moonlitnights: old/stories/ccsnewlyweds.txt comparison

comparison old/stories/ccsnewlyweds.txt @ 2:fc00894c1d4a moonlitnights

[svn r3] moved all the bad stuff to 'old'

author	rlm
date	Fri, 19 Feb 2010 20:53:12 -0500
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-:dbe144217c71
+:fc00894c1d4a
+Kero-chan's Newlywed Game
+As transcribed by Yukito no Miko
+------------------------------------------------------
+Don't look for continuity, plot, or other things of
+that nature. Yes, I know the Newlywed Game is
+supposed to have four couples. I didn't feel like
+adding a fourth.
+All things Sakura belong to CLAMP and Kodansha,
+though eventually they'll belong to the demon Mixx as
+well. Don't expect me to give them any credit.
+Bastards.
+------------------------------------------------------
+Kero-chan: Konyanyachiwa!! This is a very special
+Kero-chan ni omakase no corner!! We're going to play
+Kero-chan's Newlywed Game, a very fun game invented
+by me, Cerberus! Of course, since I invented it, it'd
+have to be fun, right? I'm so cool! Now, let's meet
+our contestants!! Couple number one, come on down!
+Yukito: Are? I thought the term was "Go down..."
+Touya: *o_o*
+*Yukito and Touya sit down*
+Kero-chan: o_o;; Err. . . thank you, couple number
+one. Couple number two, come join us!
+*Sakura and Tomoyo come out and sit down, amidst
+cheers from the yuri fangirls and boys and screams of
+horror from the Sakura/Syaoran fans. Tomoyo pulls out
+a video camera and starts recording*
+All: ^_^;;
+Sakura: Tomoyo-chan... this is already being recorded
+by the TV cameras...
+Tomoyo: I know, but they might focus on someone other
+than Sakura-chan! ^_^
+Sakura: ^.^;;
+Kero-chan: Right! Let's put that aside! Couple number
+three, join us!
+Syaoran: We are not a couple!!!
+Eriol: Come on, koibito. ^_^
+Syaoran: I am not your koibito! Let go of me!
+*Eriol drags Syaoran to the third set of chairs and
+ties Syaoran to one of them, then cheerfully sits in
+the last chair*
+Syaoran: Rai tei shou rai kyuu kyuu nyo ritsu ryo RAI
+GEKI!! *lightning travels from his sword to the
+chair, frying the ropes. Unfortunately, it also fries
+Syaoran. Eriol takes the opportunity to re-tie him.*
+Eriol: If you don't wake up, we can't win the contest
+for the most loving newlyweds! ^_^
+Syaoran: We're not married!!
+Eriol: Of course we are, anata! ^_^
+Syaoran: We're not, we're not!!
+Eriol: Not even for the grand prize? ^_^
+Syaoran: NO!!
+Sakura: Ne, Kero-chan, what is the grand prize?
+Kero-chan: An all-expense paid trip to China!
+Syaoran: *freezes* You mean... I could finally find
+the Spring of Drowned Boy and end this terrible
+curse?!
+All: O_o;;;;
+Syaoran: Never mind... >_> <_<
+Kero-chan: Err. . . right! Let's put that aside!
+First question is for the men!
+*silence*
+Kero-chan: *pause* Hmm. . . I guess that's a bit of a
+problem, isn't it? Okay! People on the left are the
+wives!
+Eriol: I guess that's you, itoshii. ^_^
+Syaoran: We're not married!!
+Yukito: Does this mean you're going to wear a dress
+for me, To-ya? ^_^
+Touya: . . . . . maybe later. . . . . .
+Kero-chan: . . . Okay! First question! "What is your
+wife's biggest turn-on?" Couple number one, you can
+start us out!
+Yukito: Oh, that's easy! It's when I wear my bunny
+suit! ^_^
+Kero-chan: Wife number one?
+*Touya holds up sign that says, "When Yuki wears his
+bunny suit."*
+Kero-chan: Good job! Couple number one has one point!
+Couple number two?
+Sakura: Umm... recording us--
+Kero-chan: That's enough of an answer!! Wife number
+two?
+*Tomoyo holds up a sign that says, "When Sakura-chan
+wears my costumes." Sakura looks crestfallen*
+Kero-chan: Oh, that's too bad! But we still have lots
+of questions to go, so don't lose hope yet! Couple
+number three, what turns your wife on the most?
+Eriol: Feathers. ^_^
+Kero-chan: Wife number three?
+*Syaoran holds up a sign that says, "I'm not his
+wife. (feathers)"*
+Kero-chan: Good job! Next question! "Which of
+Sakura's battle costumes is cutest?"
+Yukito: Her whats?
+*Touya holds up sign: "Her whats?"*
+Kero-chan: I guess that counts. . . Couple number one
+has two points! Couple number two?
+Sakura: All of them.
+*Tomoyo holds up a sign that reads, "All of them are
+cute when Sakura-chan wears them!"*
+All: ^_^;;
+Kero-chan: I guess couple number two has one point!
+But doesn't anyone think my costumes are the cutest?
+Couple number three, what's your answer?
+Eriol: If I say your costumes, will we get an extra
+point? ^_^
+Kero-chan: Yes.
+Sakura: Kero-chan, that's not fair!!
+Kero-chan: Yeah, well that's why it's my show and not
+yours. Couple number three?
+Eriol: Kero-chan's costumes. ^_^
+*Syaoran holds up a sign that says, "The rubber kitty
+suit"*
+Kero-chan: Well, you got it wrong but you get a point
+anyways! Good job!
+Eriol: *smirk* ^_^
+Sakura: *scowl*
+Kero-chan: Going onto question three, couple number
+one has two points, couple number two has one point,
+and couple number three has two points! Question
+three is "I like a girl who has a sense of humor.
+Tell me your favorite joke."
+*silence*
+Kero-chan: Oops! Wrong questions!! Hahahahaha. . .
+*throws cards backstage* The real question number
+three is around here somewhere. . .
+*Spinel hands him a set of cards*
+Kero-chan: Thanks! Okay, question number three: "I'm
+a fool and I consort with goat--" HEY!! These aren't
+the questions!!
+Suppi: *smirk*
+*Kero-chan digs around backstage and finally comes up
+with some questions, hopefully the right ones*
+Kero-chan: Okay! I think these are the right ones!
+"If your wife was an alarm clock, how would she wake
+you up?" Couple number one?
+Yukito: I'm not sure that I want to say it on
+television...
+Kero-chan: You have to or you don't get the point.
+*Yukito walks over to Kero-chan and the panel of
+judges and starts whispering to them. Time passes.
+More time passes. Nakuru, the backstage crew, falls
+asleep*
+Kero-chan: Okay, that's enough. **O_O** Wife number
+one, what did you put?
+*Touya hands him a thick stack of paper*
+Kero-chan: What the. . . this is the Starr report!
+Touya: Stapled underneath is the kama sutra.
+Kero-chan: ***O_O***
+Kero-chan: Ahem. Judges, will we accept those
+answers?
+Terada-sensei: Yeah, I guess so.
+Kero-chan: What about the other judges?
+*no answer. Sonomi is still taking notes and Fujitaka
+has his hands over his ears*
+Fujitaka: You're talking about my SON!!
+Kero-chan: *sweatdrop* I guess we'll count it, then.
+. . Couple number two?
+Sakura: She'd let me sleep and record it.
+Kero-chan: I'm afraid that's not a valid answer.
+Tomoyo: But that's what I put. . . *holds up sign
+that says, "Let Sakura-chan rest and record her
+sleeping face"*
+All: ^_^;;
+Kero-chan: Judges?
+*the judges confer, with Sonomi doing most of the
+talking*
+Terada-sensei: She's--
+Sonomi: WE've.
+Terada-sensei: We've decided to accept that answer.
+Sonomi: Good. Couple number three?
+Kero-chan: Hey, I'm supposed to say that! Couple
+number three?
+Eriol: If he found me sleeping he'd take the
+opportunity to try and kill me. ^_^
+Kero-chan: Maybe he's not as dumb as I thought. Well,
+kid? How would you wake him up?
+*Syaoran holds up a sign that says, "With a mallet"*
+Kero-chan: We'll accept that answer because I like
+it. Round two after these commercial messages!
+*silence*
+Kero-chan: Nakuru! Run the commercials!
+Nakuru: *wakes up* Hmm?
+Kero-chan: The commercials, the commercials!!
+Nakuru: Oh, right!! ^_^
+Kero-chan: -_-;;
+*fade to commercial*
+<eyecatch>
+********************
+Kaho: Hello. Have you been feeling down? Like you
+don't know where your life is going?
+Yamazaki: *dramatically* How did you know?!
+Kaho: I know everything. Which is why you should call
+Kaho's Psychic Hotline. We'll tell you your destiny
+in convoluted half-truths that you'll later convince
+yourself were useful predictions and not a waste of
+399 yen a minute.
+Yue: Kaho told me that my destiny would soon come to
+an impasse. I realize now that she was talking about
+Yukito getting mad when I got with Touya.
+Ruby Moon: Kaho told me that the inner battle between
+the ying and yang of masculinity and femininity
+causes an imbalance in the psyche. Boy, was she
+right!
+Kaho: So call today, and spend hours trying to puzzle
+out your destiny!
+1-800-ASK-KAHO
+Yamazaki: *even more dramatically* How DOES she DO
+it?!
+********************
+*a blond girl in jeans and a t-shirt with "YnM"
+emblazoned across the chest comes out. Needless to
+say, it's YnM in her one and probably only
+self-insertation ever.*
+YnM: Hello, everyone. I just wanted to say support me
+in my hostile takeover of the universe. YnM for
+empress. Yay.
+*walks off*
+Tamahome: I support her!
+Duo: That's because she paid you, dude.
+*fade out*
+<eyecatch>
+Kero-chan: Konyanyachiwa!! Have you been brushing
+your teeth? Good! If you haven't your parents might
+not let you keep watching the hit new show,
+Kero-chan's Newlywed Game! We're back with out three
+couples! Now it's time for the wives to answer the
+questions. Our first question is, "What is the
+strangest place you have ever--" *turns red* Who
+worded this?
+*Nakuru waves*
+Kero-chan: -_-;; "What is the strangest place you
+have ever *mumbles*
+Sakura: I didn't even know that was a term for it...
+Tomoyo: I did.
+All: ^_^;;
+Kero-chan: o_o; Husband number one, what do you think
+wife number one put?
+Touya: *thinks* In King Penguin?
+Kero-chan: >_< Now that that image is in our heads,
+what did wife number one put?
+*Yukito holds up a sign that says, "In the meat
+freezer at the supermarket." Everyone who had meat in
+the previous month starts gagging*
+Yukito: I thought we weren't going to tell anyone
+about King Penguin, To-ya...
+Touya: We weren't going to tell anyone about the
+freezer thing either.
+Yukito: Oops... but at least neither of us mentioned
+the--
+2  *Touya claps a hand over his mouth. Yukito bites him*  6
+Touya: Ow! Don't do that!
+Yukito: You started it...
+Touya: I want you to touch me gently...
+Yukito: Later, when we're alone.
+*rose petals blow across the stage*
+All: o_O;;
+Kero-chan: Moving onto couple number two... as
+quickly as possible...
+Tomoyo: Hoeeeee...
+Kero-chan: What?
+Tomoyo: That's what Sakura-chan put.
+*Sakura holds up a sign that simply says, "HOEEEEE!"
+and has a drawing of a furiously blushing Sakura*
+Kero-chan: Judges, will we accept that answer?
+*Sonomi and Terada-sensei confer. Fujitaka's still
+covering his ears*
+Terada-sensei: She says we should.
+Kero-chan: Next time I want unbiased judges...
+Sonomi: I'm not biased.
+Kero-chan: Err... of course not. Let's put that
+aside. Couple number three, dare I ask?
+Syaoran: *slightly green* We NEVER [censored]!!!
+Nakuru: Wow, even I didn't know that was a term for
+it.
+Tomoyo: I did.
+All: o_o;
+*Eriol holds up his "He'll deny our many nights of
+passion. ^_^" sign*
+Sakura: Eriol-kun, you're really good! I bet you make
+your wife very happy!
+Syaoran: I'm not his wife!!
+Kero-chan: -_-;; Let's move on to the next question,
+shall we? This one's multiple choice, so we don't
+have to worry about inappropriate answers. "How would
+you describe your honeymoon: Relaxing, Exciting, or
+Boring?"
+Audience: Ooooooooo...
+Kero-chan: Couple number one, start us off.
+Touya: Relaxing.
+*Yukito's sign: "Relaxing. Very"*
+Kero-chan: *breaths a sigh of relief* Thanks for not
+elaborat--
+Yukito: After all, we didn't leave bed all week...
+Kero-chan: Too much information!
+Touya: We realized the dangers of the hot tub pretty
+quickly...
+Kero-chan: *attempts to cover ears* Ack!
+*Touya and Yukito shrug*
+Kero-chan: Next! Next!
+Tomoyo: Exciting.
+*Sakura holds up a sign with "Exciting" written in
+big letters*
+Kero-chan: Moving on before you try and explain your
+answer...
+Sakura: *blushes* It's not like THAT! We traveled
+around and ate lots of oishii cakes and things.
+Kero-chan: Ack! Too much-- *pause* I guess that's
+okay... *pause again* Without me?! ;_;
+Sakura: We weren't going to tell you about it...
+Kero-chan: Couple number three! Please end this
+question!
+Syaoran: We had no honeymoon because WE'RE NOT
+MARRIED!!!!
+Eriol holds up his sign, which says, "He'll deny the
+very existence of our honeymoon, including the nights
+of endless pleasure we spent, sweaty bodies
+intertwined--" and brakes off where he ran out of
+room to write*
+*Syaoran turns bright green and rushes for the
+bathroom. After having lost the better part of his
+lunch, he returns and sits back down*
+Sakura: Syaoran-kun, why didn't you take that
+opportunity to escape?
+Syaoran: O_O! <--- didn't think of it
+*Eriol, by this time, has re-tied him*
+Syaoran: >:/
+Eriol: There, there, muffin. They know you just don't
+want to leave my side.
+Sakura: Yeah, that'd be a good reason.
+Syaoran: But... but...
+Eriol: Why else would I risk untiing him so he could
+deal with his morning sickness?
+Syaoran: Wha...?
+Tomoyo: *claps hands* Syaoran-kun will make a
+wonderful mother!
+Syaoran: I'M NOT PREGNANT!!
+Eriol: If it's a boy we'll name him Clow.
+Syaoran: AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! *passes
+out*
+Eriol: *pats his hand* There, there, love. *to
+others* His constitution is a bit frail. Please, feel
+free to move onto the next question.
+Kero-chan: Thanks. Final question: *pause* *shudder*
+"What bedroom fantasy have you acted out that should
+have remained a fantasy?" ...couple number one,
+please answer as briefly and undescriptively as
+possible.
+Touya: Well, there was this one time when Yuki wanted
+to try it while skydiving-- wait, I want to change my
+answer. When we tried it underwater. He almost
+drowned and there were all these fish staring at
+us...
+Kero-chan: *begins twitching* No more... no more...
+Yukito: They're your questions. *holds up sign that
+says simply, "Star Wars"*
+Touya: That wasn't THAT bad, was it?
+Yukito: Oh, it was FINE for you. YOU didn't have to
+be Leia.
+Touya: Gomen ne, Yuki. I didn't know. *clasps
+Yukito's hand*
+Yukito: *big dewey eyes* To-ya...
+*they start necking*
+Audience: Wooooooooooooooooooo!!
+Kero-chan: Not on the air! Not on the air! This is
+network television!! Couple number two, at least get
+the cameras off them!
+Tomoyo: Well, one time we used the Clow Cards to--
+Kero-chan: I think that's enough of an answer.
+Sakura?
+*Sakura holds up a sign that says "Clow Cards" on it*
+Kero-chan: Good job, couple number two. That puts you
+up to five points. Couple number one has four points,
+and couple number three has five or six points,
+depending on whether or not they get this one right.
+Couple number three?
+Syaoran: *slowly regaining consciousness* Bedroom
+fantasies my @$$!!
+Eriol: Careful, darling. They say babies can hear
+what you say even before they're born. We don't want
+our bundle of joy to grow up with a potty mouth. ^_^
+Syaoran: WHAT bundle of joy?!
+Kero-chan: Hey, husband number three! Sign!
+*Eriol holds up his sign, which quoth, "He'll be too
+embarrassed about how he looked as a meter maid even
+to mention it. ^_^"*
+Kero-chan: Judges?
+Fujitaka: I get to decide since I listened to this
+one!
+*the other judges shrug*
+Fujitaka: Okay... it counts.
+*silence*
+Fujitaka: I don't get applause?
+All: -_-;;
+Kero-chan: Now, since that's resolved... Going into
+the bonus round, couple three is in the lead,
+followed by couple two and couple one. The bonus
+question is worth five points, so any of our
+contestants could win. The bonus question is: "If
+your husband had to sum up your sex drive in one
+word, it would be [blank]" *pause* Oh, I can't WAIT
+to hear these answers. *wince*
+Touya: Slow.
+Kero-chan: You expect me to believe that after what
+I've heard today?
+Touya: Well, compared to his...
+*Yukito holds up a sign that says, "Well, it is kind
+of slow...", which isn't really one word. Did
+everyone catch that? Good! The judges didn't, and
+they got a point anyways*
+Kero-chan: Couple number one is now in the lead with
+9 points, though that's not conclusive in the least,
+since no one else has answered the bonus question.
+Couple number two, your move.
+Tomoyo: Creative!
+*Sakura holds up her sign: "Kinky"*
+Kero-chan: Judges?
+*brief but amusing judge conference, which includes
+Sonomi jumping on the table and demanding justice*
+Kero-chan: Have you reached a decision?
+Terada-sensei: We'll accept it. *cowers under
+Sonomi's glare*
+Kero-chan: Okay! Couple number two is now in first
+place! Couple number three, final question, final
+answer. How would your husband sum up your sex drive?
+Syaoran: When it comes to him, non-existent.
+*Eriol holds up his sign: "Since he's embarrassed
+about the fact that he likes to [censored] like
+bunnies...*
+Nakuru: Oooh, more new vocabulary! *writes down*
+Yukito: Is that a personal remark?
+*"...he'll pretend that he's as innocent as a
+schoolgirl"*
+*Everyone looks at Terada-sensei*
+Terada-sensei: *o_o* Schoolgirl! Right! Innocent!
+*cough cough* That's what he said, all right! That
+answer counts! Moving on, moving on!!
+Kero-chan: Then, I guess couple number three wins.
+Congratulations, kid, you're going to a fabulous
+second honeymoon in China!
+Syaoran: But I LIVE in China! How is that a vacation?
+Announcer (Yamazaki-kun): You've won an all-expense
+paid trip to the beauuuuuutiful land of China, where
+you'll enjoy--
+Syaoran: Who says I'll enjoy it?!
+Yamazaki-kun: The announcement.
+Syaoran: Why should I believe it?
+Yamazaki-kun: Because it was written by Kaho's
+Psychic Hotline.
+Syaoran: Really?
+Yamazaki-kun: Of course! Would I lie to you?
+Syaoran: Then. . . I guess. . . I should go? *looks
+disgusted*
+Yamazaki-kun: Of course! Kaho's Psychic Hotline is
+never wrong! You know, psychic hotlines were first
+invented in ancient Greece, when too many people
+wanted to use the Oracle.
+Syaoran: Really?
+Chiharu-chan: *twitch twitch* Hey. . .
+Yamazaki-kun: Time to go! *runs away, followed
+closely by Chiharu-chan*
+Chiharu-chan: Get back here, you!...
+Syaoran: I don't know about this...
+Eriol: Come on, dear. The vacation will relive
+stress, and everyone knows future mothers should
+avoid stress.
+Syaoran: *grumbles*
+*Eriol drags him offstage to go catch their plane.
+Touya and Yukito are still sucking face. Nakuru
+throws a blanket over them. Tomoyo is videotaping
+Sakura*
+Tomoyo: Your sad face is kawaii too!
+Sakura: ^.^;;
+Kero-chan: Well, it seems we ended a little earlier
+than expected. But that's okay, because--
+Meiling: I'll be singing for you! Everyone agrees
+that I have the best singing voice!
+Kero-chan: That wasn't quite--
+Meiling: *sings* ~David Duchovny, why won't you love
+me~
+Kero-chan: Just roll next week's previews.
+~~Next time on Kero-chan's Newlywed Game~~
+Kero-chan: "If you didn't exist and your wife had to
+choose one of these people to marry, who would they
+choose?"
+*Dr. J and Relena walk out*
+Duo: *looks nauseated* I think he'd choose Relena...
+Heero: That's the purpose of the self-destruct
+system.
+~~end clip~~
+Meiling: ~I hold it in as best I can / I know I'm
+just another fan~
+Kero-chan: See you next week, everyone! Honana!
+Meiling: ~And I can't wait anymore for him to
+discover me / I've got it bad for David Duchovny!...~
+*fade out*

Mercurial > moonlitnights

comparison old/stories/ccsnewlyweds.txt @ 2:fc00894c1d4a moonlitnights