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1 Title: Happy Years
2 Author: Matthias Engel aka MysticMew
3 Feedback: Solarsenshi@gmx.de
4 Status: Alpha
5 Fandom: Card Captor Sakura (manga)
6 Rating: PG-13
7 Category: Romance, a tad bit darkish
8 Pairing: Sakura/Tomoyo
9 Timeline: Sequel to "The Different Path"
10 Summary: Tomoyo reflects on the changes in her lives and the
11 experiences she had in her relationship with the "older" Sakura and
12 how the consequences of Sakura's wish begin to catch up with them.
13 Distribution: MSD (www.catstrio.de), Shoujo Ai.com (www.shoujoai.com),
14 ff.net (www.fanfiction.net), Mediaminer (www.mediaminer.org), Moonlit
15 Nights (http://jrem.net/moonlit/tsFics.html) others may follow. If you
16 like this fic for your story, please tell me, I'm not likely to put
17 stones in your way, but I like to know where it goes.
18 Legal Disclaimer: This story features two females romantically
19 involved. If that is illegal where you are or entirely not your thing,
20 turn around and leave now.
21 Disclaimer: Card Captor Sakura belongs to CLAMP and assorted
22 companies, I claim no right on the characters and original storyline.
23 Story Disclaimer: Happy Years(c)2003 by Matthias Engel
25 ******************************
27 Foreword
29 This is going to be the sequel to The Different Path. I firmed my
30 decision meanwhile that this will tie in with an idea I had for
31 another Sailormoon story. For now there is no visible connection but
32 they will flow together eventually when I get to the main story. But
33 that probably is still in the future.
34 For now, this was prompted a little by one of the reviews I got,
35 wondering how Tomoyo's reaction to all this would be. This is a bit
36 free after the concept "Scenes of the rest of their life" or something
37 like that. The story will be done in diary format with several short
38 and some longer entries... we'll see, I never know this in advance. :)
40 ******************************
42 Happy Years
43 Based on the works of CLAMP
44 Story Concept by Matthias Engel
46 ******************************
48 <From the diary of Daidouji Tomoyo, aptly named "Sakura Musings">
50 April 13, 1994
51 Dear Diary.
53 It has been awhile that I wrote in here and I'm sorry for
54 leaving you at such a crucial point where my dear Sakura seemed to be
55 just inches away from confessing her love to Syaoran. The reason why I
56 didn't get to write in here lately is that something really incredible
57 happened. Something so incredible that it will also effect this diary.
58 For as long as I kept this, I have dedicated these entries
59 solely to my one true love. The walking miracle that is Sakura-chan,
60 trying to capture my thoughts on the beautiful girl that had captured
61 my heart from the first day we met. But now, I can't write about
62 Sakura alone anymore because the most joyous, unexpected thing
63 happened...
64 But let me begin from the beginning, yes? It was on the day
65 Li-kun was going to return home. I had already suspected of course
66 that Sakura as was typical of her would only realize her feelings at
67 the last moment. Not that I want to say that she is... indecisive.
68 Sakura just has a hard time realizing her own feelings but you really
69 cannot fault her for that. It is just as I told her a short while ago.
70 Peoples hearts are hard to predict - even Eriol-kun said so. And
71 usually it is hardest to understand your own heart.
72 But back to what happened. Since Sakura was expected to come to
73 her realization a little late, I went and called her early. That was
74 when the first odd thing happened. I was actually going to tell her
75 about where she could find Li-kun but instead I only reached her
76 brother and Touya told me that she was already out...
77 Going back to practice, I had pretty much shrugged it off and
78 told myself that it didn't matter. If she managed on her own, all the
79 better, even though I would have liked to help. All I ever wanted to
80 be was a part of Sakura's life. Before Li-kun came along I used to
81 entertain the hope that maybe in the future, when her crush on Yukito
82 passed and we were both older, I might actually seize my chance and
83 tell her. But it became apparent that Sakura and Syaoran were meant
84 for each other and developed feelings that both were reluctant to
85 realize and admit to. But that day, when I thought for sure that it
86 would be Syaoran she would ultimately choose as her special person, I
87 had to realize that with all that I deemed to know about Sakura, a
88 person can neither predict someone's else hearts accordingly. I
89 learned that sometimes if you think you know someone else's heart, you
90 might end up surprised.
91 Back to events. It was near the end of our next practice session
92 that I noticed someone watching me. You know that prickling feeling at
93 the base of your neck? It got stronger and stronger and it filled me
94 with almost giddy anticipation although I couldn't fathom why. I had
95 ignored it for awhile, concentrating on the practice. However, it
96 became too much and I finally glanced towards the entrance and there
97 was Sakura.
98 I was so totally baffled I almost missed the next several notes.
99 I would have bet all my insurance - and that is after all plenty -
100 that she would have been with Li-kun at that moment. It was about the
101 time when his bus left for the airport after all... I don't think
102 Sakura ever managed to confuse like this before. I thought I knew my
103 best friend and secret love so well but her appearance had totally
104 thrown my belief for a loop.
105 But that was not the only surprise I should get. Approaching her
106 in the pause, I immediately realized that something was different
107 about her. Outwardly she seemed to be the same person but inside there
108 was something so completely different that it startled me for a
109 moment. I briefly entertained the notion that it might be Mirror or
110 Illusion but was pretty sure that I would notice that. It was still
111 Sakura, just... different... somehow.
112 Then Sakura told me she saw Syaoran off - as expected - and
113 confessed that she does love him. I couldn't help but feel a little
114 disappointed for a brief moment. When I saw her standing there, I
115 hadn't been able to help the thought, the hope that maybe... But that
116 was crazy, illogical, Sakura and Syaoran were meant for each other and
117 Sakura would be happy with him... Or so I immediately told myself
118 again.
119 That was when Sakura really shocked me. While she loves Syaoran,
120 there is a person that she loves equally but who needs her more.
121 Syaoran isn't necessary to give her life meaning and neither is she
122 for Syaoran's life. That is how she put it. Then she told me she
123 couldn't live without me, though, and asked me if I could live without
124 her.
125 Of course the question was silly, needed no answer and I believe
126 Sakura had not expected one. But when her words finally sank in... I
127 can't describe how I feel because I'm not sure if there are words
128 existing in any written or spoken language that properly can describe
129 my feelings in that moment and the ones that followed. I barely
130 managed to find my voice in order to respond, asking what exactly she
131 meant by that. Of course, the question was rhetorical. That spark of
132 hope at seeing Sakura standing there, watching me sing, had exploded
133 from a tiny star into a full-fledged super nova. The meaning of her
134 words had been all too clear, yet the emotions suddenly welling up
135 from deep inside me were overwhelming and hindered my thought process
136 a lot.
137 Sakura told me she wants me - ME - to be her special person and
138 gave me a teddy bear.
139 God, I was sure my heart would stop beating right there, frozen
140 in this moment of perfect bliss.
141 But it didn't, thankfully, because I would surely have regretted
142 if it did. Hearing these three words from Sakura, spoken honestly and
143 with clear conviction behind them was a gift I would cherish forever.
144 Oh, how I had longed for this moment. It hadn't mattered right then
145 that Sakura might be a little different and it still doesn't matter.
146 Nothing really mattered then and right now. Okaasan says I am
147 "deliriously happy" nowadays. But who can forbid me that? Sakura loves
148 me as much as I love her. Her beautiful, kind heart has chosen me to
149 claim that special place only reserved for one person. How can I not
150 be "deliriously happy" then?
151 It had been only later in the day that I found out exactly what
152 had made Sakura change her mind and what is so different about her.
153 The experience was quite shocking itself. Apparently Sakura had been
154 traveling back in time by capturing a hidden Clow Card. She hasn't
155 told me any details about the future she left yet and I won't pry. It
156 is painfully obvious that whatever dire reason she had for this
157 action, whatever had happened in the future, saddened her. It is in
158 her eyes. When she thinks I'm not watching her - what I do most of the
159 time anyway. There is something...haunted there. It pains me to know
160 that my dearest Sakura had to go through such hardships in her time
161 and would give everything to know how to take that pain away. But I
162 will let her decide when she wants to tell me everything. For now what
163 she told me that day at choir practice turns out to be the truth. She
164 is beginning to be happy, more her old self again. I can tell it will
165 be a long path though and by now everyone close to Sakura has noticed
166 some changes but only a few seem concerned. Sakura told me that she
167 could be happy now that she is with me. And she is happy. Genuinely
168 happy. And I am the one that makes her happy!
169 So, what does that mean for this diary? Well, it is not going to
170 be solely dedicated to my beloved anymore. Now that she has proposed
171 to share her life with me, I will make this diary a dedication to OUR
172 relationship. OUR. I still can hardly believe all this and if you ask
173 me now about my exact thoughts, I think I am still not ready to form
174 any remotely coherent ones.
175 It is becoming late, I will write in here some more at a later
176 point.
178 ******************************
180 May 6, 1994
182 Yes, I've said I write earlier but a lot of things happened.
183 Well, not that much but more like what happened has kept us very busy.
184 While I never was opposed to the idea of coming out I am surprised at
185 how fast it is happening. Interestingly neither Sakura's family nor my
186 mother were really surprised at finding out Sakura had chosen me
187 instead of Li-kun. I suspected at much but it still manages to make me
188 happy. The least I wished was to cause Sakura any more trouble. It is
189 apparently hard enough for her to deal with her time travel... aside
190 from complaining about having to go back to school and learn all that
191 boring stuff again! (she's so cute when she pouts!). No, the
192 transition seems not to be an easy one, especially on an emotional
193 level. Sakura is almost clingy ever since confessing to me. Not that I
194 mind, definitely not. But it worries me. It's almost like she expects
195 me to disappear any moment. By now, even without her telling me, I
196 become firmed in my belief that whatever happened in her time must
197 have included my and probably the others' deaths as well. My heart
198 aches at how much pain I sometimes seem in her eyes and since we are
199 sleeping over a lot I have woken more than once finding Sakura shaking
200 with a nightmare. I wish I could take them all away but that's one
201 thing I can't do. All there is left for me is to be there for the one
202 girl I love and help her forget about the trauma that has driven her
203 here and into my waiting arms.
204 Mind you, that sounds like she's a frightened wreck but that
205 isn't the impression I want to give you. Those moments are rare and
206 mostly private. Sakura is most comfortably opening up to me and that
207 display of trust makes me love her even more... if that is even
208 possible. Yet, the change is becoming obvious to anyone close to
209 Sakura. As much as she tries to "act her age", this Sakura IS far more
210 mature and the weight of her heavy past (or future, whatever way you
211 want to look at it) doesn't allow her to completely fall back into her
212 innocent self.
213 Do I love her less because of that? If you know me, you
214 shouldn't even be asking that question. Even if she's older mentally
215 and far from the innocent cheerleader that managed to capture my heart
216 within a second of meeting her, she is still Sakura. There is
217 something unique about her. Actually, there are many things unique
218 about her. Like her big heart that seems to be big enough to include
219 anyone who wants to have a part of it... and even those who don't. Or
220 her fierce determination when she gets an idea in her head. Right now
221 I am experiencing a whole new dimension of that determination all
222 focused on me. It often leaves me overwhelmed thinking alone that
223 Sakura's genki spirit will now always be focused on me and my needs.
224 She's constantly getting me things, asking me what I want to do when
225 all I really need is her. But Sakura is persistent about making me as
226 happy as possible. And I am as happy as possible. Really, I am.
227 It appears I have come a little off topic. I was talking about
228 her families reaction. Quite frankly if there had been any surprise,
229 it would have been on my part if they actually had been surprised.
230 Touya-san is always so observant and looks out for his sister. He
231 never liked Syaoran much for some reason. I always thought it might be
232 that on some level he wanted to keep Sakura close to him. Sometimes I
233 wish I had such a protective brother. However, he seemed rather
234 pleased after admitting to our relationship.
235 Sakura's father, Fujitaka, didn't seem overly surprised either.
236 He just smiled and said he is happy for us and that we will surely
237 take good care of each other. I suppose since he experienced the
238 affection between his wife and my mother, it must have been rather
239 hard even for me to hide my feelings - not that I tried very hard.
240 Both he and Sakura's brother seemed just a little surprised at the
241 suddenness though. Especially since it had been apparent lately that
242 Sakura would choose Li-kun... Neither of them asked about this though
243 or about Sakura's weird mood (she is a lot quieter these days).
244 Anyway, that leaves my mother. Well, Sakura is almost scared of
245 her now, I think. About the way she's going on about how happy she is
246 that we are in love and that we make such an adorable couple. Of
247 course, her older mind must have figured out what happened between her
248 and Nadeshiko by now but I must admit even I find my mother a little
249 intimidating at times when she speaks about her late love (especially
250 in association with Sakura's father)... and Okaasan is practically as
251 fond of Sakura as she is/was of her own mother.
252 Our families aren't the only ones that know though. Sakura's
253 public confession at choir was clear enough. Even if not everyone
254 heard what was said, within the days talk around school had managed to
255 make it pretty much clear to anyone. Rika, Chiharu and Naoko seemed a
256 little surprised but otherwise were more or less alright with it. I
257 think they are more baffled that Sakura's scores have become as high
258 as mine and Rika's...
259 Apart from that everything is fine. We cannot complain, despite
260 all those little things. I am sure, given time, Sakura will get over
261 her experiences and settle into her new life. It still warms my heart
262 to think that she felt obligated enough to choose me for that purpose
263 and not Syaoran. I don't doubt her one minute when she says she really
264 loves me. It's obvious in every action lately, there is no way someone
265 can play that. Besides, Sakura has always been a very honest person, I
266 am sure she wouldn't lie to me - or anyone - about such an important
267 matter. No, Sakura and I are happy and I intend to keep it that way,
268 forever if Sakura wants me to.
270 ******************************
272 May 20, 1994
274 We had our first real date today and it was a glorious event! We
275 hadn't had found time to actually do something like this until now.
276 Okay, if you read this you might say that we are just eleven... Normal
277 kids don't have dates at this age. True, I suppose. The thing is I am
278 quite aware of some of the other kids at school saying how mature I
279 often act and I won't argue with them there if they'd ever directly
280 ask me. That has nothing to do with arrogance. It is more a
281 good-natured confidence in my abilities. I have always had an
282 excellent learning ability. Okaasan says that sometimes she thinks I
283 have some sort of eidetic memory. I wouldn't go so far since then I
284 doubt I would have to study at all for some subjects. No, I have
285 always liked learning new things and ever since meeting Sakura I
286 wanted to learn even more to help this magnificent creature through
287 life. I realized quickly back then that for all her enigmatic
288 abilities she was often a tad bit... naïve (I really don't like that
289 word) and would need guidance in some areas and in others would need
290 to be sheltered. Like a beautiful but fragile flower that will die
291 quickly if not constantly kept in the right environment.
292 To shorten all that. I guess I have always been a little
293 precocious.
294 As for Sakura. Well, she isn't the innocent girl anymore anyone
295 knew. The other children have more or less gotten used to it but they
296 seem a little... "weird out" to quote Sakura herself. That was to be
297 expected too, though. No, given that in her mind Sakura was already
298 seven years older than me, I believe you can grant her the right to go
299 out on dates, right? I think she's having a harder time with some
300 things about being little again than she lets on. I mean, I can hardly
301 begin to comprehend what it has to feel like, suddenly being younger
302 again, with a full recollection of being almost an adult. Must be
303 really weird. I am helping her as much as I can and am amazed again
304 and again every day at Sakura's ability to let her self be loved but
305 also at giving back this love. I have never felt so... important
306 before in my life. Why it is true that I am probably one of the
307 smartest girls in my age class - Sakura not withstanding (but she has
308 seven years in advance of me, technically) -, I can hardly say that I
309 had much friends or other such social contact outside of occasional
310 choir practice before coming to Tomoeda and meeting Sakura.
311 Meeting Sakura has been a blessing and that is why I will be
312 eternally grateful and why I would never dream of rejecting her just
313 because she's... different now. My love is hers forever and always.
314 After all Rika-san is seeing someone older too (I have a suspicion
315 Sakura knows from the looks she gives her sometimes but she won't
316 tell), so why should it be different for me? Sakura is still Sakura.
317 Seven years of life experience and maturity have not really destroyed
318 what I love about her. Certainly not. There is a lot of sadness and
319 pain but it is dulling, I can tell, and that is bound to have some
320 effects on her personality. Like she's quieter, calmer, more serious.
321 However, I have witnessed enough moments already that show that Sakura
322 is still able to let go and simply enjoy the moment.
323 No, I won't... I can't love her any less. This is all a part of
324 Sakura now. Besides, the new level of maturity doesn't only have
325 negative effects. At times I actually find myself liking the older
326 Sakura a little more since we are now able to communicate on a higher
327 level. Not that she's suddenly become a genius but she certainly does
328 know a lot more about life in general as the Sakura before the fateful
329 day at choir practice. I will forever cherish her innocent self, yet I
330 know it is not completely lost. In time I am sure she will be a lot
331 like the old Sakura again. I'll take her any way she wants to be, that
332 is for sure.
333 But I've been getting away from the point. I actually wanted to
334 talk about the date! You see how much she is affecting me already,
335 normally I would not digress from the point that much. Not that I am
336 complaining, mind you.
337 Anyway, it was very beautiful. We had found ourselves a nice,
338 sheltered spot at our all time favorite King Penguin park. It had been
339 a warm, sunny day, perfect for a picnic for two (Sakura had to
340 literally threaten Kero not sneak in and disturb us). I think I must
341 have giggled like a little child with joy when Sakura proceeded to use
342 Flower and create a bed of Sakura blossoms for us. It was so
343 beautiful, so absolutely perfect!
344 We sat there for hours, talking or simply enjoying each others
345 company. Sakura seemed to have made it her special duty to make this
346 the perfect day for me. I am a little disappointed for not getting
347 much to do in return but seeing how happy Sakura was just relaxing,
348 being with me, it makes my heart flutter even now. For the first time
349 since her time travel I think I finally saw her completely at peace.
350 This is a very precious memory to me.
351 And then, as evening drew closer, Sakura somehow managed to find
352 the perfect ending. I still can't believe she did that! It was all so
353 amazing. I hadn't suspected anything when Sakura told me I had to hold
354 tight onto her so that she could show me a special gift. Needing no
355 reason to not comply with such a thrilling request, I was caught a
356 little off guard than Sakura called for Fly. I had never thought she
357 could carry me! (at least not that long) It was a little bit of a
358 strain for her, I could tell, but she managed. And if the sheer
359 excitement of being carried through the late evening sky hadn't been
360 enough, just guess where she set us down!
361 At the top of Tokyo Tower!
362 We sat there for almost an hour, watching the sunset. It was a
363 moment straight out of a picture... or maybe more like a famous
364 painting. Oh yes, it was a little cold up there but I hardly minded.
365 Not to mention that Sakura seemed to have the presence of mind to keep
366 up a little fire magic all the time (she really has gotten A LOT
367 better).
368 Once again I am not sure I can describe what exactly went
369 through me when, close to the end, Sakura whispered to me an
370 "Aishiteru" in a voice thick with emotion and followed that up with a
371 short but sensual kiss. There is too much that is still waging inside
372 of me like a hurricane and it is all too jumbled to put into words,
373 nor would words do any of it justice. However, I can tell you for sure
374 that if Sakura hadn't held me tightly the whole time, I am sure I
375 would have fallen off the support beam we had settled on.
376 I am still so... thrilled! I have been trying to get to sleep
377 for almost an hour now to no avail, so I decided to sit down and write
378 all this down now rather than tomorrow. However, I am still much too
379 excited. I wonder if I get any sleep tonight at all! Sakura is really
380 an unique experience and it gets even more special than you are the
381 single-most focus of her attention!
382 Dear Diary, I really AM the happiest girl in the world!
384 ******************************
386 April 5, 1997
388 It's been a long time since I wrote in here. Almost three years.
389 Oops.
390 I guess life has simply been too good for me to write down
391 anything. I have my tapes after all and all those wonderful memories
392 of three wonderful years with Sakura so far which are far more worth
393 than any recorded pictures could ever be. I can hardly believe it's
394 been that long. We are both in our second year of Junior High now. I
395 could tell you so many things now but I think I'd be sitting here all
396 night. Well, it's Friday but still...
397 Oh, who am I kidding? There is a reason after all I actually
398 remembered having that diary, I thought writing in here again would
399 actually help me calm my mind and get things into the right
400 perspective. You see, Sakura and I have reached a phase of our
401 relationship that probably has to come for any couple one time or
402 another. We had our first big fight just five days ago. God, I feel so
403 horrible. It was so dumb and unnecessary and... I just... don't know
404 what's gotten into me.
405 Maybe I should start from the beginning. I'm not sure where the
406 tension really began to build up but I believe it might have been
407 since we entered Junior High. There were just slight nuisances,
408 beginnings of something that seemed to bother Sakura greatly. Tomoeda
409 Junior High is a little different than the Elementary School... or it
410 is VERY different may be a better way to describe it. The teachers are
411 very strict as is the headmaster, the school prides itself with its
412 good image and tradition. That posed to be a problem for us. Back in
413 Elementary School everyone more or less took us for granted. We were
414 THE couple, really. Everyone found it cute and romantic that we were
415 together... well, mostly everyone. Now, now we have to be extremely
416 careful around whom we can trust to show feelings for the other that
417 are more than friendship. Within the first weeks at Tomoeda Junior
418 High we learned the hard way that Japanese society might tolerate a
419 cute crush between two young girls but if they turn out to be two
420 maturing young teenagers who openly show their love for each other,
421 then the alarm bells are ringing in some people's heads. It is a good
422 thing our families stand behind us and support our relationship
423 despite some of the harsh treatment we had to endure at the beginning.
424 I swear Okaasan was ready to sue the school, Touya-oniisan right
425 behind her.
426 Things settled down eventually and the initial uproar has blown
427 over. Most people know about us but choose to ignore it. There are
428 some rare people who actually try to support us - if not officially
429 than at least in small actions (for example: giving leeway in the way
430 of discipline or maybe giving a higher grade when one of us was
431 in-between). So, not all people there are traditional man in business
432 suits who'd rather improve their self-image than care for their
433 students, but a lot of them are. And not only once had we played with
434 the tempting thought of transfer. There were enough - more modern and
435 open-minded - schools in the area and both of us were smart enough;
436 money wasn't an issue either.
437 I think it's a bit of defiance probably. Not too mention all of
438 our friends are there, even Rika who really could have gotten into a
439 better school. But I can understand her well enough after finally
440 figuring out that she is seeing Terada-sensei (who had - not so
441 surprisingly - also transferred to Junior High, leaving me wondering
442 if Rika followed him or he followed her!). That was a bit of a shock
443 at first but at the moment I guess we are sitting in the same boat,
444 sort of, and neither of us is keen on budging. Society can be cruel
445 sometimes, especially the traditional-bound Japanese one. While
446 Western influences had lessened that, there still were a lot of old
447 families with a lot of influence.
448 But enough about that. It has little do with the current dilemma
449 since most of the drama had been in the beginning. I just mentioned it
450 because some of it might have affected Sakura more than I initially
451 thought. Why I still can't fathom but... Well, I hoped it would make
452 more sense writing it down, however, it seems I am back to where I
453 started from.
454 The confrontation had been coming a long way, I guess, and yet I
455 felt so terrible about it. I had noticed that Sakura is spending more
456 and more time by herself, only with Kerberos (and I think Yue too but
457 I can't be sure). I tried to talk to her about it but she's always
458 saying the same thing. "I'm fine, Tomo-chan, don't worry about me."
459 Somehow this feels a little like déjà vu. I used to say things like
460 that often when we were just innocent children. It irked me a little
461 but nevertheless I respected Sakura's privacy. She is after all a lot
462 older than me (in her mind at least) and sometimes she just gets
463 frustrated with being young again. You would think it'd be a blessing
464 for anyone, yet living it is probably a lot different, I guess. She
465 won't tell me much about it... or everything concerning the time
466 travel that brought her ultimately into my arms. Which brings us back
467 to the root of the problem.
468 At first I could ignore all of this, believing it must be too
469 painful to remember or to talk about and Sakura doesn't want to worry
470 me. Then, about half a year ago, a little after my fourteenth
471 birthday, she started to spend all those hours alone in her room at
472 her house (where she barely ever is anymore, at least not alone). I am
473 pretty sure it has something to do with the cards and in this regard
474 probably with Time. I remember that Kero lectured Sakura again and
475 again about consequences for capturing and using Time but my
476 girlfriend never seemed to be overly concerned. And, as I said
477 already, she won't tell me any details whenever I ask.
478 Everything came to a climax at the beginning of the week. It was
479 April 1, start of the new grade and Sakura's birthday. I had spent
480 practically the whole weekend preparing a special treatment just for
481 my special girlfriend. I had hoped that would help relax her a little
482 and maybe she'd open up to me. Not that I would have pressed.
483 I had everything set, Okaasan was on a business trip and I had
484 sent most of the serving stuff home. I told Sakura to come over after
485 her club practice (she's still doing cheerleading but most of it
486 half-heartedly, she actually has joined the Choir club so that we
487 could spent even more time together). And so I sat there, alone in the
488 big house and waited for Sakura.
489 Sakura didn't come.
490 At first I became worried that something might have happened so
491 I called her on our private phones, only to discover that Sakura had
492 turned off hers, something I discovered she was almost always doing
493 when working with the cards. I considered going over and looking for
494 myself but something in me was rebelling and refused to just chase
495 after my errand girlfriend. A feeling rather new and unusual for me. I
496 usually tended to defend Sakura's actions even if I should by all
497 standards be angry with some. For me Sakura's happiness had always
498 been valued higher than anyone else's - including my own. Ironically
499 enough, thinking about it now, the anger might be a result of Sakura's
500 own doing. The brunette was so adamant about our relationship that she
501 had practically made me speak my mind more often, whenever something
502 is bothering me or I just need to talk to her, she made it very clear,
503 that she will always be there for me, insisting for me to confide in
504 her always.
505 I was still worried but I knew that if something happened to
506 Sakura I would know it. I had known in my heart if she was in danger.
507 Besides, she'd never turn off that phone other than for her magical
508 studies that she was so secretive about. So I waited, and Sakura
509 didn't come.
510 Next morning I confronted her before school. Turns out she
511 "forgot"! She forgot about her own private birthday party with her
512 girlfriend?! I might have bought that from the innocent ten-year old
513 before the whole time travel incident but not from her, not now. And
514 then she had the audacity to brush me off with a feeble apology that
515 she "is not feeling well".
516 To quote Sakura: Hoe?
517 Sakura doesn't just simply feel "not well". My girlfriend is the
518 healthiest girl I know, really. She's so full of energy that she's
519 almost bursting most of the time. While it has been much more reserved
520 since her change it is still there. It's something so typical Sakura
521 that you can't miss it after having seen it once.
522 And what shocked me more and is still puzzling me is that look
523 she gave me. Sakura almost seemed scared, not off me, but maybe
524 something having to do with me. And that scared me in return. Having
525 Sakura look so... lost... and as if the devil was chasing her (I
526 really can't describe it any better) was disconcerting to say the
527 least.
528 All throughout the day and the next morning almost no word had
529 been spoken between us. I think that was the longest ever since we've
530 been together and not separated by vacation or other things. And I
531 swear the whole school seemed to have picked up on it. Even some of
532 the teachers who usually loved to focus their attention on us made a
533 point not to.
534 Tuesday afternoon I finally had enough. I was confused about all
535 of this but I was also feeling uncharacteristically angry. I wanted to
536 know what was going on. I didn't see what I could have done wrong and
537 Sakura would neither speak up on her own or come over as she usually
538 did. And that devastating silence was straining my nerves. So then,
539 finally, I went over to the Kinomoto house and practically marched
540 into her room (the look on Touya's face would have been priceless if I
541 hadn't been in such a foul mood).
542 I had secretly hoped to find Sakura sitting on her desk, working
543 with her cards or something like that. That way I would have at least
544 had somewhere to start but that didn't stop or slow me down any. I
545 think, analyzing it now, most of my feelings weren't so much anger as
546 they were frustration, frustration fueled by worry and the uncertainty
547 of what was going on with my girlfriend. She is the most important
548 thing in my life and I think I deserve to know what is going on in her
549 life. She told me pretty much the same after all. Doesn't she trust me
550 with this? I was... still am a little hurt about that. Maybe it's
551 unfair to feel like that but I really can't help it at the moment.
552 When I told her all that, told her that I wanted to know what
553 was going on, why she was shutting me out from her magical studies and
554 why she never told me about the future. I wanted to know, even if it
555 might not be pleasant. I am sure she was trying to protect me in some
556 way and I am grateful for that, but I am also still her girlfriend and
557 couldn't just stand by letting Sakura worry herself all on her own.
558 I am still mulling over her response. Sakura actually apologized
559 for being so absent lately and that she was doing very important
560 things that had to be taken care off. And that there were some things
561 she couldn't tell me yet... I swear I could hear the "I tell you if
562 you are older" behind the words (again déjà vu) and that really leaves
563 me puzzled. Sakura rarely makes comments likes that or treats anyone
564 as if she is really those seven years older. And it's not just an act
565 but rather genuine from what I can tell.
566 Before I could come up with any sort of response she had gently
567 but persistently made me leave, saying she had some things to do,
568 alone, and that right now she couldn't be distracted. And THAT really
569 hurt. It felt like Sakura was purposefully trying to put distance
570 between us. As if she was afraid that something might happen if we
571 were too close right now.
572 I have the very distinct feeling that I am missing something
573 obvious here but I just can't put my finger on it.
574 This had been about three days ago and apart from sporadic talk
575 in school, there had been a deep wedge between us and I simply felt
576 terrible about it. Logically seen there was no reason for me to feel
577 at fault but this state was becoming unbearable. Being so close to my
578 one and true love and yet so far away... I feel like I am going to
579 explode any moment now!
580 No, I didn't really feel at fault. However, I felt extremely
581 worried and a little ashamed at my reaction. After all everyone had
582 their secrets, so why should Sakura be an exception. How could I know
583 that with my intense reaction I might have even made it worse than it
584 actually was? Also she had sacrificed so much by traveling back in
585 time, she gave up Syaoran to be with me. I should by all means be
586 thankful.
587 Yet, the fact remained that I was worried. For Sakura and for
588 us. I feel very lucky to have such a fierce protector, nevertheless
589 this had reached a point where I felt utterly excluded from things.
590 Doesn't she understand that seeing her worried and in pain, pains me
591 equally? How can she expect by shutting me out not to make me worry? I
592 have to know what is going on and I will...
593 Yes, my decision is made. Tomorrow I will go over and find out
594 what all this is about. I might not like it but that should be for me
595 to decide. I wanted my girlfriend back, all the pros and cons about
596 her, nothing less. I will apologize for being so angry but I will also
597 make sure that she knows that I am worried about her and that all I
598 want to do is help her. We have always been together through so many
599 things. The school problems at the beginning of last year hadn't
600 managed to drive a wedge between us, so I won't let this thing
601 (whatever it is) either. Sakura has to realize that and I will make
602 her realize it!
603 Reading back over that last paragraph, I think I sound rather
604 scary... Hah, I feel a lot better now. Tomorrow I will make sure to
605 fix whatever is burdening our relationship or at least to share that
606 burden with Sakura. Thanks, Diary, sometimes it's nice to have
607 somewhere to write all this down and analyze your thoughts. That
608 really helped me today.
610 ******************************
612 April 7, 1997
614 Some time ago, someone - I am not sure who - said to me that too
615 much wisdom, too much knowledge poisons the mind. It sounded like the
616 words of a wise man then and even more so now. I wonder if I would
617 have been better off listening to them...
618 Okay, that sounds very gloomy. There is enough motivation for
619 that though. Thinking my dearest Sakura had to go through all...
620 this... terrible... things. I had wanted to know. Now I knew and I
621 feel a certain numbness and a deep sadness coming from that knowledge.
622 But I am not making much sense to you, do I? So I better start
623 from the beginning.
624 My decision made I had wanted to go over early to Sakura and
625 make her tell me about all that bothered her lately. That is where I
626 got my first surprise, finding the demure and rather meek-looking
627 brunette at my doorstep, appearing for all it was worth like a
628 chastened child. I immediately felt sick in my heart, knowing that I
629 was probably one of the main reasons for her state. After writing my
630 thoughts down, I had lain awake for some time, regret beginning to
631 plague me. Regret for some of the harsh words traded and the
632 accusation I had so blindly uttered. I knew that something was
633 troubling Sakura and that she just wanted to shield me from it.
634 Certainly I hadn't done her a favor with my explosion of temper, as
635 rare as it was.
636 Therefore I was quick to assure her that I wasn't at all angry
637 with her anymore when she practically begged for forgiveness. I felt
638 so terrible that moment, seeing her so lost and obviously torn inside.
639 How could I have ever even thought that she doesn't trust me? The
640 appearance she gave yesterday morning spoke more than the revelation
641 of any secret how devoted she is to me, how much she depends on my
642 presence and love.
643 After we had calmed down a little, Sakura asked me if I still
644 wanted to know. She revealed that it might not make a difference
645 anymore soon and she probably couldn't shield me from what was to
646 come. As gentle as possible I made her see that I wanted to know
647 EVERYTHING that was going on in her life. We were a couple, and
648 couples share such things, they share everything. We were so close
649 already and despite feeling like dirt at the moment, I hated to not
650 being able to care for my Sakura properly, not knowing what it was
651 that bothered her.
652 Sakura just smiled at me a little sadly but with more fondness
653 and love I had seen her do in a long while. And then she told me.
654 Kami, yes, she told me... everything! I sat there just listening, numb
655 with shock over some of the things that were revealed to me that very
656 moment.
657 I am not sure I should write all this down, I am not sure I even
658 can. However, I feel that if someone ever reads this, they deserve to
659 know about what that innocent, gentle creature had to go through, what
660 kind of future she left behind by risking so much to come here and set
661 things right. Set things right mostly for me. I don't think I really
662 deserve that, I feel insignificant compared to Sakura's big heart. She
663 had made clear to me that what she did wasn't done primarily in order
664 to save the world from the terrible future she had witnessed but in
665 the first place it was because of me. Her wish while confronting Time
666 wasn't about setting things right for the world, that had only been in
667 the back of her mind. Her sole motivation was for me and the love she
668 felt she owed me. It's all so amazing and hard to believe, how can I
669 even hope to compare to that with my meager devotion?
670 Still, I wanted to tell you of what happened in that future
671 Sakura left and might as well do so. Everything started out as
672 normally as you may expect. Sakura and Syaoran were happy. All three
673 of us had stuck together all the way up to and through High School. It
674 was after graduation that IT happened. No one on Earth at that time
675 truly knew what exactly caused it, where the malevolent creature came
676 from. However, when She began to emerge and reign terror on the cities
677 of the planet it was like the very definition of hell, many brave
678 warriors and magicians fell to Her infinite seeming power. In the
679 matter of a few month the world became a place darker than night,
680 filled with death and despair.
681 In Greek mythology there is a tale about a box that the first
682 woman on Earth opened because she was curious. This box harbored all
683 of the humanity's darker emotion. Fear, jealousy, hate, greed, bigotry
684 (you can continue that list endlessly). The woman was named Pandora
685 and the box had become known as Pandora's Box. I am not sure whether
686 it is a coincidence, a connection or just the perverted humor of fate
687 but the creature that had wrecked havoc in Sakura's future had been
688 aptly named Pandora as well.
689 The little Sakura described about her still sent shivers down my
690 spine, thinking about the emotions alone I saw in her normally vivid
691 and cheerful eyes and heard in her soft, whispered tones. Fear. There
692 was fear. Not anger or loathing or rage at the unbelievable things
693 that evil creature had done to her and Earth. Those emotions were
694 there too, but they were insignificant compared to the fear and the
695 terror emitting from Sakura speaking of her experience. Eriol said
696 that Sakura was the strongest mage on Earth now and to just think
697 about something or someone evoking such strong reactions from my
698 beloved is... unsettling doesn't even begin to describe it.
699 Pandora had turned Earth into a world of terror and fear and
700 there was no one able to stop her path of destruction. Sakura
701 described her as something very old, totally incapable of having
702 positive emotion. Her whole being was a reflection, the epitome of any
703 dark emotion you could come up with. Her whole purpose was to turn
704 everything into oblivion in the most painful, torturous way possible.
705 Her powers were so massive that compared to her Sakura's own seemed
706 like comparing an ant with an elephant.
707 And the worst part is, Sakura steadfastly believes that the same
708 thing might happen again very soon if she doesn't do something about
709 it in advance.
710 That is what she has been doing the last months, using the cards
711 to predict the future and possible chances to prevent the fate that
712 had befallen her own time from happening here. I cried for Sakura's
713 grief at her description at how Pandora had come for her as well and
714 how she had to watch first Syaoran's death and then my own. She
715 visibly relieved that moment and it was a torturing experience. I
716 realized then that it must have been that moment that Sakura finally
717 realized my feelings and that still makes me choke back an angry sob.
718 That is not how I would have wanted Sakura to find out. I know she was
719 caring so much for all those close to her and that she could never
720 live with my death. That is why I had sworn to myself that even if
721 Sakura ended up with Syaoran and we drifted apart, I wouldn't do
722 anything rash and stupid. I know I would just make Sakura sad and hate
723 herself and that is a thought I cannot stand.
724 I had to hold and reassure her for almost half an hour before
725 she managed to calm down. I smoothed the embarrassment Sakura felt at
726 having broken down like that immediately, making sure that she knows I
727 would and will never do anything like this on purpose. Not that I have
728 a reason now but it was very important at that moment to soothe those
729 fears.
730 I wasn't quite sure what to do or say to soothe her fears about
731 Pandora though. Sakura hadn't even done more when describing
732 superficially what happened and I can tell where is a lot still left
733 untold (which right now really isn't much of a bad thing). Just from
734 watching how terrified the usually brave and determined girl was of
735 that evil creature put me at a loss for words. What could little,
736 unimportant me do after all? All I managed was that weak reminder of
737 her magic phrase again. Everything would surely be alright. Yeah sure,
738 I am quite sure I had said the same thing in her future and I know now
739 that it hadn't helped a tiny bit.
740 Thinking along these lines I was rather surprised to find Sakura
741 looking at me with a serious expression, a flicker of that
742 breathtaking determination in her eyes. Then she said the absolutely
743 sweetest thing. That this phrase held little meaning without me there.
744 I breathed life into the phrase, gave it a purpose, a direction. That
745 as long as I was there that everything WILL always be alright. And
746 that because of me and us being together, my love fueling her, pushing
747 me onward, she might be able to change the future and make it better
748 for us. That is why she had pushed herself so hardly lately, to
749 prevent all this from happening. For me.
750 ME.
751 Wow.
752 My expression must have been priceless that moment. But Sakura
753 didn't express her obviously humor, just a fond, loving smile,
754 followed by a kiss so sensual and utterly devouring I felt like I was
755 being sucked right into her. My body is still shaking from the
756 feelings coursing through me. I could feel all the pent up
757 frustrations of the last months but also all the love she felt for me.
758 I realized then that until that moment that as much as I thought I
759 knew how lucky I was, how much Sakura loved me and was willing to give
760 for me, I never had completely understood.
761 I am not sure if we can weather that storm. I really am not as
762 much as I wish to fuel myself but... I will have faith in Sakura and
763 if she wishes me to be by her side, supporting her as much as I can,
764 then I will. I will believe in my angel, my savior. If anyone can do
765 it, she can.
767 THE END (for now)
769 Author's Notes
771 Okay, this might seem a little cut off and doesn't explain everything,
772 probably only serves to open up more questions. But that was wholly
773 intended that way. I think I revealed already more than I wanted at
774 that point anyway.
775 This is going to be part of a bigger project, a background story so to
776 say but you can read it as a stand alone as well (I hope). There will
777 be one more installment (probably featuring two parts) that will tie
778 things up for the background story and Sakura and Tomoyo's
779 involvement. Seeing that Maia seems to have a good inspiration streak
780 right now, you may see it sooner than you think.
781 Don't worry Sailormoon fans as I said this will tie into a bigger
782 project and you will soon get to see something of it (always assuming
783 Maia complies).
785 Some things to clear up.
786 First off, I changed a tiny amount of things in "The Different Path".
787 No real revision but more little details that are necessary. I am a
788 perfectionist than writing, especially concerning facts like a working
789 timeline that makes sense. I realized that the birth year given for
790 Tomoyo on her tombstone has actually to be one year earlier or she'll
791 end up younger than Sakura. Why this might be possible, it doesn't
792 work out for the timeline of the greater project. That's really a