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author rlm
date Fri, 19 Feb 2010 06:24:59 -0500
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1 Arigatou
2 by Riesz Fenrir
3
4 Disclaimer: I don't own CLAMP or Card Captor Sakura. In fact, CLAMP
5 and Card Captor Sakura own me. They own you too, admit it. ^_^
6
7 This is the first fanfic I've ever written, about any series, so
8 please don't flame me too hard for it. ^_^; Die-hard fans may well be
9 able to find some inaccuracies, since I've not seen that much of
10 ::cough:: "Cardcaptors" and even less of CCS itself. In fact, this is
11 largely based on the manga, which I have a lot more of (plus it's
12 cuter ^_^). Oh, and a warning: this is angst, pure and simple. Don't
13 expect happy endings.
14
15 Stuff in <angle brackets> = thoughts.
16
17
18
19 ~~~
20
21 <"You don't know just how much.... I love you, Sakura.">
22
23 Tomoyo sat on the bed in the middle of her expansive,
24 exquisitely-decorated quarters at the Daidouji mansion. Not that one
25 would be able to tell from a glance around the room that intricately-
26 patterned magnolia wallpaper, or indeed anything at all, lay behind
27 the countless photographs of Sakura that covered the walls ceiling to
28 floor. One more rested in Tomoyo's hands as she gazed absently out of
29 the window towards Tomoeda Elementary.
30 <Morning classes will be nearly over by now....> Tomoyo knew
31 she ought to be at school too, but over these past few weeks, it
32 seemed, Sakura and Syaoran had been getting closer. A *lot* closer.
33 Tomoyo sighed. What was her problem anyway? She had always said she'd
34 be happy if Sakura was happy. And Syaoran did make Sakura happy....
35 which was the one thing that tore Tomoyo's heart to shreds. Seeing
36 them together like that.... holding hands, laughing...... <like we
37 used to be.....>
38 So here she was, alone in her room, pretending to be too sick
39 to go. <It's the truth, anyway.... only the sickness is in my heart.
40 I just didn't think I could face another day of living my life this
41 way.... putting on that same smile, pretending everything's
42 okay........>
43 Tomoyo's gaze returned to the picture in her hand.
44 <It's not okay......>
45 Most of the pictures that lined Tomoyo's walls were of Sakura
46 as only Tomoyo knew her; as the Card Captor, the defender of Tomoeda
47 from the Clow Cards' evil...... but this, this was just everday,
48 ordinary Sakura, smiling as she made her way to school. Only there
49 had never been anything "everyday" or "ordinary" about Sakura. She
50 was perfection itself..... the touch of her smooth, soft, lightly-
51 tanned skin..... the way the light danced in those intense, emerald-
52 green eyes when she smiled..... the sweet scent of her short auburn
53 hair..... the gentleness of her voice.... all things that could melt
54 Tomoyo in a heartbeat.
55 <It's not okay......>
56 A single hot tear slid down Tomoyo's cheek and fell onto the
57 photograph. Her hand, seemingly independent of her conscious mind,
58 reached behind her and groped for something on the bedside table.
59 Tomoyo's trembling hands unsheathed the small penknife as she brought
60 it back into her tear-blurred view. Her eyes closed, squeezing out
61 another tear.
62 <It's not okay!>
63 The sound of Tomoyo's own scream broke into her thoughts,
64 jolting her back to reality. A place to which she had no desire to
65 return any longer. She didn't need to open her eyes to feel the blood
66 trickling down her arm. Concentrating on the warm sensation, allowing
67 the darkness to encapsulate her senses, coccooning her within
68 herself.... as the initial stinging sensation faded, it began to feel
69 calming, almost.... comforting. Tomoyo wrapped her arms around
70 herself and huddled blindly into her pillows.
71 <Sakura-chan.....>
72 As if answering her silent call, the phone rang. Reluctantly,
73 almost tentatively, Tomoyo opened her eyes and released the pillow
74 she was hugging, reaching for the pink cellphone with clammy,
75 bloodstained fingers.
76 "M...moshi-moshi?" she half-whispered, her voice weak and shaky.
77 "Tomoyo-chan?" While she knew that only Sakura would ever call
78 her on this phone, the sound of her voice still made her heart jump
79 unexpectedly.
80 "...Hai......"
81 "I was just calling to see how you were..... Terada-sensei
82 said you weren't feeling too good......"
83 "......I'm okay......."
84 "You don't sound it, Tomoyo-chan.......... Do you want me to
85 come over?"
86 Tomoyo took a deep breath. "........Onegai............... if
87 it's not too much trouble.............."
88 Sakura laughed a little on the other end of the phone. "Of
89 course not, baka! Nothing's too much trouble for my best friend!"
90 ".......Arigatou..........."
91 "Okay, I'll be there right away. Ja ne..."
92 "......Ja ne." The line went dead as Sakura hung up.
93 For the ten minutes it took for Sakura to arrive, Tomoyo sat
94 cross-legged on the bed, motionless, her back to the door. She
95 clutched her left arm tightly to her chest, deep crimson fluid
96 soaking into her nightshirt, the pain now reduced to a dull throb. It
97 was in this state that Sakura found her.
98 "Tomoyo-chan.....?" Sakura's soft, inquiring voice floated
99 into her thoughts, at first a distant echo, a lingering echo of a
100 long-faded dream..... then gradually, the voice became clearer,
101 sharper, as though the one she dreamed of stood right by her
102 side.........
103 "Tomoyo-chan?"
104 Tomoyo's eyes flickered open to see Sakura's questioning face,
105 a mixture of concern and anxiety in those deep, all-encapsulating
106 green eyes.
107 "Tomoyo-chan, are you...." Sakura gasped a little as Tomoyo's
108 hand shifted, uncovering the stains on her shirt. "Tomoyo-chan!
109 You're hurt...."
110 Tomoyo whimpered a little as Sakura sat down beside her and
111 gently moved her arm away from her chest to examine the wound. "How
112 did......" Sakura began, stopping in her tracks when her gaze was
113 caught by the bloodied penknife that still lay on the bedclothes. Her
114 eyes turned back to Tomoyo's, green orbs of disbelief meeting greyish-
115 blue pools of fear. A single word escaped her lips. "Why.......?"
116 Tomoyo struggled to break the intensity of Sakura's gaze, but
117 failed. Slowly, her right hand opened to reveal the crumpled, tear-
118 stained picture she had been clutching the entire time. Sakura
119 glanced down at it, then back at Tomoyo, a blank look in her eyes. "I
120 don't understand, Tomoyo-chan...." Another tear silently slid down
121 Tomoyo's cheek, and Sakura absently wiped it away with her
122 fingertips, causing the dark-haired girl to shudder slightly at her
123 friend's tender touch.
124 "S...Sakura-chan....... I.......I......." Tomoyo's cheeks
125 reddened suddenly as the realisation of just how close Sakura was
126 dawned upon her. Suddenly dumbstruck, in a momentary lapse of
127 rational thought she leaned in closer to Sakura and briefly allowed
128 their lips to brush. <Surely... this will make her understand.....>
129 It did.
130 Sakura jumped back suddenly, her mind swirling with confusion
131 that quickly turned to dizzying realisation. <I love you a lot too,
132 Sakura....> She stared at Tomoyo, who returned the gaze, her eyes
133 threatening tears once more, pleading for acceptance. Sakura felt
134 tears sting her own eyes too as she realised that for the first time
135 in their lives there was nothing she could do to help her friend.
136 "I...... I'm sorry........... Tomoyo-chan.........." Her words barely
137 came out as a whisper, but they were clear enough to Tomoyo. Feeling
138 powerless to do anything else, Sakura turned and fled from the room.
139
140 ~~~
141
142 Too shaken by Tomoyo's unspoken revelation to return to school,
143 Sakura made her way towards Penguin Park in a haze. <A place where
144 Tomoyo and me spent so much time together....... will it ever be the
145 same?> She sat down heavily inside the great King Penguin that was
146 seemingly Tomoeda's primary landmark, leaning back against its inner
147 walls with an anguished sigh. It wasn't that this kind of thing
148 disgusted her.... it wasn't even that new to her, really. After all,
149 her brother and Yukito..... But somehow, Tomoyo's actions today had
150 changed things between them. The dark-haired girl was her best
151 friend, she had been since third grade, and Sakura couldn't imagine
152 what her life would be like without her, but... after today, she
153 thought, a sickening feeling growing in her stomach at the fact that
154 she could think of her best friend with such callousness, she wasn't
155 sure if she could ever feel comfortable around Tomoyo again. Not in
156 the same way.
157 "Hoeeee......."
158
159 ~~~
160
161 Tomoyo's eyes were fixated on the screen as she sat alone in her
162 video room, the almost stifling darkness illuminated only by the glow
163 of the projected image. The penknife dangled limply from her fingers,
164 crimson liquid flowing freely down the smooth blade from the deep
165 gashes in her wrists, seeming almost black in the half-light.
166 The on-screen Sakura smiled and waved, and Tomoyo couldn't
167 help but manage a wavering attempt at a smile in return.
168 <Arigatou, Sakura-chan...... for
169 everything.......................>
170 Sakura's image blurred and flickered as as a mixture of
171 sadness, pain and resignation brought new tears to her reddened eyes
172 once more. And as the last scenes of Tomoyo's home movie faded to
173 black, so did Tomoyo's world.... forever.
174
175 <"Thank you for all your tenderness....
176 Thank you for all your happiness....
177 Thank you for all your kindness....
178 Thank you for all your everything.............">
179
180 ~~~
181
182 Glossary of Japanese terms:
183 arigatou = thank you
184 -chan= affectionate suffix, used between friends, lovers, people who
185 are close
186 moshi-moshi = what the Japanese say when they answer the phone
187 hai = yes
188 -sensei = suffix used for teachers etc.
189 onegai = please
190 baka = silly, stupid, etc.
191 ja ne = see you later
192 hoeee = just Sakura's favourite little expression
193
194 Author's notes: Crying yet? ;_; Probably with tears of frustration
195 at how people such as me can be allowed to call themselves
196 writers..... Still, I had a go, can't say I didn't. I love S&T fluff
197 as much as the next shoujo-ai fan, it's true, but I don't think there
198 are enough fics out there that deal with the harsh reality - that,
199 while we all know Tomoyo loves Sakura, Sakura almost certainly would
200 not return her feelings... ;_; Also, this was inspired by real,
201 personal feelings, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't riff it no
202 matter how much you think it sucks. Thanks.... and if you liked, or
203 you didn't like, or you want to throw comments/criticism/whatevers my
204 way, email me at fenrirknight@hotmail.com. I promise to reply to all
205 non-flames.
206
207 Now go and read some fluff! ^_^
208
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