Starry, Starry Night

 by Amazoness Duo

 amazonessduo@hotmail.com

 

 

 

 Slam. The door slamming shut fails to startle the usually jumpy

 Sakura Kinomoto. Perhaps it is because she’s the reason behind it.

 Perhaps it is because the day has been far too long for her. Her

 genki spirits are drained, strained to their limit. Even her

 seemingly boundless energy has limits, apparently. Or perhaps it is

 simply that she doesn’t care. 

 

 Her shoes lie sloppily by the door, her body slipping them off only

 out of years of habit. There they lay, discarded by their mistress as

 she limps off towards her room, a broken prince making her way back

 to her conquered kingdom. 

 

 “I should have known you were home, monster. You make enough noise

 to wake the dead,” her brother says from the couch. 

 

 She hardly hears him. Her world is thousands of miles away, a

 distant speck in the sky. Everything reaches her from light years

 away, travelling an eternity to reach her. For once she doesn’t feel

 like arguing. She hasn’t the will to bother. She merely climbs the

 stairs, one foot at a time, focussing only on the next step. If her

 brother is concerned by her strange behavior, she pays no attention. 

 

 Finally returning to her room, the seemingly vanquished Cardmistress

 stumbles inside. Her bookbag drops to the floor near her door. She

 doesn’t bother changing out of her school uniform. Keeping it nice

 and neat, relaxing into something more comfortable, neither matter to

 her at the moment. She simply collapses on her bed, her body giving

 up its long struggle to reach that point. She lies there, time

 standing still. Yet she knows this won’t last. There are more dragons

 to slay, after all. There’s still far too much going on for her to

 actually rest for long. 

 

 The auburn haired girl waits impatiently for the silence to break,

 for her rest to come to an abrupt halt. But it continues on, a quiet

 purgatory, halfway between peace and the worries that keep stabbing

 at her brain for her attention. So apparently Kero isn’t here. She

 sighs in relief. She doesn’t think she can deal with the Seal Beast

 at the moment. He’s important to her, but she is feeling too

 miserable to listen to him right now. He isn’t exactly the best

 person to go to when she was feeling like this. 

 

 There was one person who could always help when she was like this.

 Who always managed to make sense out of her tangled web of feelings,

 sorting it all out with an expert hand, never breaking a single

 strand, her gentle touch unraveling the spider’s web in her heart

 into a single clear thread. But alas, this sorceress of her heart was

 far away now. 

 

 Life was so much more difficult without someone to turn to when

 things went wrong, without someone to subtly lead her in the right

 direction. It wasn’t until Tomoyo was gone that she realized how much

 she relied on the other girl. She had never felt this weak and

 miserable back when Tomoyo had been in her life. No matter how bad

 things got, the eccentric heiress could take away her worries with a

 few soft words and usually leave her blushing in the process.

 

 Sakura sighs, rolling over onto her back, staring up at her roof. It

 was her own fault. She should try harder to stay in touch. But it was

 so difficult. Life was so complicated. And Tomoyo always seemed to be

 busy with something. And she lived so far away. She had to take a bus

 just to reach her house. It had all started when they had entered

 high school. Sakura had been surprised when Tomoyo went to a

 different high school. She should have known that would happen, but

 it still hit her pretty hard. Tomoyo was one of the smartest people

 in her class, after all, always getting high marks in everything. But

 somehow she had thought Tomoyo would always be there. So they went to

 different schools. They both had so much to do. And then Syaoran came

 back and Tomoyo got even busier for some reason. It had been quite a

 while since Sakura had last seen her dark haired friend. That thought

 sends a cold chill through her. She feels guilty and lonely all at

 the same time. 

 

 Turning her head, Sakura gazes at her phone. Spellbound, she reaches

 for it. But she can’t call her. It would only seem like she only came

 to her when she needed help. She should wait until this had passed.

 So that she could call Tomoyo simply to call her, for nothing else.

 Yes, that’s a good idea.

 

 But it’s too late. The phone is already ringing. Sakura must have

 dialed while she was thinking about all that. She must have been more

 eager to call than even she had realized. She sits anxiously, her

 heart fluttering nervously in her chest. It had been weeks. What

 should she say? What will Tomoyo think? What has she been up to? The

 phone rings and rings. Sakura breaths a sigh of mixed relief and

 disappointment. Tomoyo must not be home. She wants to hear her, but

 at least this solves her problem of calling when she can’t handle

 things without her friend’s delicate touch. 

 

 “Moshi moshi,” a soft voice answers on the other end of the phone. 

 

 Sakura freezes. She doesn’t know how long it is before she answers,

 but it feels like a lifetime. She swallows nervously and speaks

 haltingly into the phone. “Hi.. ano... Tomoyo-chan? Is.. Are you..

 This is Sakura-chan.” She blinks, wondering just how stupid she

 sounds. But her thoughts fail her. She can’t think. In panic, she

 almost wants to hang up and pretend she didn’t call. Maybe Tomoyo

 will think it was a wrong number. Well, if she hadn’t mentioned her

 name. 

 

 A small giggle on the other end. “I’d remember your voice anywhere,

 Sakura-chan. It’s so wonderful to hear from you again.” Dark hair

 gets pushed behind her ear as she repositions the phone. “You sound

 just as beautiful as I remember.” A soft sigh. “How have you been,

 Sakura-chan?”

 

 “I’ve been all right,” Sakura says, though she certainly doesn’t

 feel all right. But it was accurate enough. She may not have been her

 best lately, but she could have been much worse, right? “Just busy, I

 guess. High school’s a lot harder than I expected. Especially without

 you there to help me understand some of the lessons. I probably

 wouldn’t have even passed the entrance exams without you helping me

 study for them.”

 

 The other girl shakes her head, not believing the praise. “Sakura-

 chan would have done just fine on her own. You would have rushed at

 the last moment without me, but you would have passed them all just

 fine. And I’m sure your father’s still proud of your grades even

 without me to help you. You’re very bright, Sakura-chan. You just

 don’t pay attention enough to certain things because your mind is

 always elsewhere. But I would never want to change that. It’s too

 cute to get rid of. So I don’t think anyone would mind if your grades

 suffer just a bit because of it. It’s who you are.”

 

 A small smile plays at Sakura’s lips. She rolls on her side, her

 legs pulling up to her stomach. “Thank you, Tomoyo-chan. I guess I

 haven’t been paying as much attention as I could. But there’s always

 so much to think about. It’s hard to focus on the lessons all the

 time.”

 

 Tomoyo giggles. “See? So my Sakura-chan has nothing to worry about.

 You’ll do just fine, I promise.”

 

 Sakura nods, starting to believe it. “It always feels like that when

 I talk to you. Like it really will be all right. ‘Everything will

 always be all right,’ ne, Tomoyo-chan?”

 

 “Of course it will, Sakura-chan. You just have to keep believing

 that. You will make it all work out. That’s your own special type of

 magic. Never give up. You can overcome anything. I have faith in you.

 I know everything will be all right for you,” Tomoyo replies

 comfortingly. 

 

 Emerald eyes close, the world slipping away. She holds onto Tomoyo’s

 voice, her only anchor to the world. It laps about her like a gentle

 wave, caressing away the aches and pains in her heart. “But what

 about you?” she asks, not even sure why. But the way Tomoyo said

 that... She wants things to work out for her best friend, too. Not

 only herself. Otherwise what was the point?

 

 There’s a pause on the other end. It’s only for half a second, but

 it feels so long for Tomoyo. But when she replies, she sounds like

 her normal eccentric self. “If everything is all right for Sakura-

 chan, then everything will be fine for me. Because then I’ll know

 you’re happy. That’s all I really want.”

 

 Sakura swallows painfully, her eyes closing tighter. “Tomoyo-chan...

 I’m sorry I haven’t seen you in a while.”

 

 The heiress gingerly brushes away the apology. “Please don’t worry,

 Sakura-chan. I know you’ve been busy. Especially with Li-kun back.

 You have a lot going on in your life. You finally have a love life

 now on top of everything else, after all.” 

 

 This time it’s Sakura’s turn to pause. She hadn’t known how to

 explain that. Or what to say about it. Or even where to begin. “You

 know that Li-kun is here?”

 

 “Hai,” Tomoyo replies. “Meiling-chan told me. We’ve been keeping in

 contact. I’ve been writing her some letters. I think she’s needed

 someone to talk to who understands. She isn’t taking Li-kun being in

 love with you very well. But don’t worry, Sakura-chan. She’s a strong

 girl. She reminds me of my mother. I think she’ll be just fine.” What

 Tomoyo doesn’t mention is how her mother had handled the loss of her

 own love. If Meiling takes the same path, then she probably won’t

 ever be on good terms with Sakura. But there is no point in worrying

 the Cardmistress about such things. 

 

 “But.. I need you..” Sakura whispers, barely audibly. She feels a

 tinge of jealousy that Meiling was getting Tomoyo’s letters, getting

 Tomoyo’s support when she wanted it herself. She misses it terribly,

 having the dark haired girl there with her, to catch her when she

 stumbled, to help push her forward when she wasn’t strong enough

 herself. She wasn’t the same without Tomoyo there beside her. Tomoyo

 brought out things inside of her that made life so much more amazing.

 Life on her own felt so tedious. It was too normal, too boring

 without the cute girl videotaping her every movement, whispering

 embarrassing things to her, giving her all the love and support she

 could need. 

 

 “Sakura-chan?” 

 

 Sakura shakes her head, swallowing again and again to force down the

 knot in her throat. She shouldn’t cry now. Tomoyo was her friend. She

 didn’t need to worry about her problems when she was so busy. She

 tries to speak, but she stops herself, her voice about to break.

 She’ll cry if she says something, she knows it.

 

 “Sakura-chan?” Tomoyo says, more anxiously this time. “Are you all

 right? What’s been happening? What’s wrong?” Her voice is still a

 whisper, but now it’s stronger, trying to make sure it gets to

 Sakura. Sakura is supposed to be happy now. Things are supposed to be

 working out for her. But there are tears laced under Sakura’s words.

 Something is bothering her auburn haired friend. And she hadn’t been

 there to help it. She had been trying to step back from Sakura’s

 life, leaving her in Syaoran’s capable hands. At least, she had

 thought they were capable. But if that was the case, why wasn’t

 Sakura going to him right now? She wants to reach out and hold the

 other girl, but all she can do is wait for the silence to end. 

 

 “He’s... I’ve just been...” Sakura swallows again, blinking again

 and again. The tears sting at her eyes as she struggles to find her

 voice. But she can’t use magic to return it the way she had

 recaptured Tomoyo’s voice. Her teary eyes blink open. On her desk she

 sees a picture of herself with her boyfriend, his face scowling even

 in the picture of the two of them. Just as he always did. Those amber

 eyes looking into her own so uncomfortably. But when she closed her

 eyes on those starry, starry nights, she didn’t see those amber eyes.

 Those eyes could not read her soul. They couldn’t see into her heart.

 They didn’t blaze passionately the way the beautiful stormy blue eyes

 in her mind did, the ones she gazed into under the moonlight in her

 dreams. “Sometimes I wish you had been a boy. Then maybe you would

 have fallen in love with me.” Sakura laughs weakly, only half joking.

 “You always understood me. You were always there for me. I always

 felt safe with you. Like it didn't matter that my feelings were

 always so confusing. You helped me sort them out. You took such great

 care of my heart. Like it was a delicate treasure.”'

 

 "I wouldn't need to be a boy to fall in love with you, Sakura-chan,"

 Tomoyo's soft voice whispers through the phone. It is so quiet that

 Sakura has to strain to hear her now. 

 

 The Cardmistress finds herself blushing once again. But this time

 she doesn’t try to ignore it. She won’t just push it off this time.

 “Really?” she asks, almost desperately. She was afraid what she had

 said about Tomoyo being a boy would sound stupid or embarrassing. But

 the dark haired girl had soothed away her worries again with her

 response. Had, in fact, sprung up some hope in Sakura’s heart. “I

 didn’t realize how happy you made me until I stopped seeing you,

 Tomoyo-chan. I miss you. I miss you so much.” Sakura feels hot tears

 slip down her cheeks as she rolls onto her back again, a hand over

 her heart.

 

 Tomoyo blinks weakly. She is having trouble focussing. Everything

 feels so hazy and dreamlike. She’s so tired, but she pushes past that

 as best she can. A warm smile lights up her face. “I’ve missed you,

 too, Sakura-chan. More than you could ever know. You’re all I ever

 think about. You always made me happy, too. All of my happiest times

 were with you.”

 

 “Tomoyo-chan...” Sakura clutches the phone tightly, her heart

 rumbling in her chest. There is so much she wants to say, but she

 doesn’t even know where to begin. Her feelings are all a jumble, just

 as always. But maybe that isn’t such a bad thing. Tomoyo always

 understood before. Even when she herself didn’t know what lay in her

 heart.

 

 “Sakura-chan... I’ll always love you...” Tomoyo whispers sleepily,

 her voice barely carrying over the phone. She looks blearily at her

 mother’s letter opener, wiping away the fresh blood from it with

 weak, numb fingers. The phone ringing had barely managed to catch her

 attention after she had used it to etch out a ticket away from her

 life. Life without Sakura was too empty. It was like getting a taste

 of heaven and then being snatched away, separated from that bliss. It

 is so nice to hear Sakura one last time, she thinks tiredly. What a

 perfect goodbye present. It’s a good thing that Sakura can’t see her

 bloody and in her nightgown in bed. Her poor Cardmistress wouldn’t

 take that well at all. So this way, she could find a softer way of

 saying goodbye. She tries so hard to keep thinking, but it’s all

 getting so much more difficult. Her room seems so far away. The last

 thing she hears is Sakura’s beautiful voice ringing in her ears. The

 voice of an angel. Her angel.

 

 And as always, Tomoyo somehow hands Sakura the missing piece. Things

 slowly begin to fit. A beautiful picture begins to take shape, it’s

 implications almost too much for Sakura to take in all at once. No,

 she hadn’t been in love with Syaoran after all. He wasn’t the one who

 nurtured her heart, who shared her deepest joys and darkest sorrows.

 He wasn’t the one who loved her for all that she was. The puzzle

 slowly completed itself in her mind’s eye. It held a gorgeous picture

 of a girl with deep blue eyes and snow white skin, dark hair flowing

 about her. Tomoyo. It had always been Tomoyo. That’s why her life

 wasn’t working without her. She truly does need the dark haired

 heiress. More than she could possibly imagine. “I love you, too,

 Tomoyo-chan...” she answers, her cheeks red. It feels so freeing to

 say it, to let it out. Yes, she loves her. Boy or not. It didn’t

 matter. Tomoyo completed her life. Without her, everything was chaos.

 She waits anxiously for Tomoyo’s reply, but nothing comes. The phone

 slowly slips away from the dark haired girl’s dead fingers,

 clattering to the floor. “Tomoyo-chan?” Sakura asks. No response.

 “Tomoyo-chan?” Perhaps Tomoyo had fallen asleep. She had sounded so

 tired on the phone, so weak and quiet. Yes, that’s it. Sakura listens

 intently, but she can’t even hear Tomoyo’s gentle breathing on the

 other end. “Tomoyo-chan?” Still nothing. It’s as if the world has

 gone silent on the other end of the phone.

 

 “Tomoyo-chan? I love you...”

 

 Click.