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author rlm
date Fri, 19 Feb 2010 20:53:12 -0500
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1 Dear Sakura
2 After the Banquet
3 by Amazoness Duo and G.P.
4 amazonessduo@hotmail.com
5
6
7
8 Tomoyo stood alone for a long moment, looking for all the world like
9 a beautifully dressed up china doll. Her body was tired, sleep
10 tugging at her weary soul with the help of a full stomach. But her
11 mind was still busily going over things. The banquet really had been
12 spectacular. It would have been nice to be closer to Sakura, but she
13 looked very happy next to her husband. If only she had been able to
14 bring her camcorder... Those would have been images she would have
15 enjoyed watching again and again. Not only had Sakura been enjoying
16 herself, something Tomoyo always loved to see, but she had looked
17 simply gorgeous. With a sharp pang, she could remember the last time
18 Sakura had looked so stunning. At her wedding. Tomoyo had taken hours
19 to prepare Sakura for the big day. So she had thrown her all into
20 making sure that Sakura looked perfect for her wedding. The dress had
21 been of her design, the last complete costume she had made for
22 Sakura. Part of her had been overjoyed to be a part of Sakura’s
23 wedding, but the other part had felt like she was giving Sakura away.
24 Like she was stepping away from her life. That Syaoran would now be
25 the one to help the Cardmistress with all of her problems and joys.
26 To protect her and give her the happiness that she never could.
27 During those long hours that she had readied Sakura she had felt like
28 she was saying goodbye. Yet here she was. A soft giggle lit the
29 empty room. She should have known that escaping Sakura wouldn’t be
30 quite so easy. Sakura had infiltrated her heart and soul, filling her
31 thoughts and dreams completely. Everything she did, she did for
32 Sakura. And now... Could she ever say goodbye again? Could she ever
33 completely slip out of Sakura’s life? She had thought that it would
34 be for the best. Sakura didn’t need her, after all, so it seemed less
35 painful for everyone if she faded from Sakura’s life. It was too
36 painful watching it all, knowing that the brunette could never know
37 her heart’s desire. But now, after this visit to Hong Kong, she
38 wasn’t so sure that she could fade from Sakura’s life so completely.
39 She needed Sakura. Like a flower without sunlight, she would die
40 without the warmth her best friend bestowed upon her. And after the
41 miraculous kiss the night before, it seemed that Sakura’s feelings
42 were more entwined with her own than she had thought. She still
43 hadn’t completely understood why Sakura had shared in it as deeply as
44 she had, but Sakura’s love had been unmistakable. What that love
45 meant, Tomoyo wasn’t fully sure of either, but it seemed that she was
46 still important to Sakura. And that knowledge made the idea of
47 leaving Sakura’s life unbearably painful. She felt like a puppet,
48 caught up in the strings Sakura had wrapped tightly around her soul.
49 Everything Sakura did tugged at her, drawing her one way or another,
50 making her dance for the amusement of her audience, always hoping
51 that it would make the brunette happy. And so everything she did was
52 for Sakura, but her smiling doll exterior hid the pain in her heart.
53 For a brief moment, the lavender haired designer considered what
54 Fanren had said. Loneliness consumed her, a constant companion that
55 haunted her every waking moment and often caught her in the midst of
56 even her happiest dreams. For once, it would be so nice not to wake
57 up alone, crying in bed in a haze of lavender curls. Someone to talk
58 to, to hold on to, to be able to share her inner turmoil. The idea
59 was certainly tempting. Sakura would never be hers, of course. So why
60 was she still giving her heart to a married woman that would never
61 know her feelings? Everyone she knew was falling in love, finding
62 their special someone. She had already fallen in love before any of
63 them. But she was denied her special person. So while they were all
64 building their relationships, Tomoyo was very much alone. The
65 beautiful heiress to the Daidouji fortunes, wasting away as she kept
66 her heart locked up and away from view.
67 As Fanren had shown, it wasn’t impossible for her to find someone.
68 A relationship would not be impossible. Besides, with her masks and
69 perception she could easily manage a relationship. And for once she
70 wouldn’t be completely alone. Fanren herself was an extremely pretty
71 woman, and she was very kind. Spending time with her would be
72 infinitely better than being alone. But there was one thing she
73 couldn’t offer the Chinese beauty. Her heart. It didn’t matter if she
74 could manage a relationship or not. Or even if she could find someone
75 to be with. It was that her heart, her soul already belonged to
76 another. She could never love her, or anyone else for that matter,
77 with the same fervor, the same boundless passion that she held for
78 Sakura. The Cardmistress was what made an eternity of loneliness seem
79 livable. The very thought of her sent a surge through Tomoyo’s body,
80 her hands going over her heart as the feeling that she always had
81 when she was around Sakura shot through her. Yes, another
82 relationship would never be anything more than an escape from the
83 loneliness and a need for comfort. Her heart would always belong to
84 Sakura. A small smile crossed the dark haired woman’s lips. If she
85 had to be alone, it was worth it to be in love with her sweet best
86 friend. “Sakura-chan...” she whispered lovingly.
87
88 Watching Tomoyo from the doorway, Sakura found herself entranced by
89 the almost ethereal beauty of her best friend. She really didn’t know
90 how long she had been standing there. Blushing a bit, she realized
91 that she had been staring the entire time. But oddly enough, Tomoyo
92 didn’t seem to notice. The pale woman seemed lost in thought, far
93 away from the dark banquet room in Hong Kong. Some of the thoughts
94 seemed to be troubling her. Sakura wondered if Tomoyo was once again
95 thinking about her special someone. The young designer thought about
96 them often. They had to be an extremely lucky person to be in her
97 thoughts so often.
98 A soft sigh escaped Sakura as she leaned against the door frame.
99 She couldn’t help being a little jealous about Tomoyo’s special
100 person. When they were younger, it seemed that she was the one who
101 was always in Tomoyo’s thoughts. She had been the lead in the play of
102 Tomoyo’s life, always the center of attention to the slightly odd
103 dark haired girl. And it had been very embarrassing at times. But she
104 had enjoyed it immensely, knowing because of that that she was
105 important to her best friend. It had always made her feel good.
106 Special. Loved. She knew that she couldn’t be as important to Tomoyo
107 anymore. After all, she was married herself and knew how important
108 finding one’s love was. But she loved being so important to Tomoyo.
109 Was she being selfish still wanting that? Tomoyo had grown up. Her
110 special person was the most important person to her now. And whoever
111 that person was, they were making Tomoyo sad. Which made the whole
112 thing even worse for Sakura. The brunette had rarely ever seen Tomoyo
113 sad. It was like those stormy blue eyes were always glowing warmly.
114 The thought of Tomoyo being so sad like this left Sakura feeling weak
115 and helpless. There had to be something, anything that she could do.
116 Thinking back on things, it now looked like Tomoyo had planned on
117 being alone from the beginning. That thought sent a chill down
118 Sakura’s spine. How could such a loving, gentle girl like Tomoyo be
119 alone forever? What had been the first clue? When they had bought
120 materials to make teddy bears for someone special. Rika had made one
121 (that she now knew had been for Terrada-sensie) and Tomoyo had
122 explained how you were supposed to make one for the person you like.
123 Sakura had been overjoyed at the prospect and hurried to get the
124 materials. Strangely enough, Tomoyo didn’t buy any to make one for
125 the person she liked. That had surprised Sakura who had thought
126 Tomoyo would finally get to show her special person her feelings for
127 them. But Tomoyo had explained that what she wanted the most was for
128 her love to be happy, even if it wasn’t with her. Sakura hadn’t
129 understood at the time, but Tomoyo was telling her that she couldn’t
130 be with her special person so she couldn’t make them a teddy bear
131 because she didn’t think they could return her feelings. The pale
132 girl had only been ten at the time. Only ten years old. She should
133 have been dreaming about when she would marry her true love, sure
134 that everything would work out in the end. But Tomoyo had always been
135 a little odd, and much of what she did only made sense to Sakura in
136 hindsight. Tomoyo had known back then that she would be all alone.
137 And Sakura hadn’t had a clue. Her heart sank in her chest at the
138 painful realization. Was there anything she could have done? Was
139 there a way she could have helped Tomoyo? It was heartbreaking to see
140 Tomoyo alone after all these years. If the love that she showed
141 Sakura was anything like the love for her special someone, then it
142 must tear Tomoyo apart inside to be without them.
143 Later, when everyone started dating, Chiharu once asked why Tomoyo
144 wasn’t dating anyone. Tomoyo replied that she couldn’t date the
145 person she wanted to so she felt that dating wouldn’t be right. Then
146 she quickly added that it left in more time to videotape Sakura.
147 Sakura had blushed at the time and had brushed it off, but now she
148 felt horrible. Everyone had been so busy trying to balance
149 relationships back then but Tomoyo had always been with her. She had
150 been happy about that, but now she saw that she had been pouring
151 herself into her own relationship right in front of Tomoyo, glad to
152 have Tomoyo there, but not seeing how lonely it must have made her.
153 Now Sakura had a dilemma. More than ever, she wanted to find
154 Tomoyo’s true love and help her with it. It wasn’t right that
155 Tomoyo’s beautiful love be kept locked away. But Tomoyo didn’t want
156 her to find out for some reason. And Sakura wasn’t sure she wanted to
157 know who it was. After that kiss they had shared in the garden, the
158 thought of all of Tomoyo’s love going to another frightened her.
159 Feeling that warmth encompass her, the kiss, the embrace, the gentle
160 immersion in Tomoyo’s love, she didn’t want to let that go. She
161 wanted it all for herself, not to see it all given to someone who
162 couldn't appreciate her lovely best friend.
163 Her emerald eyes shot open when she heard Tomoyo whisper her name.
164 The sound of Tomoyo’s melodious voice quickly brought her back to her
165 senses. Had Tomoyo seen her? A blush crept across her cheeks. She had
166 just been standing there and staring for a while now. No, it looked
167 like Tomoyo had just said it. But why? Maybe she wasn’t thinking
168 about her special someone at the moment. Stepping forward, Sakura
169 smiled. “You look so gorgeous, Tomoyo-chan! Syaoran’s sisters really
170 did a great job. Not that you aren’t always pretty. You’re probably
171 the most beautiful woman I know,” the brunette said quickly.
172 Tomoyo smiled giddily as she saw the object of her thoughts
173 approaching. “Sakura-chan must not look in mirrors very often,” she
174 stated softly. She delighted in the blush it brought upon Sakura. No,
175 there was no way she could truly love anyone besides the woman in
176 front of her. But she wouldn’t have it any other way. To love Sakura
177 was both the most wonderful feeling in the world and also the most
178 painful. She had thought the pain would lessen as she grew older, but
179 the loneliness only became more acute as time went by, her longing
180 for Sakura growing stronger by the day. And now she had actually
181 kissed Sakura. It had been Tomoyo’s first real kiss. That intimate
182 moment with the Cardmistress had thrown off everything she had been
183 sure about. Her visit to Hong Kong was supposed to help her distance
184 herself from Sakura so she could fade away from her life. Now she
185 felt even more attached. She had come with the intention of hiding
186 her feelings for Sakura now that she was married, but they had burst
187 forward in a torrential outpouring. She had been drowning without
188 Sakura. She needed her just as surely as she needed air. Living
189 without her was becoming more and more difficult. That all too brief
190 moment with Sakura had been a tantalizing piece of Heaven.
191 Giggling slightly, Sakura brushed some hair back from her shimmering
192 jade eyes. “Most people save that sort of thing for the banquet,
193 Tomoyo-chan.”
194 “But if it’s equally true during the banquet and after, I should be
195 sure to let Sakura-chan know,” Tomoyo pointed out. It took every
196 ounce of her remaining strength to stand still as Sakura took both of
197 her hands in her own. For a moment’s time, Tomoyo wondered feverishly
198 if Sakura was going to kiss her again. Sakura was very close to her.
199 The pale woman’s heart stopped in her chest as eternity seemed to
200 stretch on endlessly before her. She ultimately dismissed the thought
201 as wishful thinking. She had been lucky that Sakura hadn’t acted
202 adversely to the first kiss. The fact that Sakura kissed back with
203 nearly the same passion in Tomoyo’s heart made the event one she
204 would both treasure and try to understand. Why had Sakura given so
205 freely of herself? Why had she kissed back so lovingly? Perhaps she
206 had misjudged how important she was to Sakura. If Sakura’s letters
207 were any indication, the brunette missed her greatly. So was the kiss
208 merely Sakura returning it with all of the love she held for her best
209 friend and nothing more? But there had been so much behind the kiss.
210 The entire thing sent Tomoyo’s head spinning. Sakura still didn’t
211 seem to know that she was the object of Tomoyo’s affections, so she
212 must not have understood completely why the toy designer had kissed
213 her in the first place. Tomoyo understood Sakura better than anyone
214 else did, but this was confusing her. She didn’t know how to act
215 about it or what masks she should wear. If she could manage the
216 strength to wear any at all.
217 Sakura watched Tomoyo intently. Was the pale woman shivering? It was
218 hard to tell in the dark. Squeezing Tomoyo’s soft, ivory hands
219 gently, Sakura asked, “Tomoyo-chan, are you cold? Maybe we should go
220 get you a blanket or something.”
221 “No, I’m not cold at all. I feel very warm being here with you,
222 Sakura-chan. You’re the bright, shining sun that lights up my world,”
223 Tomoyo explained, her soft voice barely above a whisper. She brought
224 her hands up, Sakura’s hands still holding onto them as she rested
225 them on Sakura’s cheeks. She could feel the hot blush under the
226 brunette’s cheeks and the soft feel of her skin. Tomoyo sighed
227 happily, meeting Sakura’s eyes with her stormy blue ones. Yes, it was
228 certainly nice to be with Sakura again, even if Sakura was married
229 now. She was happy just to be there with her best friend.
230 “Tomoyo-chan...” Sakura said quietly, unsure of what to say. Her
231 heart was pounding in her chest like a drum, her feelings swirling
232 inside her like a tornado. Why couldn’t there be some way for her to
233 make Tomoyo happy? Tomoyo said she was happy as long as her special
234 someone was happy, but there had to be some way to make Tomoyo happy
235 herself. If she were the boy that Tomoyo loved, she would never be
236 able to leave her all alone. She would be overjoyed to be the focus
237 of all the love in Tomoyo’s heart. The chiming of an old grandfather
238 clock nearby rang a reminder through her head. “Oh! I need to call
239 one of the girls from the cheerleading club. I promised I would give
240 her mother some information about it tonight.”
241 Nodding, Tomoyo smiled sweetly at Sakura as her hands slowly trailed
242 away from the brunette’s cheeks. “All right, Sakura-chan. Those girls
243 are all very lucky to have you as their sensei. You were always so
244 cute when you were cheerleading. I loved to watch you when I didn’t
245 have choir practice. They’ll all look so kawaii training with you.”
246 “Arigato, Tomoyo-chan. You always say such nice things. I’m really
247 sorry for leaving like this. I’ll try not to take too long. I don’t
248 want to waste any of the time we have together,” Sakura said
249 hurriedly as she walked backwards towards the door. The two said
250 goodbye before Sakura made her way back to her room.
251
252 Tomoyo looked up at the stars sparkling in the sky above, like
253 sparkling pearls resting on a huge velvet cloth. Yet for all of their
254 beauty, they paled in comparison to her spirited best friend. Her
255 thoughts kept returning to Sakura as she walked out in the garden
256 under the moonlight. Thoughts of the night before continued to course
257 through her, the sweet scent of Sakura and the warm feel of her lips
258 lingering like a ghost in her mind. That sent another smile across
259 her lips. She didn’t know if she should thank Touya or not for
260 frightening Sakura about ghosts. She always loved how Sakura would
261 grab onto her for comfort when she was scared of ghosts. These days
262 she must do that with Syaoran.
263 Thinking about Syaoran made her feel a little uneasy. Not because of
264 him. She had grown used to him long ago. And she had chosen him as
265 the one Sakura’s heart must belong to. But now she was starting to
266 wonder about that, as well as Ieran’s words. Could it be that she had
267 been wrong? Had she misjudged Sakura’s heart? She had taken into
268 account that Syaoran had liked Sakura very much and that he would be
269 able to take care of her and give her a child. And she seemed rather
270 close to him. But had she made a terrible mistake? Syaoran always had
271 difficulty with his emotions and that made things difficult with
272 Sakura, who was a very emotional woman. She had been surprised to
273 hear that Sakura had to leave to talk to one of the girls from school
274 and not to go be with Syaoran. He hadn’t been around very much during
275 her visit, but whether that was normal or because he didn’t want to
276 get in the way during the trip, she wasn’t quite sure. And the kiss...
277 The sounds of heavy breathing up ahead grabbed Tomoyo’s attention.
278 Stepping forward past a tree, she spotted a Chinese woman around her
279 age, still dressed in her beautiful dress as her legs whipped through
280 the air as if fending off invisible attackers. “Hello, Meiling-chan,”
281 she said pleasantly as she approached the black haired woman. Tomoyo
282 could tell that the night's festivities had not sat well with her.
283 Meiling looked rather upset, probably at seeing Syaoran and his new
284 bride again. She knew how painful that could be. She and Meiling had
285 been in the same boat, pouring out their heart to the one they loved
286 but unable to have them. Of course, Meiling had taken a much more
287 aggressive route than she had. And she had known that she couldn’t
288 have Sakura for a very long time. It wasn’t until after Sakura had
289 captured all of the Clow Cards that she realized she wouldn’t be the
290 one to make Sakura happy. Meiling didn’t seem to realize that, at
291 least not consciously.
292 “Why do you put up with it?” Meiling asked, her leg sweeping through
293 the shadows. The slit in her long dress shifted again as she kicked
294 out. She was still upset about the dinner. She had been Syaoran’s
295 fiancee for years, always by his side when he needed her, there to
296 love him always. And then he ran off with some girl he met in Japan.
297 She had not wanted to come tonight at all. Were they trying to rub it
298 in her face? The only reason she had come was because Ieran told her
299 to personally. Otherwise she was sure she could find something better
300 to do than to spend all night watching Syaoran and his bride. Just
301 about anything. “I mean, all this time you’ve loved her and now she’s
302 married to my Syaoran and you’re still all smiles and warmth to her.
303 I don’t get it. If you loved her back then, then why are you
304 pretending like it’s no big deal?”
305 “I still love her. I always will. I’m sorry about Li-kun, but I just
306 want Sakura to be happy. Now that she’s married and starting a new
307 life, I want her to know that I still care for her. I don’t want her
308 to have to worry about how the marriage affected me or how I feel
309 about her.” Tomoyo sighed as she steadied herself against a tree.
310 “Besides, I can’t be angry with her. Or with him. As long as he takes
311 care of Sakura, then I’m glad that they got married. Sakura deserves
312 a happy marriage.”
313 Meiling finally stopped her assault on the shadows, trying to catch
314 her breath. She shook her head, clenching her fists. “But she hurt
315 you. She ran off with some boy from Hong Kong. Leaving you all alone.
316 How can you sit back and take it? I can’t believe Syaoran did it. He
317 promised me...” Her amber eyes closed for a moment as she tried to
318 calm down. She was not going to cry in front of Tomoyo. Today was bad
319 enough without breaking down in the garden. Indulging her anger a
320 bit, she found it easier to push the tears away. “Why is it all right
321 for them to be happy when neither of us can be? Did things really
322 work out the right way? I loved Syaoran so much and you loved Sakura
323 and now we’re both left alone like discarded playthings. It feels
324 like things worked out the wrong way. Why did we both have to get
325 hurt in the end? Why couldn't we all be happy with the ones we love?”
326 The garden was silent for a full minute. The pale heiress didn’t
327 have an answer to Meiling’s question. There had been times when she
328 was all alone that she found herself asking it to the sky above.
329 There was never an answer. “I don’t know,” she said at last. Fate had
330 done a pretty painful job of patching things up, leaving too many
331 loose ends that refused to heal. She and Meiling seemed to be two
332 more casualties in Fate’s work.
333 Sighing, Meiling toyed with a large bracelet she had on. “Neither
334 do I. I still don’t see how you can be happy for the both of them.
335 I’m still pissed about the whole thing. I really did love him,
336 Tomoyo. I can’t believe that he’d do this to me. Sakura didn’t know
337 how you felt, but I made sure Syaoran knew everyday just how I felt
338 about him. And he still went through with it. It’s not right that we
339 both got left behind like this.” She smiled a little in the dark,
340 pushing a pigtail over her shoulder. “I wish you had gotten Sakura.
341 Then neither of us would be in this mess.”
342 Returning the smile, Tomoyo hugged herself as the cold began to
343 settle into her pale body. Meiling was suffering through the same
344 pain she was, but like always, she was handling it differently.
345 Almost like her mother. She smiled more at the thought. Of course,
346 her mother never could have been angry at Nadeshiko. “Sometimes I
347 wish I could have, too. Thank you, Meiling-chan. I’m very sorry about
348 how everything turned out.”
349 “Me too,” Meiling answered, looking out across the garden. Her eyes
350 darted around the dimly lit area when she heard someone running
351 towards them. It was Sakura, hurrying along. She crossed her arms and
352 frowned.
353 “Tomoyo-chan! There you are! I finally finished. I was wondering
354 where you had gone off to. Oh, hello, Meiling-chan!” Sakura smiled
355 politely as she reached the two dark haired women. From the distance,
356 Sakura hadn’t been quite sure which was which. She had almost thought
357 that Mirror had gone off as Tomoyo.
358 “Hello, Sakura-chan,” Tomoyo said happily, smiling at the young
359 bride. “I wanted to come back and take a walk in the garden. It looks
360 like Meiling-chan had similar ideas.”
361 Meiling brushed past Sakura as she headed for the door. “I really
362 must be going. I should get home before it gets too late. I have some
363 things I need to do tomorrow. Goodbye, Tomoyo! Enjoy your visit!”
364 With that, she disappeared inside the house, leaving Sakura blinking
365 after her.
366 Watching the bewildered look on Sakura’s face, Tomoyo let out a sad
367 sigh. She could understand Meiling’s pain and her anger, but she
368 could never be angry at Sakura. Taking one of Sakura’s hands, she
369 quickly smiled again. “Please don’t worry about it, Sakura-chan.
370 Meiling-chan is in a lot of pain and she doesn’t know what to do
371 about it.”
372 Sakura nodded slowly. Meiling hadn’t been very pleased with her at
373 all during her stay in Hong Kong. But Tomoyo was right. There was no
374 reason to worry about it. “I’m glad I found you. I was wondering
375 where you were.”
376 “I’ll always be there if you know where to look, Sakura-chan. Even
377 if it doesn’t seem like I am.” Tomoyo’s smile disappeared for a
378 moment, her voice sounding earnest. A cloud seemed to pass over her
379 stormy blue eyes for a moment before it faded away to be replaced
380 with her nearly ever present smile.
381 Standing with Tomoyo in the dark, Sakura felt her fingers
382 intertwine with the toy designer’s. Tomoyo’s pale skin seemed to
383 shine in the luster of the moonlight. “I found some photos you might
384 like for your photo album, Tomoyo-chan.”
385 Tomoyo smiled again happily. “I would love that, Sakura-chan. They
386 are little frozen moments in Sakura-chan’s life that I can flip
387 through whenever I want to see her again.”
388 “Oh good! I hope you like them. Syaoran-chan and I were going to
389 make an album ourselves some time, but we haven’t gotten around to
390 it. I’d be happier if you had the pictures instead of them going to
391 waste.” Squeezing Tomoyo’s hand, she led her best friend back inside.
392