comparison old/stories/ccsnewlyweds.txt @ 2:fc00894c1d4a moonlitnights

[svn r3] moved all the bad stuff to 'old'
author rlm
date Fri, 19 Feb 2010 20:53:12 -0500
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1 Kero-chan's Newlywed Game
2 As transcribed by Yukito no Miko
3
4 ------------------------------------------------------
5
6 Don't look for continuity, plot, or other things of
7 that nature. Yes, I know the Newlywed Game is
8 supposed to have four couples. I didn't feel like
9 adding a fourth.
10
11 All things Sakura belong to CLAMP and Kodansha,
12 though eventually they'll belong to the demon Mixx as
13 well. Don't expect me to give them any credit.
14 Bastards.
15
16 ------------------------------------------------------
17
18 Kero-chan: Konyanyachiwa!! This is a very special
19 Kero-chan ni omakase no corner!! We're going to play
20 Kero-chan's Newlywed Game, a very fun game invented
21 by me, Cerberus! Of course, since I invented it, it'd
22 have to be fun, right? I'm so cool! Now, let's meet
23 our contestants!! Couple number one, come on down!
24
25 Yukito: Are? I thought the term was "Go down..."
26
27 Touya: *o_o*
28
29 *Yukito and Touya sit down*
30
31 Kero-chan: o_o;; Err. . . thank you, couple number
32 one. Couple number two, come join us!
33
34 *Sakura and Tomoyo come out and sit down, amidst
35 cheers from the yuri fangirls and boys and screams of
36 horror from the Sakura/Syaoran fans. Tomoyo pulls out
37 a video camera and starts recording*
38
39 All: ^_^;;
40
41 Sakura: Tomoyo-chan... this is already being recorded
42 by the TV cameras...
43
44 Tomoyo: I know, but they might focus on someone other
45 than Sakura-chan! ^_^
46
47 Sakura: ^.^;;
48
49 Kero-chan: Right! Let's put that aside! Couple number
50 three, join us!
51
52 Syaoran: We are not a couple!!!
53
54 Eriol: Come on, koibito. ^_^
55
56 Syaoran: I am not your koibito! Let go of me!
57
58 *Eriol drags Syaoran to the third set of chairs and
59 ties Syaoran to one of them, then cheerfully sits in
60 the last chair*
61
62 Syaoran: Rai tei shou rai kyuu kyuu nyo ritsu ryo RAI
63 GEKI!! *lightning travels from his sword to the
64 chair, frying the ropes. Unfortunately, it also fries
65 Syaoran. Eriol takes the opportunity to re-tie him.*
66
67 Eriol: If you don't wake up, we can't win the contest
68 for the most loving newlyweds! ^_^
69
70 Syaoran: We're not married!!
71
72 Eriol: Of course we are, anata! ^_^
73
74 Syaoran: We're not, we're not!!
75
76 Eriol: Not even for the grand prize? ^_^
77
78 Syaoran: NO!!
79
80 Sakura: Ne, Kero-chan, what is the grand prize?
81
82 Kero-chan: An all-expense paid trip to China!
83
84 Syaoran: *freezes* You mean... I could finally find
85 the Spring of Drowned Boy and end this terrible
86 curse?!
87
88 All: O_o;;;;
89
90 Syaoran: Never mind... >_> <_<
91
92 Kero-chan: Err. . . right! Let's put that aside!
93 First question is for the men!
94
95 *silence*
96
97 Kero-chan: *pause* Hmm. . . I guess that's a bit of a
98 problem, isn't it? Okay! People on the left are the
99 wives!
100
101 Eriol: I guess that's you, itoshii. ^_^
102
103 Syaoran: We're not married!!
104
105 Yukito: Does this mean you're going to wear a dress
106 for me, To-ya? ^_^
107
108 Touya: . . . . . maybe later. . . . . .
109
110 Kero-chan: . . . Okay! First question! "What is your
111 wife's biggest turn-on?" Couple number one, you can
112 start us out!
113
114 Yukito: Oh, that's easy! It's when I wear my bunny
115 suit! ^_^
116
117 Kero-chan: Wife number one?
118
119 *Touya holds up sign that says, "When Yuki wears his
120 bunny suit."*
121
122 Kero-chan: Good job! Couple number one has one point!
123 Couple number two?
124
125 Sakura: Umm... recording us--
126
127 Kero-chan: That's enough of an answer!! Wife number
128 two?
129
130 *Tomoyo holds up a sign that says, "When Sakura-chan
131 wears my costumes." Sakura looks crestfallen*
132
133 Kero-chan: Oh, that's too bad! But we still have lots
134 of questions to go, so don't lose hope yet! Couple
135 number three, what turns your wife on the most?
136
137 Eriol: Feathers. ^_^
138
139 Kero-chan: Wife number three?
140
141 *Syaoran holds up a sign that says, "I'm not his
142 wife. (feathers)"*
143
144 Kero-chan: Good job! Next question! "Which of
145 Sakura's battle costumes is cutest?"
146
147 Yukito: Her whats?
148
149 *Touya holds up sign: "Her whats?"*
150
151 Kero-chan: I guess that counts. . . Couple number one
152 has two points! Couple number two?
153
154 Sakura: All of them.
155
156 *Tomoyo holds up a sign that reads, "All of them are
157 cute when Sakura-chan wears them!"*
158
159 All: ^_^;;
160
161 Kero-chan: I guess couple number two has one point!
162 But doesn't anyone think my costumes are the cutest?
163 Couple number three, what's your answer?
164
165 Eriol: If I say your costumes, will we get an extra
166 point? ^_^
167
168 Kero-chan: Yes.
169
170 Sakura: Kero-chan, that's not fair!!
171
172 Kero-chan: Yeah, well that's why it's my show and not
173 yours. Couple number three?
174
175 Eriol: Kero-chan's costumes. ^_^
176
177 *Syaoran holds up a sign that says, "The rubber kitty
178 suit"*
179
180 Kero-chan: Well, you got it wrong but you get a point
181 anyways! Good job!
182
183 Eriol: *smirk* ^_^
184
185 Sakura: *scowl*
186
187 Kero-chan: Going onto question three, couple number
188 one has two points, couple number two has one point,
189 and couple number three has two points! Question
190 three is "I like a girl who has a sense of humor.
191 Tell me your favorite joke."
192
193 *silence*
194
195 Kero-chan: Oops! Wrong questions!! Hahahahaha. . .
196 *throws cards backstage* The real question number
197 three is around here somewhere. . .
198
199 *Spinel hands him a set of cards*
200
201 Kero-chan: Thanks! Okay, question number three: "I'm
202 a fool and I consort with goat--" HEY!! These aren't
203 the questions!!
204
205 Suppi: *smirk*
206
207 *Kero-chan digs around backstage and finally comes up
208 with some questions, hopefully the right ones*
209
210 Kero-chan: Okay! I think these are the right ones!
211 "If your wife was an alarm clock, how would she wake
212 you up?" Couple number one?
213
214 Yukito: I'm not sure that I want to say it on
215 television...
216
217 Kero-chan: You have to or you don't get the point.
218
219 *Yukito walks over to Kero-chan and the panel of
220 judges and starts whispering to them. Time passes.
221 More time passes. Nakuru, the backstage crew, falls
222 asleep*
223
224 Kero-chan: Okay, that's enough. **O_O** Wife number
225 one, what did you put?
226
227 *Touya hands him a thick stack of paper*
228
229 Kero-chan: What the. . . this is the Starr report!
230
231 Touya: Stapled underneath is the kama sutra.
232
233 Kero-chan: ***O_O***
234
235 Kero-chan: Ahem. Judges, will we accept those
236 answers?
237
238 Terada-sensei: Yeah, I guess so.
239
240 Kero-chan: What about the other judges?
241
242 *no answer. Sonomi is still taking notes and Fujitaka
243 has his hands over his ears*
244
245 Fujitaka: You're talking about my SON!!
246
247 Kero-chan: *sweatdrop* I guess we'll count it, then.
248 . . Couple number two?
249
250 Sakura: She'd let me sleep and record it.
251
252 Kero-chan: I'm afraid that's not a valid answer.
253
254 Tomoyo: But that's what I put. . . *holds up sign
255 that says, "Let Sakura-chan rest and record her
256 sleeping face"*
257
258 All: ^_^;;
259
260 Kero-chan: Judges?
261
262 *the judges confer, with Sonomi doing most of the
263 talking*
264
265 Terada-sensei: She's--
266
267 Sonomi: WE've.
268
269 Terada-sensei: We've decided to accept that answer.
270
271 Sonomi: Good. Couple number three?
272
273 Kero-chan: Hey, I'm supposed to say that! Couple
274 number three?
275
276 Eriol: If he found me sleeping he'd take the
277 opportunity to try and kill me. ^_^
278
279 Kero-chan: Maybe he's not as dumb as I thought. Well,
280 kid? How would you wake him up?
281
282 *Syaoran holds up a sign that says, "With a mallet"*
283
284 Kero-chan: We'll accept that answer because I like
285 it. Round two after these commercial messages!
286
287 *silence*
288
289 Kero-chan: Nakuru! Run the commercials!
290
291 Nakuru: *wakes up* Hmm?
292
293 Kero-chan: The commercials, the commercials!!
294
295 Nakuru: Oh, right!! ^_^
296
297 Kero-chan: -_-;;
298
299 *fade to commercial*
300
301 <eyecatch>
302
303 ********************
304
305 Kaho: Hello. Have you been feeling down? Like you
306 don't know where your life is going?
307
308 Yamazaki: *dramatically* How did you know?!
309
310 Kaho: I know everything. Which is why you should call
311 Kaho's Psychic Hotline. We'll tell you your destiny
312 in convoluted half-truths that you'll later convince
313 yourself were useful predictions and not a waste of
314 399 yen a minute.
315
316 Yue: Kaho told me that my destiny would soon come to
317 an impasse. I realize now that she was talking about
318 Yukito getting mad when I got with Touya.
319
320 Ruby Moon: Kaho told me that the inner battle between
321 the ying and yang of masculinity and femininity
322 causes an imbalance in the psyche. Boy, was she
323 right!
324
325 Kaho: So call today, and spend hours trying to puzzle
326 out your destiny!
327
328 1-800-ASK-KAHO
329
330 Yamazaki: *even more dramatically* How DOES she DO
331 it?!
332
333 ********************
334
335 *a blond girl in jeans and a t-shirt with "YnM"
336 emblazoned across the chest comes out. Needless to
337 say, it's YnM in her one and probably only
338 self-insertation ever.*
339
340 YnM: Hello, everyone. I just wanted to say support me
341 in my hostile takeover of the universe. YnM for
342 empress. Yay.
343
344 *walks off*
345
346 Tamahome: I support her!
347
348 Duo: That's because she paid you, dude.
349
350 *fade out*
351
352 <eyecatch>
353
354 Kero-chan: Konyanyachiwa!! Have you been brushing
355 your teeth? Good! If you haven't your parents might
356 not let you keep watching the hit new show,
357 Kero-chan's Newlywed Game! We're back with out three
358 couples! Now it's time for the wives to answer the
359 questions. Our first question is, "What is the
360 strangest place you have ever--" *turns red* Who
361 worded this?
362
363 *Nakuru waves*
364
365 Kero-chan: -_-;; "What is the strangest place you
366 have ever *mumbles*
367
368 Sakura: I didn't even know that was a term for it...
369
370 Tomoyo: I did.
371
372 All: ^_^;;
373
374 Kero-chan: o_o; Husband number one, what do you think
375 wife number one put?
376
377 Touya: *thinks* In King Penguin?
378
379 Kero-chan: >_< Now that that image is in our heads,
380 what did wife number one put?
381
382 *Yukito holds up a sign that says, "In the meat
383 freezer at the supermarket." Everyone who had meat in
384 the previous month starts gagging*
385
386 Yukito: I thought we weren't going to tell anyone
387 about King Penguin, To-ya...
388
389 Touya: We weren't going to tell anyone about the
390 freezer thing either.
391
392 Yukito: Oops... but at least neither of us mentioned
393 the--
394
395 2 *Touya claps a hand over his mouth. Yukito bites him* 6
396
397 Touya: Ow! Don't do that!
398
399 Yukito: You started it...
400
401 Touya: I want you to touch me gently...
402
403 Yukito: Later, when we're alone.
404
405 *rose petals blow across the stage*
406
407 All: o_O;;
408
409 Kero-chan: Moving onto couple number two... as
410 quickly as possible...
411
412 Tomoyo: Hoeeeee...
413
414 Kero-chan: What?
415
416 Tomoyo: That's what Sakura-chan put.
417
418 *Sakura holds up a sign that simply says, "HOEEEEE!"
419 and has a drawing of a furiously blushing Sakura*
420
421 Kero-chan: Judges, will we accept that answer?
422
423 *Sonomi and Terada-sensei confer. Fujitaka's still
424 covering his ears*
425
426 Terada-sensei: She says we should.
427
428 Kero-chan: Next time I want unbiased judges...
429
430 Sonomi: I'm not biased.
431
432 Kero-chan: Err... of course not. Let's put that
433 aside. Couple number three, dare I ask?
434
435 Syaoran: *slightly green* We NEVER [censored]!!!
436
437 Nakuru: Wow, even I didn't know that was a term for
438 it.
439
440 Tomoyo: I did.
441
442 All: o_o;
443
444 *Eriol holds up his "He'll deny our many nights of
445 passion. ^_^" sign*
446
447 Sakura: Eriol-kun, you're really good! I bet you make
448 your wife very happy!
449
450 Syaoran: I'm not his wife!!
451
452 Kero-chan: -_-;; Let's move on to the next question,
453 shall we? This one's multiple choice, so we don't
454 have to worry about inappropriate answers. "How would
455 you describe your honeymoon: Relaxing, Exciting, or
456 Boring?"
457
458 Audience: Ooooooooo...
459
460 Kero-chan: Couple number one, start us off.
461
462 Touya: Relaxing.
463
464 *Yukito's sign: "Relaxing. Very"*
465
466 Kero-chan: *breaths a sigh of relief* Thanks for not
467 elaborat--
468
469 Yukito: After all, we didn't leave bed all week...
470
471 Kero-chan: Too much information!
472
473 Touya: We realized the dangers of the hot tub pretty
474 quickly...
475
476 Kero-chan: *attempts to cover ears* Ack!
477
478 *Touya and Yukito shrug*
479
480 Kero-chan: Next! Next!
481
482 Tomoyo: Exciting.
483
484 *Sakura holds up a sign with "Exciting" written in
485 big letters*
486
487 Kero-chan: Moving on before you try and explain your
488 answer...
489
490 Sakura: *blushes* It's not like THAT! We traveled
491 around and ate lots of oishii cakes and things.
492
493 Kero-chan: Ack! Too much-- *pause* I guess that's
494 okay... *pause again* Without me?! ;_;
495
496 Sakura: We weren't going to tell you about it...
497
498 Kero-chan: Couple number three! Please end this
499 question!
500
501 Syaoran: We had no honeymoon because WE'RE NOT
502 MARRIED!!!!
503
504 Eriol holds up his sign, which says, "He'll deny the
505 very existence of our honeymoon, including the nights
506 of endless pleasure we spent, sweaty bodies
507 intertwined--" and brakes off where he ran out of
508 room to write*
509
510 *Syaoran turns bright green and rushes for the
511 bathroom. After having lost the better part of his
512 lunch, he returns and sits back down*
513
514 Sakura: Syaoran-kun, why didn't you take that
515 opportunity to escape?
516
517 Syaoran: O_O! <--- didn't think of it
518
519 *Eriol, by this time, has re-tied him*
520
521 Syaoran: >:/
522
523 Eriol: There, there, muffin. They know you just don't
524 want to leave my side.
525
526 Sakura: Yeah, that'd be a good reason.
527
528 Syaoran: But... but...
529
530 Eriol: Why else would I risk untiing him so he could
531 deal with his morning sickness?
532
533 Syaoran: Wha...?
534
535 Tomoyo: *claps hands* Syaoran-kun will make a
536 wonderful mother!
537
538 Syaoran: I'M NOT PREGNANT!!
539
540 Eriol: If it's a boy we'll name him Clow.
541
542 Syaoran: AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! *passes
543 out*
544
545 Eriol: *pats his hand* There, there, love. *to
546 others* His constitution is a bit frail. Please, feel
547 free to move onto the next question.
548
549 Kero-chan: Thanks. Final question: *pause* *shudder*
550 "What bedroom fantasy have you acted out that should
551 have remained a fantasy?" ...couple number one,
552 please answer as briefly and undescriptively as
553 possible.
554
555 Touya: Well, there was this one time when Yuki wanted
556 to try it while skydiving-- wait, I want to change my
557 answer. When we tried it underwater. He almost
558 drowned and there were all these fish staring at
559 us...
560
561 Kero-chan: *begins twitching* No more... no more...
562
563 Yukito: They're your questions. *holds up sign that
564 says simply, "Star Wars"*
565
566 Touya: That wasn't THAT bad, was it?
567
568 Yukito: Oh, it was FINE for you. YOU didn't have to
569 be Leia.
570
571 Touya: Gomen ne, Yuki. I didn't know. *clasps
572 Yukito's hand*
573
574 Yukito: *big dewey eyes* To-ya...
575
576 *they start necking*
577
578 Audience: Wooooooooooooooooooo!!
579
580 Kero-chan: Not on the air! Not on the air! This is
581 network television!! Couple number two, at least get
582 the cameras off them!
583
584 Tomoyo: Well, one time we used the Clow Cards to--
585
586 Kero-chan: I think that's enough of an answer.
587 Sakura?
588
589 *Sakura holds up a sign that says "Clow Cards" on it*
590
591 Kero-chan: Good job, couple number two. That puts you
592 up to five points. Couple number one has four points,
593 and couple number three has five or six points,
594 depending on whether or not they get this one right.
595 Couple number three?
596
597 Syaoran: *slowly regaining consciousness* Bedroom
598 fantasies my @$$!!
599
600 Eriol: Careful, darling. They say babies can hear
601 what you say even before they're born. We don't want
602 our bundle of joy to grow up with a potty mouth. ^_^
603
604 Syaoran: WHAT bundle of joy?!
605
606 Kero-chan: Hey, husband number three! Sign!
607
608 *Eriol holds up his sign, which quoth, "He'll be too
609 embarrassed about how he looked as a meter maid even
610 to mention it. ^_^"*
611
612 Kero-chan: Judges?
613
614 Fujitaka: I get to decide since I listened to this
615 one!
616
617 *the other judges shrug*
618
619 Fujitaka: Okay... it counts.
620
621 *silence*
622
623 Fujitaka: I don't get applause?
624
625 All: -_-;;
626
627 Kero-chan: Now, since that's resolved... Going into
628 the bonus round, couple three is in the lead,
629 followed by couple two and couple one. The bonus
630 question is worth five points, so any of our
631 contestants could win. The bonus question is: "If
632 your husband had to sum up your sex drive in one
633 word, it would be [blank]" *pause* Oh, I can't WAIT
634 to hear these answers. *wince*
635
636 Touya: Slow.
637
638 Kero-chan: You expect me to believe that after what
639 I've heard today?
640
641 Touya: Well, compared to his...
642
643 *Yukito holds up a sign that says, "Well, it is kind
644 of slow...", which isn't really one word. Did
645 everyone catch that? Good! The judges didn't, and
646 they got a point anyways*
647
648 Kero-chan: Couple number one is now in the lead with
649 9 points, though that's not conclusive in the least,
650 since no one else has answered the bonus question.
651 Couple number two, your move.
652
653 Tomoyo: Creative!
654
655 *Sakura holds up her sign: "Kinky"*
656
657 Kero-chan: Judges?
658
659 *brief but amusing judge conference, which includes
660 Sonomi jumping on the table and demanding justice*
661
662 Kero-chan: Have you reached a decision?
663
664 Terada-sensei: We'll accept it. *cowers under
665 Sonomi's glare*
666
667 Kero-chan: Okay! Couple number two is now in first
668 place! Couple number three, final question, final
669 answer. How would your husband sum up your sex drive?
670
671 Syaoran: When it comes to him, non-existent.
672
673 *Eriol holds up his sign: "Since he's embarrassed
674 about the fact that he likes to [censored] like
675 bunnies...*
676
677 Nakuru: Oooh, more new vocabulary! *writes down*
678
679 Yukito: Is that a personal remark?
680
681 *"...he'll pretend that he's as innocent as a
682 schoolgirl"*
683
684 *Everyone looks at Terada-sensei*
685
686 Terada-sensei: *o_o* Schoolgirl! Right! Innocent!
687 *cough cough* That's what he said, all right! That
688 answer counts! Moving on, moving on!!
689
690 Kero-chan: Then, I guess couple number three wins.
691 Congratulations, kid, you're going to a fabulous
692 second honeymoon in China!
693
694 Syaoran: But I LIVE in China! How is that a vacation?
695
696 Announcer (Yamazaki-kun): You've won an all-expense
697 paid trip to the beauuuuuutiful land of China, where
698 you'll enjoy--
699
700 Syaoran: Who says I'll enjoy it?!
701
702 Yamazaki-kun: The announcement.
703
704 Syaoran: Why should I believe it?
705
706 Yamazaki-kun: Because it was written by Kaho's
707 Psychic Hotline.
708
709 Syaoran: Really?
710
711 Yamazaki-kun: Of course! Would I lie to you?
712
713 Syaoran: Then. . . I guess. . . I should go? *looks
714 disgusted*
715
716 Yamazaki-kun: Of course! Kaho's Psychic Hotline is
717 never wrong! You know, psychic hotlines were first
718 invented in ancient Greece, when too many people
719 wanted to use the Oracle.
720
721 Syaoran: Really?
722
723 Chiharu-chan: *twitch twitch* Hey. . .
724
725 Yamazaki-kun: Time to go! *runs away, followed
726 closely by Chiharu-chan*
727
728 Chiharu-chan: Get back here, you!...
729
730 Syaoran: I don't know about this...
731
732 Eriol: Come on, dear. The vacation will relive
733 stress, and everyone knows future mothers should
734 avoid stress.
735
736 Syaoran: *grumbles*
737
738 *Eriol drags him offstage to go catch their plane.
739 Touya and Yukito are still sucking face. Nakuru
740 throws a blanket over them. Tomoyo is videotaping
741 Sakura*
742
743 Tomoyo: Your sad face is kawaii too!
744
745 Sakura: ^.^;;
746
747 Kero-chan: Well, it seems we ended a little earlier
748 than expected. But that's okay, because--
749
750 Meiling: I'll be singing for you! Everyone agrees
751 that I have the best singing voice!
752
753 Kero-chan: That wasn't quite--
754
755 Meiling: *sings* ~David Duchovny, why won't you love
756 me~
757
758 Kero-chan: Just roll next week's previews.
759
760 ~~Next time on Kero-chan's Newlywed Game~~
761
762 Kero-chan: "If you didn't exist and your wife had to
763 choose one of these people to marry, who would they
764 choose?"
765
766 *Dr. J and Relena walk out*
767
768 Duo: *looks nauseated* I think he'd choose Relena...
769
770 Heero: That's the purpose of the self-destruct
771 system.
772
773 ~~end clip~~
774
775 Meiling: ~I hold it in as best I can / I know I'm
776 just another fan~
777
778 Kero-chan: See you next week, everyone! Honana!
779
780 Meiling: ~And I can't wait anymore for him to
781 discover me / I've got it bad for David Duchovny!...~
782
783 *fade out*