Disclaimer: Me again. I suddenly got in a writing mood, so here it

 is! Please note that I do not own any copyrighted items. I hope you

 all enjoy it. ~.^ ~~Forever3330~~ ^.~

 

 Thoughts

 By Forever3330

 kawaiimotoko@hotmail.com

 

 	Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it. Sitting on the sidelines,

 holding everything swirling around in me back, building wall upon

 wall around my true heart, trying to lock it away, all so that I can

 give her, to the best of my ability, what she deserves. Someone who

 loves her, who can protect her and her precious heart, who can help

 her to shine more brightly then she already does, who can give her a

 life. A marriage, a family, a reason to live.

 	My treacherous heart is torn in two; I love her! I can protect her!

 I can help her shine more brightly! But when it comes to the last, I

 stop. Everything simply grows cold and I force a smile, just from

 habit, as I feel the familiar despair and reason wash over me. I

 can’t give her a life. Not a marriage, not a family. And how, how

 could I possibly give her a reason to live, when I couldn’t do those

 simple things?

 	And so I cry tears that aren’t tears. They don’t exist, they don’t

 cause me to cry out in grief; because they don’t exist in the world

 where you can see and feel them. They only exist within me, as I cry

 my way through eternity. But why do I do such a thing?

 	A simple answer, I suppose. I do it for her. For her happiness. For

 her heart. It’s the only path I can see. It’s the only path there is.

 I would do anything for her; but that leaves me trapped, in a prison

 I helped to make.

 	I can’t leave. That would only hurt her. I can’t. I can’t stay;

 that only causes me to die further inside of myself, pulling back,

 only barely remembering to wear my smiling mask. But I have to stay.

 I can’t hurt her. If I would truly do anything for her, then surely I

 can do so simple a thing as be there through all the pain. No matter

 what. Even if I eventually kill my own heart in the effort of trying

 to stay, to not hurt the heart I treasure above all others.

 	But I’m starting to wonder if that isn’t true. I’m beginning to be

 unable to feel anything but the emotions I have for her, and the

 emotions that I stand for her. Despair, loneliness, hope, love, and

 endless longing, those too many to name, and worst of all reason. Is

 reason even an emotion? Whatever it is, it is by far the worst thing

 to have.

 	Or the best.

 	Without reason, wouldn’t I have ruined the life I’m so carefully

 trying to build for her? Wouldn’t I have lost any chance of her

 happiness? Wouldn’t she hate me?

 	Most people would hate me, I’m sure. For something I can’t help,

 something I never asked for, never meant to fall into…and I could do

 nothing about it. As long as I wear my masks at least I can be near

 her.

 	I wish it would stop. The confusion, all of it. Every emotion that

 swirls through me, the life I don’t want to live that I do want to

 live. It would be easy to stop it all. But I can’t. My prison seems

 to grow into something I can’t escape more and more as my desire to

 escape it grows. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I wish…

 	The last word I hear echoing through my mind, as everything quiets,

 letting me rest, is ‘why’. Why? Why? Why…

 	Why does anything happen? I don’t really know. I don’t know

 anything at all, in a way. Does anyone know everything? If someone

 does, could they come and explain to me once more why? Can they

 explain that stupid, silly word that always ends my battles within

 this prison?

 	Can they explain why?

 	I don’t want this. I don’t want to be forever wandering though this

 dark place. I don’t want any of it. I don’t…

 	But I do.

 	I want the small, treasured moments where I have the light she

 gives me. The light that eases the pain away, that forces the

 darkness and the prison back. Sometimes the light makes me want to

 break my masks. Sometimes it helps me to fix them, and reminds me why

 I do any of this at all. But mostly the light leaves me with the

 smallest, weakest hope. The most hope I can manage. The hope that

 someday…someday…

 	I don’t really know.

 	The hope that she’ll save me, I guess. That’s silly, I know…you

 have to save yourself. No one saves you. No one can, when you’re so

 close to invisible as I am. But how am I to save myself when it takes

 all my strength to keep alive? It takes all of me to show that smile

 I have to give, to make them all think I’m okay. I’m always okay. I

 have to be. If I show that I’m not, I could break it all…she can’t

 worry about me. I can’t have that.

 	I can’t really think anymore. I’m broken, I think. Broken. I don’t

 think I can be fixed by anything but the one thing I can’t have.

 Absurd, isn’t it? That I can’t find the strength to save myself, but

 I can find it in me to save others from all that I feel? That I can

 only mask everything that goes through my mind? That I can’t ever

 really show all of myself, let the masks drop, let anyone, least of

 all her, stare straight into my eyes and see in one glimpse

 everything that I have to hide?

 	All I can think right now it nothing, really. It’s simply an empty

 void. I’m running out of emotions and thoughts. All but those that I

 seem to be cursed with for the rest of my life. I must have an

 endless supply of those; that or she hands them all to me, without

 noticing. You’d think she’d notice. How can she simply pull something

 out without realizing it?

 	But that’s one of the things I like about her. She’s too innocent

 to understand the workings of the heart, or of emotions themselves.

 She just needs a few pushes in the right direction sometimes.

 	But how can I know the right direction?

 	I think she’s fallen for him, though. It’s not that hard to see. If

 only they would move far, far away, so that it could all end. So that

 I could make my disappearing act with her none the wiser. But no; she

 can’t leave her home. Her friends, her family. Me. And I haven’t the

 slightest idea why.

 	No matter what I say I still can’t convince her that it’s for the

 best.

 	And so I sit here on a swing in the park, arguing with myself,

 unconsciously smiling out of habit. Smiling when I feel like crying.

 For once it would be nice to cry. But I wonder if I can cry. I used

 to cry myself to sleep, a long time ago. I don’t think I have any of

 the tears that people would refer to as real left. I think I’m too

 far gone for that. To let it all go and simply cry. To sob. To wail.

 To bemoan your fate.

 	Perhaps I’m slightly insane to think that wonderful, but surely it

 is better then this battle I hold within myself. I want them out. All

 the painful emotions. But not the love or the hope. The love is

 something that wouldn’t go away if I wanted it to. And the hope at

 least gives me something to grasp. A rope thrown down into the hole

 I’ve dug myself, beckoning for me to try to climb it, a little. A

 rope that taunts with the thought that someone might descend to help

 me up, or pull the rope back up with me attached.

 	I know that the thought I keep trying to obliterate has to do with

 that hope. The hope that it will be her who saves me; the hope that I

 will be saved at all. Why would she save me?

 	She doesn’t even know that I need to be saved.