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1 By Luriko-Ysabeth
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2 iac@tangle.org
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3
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4 Frame: Pieces of Her Soul
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5
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6
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7 There are two things I have known since before I can remember.
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8
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9 Firstly, that I loved Kinomoto Sakura.
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10
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11 And secondly, that she would never care for me the way I did for her.
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12
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13
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14 One can grow accustomed to anything when one is a child, I hear, no
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15 matter how odd, no matter how painful.
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16
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17 And truly, it doesn't hurt that much, not now. Knowing that someday she
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18 will go to someone, probably some man, in whose arms she fits, whose
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19 house she graces, whose life she completes -- she deserves this, if it
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20 will make her happy. She deserves a wedding out of fairytales and a house
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21 out of dreams and a husband out of a maiden's longings, and a place in
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22 which her soul may fly as fast and as far as I know it can go.
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23
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24 (He had best be worthy of her, he had best make her happy, or -- he
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25 shall answer to me.)
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26
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27
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28 Maybe when my body changes and blossoms, and strange elixirs sing in my
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29 blood, it will be harder to remember this, as it was hard for my mother
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30 to understand it.
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31
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32 Mother... you never did understand, did you? You never forgave your
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33 cousin Nadeshiko for wedding a kind man and bearing *him* two children in
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34 whom there is a perfection.
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35
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36 Yes, two.
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37
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38 It... fits, doesn't it, that as Sonomi loved Nadeshiko, Sonomi's child
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39 should love Nadeshiko's children?
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40
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41 Yet, even beyond their differences, my feelings for the one are nowhere
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42 near as strong as for the other; even though there are reflections, each
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43 in each, there is just no comparison.
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44
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45 It is nothing to Touya's detriment. He is... earth, distilled and
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46 refined to all that earth is, a mingling of all five, protecting,
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47 guarding, warm under the sun, cool with the night, fertile ground for
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48 small lives, endlessly renewing itself even as it is endlessly worn away,
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49 enduring for long years harsh and soft by turns.
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50
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51 Earth, inexorably drawn to the moon by the forces of gravity, even as
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52 the moon is drawn to it and it is drawn to the sun...
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53
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54 It is no fault of earth that I chose to look up instead of down, and
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55 gave my heart to a distant star.
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56
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57
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58 Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that the star, just by burning
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59 as brightly and as gaily as it did, called my heart out of me.
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60
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61 It would have been... easier, had I wanted the earth. I might even have
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62 had it, if not all to myself.
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63
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64 But Sakura-chan is -- *Sakura*. There is nothing more beautiful or
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65 interesting to me, nothing that I would rather see. For just a moment of
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66 her in motion, limbs full of their own grace as she runs towards the
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67 goal... I would sell the whole earth for that to hold in my hands and
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68 call forth those feelings from my heart each time I gazed upon her, and
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69 count it well spent in the bargain.
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70
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71 And I have that, and a thousand others besides.
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72
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73 I love my mother dearly, but she can act foolish beyond measure. She
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74 loved Nadeshiko, perhaps even as I love Sakura-chan, and wanted nothing
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75 more than to be with her forever.
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76
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77 If Sakura-chan were to dwell in my house, eat at my board, sleep in my
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78 bed, then no one in all the world would be happier than I am.
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79
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80 But even now, I am happy.
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81
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82 When Nadeshiko married Kinomoto-san, my mother was hurt and jealous; I
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83 don't think she had ever thought that Nadeshiko might want someone else.
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84
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85 And because she was angry, she went away and never saw her again. Where
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86 is there sense in that? Where is there reason?
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87
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88 I like o-sushi. It is good to taste and filling to eat. But just because
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89 I cannot have o-sushi, shall I refuse to eat o-musubi? Shall I turn down
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90 chazuke? They, too, are filling to eat, and their taste is not bad.
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91
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92 Sakura-chan will offer the greater part of her soul into the keeping of
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93 some lucky other person, to hold and to nurture.
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94
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95 But that's all right. The sun is bright. Water is wet. Rocks are hard. I
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96 love Kinomoto Sakura. She will love someone else and be happy.
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97
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98 And I will be happy that she is happy.
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99
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100
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101 I don't think Mother ever quite understood that. We were vacationing
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102 once, on an island. I woke up very early one morning and went down to the
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103 beach as the sun was rising through the clouds. The water shone for a
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104 moment like silver and steel, and the clouds were all shot with pink and
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105 orange and mauve and gold, and the rocks curved down into the water as
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106 the gulls arced out beyond them and the breeze came salt-laden into my
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107 face -- that moment, just then, was perfect and eternal, and I was happy.
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108
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109
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110 (I tried to take a picture, but it couldn't hold it all and didn't come
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111 out that well anyway -- I wasn't as good then as I am now. It's all
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112 right; I can still remember most of it, and there have been other
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113 sunrises, even if they weren't the same.)
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114
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115 Much later, when my mother woke up, I told her how much I liked it
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116 there.
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117
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118 She offered to buy the house and probably the island as well, so I could
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119 keep the thing that made me so happy and come there whenever I really
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120 wanted to.
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121
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122 But you can't do that. You can't own a sunrise, or gulls in flight. Even
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123 if you lay claim to the place where they are. Even if you put a collar or
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124 something on the gulls -- even if you put them in a cage, you can't have
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125 the beauty of their soaring unless they give it to you (and I can't see
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126 how they could if they were in a cage, anyway).
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127
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128 So I thanked her, politely, and told her I would rather have a nicer
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129 camera and maybe some lessons in how to take better pictures.
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130
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131
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132 Many people, when they first encountered a camera, thought that it would
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133 steal someone's soul if it took a picture of them.
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134
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135 You can't do that, of course. Just one photograph, one frame of film, or
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136 even the entire strip cannot be enough for all of a person, in their good
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137 times and their bad times, with all their quirks and all their
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138 inconsistencies.
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139
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140 But you can, in one picture, capture a *facet* of them. Not all. Not
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141 everything. But a little piece, one solitary moment of what they are.
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142
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143 The more pieces, the more you can assemble something vaguely like a
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144 picture of the person they are.
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145
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146 And it isn't even stealing, any more than my blurry picture on the
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147 island stole the sun out of the sky. It's a record of a gift -- the gift
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148 that that person gave to the outside world, of what they were at that
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149 moment.
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150
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151 I have a picture, of Sakura-chan running, limbs full of their own grace
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152 as she runs towards the goal. A crystallized memory of how she looked as
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153 she was doing her best, for me and for all of us and especially for
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154 herself, that I can look at even when Sakura-chan is not around.
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155
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156 It's one of my favorites; I have many favorites, among all the pictures
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157 and movies I have taken of Sakura-chan.
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158
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159 Someone else will be the recipient of most of her soul, and she in turn
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160 will be given that person's soul to have in her keeping.
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161
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162 (I'm doing my best to help make sure that that person is someone who
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163 deserves that very great honor, and will make Sakura-chan happy.)
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164
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165 And when that happens... she won't have as much time to spend with me. I
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166 know that. I'm expecting it.
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167
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168 Love is infinite.
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169
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170 A soul is infinite.
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171
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172 Time in a day has a limit of 8, 6400 seconds, according to my
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173 calculator. And every one of those seconds is precious, and every one is
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174 no longer than it takes to say four syllables (five if you're quick).
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175
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176 So time is something you have to divide up. If you have to give time to
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177 your family, it needs to come from somewhere else... including your
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178 friends.
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179
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180 And even... even if she took the time from somewhere that wasn't me, my
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181 time with her will always be a gift, not a right.
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182
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183 But I'm not unhappy. I'm content -- after all, how many other people are
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184 there who don't know Sakura-chan at all? How many other people are there
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185 whose closest contact with her is to see her skate by once, on her way to
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186 wherever she's going?
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187
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188 I, however... I have a treasury of every piece of her soul that she has
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189 chosen to give me. Whether she's happy, whether she's angry, whether she
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190 is overtaken by surprise or sorrow; all of them are Sakura-chan, and thus
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191 all of them are beautiful.
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192
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193 And each image, a tiny facet in itself, brings back the memories and the
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194 feelings, and the way it was before and after and during -- sometimes, a
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195 moment so beautiful it hurt.
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196
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197 And even that other person... they won't have all of her. They won't
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198 share in many of these, any more than I'll share in many of their images,
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199 or either of us will share in most of Touya's pieces of Sakura-chan. Even
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200 beyond that, there are parts of Kinomoto Sakura that none other than
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201 herself shall ever see.
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202
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203 Any more than anyone ever saw some parts of Amamiya or Kinomoto
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204 Nadeshiko, as much as my mother wanted to. No one else can own all of a
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205 person.
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206
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207 So why should I be jealous of the person whom Sakura-chan will choose to
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208 love?
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209
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210 I, too, have pieces of her soul.
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