Lonely Hearts 

 by Amazoness Duo 

 amazonessduo@hotmail.com 

 

 Her name was Hikari, though her friends, if she had any, would know her as Kairi. Two years ago, she saved countless worlds from being consumed by darkness. Two years ago, she nearly encompassed all existence as the very essence of darkness. As Kairi, the Keyblade Mistress, she fought for the Light that could never accept her. As Princess Hikari, she struggled for the comfort of a world of eternal night, the only world where she could finally be at peace. In the end, she realized that she was both of these people. She was indeed the princess of the Heartless, but she was not entirely without a heart herself. Deciding to accept her own broken, pained heart, Hikari saved the very worlds she had nearly pulled into ruin. But in doing so, she had to wake up from the dream. She had to leave behind the two boys she loved and the island paradise that had been her hideaway from the pain within. For those worlds to survive, she had to return to the home she had tried so desperately to escape. 

 

 At least, that was what Hikari had dreamed as she lay dying on her bedroom floor, bleeding from her slit wrists. It had felt like an eternity, but it had only been long enough for her mother to find her and call the ambulance. Hikari was not a princess or a much loved girl on a beautiful island. She was a lonely, depressed girl who escaped into the Disney movies and Squaresoft games that she cherished. A lonely dreamer, her only solace were the made up worlds where she could pretend to be happy. 

 

 And now she was once again lost in the cold, harsh world she had tried to run away from. Her mother needed her, she reminded herself. The reminder did little to boost her waning spirits. Her mother needed her. That was why she continued on in a world she neither belonged in nor chared for. But it was a reason. Her only reason. It had to suffice. 

 

 Sometimes her wrists still burned agonizingly. Her doctor had told her that she was making it up, that there was no way they could stilll hurt because they had healed. He said it was all in her mind. Apparently everything was just a figment of her imagination these days. 

 

 Healed or not, the scars were both very prominent on her wrists. Hikari always wore wristbands to hide the telltale signs of her suicide gone wrong. 

 

 It killed her to think that all her adventures and loves were simply her lonely, dying mind imagining people who cared and a life worth living. Her dying dreams had been filled with characters from the Disney movies she wished she could meet since she`d been a child. Characters from Squaresoft games she had spent hours playing to escape her own droll life had wanted to join her party in this amalgam of worlds. There were even boys who loved her and competed for her attention. She was wanted and needed, but only within the fantasies of a lonely, needy young girl. Her heart ached when she remembered playing with Tidus, Selphie and Wakka. She felt a sense of loss that those who had joined her adventure, Yuffie and Relm, were nothing more than pixels on a screen. And tears would always threaten when her mind would point out that the ones she loved most of all, Riku and Sora, were only in her mind. They only loved her because she wanted them to. Sometimes she would forget all this and Sora`s words would come back to her. `I`m always with you, too.` The two boys had promised to find her. But they never would. Because they were but a beautiful dream and the dreamer had finally awoken. 

 

 Her pen moved across her notebook as if it had a mind of its own. Drawing had always been something she loved and it was one of the few things that she knew she was good at. It let her escape her dreary surroundings and be anywhere she could imagine. Drawings let her see anyone she wanted doing anything, anywhere. They were her windows into other worlds, the worlds within her soul. 

 

 His spikey hair was the first to take shape. The pen glided along, giving life to the goofy smile of his before skirting to the cool gaze of the other boy, driving up and bringing his own longer hair into existence. The two grew, back to back, little pieces of them slowly coming to life on the page with every movement of her pen. Her boys. Darkness and Light. So different and yet both of them made her heart ache. One cheerfully optimistic and gloriously uncomplicated. The other endlessly determined and enticingly mysterious. A soft, pained sigh began deep within her chest. If only... 

 

 "Who is that supposed to be? Lady and the Tramp?" The voice made Hikari cringe. She was 16 years old and still drew all sorts of Disney and Squaresoft characters all over her backpack and notebooks. It was relatively simple. She liked them. They gave her comfort. Why other people had to harass her about it, she couldn`t begin to guess. 

 

 "It looks more like Beauty and the Beast to me," said another. 

 

 "I think it`s Aladdin and Squall. You know what a big yaoi fan Hikari is," laughed a third. 

 

 Sometimes Hikari wished she still had control of the Heartless. Her mind would call out to them and she could imagine them coming to her, her children. Then they could steal the hearts of these bimbos and make them into more Heartless. Hikari got the distinct impression that she would much prefer the girls as Heartless creatures than as cruel girls. 

 

 "Why don`t you fuck off?" Hikari explained with what felt like, to her, a great deal of patience. The girls didn`t see things Hikari`s way. 

 

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

 Hikari winced as her tongue ran over the cut in her mouth. Her cheek hurt terribly and she could still taste blood. she didn`t quite know how to explain to her mother that she had been in another fight. She wasn`t much of a fighter, so victories were seldom hers and it always worried her mother to no end. `Why don`t you just walk away?` her mother would say. `I`m tired of walking away,` Hikari would try to explain. `I`m tired of being teased and picked on beacause I`m different. I`m tired of just letting things be so messed up.` Sometimes her mother would cry. Hikari hoped this would not be one of those times. 

 

 Collapsing onto her bed, Hikari stared at the roof. Posters and drawings covered every spare bit of wallspace in her room. Figurines, games, and movies covered every inch of the desks and shelves. She could no longer travel between worlds, so she was forced to look into them through the movies and games she loved. It let her see the worlds, but she could never be a part of them. As much as she loved Sleeping Beauty, it would never let her into it. 

 

 Sighing disconsolately, Hikari rolled onto her side. She irritably brushed away the hair that fell into her eyes. Sometimes she wished she knew what she was fighting for, what she was waiting for. Life wasn`t a fairytale. There was no Prince Charming coming to awaken her from this dreary nightmare. 

 

 "Kairi..." The voice sounded so familiar. It took her a moment to realize it was her own. It sounded strange hearing it from elsewhere, like listening to a recording of her voice. Sitting up quickly, the auburn haired girl spotted the source of the voice. Herself. Or someone who looked just like her. The other girl had slightly longer hair and wore pants, short gloves, and a sleeveless shirt. Hikari`s mouth opened briefly, but she had no words to fill the void. She was quite obviously in bed. So how was it that she was also near the nightstand? This couldn`t be happening. It wasn`t happening. Holding her head, she tried to collect her thoughts, to force them into some kind of sense. 

 

 The copy of Hikari stepped to the bed and gazed down at her with her indigo eyes. "We`re coming, Kairi," she promised. "Just hold on a little longer. You have to be strong. A storm is coming." 

 

 "Riku?" THe name came unbidden to Hikari`s lips, escaping in a rushed whisper. A smile crossed her double`s face at the name. 

 

 "Just don`t give up. You said you`d be waiting," the doppleganger said. Resting her gloved hands on Hikari`s skirt covered thighs, she leaned forward and kissed her twin. 

 

 Hikari was mesmerized. Her lips offered no resistence, lost in the feeling of the soft lips conquering her own. Soft, small breasts pressed together as the gloved girl kissed her deeper. Hikari began to warm to the kiss, melting into it, yearning for more. Her knight... Had he returned? His body had been destroyed, but she had given him her own before she had disappeared from his world. Had he come back to her? Her doubts and suspicions of her dream worlds sank to the back of her mind. All the loneliness, all the desperation seemed to drain away by the kiss. Hikari gave into it entirely, reaching out to pull her double close and never let go. 

 

 And then she was gone. The front door slamming told Hikari that her mother was home from work. Her lavender eyes darted open only to see the far wall, characters frozen in poses suitable for posters. She had fallen asleep in bed. Her heart sank tremondously. For a moment, she thought Riku had found her, that he wasn`t just a figment of her imagination and that she`d finally be free and loved. But it was just a desperate dream of a pathetic girl. 

 

 Ignoring her tears and the blurring room around her, Hikari`s hand slipped under the waistband of her panties after pulling her skirt up. How she wished he were here with her, close to her, inside of her... If only he could be with her and never let go. If only he could be real. She couldn`t even hear her light sobs as her fingers went to work, playing over herself. THe world disappeared as she closed her eyes, her heavy heart fixing on what she wanted, on what was, ultimately, only a dream. 

 

 When her muscles clenched and her body released, her tears had stopped. She was drained and exhausted. Her tears were spent, but nothing was better.