Disclaimer: Heylas. Yes, this is yet another songfic. O__o I’ve gotten addicted. I don’t own what I don’t own, and the song is by Carolyn Dawn Johnson. Lovely, by the way. Please enjoy the fanfic! ~.^ ~~Forever3330~~ ^.~

 

 Complicated~~A Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon Fanfiction

 

 By Forever3330

 

 	“You’ve been acting weird lately.” A small, calm voice, curious in itself, from near the girl who was packing her school bag, slowly.

 

 <I'm so scared that the way I feel

 Is written all over my face.>

 

 	Stopping her movements, the rose-haired girl glanced up at the tiny gray kitten sitting on her bed, and shook her head. “It’s nothing.”

 

 	“Mama says that nothing is *always* something.” Diana spoke with a tone of utmost wisdom, looking as noble as was possible for a kitten. “And you’ll be late.”

 

 	Chibiusa gave her friend a small smile, still thinking, and scratched Diana behind her ears for a moment, before slinging her pack over one shoulder and leaving, not saying anything else.

 

 	The kitten watched.

 

 <When you walk into the room

 I wanna find a hiding place.>

 

 	“Can you believe it?”

 

 	Hotaru spared a moment to glance at Momo, before turning back to look down the street, hands clasped in front of her. Ruruna or Naruru were bound to be able to hold up the gossip-inclined conversation. It really was too bad she’d never been one for such things, or she’d have something to occupy her mind with now.

 

 	Anything besides all these *thoughts*. Why was it they could never just leave her, that she could never just be able to engage in silly activities like gossip without thinking about this and that, and whatever else came at her.

 

 	“Guys!” There she was. The raven-haired girl relaxed, letting her eyes follow the girl running up the street, stopping beside them. “Sorry I'm late.”

 

 	“You missed the *funniest* thing, Chibiusa!!!” Ruruna or Naruru, Hotaru’s half-asleep mind didn’t bother to try and tell them apart, ran up and squeezed the other girl’s arm.

 

 	When Chibiusa turned to greet her, Hotaru wished she’d mastered the well-known and longed for ability to turn invisible.

 

 <We used to laugh, we used to hug, the way that old friends do.>

 

        “Are you okay, Hotaru?” Ruby eyes, worried. Normally the other girl would smile and hug her or take her hand and they would walk to school. “You look pale.”

        

 	“She is pale.” This was pointed out by Naruru in the background, who was promptly hit by Momo.

 

 	“Paler then normal, dummy!!”

 

 	“Owww…no need to kill me.”

 

 	“You’re not dead.”

 

 	Chibiusa tuned out the argument, giving Hotaru a questioning smile, reaching out to take her hand. “’Taru?” Chibiusa missed her friend.

 

 <But now, a smile and a touch of your hand

 Just makes me come unglued.>

 

        The other girl stepped forward, and gave Chibiusa a smile. “Nothing.” Avoiding the offered hand, she shivered slightly, and looked over at Momo, who was now being double teamed.

        

        “We should get going, Chibiusa. We don’t want to be late.”

 

 <Such a contradiction, do I lie or tell the truth.>

 

        “Yeah…” Chibiusa gave a weak smile in return, looking hurt. What was happening lately? “Guys, stop fighting!” She turned to the other three, raising her eyebrows. “We need to get a move on.”

        

        “Yes, mother!” Ruruna’s voice was plastered with sugar, and Naruru took the oppurtunity to thwack her upside the head.

 

 <Is it fact or fiction,

 Oh the way I feel for you.>

 

 	Chibiusa. Hotaru shook her head, and followed the other girls, quietly. Maybe all of this was an illusion. It…was possible. Wasn’t it?

 

 	That within itself was pure folly. She’d lived long enough to know herself. She just wished she’d have picked someone else. Anyone else. Not her best friend, with all her perfection and her flaws and herself, whom she didn’t want to loose.

 

 	At least knowing what to say would help. Anything.

 

 <So complicated, I'm so frustrated.>

 

        “Chibiusa.” Hotaru came up from behind her, and gave a small smile. When was the last she’d been this quiet…? “Sorry. I'm not myself today, is all.”

        

        “You don’t need to apologize.” The princess smiled, slightly. “You don’t need to. It’s not like we got into a fight.”

        

        “I do.”

 

 <I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,

 I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.> 

 

        “If I didn’t…” Hotaru looked ahead. “Then you would think things that aren’t true.”

        

        Chibiusa looked away. Things like what? What was she supposed to think or not think? “’Taru…”

        

        The other girl was looking down. Why was it she had been able to destroy everything in existance from her birth, and had done so, but could not decide what it was she wanted now? Why was it she was here against all reasons, all laws, and why was it she did not think she could carry out her mission were it given to her?

        

        “I'm sorry.” The words were meant for more then one thing, and Hotaru looked back at her friend.

 

 <Should I say it? Should I tell you how I feel?>

 

        “Don’t be.” How silly was that to say? You can’t tell someone not to feel sorry. Why should that stop them? How could it?

        

        “…..”

        

        “I'm sorry.” Chibiusa felt like laughing, insane laughter, because she had no idea what was going on. Was there something else here? Something besides the words? “Hotaru.”

        

        “Usa…” Chibiusa looked up, into very violet eyes, the urge to laugh gone. “I…”

        

        “You?”

        

        “Nothing.” Hotaru cut herself off, shaking her head. “We’re late.”

 

 <Oh, I want you to know.

 But then again, I don't. It's so complicated.>

 

        She wondered, following the princess she’d promised to protect, if she knew what it was she wanted anymore. If she even wanted anything or if she could stand the confusion and all of the pulling, tearing, breaking apart.

 

 <Oh…just when I think I'm under control.

 I think I finally got a grip.>

 

        She wouldn’t ask. Chibiusa would never ask what it was that her friend treasured so, the words and thoughts she wouldn’t share, the thing she’d never speak of. She couldn’t.

        

        The fear of doing so was so overwhelming, so consuming. How could she? How could she risk herself?

        

        But she did that everyday. She was here, wasn’t she?

        

        Chibiusa secretly thought herself weak.

 

 <Another friend tells me that

 My name is always on your lips.>

 

        How long had she known the hint of something that might be? How long had she imagined it? Was she imagining it or was it real, not herself and her lies any longer?

        

        So many times.

        

        “Hotaru never stops talking about you.” Usagi’s loud, cheery voice, laughing.

        

        “She’d do anything for you. It’s so sweet.” Minako, smiling.

        

        “She promised to protect you.”

        

        “She’s always there.”

        

        “You’re always together.”

        

        “Did you know…”

        

        “Don’t you know…”

        

        “Can’t you tell she loves you, Chibiusa?” Momo’s voice, so steady, her eyes, and that understanding that made the girl wonder if she wasn’t a heroine of a different sort. Something better then the senshi.

        

        All Chibiusa knew was that she’d thought maybe Hotaru did. Maybe. But then there had been the soft dream, the wishing to be a lady. To be something, for once, that Usagi was not.

        

        She wished she’d never had the dream of Helios, nor seen the hurt in her sweet best friend’s eyes, to make such pain.

        

        All she knew was that she couldn’t believe it, couldn’t risk it, couldn’t have it. She couldn’t.

 

 <They say I'm more than just a friend, 

 they say I must be blind.>

 

        “How could you do that to her?”

        

        “You know what it is that’s happening, Chibiusa.”

        

        “Stop denying it!”

        

        “Don’t pretend.”

        

        “Stop making wishes and games and save both of you!”

        

        “Chibiusa.”

        

        “Please.”

        

        Momo, always there, always talking, and Diana’s soft, curious voice as to why her princess was crying.

        

        “You know what you want to do, don’t you Chibiusa?”

 

 <Well, I admit that I've seen you watch me 

 from the corner of your eye.>

 

        Looks. Long gazes, and she knew what she saw in them, that endless storm, something she couldn’t let exist.

        

        There were dreams and reality.

        

        Dreams were the memories, the moments that were long and had almost no place in time, the times when the world closed to a smaller view, just Chibiusa and Hotaru and Hotaru and Chibiusa and it was a circle that spun ‘round and ‘round until there was neither one nor the other.

        

        Laughter, games, words that she held more dear then she’d like.

        

        Reality was that it couldn’t be.

        

        I couldn’t.

        

        It wasn’t *supposed* to be.

        

        “You’re lying to yourself, Chibiusa.”

        

        “Why do you care so much?”

        

        “It’s not as if…”

        

        “The world would end…”

        

        “If you told the truth.”

        

        But it would. Wouldn’t it?

 

 <Oh, It's so confusing. I wish you'd just confess.> 

 

        Hotaru saw it in her friend. The same things she thought and felt. And she wondered why she didn’t come out and say it when she knew that they were the same, those feelings.

        

        But she couldn’t.

        

        Because no matter how true that was, even if she was the person made for Chibiusa and Chibiusa was made for her, the world wasn’t made for them to be together.

        

        Why should that have any effect on her?

        

        She could destroy this world. It would all end, and begin.

        

        Why the hell should she follow these rules set by time, by blood, by simple origin?

        

        Because she knew duty.

 

 <But think of what I'd be losing, 

 if your answer wasn't yes.>

 

        It was the same twisted fate that her princess was caught in that she could not escape. Destined to walk these lines. And destiny didn’t let go, did it?

        

        It hadn’t let them go, all this time, any of the senshi.

        

        But had they tried to get free?

        

        Couldn’t she try to free the two of them?

        

        Couldn’t she kill destiny?

        

        But if she could…

        

        …Would Chibiusa even give her the answer she wanted? The truth?

 

 <So complicated I'm so frustrated.>

 

  	Was there a truth anymore?

 

 	It was there, but for how long?

 

 	How long?

 

 	“You know the truth!! You’re killing each other.”

 

 	“Momo, please. Be quiet. You don’t know…you don’t…”

 

 	“Chibiusa…I know what you need…you’re my friend…”

 

 	“…And you’re killing me.”

 

 	“Momo…”

 

 <I wanna hold you close, I wanna push you away,

 I wanna make you go, I wanna make you stay.>

 

        Perhaps.

        

        Maybe she wouldn’t hold to duty.

        

        If Chibiusa didn’t…

        

        …Then Hotaru would follow her, always, to the end.

        

        And they wouldn’t need to obey destiny.

        

        “Chibiusa…” And then…

        

        …Hotaru wouldn’t be covered in all these tears.

 

 <Should I say it, should I tell you how I feel.>

 

        How many days had it been? How many weeks?

        

        Dancing around the truth.

        

        Flirting with the lies.

        

        “I can’t.”

        

        “Can’t you?”

        

        “I…can’t…there’s too much…”

        

        “Too much what? Look at yourself, please. Just look. You’re walking and you’re dead like this. You need to live.”

        

        “If I live, they’ll all die.”

        

        “Why?”

        

        “…It’s all entwined.”

        

        “You know the truth.”

        

        “I don’t need it.”

        

        “Don’t you?”

 

 <Oh I want you to know, but then again I don't, It's so complicated.>

 

        Just tell her. Speak up. Say something, anything. Just tell her the words she needs to hear.

        

        Does she need to hear them?

        

        Does she?

        

        How do you know anymore?

        

        Duty.

        

        There was always duty.

 

 <Oh, I hate it. 'Cuz I've waited.

 So long for someone like you>

 

        When she was younger, in that cursed life…she had been dead and alive all at once and she had known nothing but the pain and her flesh wasn’t flesh.

        

        But she wasn’t so lonely. There was the soft smile, the laughter.

        

        In the first life, the life where she was alone in the vast empty spaces and lonely beauty of the planet of Death…

        

        …There was only her.

        

        There was no dream of someone else.

        

        She knew no one else, and yet she knew all she must do, and all her mission.

        

        She watched the fateful love grow between Moon and Earth.

        

        She was cold, detatched, and then she killed all.

        

        The next time she came…

        

        …There was hesitation.

        

 	There was the dream of someone else.

 

 <Oh, what do I do.

 Oh should I say it.>

 

        “Momo.” It was raining, the sky was crying, and she thought maybe she was crying too, this princess of the moon and earth who didn’t want her blood or duty of any of it.

        

        “Chibiusa…! You’re getting wet. What are you…”

        

        “Momo, I want to tell you something.”

        

        “Are you…going to tell her? You don’t need to tell me that.”

        

        “I want to tell you something.”

 

 <Should I tell you how I feel.

 I want you to know, but then again I don't.>

 

 	“I'm going away. Far away.”

 

 	“You can’t run from this!”

 

 	“Momo…”

 

 	“Chibiusa, listen to me!” Momo was crying, Momo who only ever wanted to know who she was and have her friends and maybe grow up.

 

 	“I'm not running.”

 

 	“What do you call it, then?!”

 

 <It's so complicated...>

 

        “We can’t stay.” Hotaru wasn’t crying. She was soft and dark and strong and she would follow always.

        

        “Both of you…why…” Momo was on her knees, and her friends were leaving her. They were going and going and the world was dark.

        

        “We’ll be fine, Momo. But you need to take care of Diana for me, okay? She won’t understand.” Chibiusa, bending down, rocking with her best friend, her lover standing back, watching, looking back out into the empty streets.

        

        “We have to go.”

        

        “Don’t…” Momo was holding the sleeping kitten, crying, and everything was crying and it was gray.

        

        “Don’t worry, Momo.” Chibiusa smiled, and Hotaru smiled too.

 

 <It's so complicated...>

 

 	“We’re going to the stars. And we won’t ever come back…they might chase us, but we can’t come back ever.”

 

 	“I…”

 

 	“You know already, don’t you?” And Hotaru was soft and she understood and she smiled.

 

 	“…Be happy.” And the human girl was quiet and she smiled and she was crying.

 

 	“We will. And we have friends…I'm my own now.”

 

 	Four girls, smiling, one laughed.

 

 	And she was alone and the kitten mewled.

 

 <It's so complicated.>

 

        “Impossible.”

        

        “Did you really think she would obey your so-called Destiny forever?” The soldier of wind, angry fierce, sad and broken. “Neither of them would. They loved.”

        

        “We would have understood…We could have…” The moon was lost, and she knew it couldn’t be true because of who they were and she secretly wanted to destroy destiny as well, because destiny had lost her her daughter and it controlled her.

        

        “We’ll follow them.”

        

        “We can’t. They’re stong…and we need to make sure your Chibiusa doesn’t do this.”

        

        “But it’s already been done.”

        

        “Change it!”

        

        “We need her.”

        

        “Because she’s your blood. And she must rule.”

        

        “No!” The moon shook her head, and she looked like the queen she would be. “She’s happy now. She’s…” Tears, “Dead to us. Both of them are.”

        

        “You’re stupid. Stupid! We need the power.”

        

        “It is my word.” And she knew and she wished her daughter happiness, and she cried.

        

        “They can be replaced.”

 

 <Ohh…>

 

        “They can’t.” Soft, soft Mercury her eyes level. “Usagi can have another heir, and other planetborn will come, but you’ve lost us two we loved. I…hate this.”

        

        Her voice was venom.

        

        “Love is lost…Love…just because of duty…” And Venus was laughing and crying and strong, and Mercury looked at her sadly and they were quiet.

        

        “You know what the future must be!”

        

        Did cats lie?

        

        Sometimes, Usagi thought they might.

        

        “We know.” Uranus spat the words.

        

        “I'm not so sure I do…anymore.” The moon quieted, and they began to leave. They couldn’t change this.

        

        Venus who knew her duty and would place it before all but didn’t want to always looked at the sky, and quietly, quietly whispered prayers.

 

 END

 

 Authors Notes: O____o; Weeeeeeeell. That turned out different then expected. Maybe the cotton candy had something to do with it…