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| author | Robert McIntyre <rlm@mit.edu> |
|---|---|
| date | Tue, 22 Jun 2010 13:42:35 -0400 |
| parents | fc00894c1d4a |
| children |
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1 Kero-chan's Newlywed Game2 As transcribed by Yukito no Miko4 ------------------------------------------------------6 Don't look for continuity, plot, or other things of7 that nature. Yes, I know the Newlywed Game is8 supposed to have four couples. I didn't feel like9 adding a fourth.11 All things Sakura belong to CLAMP and Kodansha,12 though eventually they'll belong to the demon Mixx as13 well. Don't expect me to give them any credit.14 Bastards.16 ------------------------------------------------------18 Kero-chan: Konyanyachiwa!! This is a very special19 Kero-chan ni omakase no corner!! We're going to play20 Kero-chan's Newlywed Game, a very fun game invented21 by me, Cerberus! Of course, since I invented it, it'd22 have to be fun, right? I'm so cool! Now, let's meet23 our contestants!! Couple number one, come on down!25 Yukito: Are? I thought the term was "Go down..."27 Touya: *o_o*29 *Yukito and Touya sit down*31 Kero-chan: o_o;; Err. . . thank you, couple number32 one. Couple number two, come join us!34 *Sakura and Tomoyo come out and sit down, amidst35 cheers from the yuri fangirls and boys and screams of36 horror from the Sakura/Syaoran fans. Tomoyo pulls out37 a video camera and starts recording*39 All: ^_^;;41 Sakura: Tomoyo-chan... this is already being recorded42 by the TV cameras...44 Tomoyo: I know, but they might focus on someone other45 than Sakura-chan! ^_^47 Sakura: ^.^;;49 Kero-chan: Right! Let's put that aside! Couple number50 three, join us!52 Syaoran: We are not a couple!!!54 Eriol: Come on, koibito. ^_^56 Syaoran: I am not your koibito! Let go of me!58 *Eriol drags Syaoran to the third set of chairs and59 ties Syaoran to one of them, then cheerfully sits in60 the last chair*62 Syaoran: Rai tei shou rai kyuu kyuu nyo ritsu ryo RAI63 GEKI!! *lightning travels from his sword to the64 chair, frying the ropes. Unfortunately, it also fries65 Syaoran. Eriol takes the opportunity to re-tie him.*67 Eriol: If you don't wake up, we can't win the contest68 for the most loving newlyweds! ^_^70 Syaoran: We're not married!!72 Eriol: Of course we are, anata! ^_^74 Syaoran: We're not, we're not!!76 Eriol: Not even for the grand prize? ^_^78 Syaoran: NO!!80 Sakura: Ne, Kero-chan, what is the grand prize?82 Kero-chan: An all-expense paid trip to China!84 Syaoran: *freezes* You mean... I could finally find85 the Spring of Drowned Boy and end this terrible86 curse?!88 All: O_o;;;;90 Syaoran: Never mind... >_> <_<92 Kero-chan: Err. . . right! Let's put that aside!93 First question is for the men!95 *silence*97 Kero-chan: *pause* Hmm. . . I guess that's a bit of a98 problem, isn't it? Okay! People on the left are the99 wives!101 Eriol: I guess that's you, itoshii. ^_^103 Syaoran: We're not married!!105 Yukito: Does this mean you're going to wear a dress106 for me, To-ya? ^_^108 Touya: . . . . . maybe later. . . . . .110 Kero-chan: . . . Okay! First question! "What is your111 wife's biggest turn-on?" Couple number one, you can112 start us out!114 Yukito: Oh, that's easy! It's when I wear my bunny115 suit! ^_^117 Kero-chan: Wife number one?119 *Touya holds up sign that says, "When Yuki wears his120 bunny suit."*122 Kero-chan: Good job! Couple number one has one point!123 Couple number two?125 Sakura: Umm... recording us--127 Kero-chan: That's enough of an answer!! Wife number128 two?130 *Tomoyo holds up a sign that says, "When Sakura-chan131 wears my costumes." Sakura looks crestfallen*133 Kero-chan: Oh, that's too bad! But we still have lots134 of questions to go, so don't lose hope yet! Couple135 number three, what turns your wife on the most?137 Eriol: Feathers. ^_^139 Kero-chan: Wife number three?141 *Syaoran holds up a sign that says, "I'm not his142 wife. (feathers)"*144 Kero-chan: Good job! Next question! "Which of145 Sakura's battle costumes is cutest?"147 Yukito: Her whats?149 *Touya holds up sign: "Her whats?"*151 Kero-chan: I guess that counts. . . Couple number one152 has two points! Couple number two?154 Sakura: All of them.156 *Tomoyo holds up a sign that reads, "All of them are157 cute when Sakura-chan wears them!"*159 All: ^_^;;161 Kero-chan: I guess couple number two has one point!162 But doesn't anyone think my costumes are the cutest?163 Couple number three, what's your answer?165 Eriol: If I say your costumes, will we get an extra166 point? ^_^168 Kero-chan: Yes.170 Sakura: Kero-chan, that's not fair!!172 Kero-chan: Yeah, well that's why it's my show and not173 yours. Couple number three?175 Eriol: Kero-chan's costumes. ^_^177 *Syaoran holds up a sign that says, "The rubber kitty178 suit"*180 Kero-chan: Well, you got it wrong but you get a point181 anyways! Good job!183 Eriol: *smirk* ^_^185 Sakura: *scowl*187 Kero-chan: Going onto question three, couple number188 one has two points, couple number two has one point,189 and couple number three has two points! Question190 three is "I like a girl who has a sense of humor.191 Tell me your favorite joke."193 *silence*195 Kero-chan: Oops! Wrong questions!! Hahahahaha. . .196 *throws cards backstage* The real question number197 three is around here somewhere. . .199 *Spinel hands him a set of cards*201 Kero-chan: Thanks! Okay, question number three: "I'm202 a fool and I consort with goat--" HEY!! These aren't203 the questions!!205 Suppi: *smirk*207 *Kero-chan digs around backstage and finally comes up208 with some questions, hopefully the right ones*210 Kero-chan: Okay! I think these are the right ones!211 "If your wife was an alarm clock, how would she wake212 you up?" Couple number one?214 Yukito: I'm not sure that I want to say it on215 television...217 Kero-chan: You have to or you don't get the point.219 *Yukito walks over to Kero-chan and the panel of220 judges and starts whispering to them. Time passes.221 More time passes. Nakuru, the backstage crew, falls222 asleep*224 Kero-chan: Okay, that's enough. **O_O** Wife number225 one, what did you put?227 *Touya hands him a thick stack of paper*229 Kero-chan: What the. . . this is the Starr report!231 Touya: Stapled underneath is the kama sutra.233 Kero-chan: ***O_O***235 Kero-chan: Ahem. Judges, will we accept those236 answers?238 Terada-sensei: Yeah, I guess so.240 Kero-chan: What about the other judges?242 *no answer. Sonomi is still taking notes and Fujitaka243 has his hands over his ears*245 Fujitaka: You're talking about my SON!!247 Kero-chan: *sweatdrop* I guess we'll count it, then.248 . . Couple number two?250 Sakura: She'd let me sleep and record it.252 Kero-chan: I'm afraid that's not a valid answer.254 Tomoyo: But that's what I put. . . *holds up sign255 that says, "Let Sakura-chan rest and record her256 sleeping face"*258 All: ^_^;;260 Kero-chan: Judges?262 *the judges confer, with Sonomi doing most of the263 talking*265 Terada-sensei: She's--267 Sonomi: WE've.269 Terada-sensei: We've decided to accept that answer.271 Sonomi: Good. Couple number three?273 Kero-chan: Hey, I'm supposed to say that! Couple274 number three?276 Eriol: If he found me sleeping he'd take the277 opportunity to try and kill me. ^_^279 Kero-chan: Maybe he's not as dumb as I thought. Well,280 kid? How would you wake him up?282 *Syaoran holds up a sign that says, "With a mallet"*284 Kero-chan: We'll accept that answer because I like285 it. Round two after these commercial messages!287 *silence*289 Kero-chan: Nakuru! Run the commercials!291 Nakuru: *wakes up* Hmm?293 Kero-chan: The commercials, the commercials!!295 Nakuru: Oh, right!! ^_^297 Kero-chan: -_-;;299 *fade to commercial*301 <eyecatch>303 ********************305 Kaho: Hello. Have you been feeling down? Like you306 don't know where your life is going?308 Yamazaki: *dramatically* How did you know?!310 Kaho: I know everything. Which is why you should call311 Kaho's Psychic Hotline. We'll tell you your destiny312 in convoluted half-truths that you'll later convince313 yourself were useful predictions and not a waste of314 399 yen a minute.316 Yue: Kaho told me that my destiny would soon come to317 an impasse. I realize now that she was talking about318 Yukito getting mad when I got with Touya.320 Ruby Moon: Kaho told me that the inner battle between321 the ying and yang of masculinity and femininity322 causes an imbalance in the psyche. Boy, was she323 right!325 Kaho: So call today, and spend hours trying to puzzle326 out your destiny!328 1-800-ASK-KAHO330 Yamazaki: *even more dramatically* How DOES she DO331 it?!333 ********************335 *a blond girl in jeans and a t-shirt with "YnM"336 emblazoned across the chest comes out. Needless to337 say, it's YnM in her one and probably only338 self-insertation ever.*340 YnM: Hello, everyone. I just wanted to say support me341 in my hostile takeover of the universe. YnM for342 empress. Yay.344 *walks off*346 Tamahome: I support her!348 Duo: That's because she paid you, dude.350 *fade out*352 <eyecatch>354 Kero-chan: Konyanyachiwa!! Have you been brushing355 your teeth? Good! If you haven't your parents might356 not let you keep watching the hit new show,357 Kero-chan's Newlywed Game! We're back with out three358 couples! Now it's time for the wives to answer the359 questions. Our first question is, "What is the360 strangest place you have ever--" *turns red* Who361 worded this?363 *Nakuru waves*365 Kero-chan: -_-;; "What is the strangest place you366 have ever *mumbles*368 Sakura: I didn't even know that was a term for it...370 Tomoyo: I did.372 All: ^_^;;374 Kero-chan: o_o; Husband number one, what do you think375 wife number one put?377 Touya: *thinks* In King Penguin?379 Kero-chan: >_< Now that that image is in our heads,380 what did wife number one put?382 *Yukito holds up a sign that says, "In the meat383 freezer at the supermarket." Everyone who had meat in384 the previous month starts gagging*386 Yukito: I thought we weren't going to tell anyone387 about King Penguin, To-ya...389 Touya: We weren't going to tell anyone about the390 freezer thing either.392 Yukito: Oops... but at least neither of us mentioned393 the--395 2 *Touya claps a hand over his mouth. Yukito bites him* 6397 Touya: Ow! Don't do that!399 Yukito: You started it...401 Touya: I want you to touch me gently...403 Yukito: Later, when we're alone.405 *rose petals blow across the stage*407 All: o_O;;409 Kero-chan: Moving onto couple number two... as410 quickly as possible...412 Tomoyo: Hoeeeee...414 Kero-chan: What?416 Tomoyo: That's what Sakura-chan put.418 *Sakura holds up a sign that simply says, "HOEEEEE!"419 and has a drawing of a furiously blushing Sakura*421 Kero-chan: Judges, will we accept that answer?423 *Sonomi and Terada-sensei confer. Fujitaka's still424 covering his ears*426 Terada-sensei: She says we should.428 Kero-chan: Next time I want unbiased judges...430 Sonomi: I'm not biased.432 Kero-chan: Err... of course not. Let's put that433 aside. Couple number three, dare I ask?435 Syaoran: *slightly green* We NEVER [censored]!!!437 Nakuru: Wow, even I didn't know that was a term for438 it.440 Tomoyo: I did.442 All: o_o;444 *Eriol holds up his "He'll deny our many nights of445 passion. ^_^" sign*447 Sakura: Eriol-kun, you're really good! I bet you make448 your wife very happy!450 Syaoran: I'm not his wife!!452 Kero-chan: -_-;; Let's move on to the next question,453 shall we? This one's multiple choice, so we don't454 have to worry about inappropriate answers. "How would455 you describe your honeymoon: Relaxing, Exciting, or456 Boring?"458 Audience: Ooooooooo...460 Kero-chan: Couple number one, start us off.462 Touya: Relaxing.464 *Yukito's sign: "Relaxing. Very"*466 Kero-chan: *breaths a sigh of relief* Thanks for not467 elaborat--469 Yukito: After all, we didn't leave bed all week...471 Kero-chan: Too much information!473 Touya: We realized the dangers of the hot tub pretty474 quickly...476 Kero-chan: *attempts to cover ears* Ack!478 *Touya and Yukito shrug*480 Kero-chan: Next! Next!482 Tomoyo: Exciting.484 *Sakura holds up a sign with "Exciting" written in485 big letters*487 Kero-chan: Moving on before you try and explain your488 answer...490 Sakura: *blushes* It's not like THAT! We traveled491 around and ate lots of oishii cakes and things.493 Kero-chan: Ack! Too much-- *pause* I guess that's494 okay... *pause again* Without me?! ;_;496 Sakura: We weren't going to tell you about it...498 Kero-chan: Couple number three! Please end this499 question!501 Syaoran: We had no honeymoon because WE'RE NOT502 MARRIED!!!!504 Eriol holds up his sign, which says, "He'll deny the505 very existence of our honeymoon, including the nights506 of endless pleasure we spent, sweaty bodies507 intertwined--" and brakes off where he ran out of508 room to write*510 *Syaoran turns bright green and rushes for the511 bathroom. After having lost the better part of his512 lunch, he returns and sits back down*514 Sakura: Syaoran-kun, why didn't you take that515 opportunity to escape?517 Syaoran: O_O! <--- didn't think of it519 *Eriol, by this time, has re-tied him*521 Syaoran: >:/523 Eriol: There, there, muffin. They know you just don't524 want to leave my side.526 Sakura: Yeah, that'd be a good reason.528 Syaoran: But... but...530 Eriol: Why else would I risk untiing him so he could531 deal with his morning sickness?533 Syaoran: Wha...?535 Tomoyo: *claps hands* Syaoran-kun will make a536 wonderful mother!538 Syaoran: I'M NOT PREGNANT!!540 Eriol: If it's a boy we'll name him Clow.542 Syaoran: AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! *passes543 out*545 Eriol: *pats his hand* There, there, love. *to546 others* His constitution is a bit frail. Please, feel547 free to move onto the next question.549 Kero-chan: Thanks. Final question: *pause* *shudder*550 "What bedroom fantasy have you acted out that should551 have remained a fantasy?" ...couple number one,552 please answer as briefly and undescriptively as553 possible.555 Touya: Well, there was this one time when Yuki wanted556 to try it while skydiving-- wait, I want to change my557 answer. When we tried it underwater. He almost558 drowned and there were all these fish staring at559 us...561 Kero-chan: *begins twitching* No more... no more...563 Yukito: They're your questions. *holds up sign that564 says simply, "Star Wars"*566 Touya: That wasn't THAT bad, was it?568 Yukito: Oh, it was FINE for you. YOU didn't have to569 be Leia.571 Touya: Gomen ne, Yuki. I didn't know. *clasps572 Yukito's hand*574 Yukito: *big dewey eyes* To-ya...576 *they start necking*578 Audience: Wooooooooooooooooooo!!580 Kero-chan: Not on the air! Not on the air! This is581 network television!! Couple number two, at least get582 the cameras off them!584 Tomoyo: Well, one time we used the Clow Cards to--586 Kero-chan: I think that's enough of an answer.587 Sakura?589 *Sakura holds up a sign that says "Clow Cards" on it*591 Kero-chan: Good job, couple number two. That puts you592 up to five points. Couple number one has four points,593 and couple number three has five or six points,594 depending on whether or not they get this one right.595 Couple number three?597 Syaoran: *slowly regaining consciousness* Bedroom598 fantasies my @$$!!600 Eriol: Careful, darling. They say babies can hear601 what you say even before they're born. We don't want602 our bundle of joy to grow up with a potty mouth. ^_^604 Syaoran: WHAT bundle of joy?!606 Kero-chan: Hey, husband number three! Sign!608 *Eriol holds up his sign, which quoth, "He'll be too609 embarrassed about how he looked as a meter maid even610 to mention it. ^_^"*612 Kero-chan: Judges?614 Fujitaka: I get to decide since I listened to this615 one!617 *the other judges shrug*619 Fujitaka: Okay... it counts.621 *silence*623 Fujitaka: I don't get applause?625 All: -_-;;627 Kero-chan: Now, since that's resolved... Going into628 the bonus round, couple three is in the lead,629 followed by couple two and couple one. The bonus630 question is worth five points, so any of our631 contestants could win. The bonus question is: "If632 your husband had to sum up your sex drive in one633 word, it would be [blank]" *pause* Oh, I can't WAIT634 to hear these answers. *wince*636 Touya: Slow.638 Kero-chan: You expect me to believe that after what639 I've heard today?641 Touya: Well, compared to his...643 *Yukito holds up a sign that says, "Well, it is kind644 of slow...", which isn't really one word. Did645 everyone catch that? Good! The judges didn't, and646 they got a point anyways*648 Kero-chan: Couple number one is now in the lead with649 9 points, though that's not conclusive in the least,650 since no one else has answered the bonus question.651 Couple number two, your move.653 Tomoyo: Creative!655 *Sakura holds up her sign: "Kinky"*657 Kero-chan: Judges?659 *brief but amusing judge conference, which includes660 Sonomi jumping on the table and demanding justice*662 Kero-chan: Have you reached a decision?664 Terada-sensei: We'll accept it. *cowers under665 Sonomi's glare*667 Kero-chan: Okay! Couple number two is now in first668 place! Couple number three, final question, final669 answer. How would your husband sum up your sex drive?671 Syaoran: When it comes to him, non-existent.673 *Eriol holds up his sign: "Since he's embarrassed674 about the fact that he likes to [censored] like675 bunnies...*677 Nakuru: Oooh, more new vocabulary! *writes down*679 Yukito: Is that a personal remark?681 *"...he'll pretend that he's as innocent as a682 schoolgirl"*684 *Everyone looks at Terada-sensei*686 Terada-sensei: *o_o* Schoolgirl! Right! Innocent!687 *cough cough* That's what he said, all right! That688 answer counts! Moving on, moving on!!690 Kero-chan: Then, I guess couple number three wins.691 Congratulations, kid, you're going to a fabulous692 second honeymoon in China!694 Syaoran: But I LIVE in China! How is that a vacation?696 Announcer (Yamazaki-kun): You've won an all-expense697 paid trip to the beauuuuuutiful land of China, where698 you'll enjoy--700 Syaoran: Who says I'll enjoy it?!702 Yamazaki-kun: The announcement.704 Syaoran: Why should I believe it?706 Yamazaki-kun: Because it was written by Kaho's707 Psychic Hotline.709 Syaoran: Really?711 Yamazaki-kun: Of course! Would I lie to you?713 Syaoran: Then. . . I guess. . . I should go? *looks714 disgusted*716 Yamazaki-kun: Of course! Kaho's Psychic Hotline is717 never wrong! You know, psychic hotlines were first718 invented in ancient Greece, when too many people719 wanted to use the Oracle.721 Syaoran: Really?723 Chiharu-chan: *twitch twitch* Hey. . .725 Yamazaki-kun: Time to go! *runs away, followed726 closely by Chiharu-chan*728 Chiharu-chan: Get back here, you!...730 Syaoran: I don't know about this...732 Eriol: Come on, dear. The vacation will relive733 stress, and everyone knows future mothers should734 avoid stress.736 Syaoran: *grumbles*738 *Eriol drags him offstage to go catch their plane.739 Touya and Yukito are still sucking face. Nakuru740 throws a blanket over them. Tomoyo is videotaping741 Sakura*743 Tomoyo: Your sad face is kawaii too!745 Sakura: ^.^;;747 Kero-chan: Well, it seems we ended a little earlier748 than expected. But that's okay, because--750 Meiling: I'll be singing for you! Everyone agrees751 that I have the best singing voice!753 Kero-chan: That wasn't quite--755 Meiling: *sings* ~David Duchovny, why won't you love756 me~758 Kero-chan: Just roll next week's previews.760 ~~Next time on Kero-chan's Newlywed Game~~762 Kero-chan: "If you didn't exist and your wife had to763 choose one of these people to marry, who would they764 choose?"766 *Dr. J and Relena walk out*768 Duo: *looks nauseated* I think he'd choose Relena...770 Heero: That's the purpose of the self-destruct771 system.773 ~~end clip~~775 Meiling: ~I hold it in as best I can / I know I'm776 just another fan~778 Kero-chan: See you next week, everyone! Honana!780 Meiling: ~And I can't wait anymore for him to781 discover me / I've got it bad for David Duchovny!...~783 *fade out*