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author rlm
date Fri, 19 Feb 2010 06:24:59 -0500
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1
2
3 Letting Go
4
5 By: Dreiser
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7
8 The cool night air touches my skin and I shiver under its soft
9 assault. Clasping my hands on the thick marble of the balcony I study
10 the night sky.
11 The sky is black. Black reminds me of death. Death reminds
12 me of myself.
13 A slight wind kicks up and I hug myself for warmth as I watch
14 the steady lap of the waves hitting the beach. Since I was little I've
15 loved the ocean.
16 It reminds me of the comforts and safety of childhood. When
17 things were much more simple.
18 As a child I knew what I wanted and I asked for it. It may
19 have taken me awhile to work up the courage to ask but nevertheless
20 I asked. And when I did I was usually rewarded by receiving
21 whatever I had asked for.
22 I'm now an adult and have since realized that simply asking for
23 something doesn't always insure that you'll get it.
24 Over the years I've always longed for one thing and one thing
25 only but I've yet to ask for it.
26 I doubt very much that I'll ever be able to work up the
27 courage to ask for it. As painful as it is sometimes you have to realize
28 that some things will remain unattainable.
29 And for me she will always remain unattainable.
30 "Aren't you cold out here?"
31 My eyes close at the irony of the situation. I simply think of
32 her and she appears. The Kami must enjoy to torture me because I
33 can find no other explanation for the horrible string of luck in my life.
34 I look to her and give a small smile.
35 "I don't mind the cold. I was looking at the stars. They're
36 pretty, aren't they?"
37 She walks closer and stops next to me. Her gentle hands rest
38 on the balcony as she tilts her head back to stare into the night sky
39 that once preoccupied me so.
40 "They're very pretty."
41 Her gaze locks with my own and she adds softly.
42 "Just like you."
43 I duck my eyes and I can feel my cheeks flush from her
44 words. Why must she always tease me so? I know that nothing can
45 come from it. She's much too good for me and I know it. Her strength
46 is amazing and it is because I've seen that strength with my own eyes
47 that I know she would never want an emotional weakling like me.
48 "Thank you."
49 "For what? All I did was tell the truth."
50 There's a hint of rage in her voice and I meet her eyes upon
51 hearing it. She studies me closely and I shrink under her gaze. It has
52 always bothered me... the attention of others.
53 She suddenly sets her jaw and questions.
54 "You don't believe me do you? You think I was just being
55 nice when I said that you were pretty."
56 I blink at the anger in her words and I can only stare at her
57 helplessly as she continues on.
58 "I wouldn't lie about something like that! Why would I? What
59 purpose would it serve?"
60 In a movement of obvious frustration she shakes her head and
61 runs her fingers through tousled bangs. She gives a ragged sigh and
62 looks to me.
63 "You're the only one who can do this to me, you do know
64 that right? I've had to learn perfect diplomacy over the years but as
65 soon as I talk to you..." She rolls her eyes and says wryly, "It seems
66 to fly right out the window."
67 There is a long moment of silence and I study her through
68 lidded eyes before I offer my defense.
69 "I'm sorry."
70 Her gaze drops to the railing of the balcony and she slumps
71 onto it burying her head in her arms. She sighs once again and says in
72 muffled tones.
73 "Sorry for what? You didn't do anything. You never do
74 anything. It's always me."
75 My body goes numb when I hear this. I never do anything?
76 She doesn't know just how right she is. After all, I've let countless
77 years pass without ever doing anything about my feelings for her.
78 While she keeps trying... for some reason she keeps trying to be
79 friends with me.
80 I lock my gaze onto her. She has lifted her head and her chin
81 rests on her arms as she stares out into the ocean. I desire her... I
82 want her... I love her...
83 It's about time that I told her that.
84 "It embarrasses me when you give me compliments. It
85 embarrasses me because of how they make me feel."
86 She looks up at me in quiet disbelief.
87 "How... how do they make you feel?"
88 "Loved."
89 "Loved?"
90 "Yes. I know you don't love me--"
91 "Of course I do! You're my best friend! I--"
92 I shake my head at this and interrupt her with gentle words
93 laced with steel.
94 "No. I meant that you don't love me as I love you. I know that
95 you care for me as a friend but I no longer care for you that way."
96 In a smooth graceful movement she pushes herself up to stand
97 at her full height across from me. She reaches out to take my hand
98 tenderly into her own.
99 "I don't understand what you're saying."
100 My eyes remain focused on the cold marble of the balcony
101 floor. Slowly I lift my gaze to meet hers and swallowing the lump in
102 my throat I say simply.
103 "I'm in love with you. I love you not as a friend but as a lover.
104 I have for quite some time now and that's why I've pushed you away
105 these past few years. It hurts too much to be with you and to still...
106 not be with you."
107 She releases my hands and turns from me. I watch as her
108 shoulders tense while she grips the railing to the balcony.
109 "You're in love with me?"
110 Before I can reply she faces me and her eyes are glowing with
111 a ferocity I've never seen in her.
112 "You've been in love with me for years now and you never felt
113 the need to tell me before now? Didn't you think that this is something
114 I'd like to know about?"
115 I blink at this. I never expected her to be indignant or angry at
116 me. Disgust or pity were the emotions that I had been expecting to
117 see from her. I meet her eyes then offer my oldest and most used
118 defense.
119 "I'm sorry."
120 "You're sorry? Is that all you can say?!"
121 She gives a sudden cry of frustration and looking up to the
122 heavens she mutters to herself. When she lowers her eyes to meet
123 mine she sighs and says.
124 "Idiot. I'm in love with you too."
125 My eyes go wide at this and I whisper.
126 "Really?"
127 At this she laughs lightly and walks to me. She gently cups my
128 face in her hands and I shiver as I feel her hot breath on my skin. Our
129 lips are millimeters apart as she replies.
130 "Really."
131 We draw together in a searing embrace and when we pull
132 apart from the need of air I can feel myself smiling. Her head rests on
133 my chest and I pull her closer. Hoping it isn't a dream I say her name.
134 "Chibiusa."
135 She lifts her head and warm scarlet eyes smile at me. The tips
136 of her fingers lightly caress my face and she says my name softly like it
137 was a prayer.
138 "Hotaru."
139 Our smiles deepen and as we move in for another passionate
140 embrace I can feel myself let go of my fears from the past because
141 now I have everything I've ever wanted.
142 And everything I could've ever asked for.
143
144 -End-
145
146 Both characters from this fanfiction are from Sailor Moon. I came up
147 with this fanfic because some friends asked me to try a hand at this
148 couple. I normally don't think of Chibausa and Hotaru in romantic
149 terms but since reading the fanfics by the Amazoness Duo I've
150 changed my mind. Please don't write to me saying that these
151 characters are much too young for this sort of thing. I realize that and I
152 did age them appropriately in this story so nothing scandalous would
153 be going on. Now I'm off to listen to the Key: The Metal Idol
154 soundtrack.
155
156 Send comments to: Dreiser1@ix.netcom.com
157
158 "Hanging onto the past, it only stands in the way. We have to go for a
159 love that lasts."
160 -Tina Turner-
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