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author rlm
date Fri, 19 Feb 2010 06:24:59 -0500
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1 Disclaimer: Hey all. O_o; April Lavigne song, I know, but the lyrics fit. Enjoy, tell me what I do wrong, and don’t throw anything I can’t catch (hint: throw nothing!). I own nothing I don’t own. The song is 'He Wasn't'. ~.^ ~~Forever3330~~ ^.~
2
3 He Wasn’t~~A Cardcaptor Sakura Fanfiction
4
5 By Forever3330
6
7 Sunday. A day when all she had was herself and her thoughts; she could call someone. She probably should call someone. But that wasn't going to happen anytime soon, was it? For once she had to figure it out on her own. Or rather, she didn't think she could stand to hear someone telling her it'd be okay or that it was her fault or anything or nothing. Sometimes being alone was something to be cherished.
8
9 ~There's not much going on today.
10 I'm really bored, it's getting late.~
11
12 "Oi, do you really plan on sitting there all day?" A deep voice from her side. Sakura turned her head just enough to glimpse Touya, then went back to gazing out the darkening window, half-sprawled on the couch.
13
14 "Yeah."
15
16 ~What happened to my Saturday?
17 Monday's coming, the day I hate.~
18
19 Up the stairs. She'd never realized she could make so little noise doing so, normally bounding up the stairs to greet Kero or call a friend. Normally Tomoyo, but also Chiharu and Rika and Naoko, and Yamazaki when she had a question on the math homework. More often as of late had been Syaoran.
20
21 Monday was too close for comfort.
22
23 ~Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone.
24 He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no.~
25
26 When she slid into her room she found Kero playing one of his games. When he was doing that, she was as good as invisible. So, Sakura went to her bed, all blue-and-white and dotted with stars. Laying in her artificial night sky, she calmed a little, half-watching Kero and staring from time to time at the phone. She turned on her side, gazing at it now, as if it would answer every question she'd ever asked.
27
28 The phone rang.
29
30 Sighed, closing her eyes. "Syaoran. I'm sorry."
31
32 ~He wouldn't even open up the door.
33 He never made me feel like I was special.
34 He isn't really what I'm looking for.~
35
36 He knew she was sorry, of course. He'd been the one to point out that she seemed distant. She'd been the one to ask, hesitantly, if he wasn't also distant as well.
37
38 They both knew that. But it was awkward, sitting in the park, trying not to look at the other person and trying to explain away the distance on his part, and trying not to say what would make it all disappear on hers.
39
40 It didn't take as long as she'd thought, and he looked happier for once, as if he realized something. She asked, carefully, and he told her.
41
42 She just hoped that Meiling would still be waiting for him, and she left.
43
44 He had been distant. He'd rarely hugged her, and never kissed her, and still looked utterly embaressed when she made some display of affection, no matter how small, down to something as simple as holding hands.
45
46 But then, holding hands was earthshattering, wasn't it? If it was with the right person.
47
48 But he wasn't the right person, and neither was she.
49
50 And then, she had been distant as well.
51
52 ~This is where I start to bite my nails.
53 And clean my room when all else fails.~
54
55 Chewed nails, short and a shiny pink, paint chipping away with the age of a week or so. Done last Saturday at Rika's sleepover, by Tomoyo, who's hands were more steady then hers. One really shouldn't try to paint the right hand when you're right handed. Or the left, when you're uncoordinated.
56
57 Her dark-haired friend had laughed, amused at her attempts, then carefully wiped away the mistakes and applied the pink nailpolish perfectly.
58
59 Tomoyo tended to straighten things out like that, even when not asked. And take her time doing it, smiling, until it was just so. And she loved it.
60
61 Currently she was dusting, much to Kero's displeasure. His game couldn't be played when she dusted the TV and station and that was Not Good in his book.
62
63 When she was worried, she cleaned.
64
65 ~I think it's time for me to bail.
66 This point of view is getting stale.~
67
68 Scrubbing the hardwood floor, just the way she'd learned long ago. She liked the way the soap and warm water felt on her skin, even if she heard Kero telling her she'd have prune hands in a while, sitting like that at intervals, swirling her hands around in the water and watching the bubbles. They reflected so much color and sometimes none at all, and she liked that.
69
70 She remembered bubbles, once, in the girl's bathroom at school. They were supposed to be changing for the Halloween parade, but instead Naoko showed them how to blow bubbles with their hands and water and soap, and they'd all blown bubbles for a good half hour, dressed up like things they weren't.
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72 The faerie Sakura had loved it, and the princess Tomoyo had figured out a way to blow a single bubble together, making it bigger. Put your hand together with another, as if in prayer, and rub the soap and blow between, cheek to cheek and the enormous bubble grew and grew made of wishes and laughter, and then, when they pulled their hands apart it broke.
73
74 They never were in that parade, but somehow the bubbles were better.
75
76 Why did she have to cling to faerie tales?
77
78 ~Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone.~
79
80 Her room was pristine. Kero had ordered her to stop, threatening to bite, and she had. Now she sat on her bed, leaning against the pale lavender walls, staring at her phone. Pink, cordless. A gift from Tomoyo at one point in time a few years ago. A few years ago when she wasn't sixteen and confused. A few years ago when they blew bubbles together when they were magical, and the bubbles were wishes.
81
82 Were they her wishes?
83
84 The phone rang again.
85
86 And Sakura stared.
87
88 Did she believe in faerie tales?
89
90 ~He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no.
91 He wouldn't even open up the door.
92 He never made me feel like I was special.~
93
94 Maybe if he had done so much as open a door, and not let it swing shut on her, or held her hand or just smiled every so often for her she could believe in faerie tales.
95 The prince find the princess and they live happily ever after.
96
97 Faerie tale.
98
99 But happily ever after wasn't her and Syaoran, was it? It wasn't Sakura and Syaoran. That was quiet and silent and awkward and she always messed up or said too much and he said too little and they clanged like bells.
100
101 Was that a faerie tale?
102
103 ~He isn't really what I'm looking for.~
104
105 There was someone who made her feel like she was Sakura, and she wasn't a prince or a princess and didn't have to be because she was already magical, even before she had magic. She felt like she could fly, and there was never the clanging, but a soft tune she heard in a voice she loved, and it was dancing and singing and running through her backyard and laughing all at once.
106
107 It was walking hand in hand.
108
109 She thought, once, that that was a faerie tale until she was told that in a faerie tale there had to be a prince and a princess, and they had to live happily ever after.
110
111 But now she wondered why life had to be anything like a faerie tale.
112
113 And if the real faerie tales weren't the ones not recorded.
114
115 ~Na na na na na, we've all got choices.~
116
117 She didn't have to follow the expectations or the faerie tale. She didn't, did she? Father and Touya wouldn't mind if she did or she didn't, and Touya didn't seem to think much of faerie tales anyways. And even if father loved faerie tales, she knew he loved her more.
118
119 And in the end it would be her choice whether or not she wanted to be a princess or Sakura, and it was her choice what she would do.
120
121 And though she believed in faerie tales, the faerie tales she believed were those whispered to her on stormy nights when Tomoyo slept over and made up a story because Sakura asked, and those stories were always the tales that Sakura believed.
122
123 ~Na na na na, we've all got voices.~
124
125 Maybe she loved those stories because they were special and dark and light and perfect and not always happy but not always sad, but sometimes she thought she loved them just because of the voice speaking them, low and calm and sweet, and reassuring at all the scary parts, even as it spoke of terrible things. And Tomoyo would hold her, all pale and made of moonlight, like a ghost,only she didn't scare Sakura like ghosts did.
126
127 And when the thunder and lightning outside cracked, she didn't even worry or shriek, because the voice was more entrancing and powerful then fear or the storm.
128
129 ~Na na na na na, stand up make some noise.~
130
131 Maybe she should just forget her thoughts and worries and ideas and everything she knew and become a new Sakura and not deal with any of it, because eventually she'd hurt someone in life, like she had hurt Syaoran momentarially, and how she knew she hurt her friends sometimes without meaning to, and how she was beginning to know she hurt Tomoyo.
132
133 She never meant to hurt anyone, and it killed her to think she had. She didn't want to hurt anyone, especially not her best friend, not the one who made things as silly as nailpolish better, and the worse things better as well.
134
135 ~Na na na na, stand up make some noise.~
136
137 She wished she could fix everything she had ever done to hurt anyone. But that was silly, in a way. She couldn't change the past. And even with the hurt she'd done, she wasn't sure she'd like to change the past. So many things were good, and she wouldn't know everything she knew now if the bad hadn't happened. It was so odd, to need the pain. But she needed it.
138 And she needed the good things as well.
139
140 Especially the good things.
141
142 ~Sit on the bed alone, staring at the phone.
143 He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no.~
144
145 Maybe it was a good thing that she'd changed this. Would she want to end up in the same hole years from now, dug deeper?
146
147 Would she want to go on believeing in the false faerie tales, not knowing the true ones?
148
149 The phone shook slightly, and rang.
150
151 Sakura stared.
152
153 ~He wouldn't even open up the door.
154 He never made me feel like I was special.~
155
156 Her hand reached out, and she realized it was shaking. Why was she afraid to pick it up?
157
158 What if it were Syaoran?
159
160 What if it weren't?
161
162 What if it were...
163
164 "Hello?" Her own voice was more steady then her hands, and she gripped the phone hard.
165
166 ~He isn't really what I'm looking for.~
167
168 "Sakura!" The soft voice, sweet with worry, came over the line, rushing out and wrapping around Sakura like sweet, sticky honey, warmth encased in it. "Are you okay? I heard about yesterday from Meiling. I've been trying to call you all day..."
169
170 ~He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought, no.
171 He wouldn't even open up the door.
172 He never made me feel like I was special.~
173
174 "I...was thinking." Sakura said, quietly. "We decided together, Tomoyo."
175
176 "Together?" Tomoyo sounded confused.
177
178 "We weren't right, is all. He never made me feel like I was special." She tried to explain it.
179
180 "...Are you okay?" Tomoyo asked, careful.
181
182 "I don't know." Hesitation. Then, "Tomoyo, do you believe in faerie tales?"
183
184 "I...suppose you could say that."
185
186 Sakura closed her eyes. "Princes and princesses and happily ever afters?"
187
188 "I don't think those are faerie tales so much as they are wishes, Sakura." Tomoyo spoke gently, as if not to break a dream.
189
190 "What's a faerie tale, then?" The quesiton.
191
192 "What do you think, Sakura?"
193
194 ~Like I was special, cuz I was special.~
195
196 "Tomoyo..." She opened her eyes, looking out her window at the real stars, and not the fake ones on her coverlet. Then she spoke. "I think we're a faerie tale. Do you?"
197
198 There was silence at the other end.
199
200 ~Na na na na na.~
201
202 And then, in a breathless, happy tone, filled with tears, "Yes. I think we are."
203
204 "Good." Sakura smiled, crookedly. "I was hoping you would. Did you know you make me feel special?"