this moment. Ever since he left. And now that it’s here, I

 feel faint, anxious. I hold my heart, trying to keep the beating in. 

 

 He pushes off of the fence, taking a step forward. He’s looking

 forward at the doorway I came through. He was always shy. I guess he

 still hasn’t gotten over that. He can’t even look at me. But then,

 who am I to talk? I’ve always been really shy myself. Half the time I

 need Tomoyo-chan to push me forward enough to do anything

 embarrassing. Which makes this so nerve wracking with the both of us.

 Neither of us knows what to say, what to do. 

 

 “I’m going back to China,” Syaoran finally says, his hands in his

 pockets. He says it like it’s not a big thing. Like it’s just one of

 those things that happen. Something simple like the weather. Not

 important in the least. 

 

 I can only stare at his back, my hands balled up against myself. I’m

 terrified at his words. Back? He’s going back? But he can’t go back.

 He just got here! I waited the past few years to see him again and

 now he’s leaving? Don’t I get some sort of explanation? Something?

 Please? Tears burn in my eyes. My mouth opens and closes, nothing but

 an injured whimper coming out. I shake my head. My heart races. I

 feel like if I don’t say something now, I’ll never have the chance

 again. Like he’ll disappear before I even have a chance to say

 anything.

 

 He takes another step forward, towards the door. He’s not good at

 these things either. He was never good at his emotions. But now I

 can’t tell what he’s feeling at all. Is he leaving on his own? Is his

 mother forcing him? Will he come back to me? Will I be left waiting

 again?

 

 “Why?” I ask at last, my voice wavering. I can’t even see him

 clearly anymore. He’s just a watery outline. I blink and blink and

 blink, but the tears won’t go away. My mind races back to when he had

 told me that he liked me for the first time. To when he had to go

 back home to China. To the teddy bear I gave him so that he’d

 remember me. Does he still have it? I ask myself, my mind jumping

 about randomly. I’m spiraling. Please, someone catch me. I’ve lost my

 footing and I’m tumbling. The world’s spinning around me and I’m too

 scared to open my eyes. 

 

 “I came back to tell you that I’m engaged. I’ll be marrying Meiling

 in a few years,” he states after a moment. His voice is it’s usual

 harsh self. As if he can handle anger and frustration better than

 anything else. To keep it all away. 

 

 Engaged? My eyes shoot open, though I still can’t see anything but

 colors and shapes bleeding together through my tears. The word hits

 me like a rock thrown through a window. Cracked and splintered, the

 pieces of my heart crumble to the floor around my feet. He came back

 to tell me he was engaged? All this week I’ve been blushing and

 waiting for him to ask me out, to be with him, and he’s already

 engaged? 

 

 I’m an idiot. How could I be so dense? Whatever had been between us

 was gone. I should have seen it. But I can be so dense. I just kept

 thinking that after all of this time, he’d have come back to me. Like

 a fairy tale. But he can’t be my prince. He’s been trying to tell me

 this whole time. All of those awkward pauses when I’d talk to him,

 all of the times when he wouldn’t return my gaze. And I hadn’t

 suspected in the least. Tears spill down my cheeks, dripping down my

 chin. 

 

 I smile shakily, tears still streaming down my face. “Tell

 Meiling... that I’m very happy for her...” Why do I feel like Tomoyo

 right now? I see her smiling brightly in my mind, my image

 superimposed over hers. Whatever the reason, I try to give him my

 blessing, whether or not he’ll accept it. Why not? What else can I

 do? If he loves her, then there’s nothing I can do about it. You

 can’t make someone love you. 

 

 Syaoran nods once, swallowing. He pauses for a moment, as if

 contemplating something. After a second that stretches on into the

 distance, he walks to the door. I don’t even see him leave. My eyes

 are shut too tightly. I hear the door slam and it wedges splinters

 into my heart. There goes my chance. Everything I wanted to say to

 him, everything I should have said to him, I’ve lost my chance. He’s

 gone. I want for all the world to reach out and stop him, but I know

 I can’t. It’s funny. I’m the world’s most powerful mage and yet right

 now I feel so incredibly weak and fragile. A weak breeze could

 shatter me and scatter me about into the wind.

 

 I collapse against the fence, sobbing bitterly. I want to wrench my

 heart out, to hold out the torn up object as far away from me as I

 can. Anything to stop this sick, sinking feeling that pulls me

 further and further down. I just want it to stop. How could this have

 happened? Ever since he left, I had been waiting for the day we would

 be together again, for when he would return to me. But it wasn’t

 supposed to be like this! It was never supposed to be like this. 

 

 My face convulses in the hideous image of crying. I feel ashamed

 each time my face does that, each time my lips curl and my eyes

 squeeze shut. And that makes me cry harder. ‘Crying never solves

 anything,’ I hear him say. He had always said that when I’d wind up

 crying. He tried to make me look for a solution. To do something

 rather than cry over it. But there’s no solution right now. And I’m

 too tired to look, my weary soul wanting to retreat and cover its

 wounds. I can only cry. 

 

 Turning against the fence, clinging to it for support, I see him

 walking away from school. She’s waiting for him, near a limousine.

 His bride to be. The girl he loves. Everything I thought I wanted to

 be. And now never would. I watch through a blurry haze of tears as he

 kisses her. 

 

 My heart rolls about like a boat caught in a tsunami. One of my

 hands rests on my chest as if I’m trying to hold my heart in, so it

 won’t fall out and shatter on the floor. But even if it did fall out,

 even if it shattered into a million tiny pieces, I know she would

 gently pick up every tiny fragment and piece it all back together. No

 matter how long it took. No matter how bloody her fingers would get

 from picking up the countless jagged shards. And she would do it all

 with that same loving smile she always gives me. The same warm smile

 she’s giving me right now, that motherly, unconditionally loving

 smile that soothes my soul the same way that my mother’s fingers

 through my hair used to when I was a child. “I thought he liked me,”

 I whisper tearfully, my voice breaking. I didn’t even see her get

 here. Didn’t hear her footsteps. Yet here she is. My guardian angel.

 

 Tomoyo reaches out, taking my hand gently in her own. Her fingers

 entwine with my own, her palm warm against mine. “Love does

 unexpected things sometimes,” she replies in her soft, musical voice.

 “We don’t choose who we fall in love with. And sometimes the one we

 love can’t love us back.” Her other hand lovingly strokes over mine

 as she holds it. She’s watching me through her stormy blue eyes even

 as I watch Syaoran disappear into the limousine. Of course. Because

 he’s not what matters to her. She only wants to make things better

 for me. To her, I’m the important part of all of this. I still can’t

 understand how she sees me that way. How I could be that important to

 her. She’s the best friend I could ever hope for.

 

 I break down, crying harder. It’s strange. It was bad when I was

 alone, but now that she’s here, I feel like a floodgate’s been opened

 and everything is pouring out. I cling to her, nearly knocking her

 over. I hold her tightly, tight enough to leave bruises on her

 delicate, pale skin. But she doesn’t complain. She never complains.

 She simply holds me, stroking my hair with her lithe fingers. And I

 sob into her shoulder, my tears soaking the fabric of her school

 blouse. My body shudders against hers, my face burying against her.

 “Why?” I choke out, my voice muffled through the cloth. 

 

 She rests her head against mine, her long, dark hair falling against

 me. “I don’t know, Sakura-chan...” she whispers, her voice sounding

 so tiny and fragile. “I wish I did.” She turns, kissing my forehead,

 her stormy blue eyes shut. That thought scares me more than anything

 else that’s happened today. Tomoyo-chan is the most insightful person

 I know. She’s always known so much. Especially about people’s hearts.

 And yet even she couldn’t give me an answer now. She’s met this

 before. With her own mother. With herself and that person she loves

 but can’t tell. Now with me. It doesn’t seem fair. “If I knew, I

 would do everything I could to make sure it never happened to you

 again,” Tomoyo promises me, rubbing my back, her fingers trailing up

 and down my spine as she tries to soothe my shaking body. 

 

 “Tomoyo-chan,” I whimper, hanging from her. I don’t even have the

 strength to stand on my own. I feel so drained. Chains drag me down,

 pulling me further and further. She’s my only safe haven. I dread the

 thought of leaving her embrace, of having to deal with all of this on

 my own again. I hold on tighter, not wanting to let go, ever. “I’m

 sorry, Tomoyo-chan... I shouldn’t be crying like this... Crying never

 fixes anything...” I’ve learned that much, at least, right? So why

 can’t I stop these tears from coming?

 

 Her hands caress my tear stained cheeks, lifting my gaze up to meet

 her own. Her stormy blue eyes look directly into me, past everything

 to my soul deep inside, as if she can see everything I am. I can’t

 look away, her eyes holding me in place. “Don’t ever be sorry for

 crying, Sakura-chan. We all bleed sometimes. Crying is the same. Our

 tears build up inside and sometimes they need to spill out. If they

 didn’t, we’d drown in them. I don’t want my beautiful Sakura-chan

 drowning in a pool of tears. Sometimes you can’t fix things.

 Sometimes there’s nothing to do but cry and pick yourself up and

 carry on. Sakura-chan, I’ll always be there to help you get back up.

 I’ll always be your shoulder to cry on. Whoever breaks your heart,

 I’ll always try my hardest to mend it.” She leans forward, her eyes

 closing. My heart thumps rapidly in my chest. Her soft lips press

 against my cheek. She kisses again and again, trailing kisses over my

 cheeks. I can only stand there, my cheeks tinted a faint crimson as

 her lips move over me. She slowly pulls back, taking my eyes with her

 own again. “I’ll always be there to kiss away your tears,” she

 promises. I would never doubt her. Out of anyone, she’s the one I

 would never doubt even if the world were falling apart around me. 

 

 Nothing is fixed. But everything is better. I can’t help but smile

 at her, even through my tears. How did I ever get lucky enough to

 have a best friend like her? Everyone should have their own Tomoyo-

 chan, someone who cradles your heart like a holy relic, who is always

 there to catch you when you fall. But I would never want to share my

 Tomoyo-chan. I can’t imagine being without her. I pull her closer, my

 arms tightly around her waist. She moves with my urgings, ready to

 placate me in any way she can. I’m stronger than her, so it’s easy to

 pull her close. But I think, deep down, Tomoyo is stronger than all

 of us. She tells me how strong I am. But without her, I'm nothing.

 She’s my strength. She’s my courage. She’s my light in the darkness.

 “Everything will always be all right,” I whisper, chanting her words

 from so long ago, “only because I’m with you...”

 

 Even I can tell that her pale cheeks are darkening at my words. But

 they’re true. I want her to know that. She’s what makes it all

 worthwhile. She’s what makes it all turn out all right. With her, I

 could face anything. Her arms are around my shoulders, her long dark

 hair fluttering about in the wind. She smiles, still blushing. The

 smallest things like that make her happy. But it’s simply a fact. I

 just wanted her to know that. I want to do bigger, better things to

 make her happy. If only I knew how. I’m only a clumsy, somewhat

 dense, overemotional teenage girl. 

 

 We’re kissing. I don’t even know who started it. But I really don’t

 care at this point. I pull her tighter against me, never getting her

 quite close enough. I’ll apologize for her bruises later. I’ll kiss

 them all away. Right now I need her as close to me as I can get her.

 I need her lips against mine. I need her. She clings to me, her hands

 pressed against my back. Her deep kisses are a far cry from the

 feathery kisses we had started with what felt like an eternity ago. I

 blush myself as I feel my beautiful best friend kissing away all of

 my tears, all of my pain, her tongue swirling against mine. Right now

 we don’t need any words. Nothing diluted, nothing distant or

 filtered. Just pure Tomoyo at her very essence. All that she is, all

 that I am, making something much more. 

 

 Tomoyo always came to my rescue. Whenever I was in trouble. She

 didn’t need a sword or magic. She’s always been my hero. She came to

 me with a camcorder and costumes, with love and adoration. She made

 me the star of her life. And it’s time I finally showed this small,

 delicate behind-the-scenes girl that she can play center stage in my

 life.