Arigatou

 by Riesz Fenrir

 

 Disclaimer: I don't own CLAMP or Card Captor Sakura. In fact, CLAMP

 and Card Captor Sakura own me. They own you too, admit it. ^_^

 

 This is the first fanfic I've ever written, about any series, so

 please don't flame me too hard for it. ^_^; Die-hard fans may well be

 able to find some inaccuracies, since I've not seen that much of

 ::cough:: "Cardcaptors" and even less of CCS itself. In fact, this is

 largely based on the manga, which I have a lot more of (plus it's

 cuter ^_^). Oh, and a warning: this is angst, pure and simple. Don't

 expect happy endings.

 

 Stuff in <angle brackets> = thoughts.

 

 

 

 ~~~

 

 <"You don't know just how much.... I love you, Sakura.">

 

       Tomoyo sat on the bed in the middle of her expansive,

 exquisitely-decorated quarters at the Daidouji mansion. Not that one

 would be able to tell from a glance around the room that intricately-

 patterned magnolia wallpaper, or indeed anything at all, lay behind

 the countless photographs of Sakura that covered the walls ceiling to

 floor. One more rested in Tomoyo's hands as she gazed absently out of

 the window towards Tomoeda Elementary.

       <Morning classes will be nearly over by now....> Tomoyo knew

 she ought to be at school too, but over these past few weeks, it

 seemed, Sakura and Syaoran had been getting closer. A *lot* closer.

 Tomoyo sighed. What was her problem anyway? She had always said she'd

 be happy if Sakura was happy. And Syaoran did make Sakura happy....

 which was the one thing that tore Tomoyo's heart to shreds. Seeing

 them together like that.... holding hands, laughing...... <like we

 used to be.....>

       So here she was, alone in her room, pretending to be too sick

 to go. <It's the truth, anyway.... only the sickness is in my heart.

 I just didn't think I could face another day of living my life this

 way.... putting on that same smile, pretending everything's

 okay........>

       Tomoyo's gaze returned to the picture in her hand.

       <It's not okay......>

       Most of the pictures that lined Tomoyo's walls were of Sakura

 as only Tomoyo knew her; as the Card Captor, the defender of Tomoeda

 from the Clow Cards' evil...... but this, this was just everday,

 ordinary Sakura, smiling as she made her way to school. Only there

 had never been anything "everyday" or "ordinary" about Sakura. She

 was perfection itself..... the touch of her smooth, soft, lightly-

 tanned skin..... the way the light danced in those intense, emerald-

 green eyes when she smiled..... the sweet scent of her short auburn

 hair..... the gentleness of her voice.... all things that could melt

 Tomoyo in a heartbeat.

       <It's not okay......>

       A single hot tear slid down Tomoyo's cheek and fell onto the

 photograph. Her hand, seemingly independent of her conscious mind,

 reached behind her and groped for something on the bedside table.

 Tomoyo's trembling hands unsheathed the small penknife as she brought

 it back into her tear-blurred view. Her eyes closed, squeezing out

 another tear.

       <It's not okay!>

       The sound of Tomoyo's own scream broke into her thoughts,

 jolting her back to reality. A place to which she had no desire to

 return any longer. She didn't need to open her eyes to feel the blood

 trickling down her arm. Concentrating on the warm sensation, allowing

 the darkness to encapsulate her senses, coccooning her within

 herself.... as the initial stinging sensation faded, it began to feel

 calming, almost.... comforting. Tomoyo wrapped her arms around

 herself and huddled blindly into her pillows.

       <Sakura-chan.....>

       As if answering her silent call, the phone rang. Reluctantly,

 almost tentatively, Tomoyo opened her eyes and released the pillow

 she was hugging, reaching for the pink cellphone with clammy,

 bloodstained fingers.

       "M...moshi-moshi?" she half-whispered, her voice weak and shaky.

       "Tomoyo-chan?" While she knew that only Sakura would ever call

 her on this phone, the sound of her voice still made her heart jump

 unexpectedly.

       "...Hai......"

       "I was just calling to see how you were..... Terada-sensei

 said you weren't feeling too good......"

       "......I'm okay......."

       "You don't sound it, Tomoyo-chan.......... Do you want me to

 come over?"

       Tomoyo took a deep breath. "........Onegai............... if

 it's not too much trouble.............."

       Sakura laughed a little on the other end of the phone. "Of

 course not, baka! Nothing's too much trouble for my best friend!"

       ".......Arigatou..........."

       "Okay, I'll be there right away. Ja ne..."

       "......Ja ne." The line went dead as Sakura hung up.

       For the ten minutes it took for Sakura to arrive, Tomoyo sat

 cross-legged on the bed, motionless, her back to the door. She

 clutched her left arm tightly to her chest, deep crimson fluid

 soaking into her nightshirt, the pain now reduced to a dull throb. It

 was in this state that Sakura found her.

       "Tomoyo-chan.....?" Sakura's soft, inquiring voice floated

 into her thoughts, at first a distant echo, a lingering echo of a

 long-faded dream..... then gradually, the voice became clearer,

 sharper, as though the one she dreamed of stood right by her

 side.........

       "Tomoyo-chan?"

       Tomoyo's eyes flickered open to see Sakura's questioning face,

 a mixture of concern and anxiety in those deep, all-encapsulating

 green eyes.

       "Tomoyo-chan, are you...." Sakura gasped a little as Tomoyo's

 hand shifted, uncovering the stains on her shirt. "Tomoyo-chan!

 You're hurt...."

       Tomoyo whimpered a little as Sakura sat down beside her and

 gently moved her arm away from her chest to examine the wound. "How

 did......" Sakura began, stopping in her tracks when her gaze was

 caught by the bloodied penknife that still lay on the bedclothes. Her

 eyes turned back to Tomoyo's, green orbs of disbelief meeting greyish-

 blue pools of fear. A single word escaped her lips. "Why.......?"

       Tomoyo struggled to break the intensity of Sakura's gaze, but

 failed. Slowly, her right hand opened to reveal the crumpled, tear-

 stained picture she had been clutching the entire time. Sakura

 glanced down at it, then back at Tomoyo, a blank look in her eyes. "I

 don't understand, Tomoyo-chan...." Another tear silently slid down

 Tomoyo's cheek, and Sakura absently wiped it away with her

 fingertips, causing the dark-haired girl to shudder slightly at her

 friend's tender touch.

       "S...Sakura-chan....... I.......I......." Tomoyo's cheeks

 reddened suddenly as the realisation of just how close Sakura was

 dawned upon her. Suddenly dumbstruck, in a momentary lapse of

 rational thought she leaned in closer to Sakura and briefly allowed

 their lips to brush. <Surely... this will make her understand.....>

       It did.

       Sakura jumped back suddenly, her mind swirling with confusion

 that quickly turned to dizzying realisation. <I love you a lot too,

 Sakura....> She stared at Tomoyo, who returned the gaze, her eyes

 threatening tears once more, pleading for acceptance. Sakura felt

 tears sting her own eyes too as she realised that for the first time

 in their lives there was nothing she could do to help her friend.

 "I...... I'm sorry........... Tomoyo-chan.........." Her words barely

 came out as a whisper, but they were clear enough to Tomoyo. Feeling

 powerless to do anything else, Sakura turned and fled from the room.

 

 ~~~

 

 Too shaken by Tomoyo's unspoken revelation to return to school,

 Sakura made her way towards Penguin Park in a haze. <A place where

 Tomoyo and me spent so much time together....... will it ever be the

 same?> She sat down heavily inside the great King Penguin that was

 seemingly Tomoeda's primary landmark, leaning back against its inner

 walls with an anguished sigh. It wasn't that this kind of thing

 disgusted her.... it wasn't even that new to her, really. After all,

 her brother and Yukito..... But somehow, Tomoyo's actions today had

 changed things between them. The dark-haired girl was her best

 friend, she had been since third grade, and Sakura couldn't imagine

 what her life would be like without her, but... after today, she

 thought, a sickening feeling growing in her stomach at the fact that

 she could think of her best friend with such callousness, she wasn't

 sure if she could ever feel comfortable around Tomoyo again. Not in

 the same way.

       "Hoeeee......."

 

 ~~~

 

 Tomoyo's eyes were fixated on the screen as she sat alone in her

 video room, the almost stifling darkness illuminated only by the glow

 of the projected image. The penknife dangled limply from her fingers,

 crimson liquid flowing freely down the smooth blade from the deep

 gashes in her wrists, seeming almost black in the half-light.

       The on-screen Sakura smiled and waved, and Tomoyo couldn't

 help but manage a wavering attempt at a smile in return.

       <Arigatou, Sakura-chan...... for

 everything.......................>

       Sakura's image blurred and flickered as as a mixture of

 sadness, pain and resignation brought new tears to her reddened eyes

 once more. And as the last scenes of Tomoyo's home movie faded to

 black, so did Tomoyo's world.... forever.

 

 <"Thank you for all your tenderness....

 Thank you for all your happiness....

 Thank you for all your kindness....

 Thank you for all your everything.............">

 

 ~~~

 

 Glossary of Japanese terms:

 arigatou = thank you

 -chan= affectionate suffix, used between friends, lovers, people who

 are close

 moshi-moshi = what the Japanese say when they answer the phone

 hai = yes

 -sensei = suffix used for teachers etc.

 onegai = please

 baka = silly, stupid, etc.

 ja ne = see you later

 hoeee = just Sakura's favourite little expression

 

 Author's notes: Crying yet? ;_; Probably with tears of frustration

 at how people such as me can be allowed to call themselves

 writers..... Still, I had a go, can't say I didn't. I love S&T fluff

 as much as the next shoujo-ai fan, it's true, but I don't think there

 are enough fics out there that deal with the harsh reality - that,

 while we all know Tomoyo loves Sakura, Sakura almost certainly would

 not return her feelings... ;_; Also, this was inspired by real,

 personal feelings, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't riff it no

 matter how much you think it sucks. Thanks.... and if you liked, or

 you didn't like, or you want to throw comments/criticism/whatevers my

 way, email me at fenrirknight@hotmail.com. I promise to reply to all

 non-flames.

 

 Now go and read some fluff! ^_^