1.1 --- /dev/null	Thu Jan 01 00:00:00 1970 +0000
     1.2 +++ b/old/stories/coldnight.txt	Fri Feb 19 20:53:12 2010 -0500
     1.3 @@ -0,0 +1,140 @@
     1.4 +
     1.5 +          Even in the Cold Night
     1.6 +          Tomoyo shortfic
     1.7 +          by Meimi
     1.8 +ksainttail@aol.com
     1.9 +
    1.10 +          ---------
    1.11 +
    1.12 +              I shut the door to my room softly...I don't like being interrupted when I'm watching my 
    1.13 +          videos.
    1.14 +              What videos, you ask?
    1.15 +              If you know anything about me, that should be obvious.
    1.16 +              But maybe you don't, so I'll just tell you.
    1.17 +              They're not any kind of movie title you can buy in a store...though I watch as many of 
    1.18 +          those as the next girl. But these are much more special. These are things I treasure; I always 
    1.19 +          know I'll smile when the screen flickers to life out of the darkness...
    1.20 +              Because they're of the person I love.
    1.21 +              Hm? Who? Not a movie star, no.
    1.22 +              Sorry. It's a secret.
    1.23 +              Too much of a secret for even my own good...because even she doesn't know; doesn't 
    1.24 +          realize.
    1.25 +
    1.26 +          ---
    1.27 +          ne, does everyone become this lonely when they fall in love?
    1.28 +          ---
    1.29 +
    1.30 +              It's funny that way, isn't it? How I record her every movement on videotape...so I can 
    1.31 +          take it home with me, and relive every second I'm with her. I can push pause, and just watch her 
    1.32 +          smiling face...forever. A moment in her life is an eternity for me. And just with this, I'm 
    1.33 +          content.
    1.34 +              So...isn't it funny, how while my eyes never leave her face...never wanting to waste a 
    1.35 +          second with her...and how I notice every detail...
    1.36 +              And yet she never figures it out?
    1.37 +              Un. I love her.
    1.38 +              But she'll never know.
    1.39 +
    1.40 +          --
    1.41 +          ne, even more than the black darkness, does deep pain embrace you?
    1.42 +          --
    1.43 +
    1.44 +              A slight smile tugs at my lips as I toy with a strand of my hair...the hair grown out 
    1.45 +          long like my mother wanted...
    1.46 +              My mother was in love too, once. Ever since she was young...
    1.47 +          But her heart was slowly, slowly broken over the years. Slowly shattering as she sank into 
    1.48 +          jealousy.
    1.49 +              She couldn't stand watching her loved one be happy with someone else.
    1.50 +
    1.51 +          --
    1.52 +          all of it was only for our sake, so that we could shine, i'm certain
    1.53 +          --
    1.54 +
    1.55 +              ...my mother's become bitter about it over the years. I look at her, seeing how she 
    1.56 +          hasn't moved on at all after Nadeshiko-san's death, and I can feel my heart aching. Each time I 
    1.57 +          notice that faraway look in her eyes...her gaze shifting to that chest where a bouquet is locked 
    1.58 +          away...the flowers dried and dead.
    1.59 +          Like my mother. Those flowers...they're where my mother's life stopped, when she pushed 
    1.60 +          pause.
    1.61 +              Ever since I can remember, I've grown up watching my mother thinking of "what-if"s over 
    1.62 +          all these years. She won't allow herself to forgive, to forget...and she still says angrily that 
    1.63 +          Nadeshiko-san was stolen away, still glares at Fujitaka-san with eyes like ice.
    1.64 +              But she doesn't understand. Nadeshiko-san was happy, really happy because she fell in 
    1.65 +          love.
    1.66 +              I love my mother so much.
    1.67 +              But she was so selfish.
    1.68 +              And somethimes, it makes me wonder, did she ever really, I mean *really*, love 
    1.69 +          Nadeshiko-san at all?
    1.70 +              Because...when I see my loved one's face lighting up with joy...her emerald eyes 
    1.71 +          sparkling...a smile making everyone's day brighter...
    1.72 +
    1.73 +          --
    1.74 +          you, i love you, i'm watching you in my heart
    1.75 +          --
    1.76 +
    1.77 +              It makes my heart fill up with joy in those moments, and I'd do anything at all to keep 
    1.78 +          her smiling forever.
    1.79 +              Even giving her up?
    1.80 +          Of course. I won't let heartache kill me bit by bit. Every time I catch a glimpse of 
    1.81 +          longing in my mother's eyes when she mentions Nadeshiko-san's name...I think to myself, promise 
    1.82 +          myself, that I won't let myself become like her. I'll be so happy for the one I love, my heart 
    1.83 +          will continue overflowing with these feelings always...so that I can always keep an honest smile 
    1.84 +          on my face; never even think of the word "regret".
    1.85 +              Because, ne, she has someone she loves, too.
    1.86 +              Someone she can confide in...someone who knows her...someone who'll be able to 
    1.87 +          understand her feelings as well as me.
    1.88 +
    1.89 +          --
    1.90 +          you, i believe in you, even in the cold night
    1.91 +          --
    1.92 +
    1.93 +              ...maybe she doesn't even know she loves him herself, yet. But I can tell. She trusts 
    1.94 +          him, it's just the way she looks at him. These days, she's ever so slowly moving away from 
    1.95 +          me...going to him with her problems...he's her shoulder to cry on now.
    1.96 +          Not me.
    1.97 +
    1.98 +          --
    1.99 +          with my eyes, i call out to you now
   1.100 +          --
   1.101 +
   1.102 +              And why I don't say this bitterly, in a voice tainted with anger and regret? So cold to 
   1.103 +          the world, because she has Li-kun always...and I only have her smiling face on videotape to 
   1.104 +          console me when I feel heartbroken?
   1.105 +          There are times when I do wonder; why do I always shove them together? Why don't I try to 
   1.106 +          get between them? I could. If I did...I could play make-believe...she could be mine 
   1.107 +          forever...and then...
   1.108 +          ...and then I'd be exactly like my mother was. Always in denial of what was meant to be.
   1.109 +          I won't ruin this.
   1.110 +          I'll watch her quietly from the sidelines- never getting too close, too involved in her 
   1.111 +          love. I won't stand between the two of them.
   1.112 +          Why?
   1.113 +              Because she'll be happy, of course.
   1.114 +
   1.115 +
   1.116 +              "I..." I hesitate for just a moment, looking away. "I want the one I love to be happy, 
   1.117 +          more than to love me in return."
   1.118 +              I turn my gaze back to her...her sweet eyes staring into mine...so full of innocent 
   1.119 +          confusion.
   1.120 +              "...are you saying, you don't even care if the one you love doesn't love you?"
   1.121 +              I shut my eyes, replying softly.
   1.122 +              "Of course, I would be happy if that person returned my love."
   1.123 +              I open them, smiling at her.
   1.124 +              It's not a forced smile, it's genuine and real.
   1.125 +              I can't be bitter, because...
   1.126 +              "Because...the one I love being happy...is the greatest happiness of all."
   1.127 +              She blinks, the thought taking a moment to register for her...she seems completely in 
   1.128 +          the dark.
   1.129 +              But for one moment, I see understanding flickering inside those emerald gems...
   1.130 +              And then it's gone as she smiles at me.
   1.131 +              "...I'm sure, the one Tomoyo-chan loves is really happy."
   1.132 +              I gaze at her...and for a moment, it's just like I've pushed pause on the video; I feel 
   1.133 +          like I could live inside this moment forever...
   1.134 +              And she turns away, and it's gone.
   1.135 +
   1.136 +
   1.137 +              ...I hope you're right, Sakura-chan.
   1.138 +              That you're happy.
   1.139 +
   1.140 +          --
   1.141 +          i don't want your promises
   1.142 +          with my eyes, i reach out to you now
   1.143 +          even in the cold night