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author rlm
date Fri, 19 Feb 2010 06:24:59 -0500
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1 Disclaimer: Me again. I suddenly got in a writing mood, so here it
2 is! Please note that I do not own any copyrighted items. I hope you
3 all enjoy it. ~.^ ~~Forever3330~~ ^.~
4
5 Thoughts
6 By Forever3330
7 kawaiimotoko@hotmail.com
8
9 Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it. Sitting on the sidelines,
10 holding everything swirling around in me back, building wall upon
11 wall around my true heart, trying to lock it away, all so that I can
12 give her, to the best of my ability, what she deserves. Someone who
13 loves her, who can protect her and her precious heart, who can help
14 her to shine more brightly then she already does, who can give her a
15 life. A marriage, a family, a reason to live.
16 My treacherous heart is torn in two; I love her! I can protect her!
17 I can help her shine more brightly! But when it comes to the last, I
18 stop. Everything simply grows cold and I force a smile, just from
19 habit, as I feel the familiar despair and reason wash over me. I
20 can’t give her a life. Not a marriage, not a family. And how, how
21 could I possibly give her a reason to live, when I couldn’t do those
22 simple things?
23 And so I cry tears that aren’t tears. They don’t exist, they don’t
24 cause me to cry out in grief; because they don’t exist in the world
25 where you can see and feel them. They only exist within me, as I cry
26 my way through eternity. But why do I do such a thing?
27 A simple answer, I suppose. I do it for her. For her happiness. For
28 her heart. It’s the only path I can see. It’s the only path there is.
29 I would do anything for her; but that leaves me trapped, in a prison
30 I helped to make.
31 I can’t leave. That would only hurt her. I can’t. I can’t stay;
32 that only causes me to die further inside of myself, pulling back,
33 only barely remembering to wear my smiling mask. But I have to stay.
34 I can’t hurt her. If I would truly do anything for her, then surely I
35 can do so simple a thing as be there through all the pain. No matter
36 what. Even if I eventually kill my own heart in the effort of trying
37 to stay, to not hurt the heart I treasure above all others.
38 But I’m starting to wonder if that isn’t true. I’m beginning to be
39 unable to feel anything but the emotions I have for her, and the
40 emotions that I stand for her. Despair, loneliness, hope, love, and
41 endless longing, those too many to name, and worst of all reason. Is
42 reason even an emotion? Whatever it is, it is by far the worst thing
43 to have.
44 Or the best.
45 Without reason, wouldn’t I have ruined the life I’m so carefully
46 trying to build for her? Wouldn’t I have lost any chance of her
47 happiness? Wouldn’t she hate me?
48 Most people would hate me, I’m sure. For something I can’t help,
49 something I never asked for, never meant to fall into…and I could do
50 nothing about it. As long as I wear my masks at least I can be near
51 her.
52 I wish it would stop. The confusion, all of it. Every emotion that
53 swirls through me, the life I don’t want to live that I do want to
54 live. It would be easy to stop it all. But I can’t. My prison seems
55 to grow into something I can’t escape more and more as my desire to
56 escape it grows. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I wish…
57 The last word I hear echoing through my mind, as everything quiets,
58 letting me rest, is ‘why’. Why? Why? Why…
59 Why does anything happen? I don’t really know. I don’t know
60 anything at all, in a way. Does anyone know everything? If someone
61 does, could they come and explain to me once more why? Can they
62 explain that stupid, silly word that always ends my battles within
63 this prison?
64 Can they explain why?
65 I don’t want this. I don’t want to be forever wandering though this
66 dark place. I don’t want any of it. I don’t…
67 But I do.
68 I want the small, treasured moments where I have the light she
69 gives me. The light that eases the pain away, that forces the
70 darkness and the prison back. Sometimes the light makes me want to
71 break my masks. Sometimes it helps me to fix them, and reminds me why
72 I do any of this at all. But mostly the light leaves me with the
73 smallest, weakest hope. The most hope I can manage. The hope that
74 someday…someday…
75 I don’t really know.
76 The hope that she’ll save me, I guess. That’s silly, I know…you
77 have to save yourself. No one saves you. No one can, when you’re so
78 close to invisible as I am. But how am I to save myself when it takes
79 all my strength to keep alive? It takes all of me to show that smile
80 I have to give, to make them all think I’m okay. I’m always okay. I
81 have to be. If I show that I’m not, I could break it all…she can’t
82 worry about me. I can’t have that.
83 I can’t really think anymore. I’m broken, I think. Broken. I don’t
84 think I can be fixed by anything but the one thing I can’t have.
85 Absurd, isn’t it? That I can’t find the strength to save myself, but
86 I can find it in me to save others from all that I feel? That I can
87 only mask everything that goes through my mind? That I can’t ever
88 really show all of myself, let the masks drop, let anyone, least of
89 all her, stare straight into my eyes and see in one glimpse
90 everything that I have to hide?
91 All I can think right now it nothing, really. It’s simply an empty
92 void. I’m running out of emotions and thoughts. All but those that I
93 seem to be cursed with for the rest of my life. I must have an
94 endless supply of those; that or she hands them all to me, without
95 noticing. You’d think she’d notice. How can she simply pull something
96 out without realizing it?
97 But that’s one of the things I like about her. She’s too innocent
98 to understand the workings of the heart, or of emotions themselves.
99 She just needs a few pushes in the right direction sometimes.
100 But how can I know the right direction?
101 I think she’s fallen for him, though. It’s not that hard to see. If
102 only they would move far, far away, so that it could all end. So that
103 I could make my disappearing act with her none the wiser. But no; she
104 can’t leave her home. Her friends, her family. Me. And I haven’t the
105 slightest idea why.
106 No matter what I say I still can’t convince her that it’s for the
107 best.
108 And so I sit here on a swing in the park, arguing with myself,
109 unconsciously smiling out of habit. Smiling when I feel like crying.
110 For once it would be nice to cry. But I wonder if I can cry. I used
111 to cry myself to sleep, a long time ago. I don’t think I have any of
112 the tears that people would refer to as real left. I think I’m too
113 far gone for that. To let it all go and simply cry. To sob. To wail.
114 To bemoan your fate.
115 Perhaps I’m slightly insane to think that wonderful, but surely it
116 is better then this battle I hold within myself. I want them out. All
117 the painful emotions. But not the love or the hope. The love is
118 something that wouldn’t go away if I wanted it to. And the hope at
119 least gives me something to grasp. A rope thrown down into the hole
120 I’ve dug myself, beckoning for me to try to climb it, a little. A
121 rope that taunts with the thought that someone might descend to help
122 me up, or pull the rope back up with me attached.
123 I know that the thought I keep trying to obliterate has to do with
124 that hope. The hope that it will be her who saves me; the hope that I
125 will be saved at all. Why would she save me?
126 She doesn’t even know that I need to be saved.