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[svn r3] moved all the bad stuff to 'old'
author rlm
date Fri, 19 Feb 2010 20:53:12 -0500
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rlm@2 1 By Luriko-Ysabeth
rlm@2 2 iac@tangle.org
rlm@2 3
rlm@2 4 Frame: Pieces of Her Soul
rlm@2 5
rlm@2 6
rlm@2 7 There are two things I have known since before I can remember.
rlm@2 8
rlm@2 9 Firstly, that I loved Kinomoto Sakura.
rlm@2 10
rlm@2 11 And secondly, that she would never care for me the way I did for her.
rlm@2 12
rlm@2 13
rlm@2 14 One can grow accustomed to anything when one is a child, I hear, no
rlm@2 15 matter how odd, no matter how painful.
rlm@2 16
rlm@2 17 And truly, it doesn't hurt that much, not now. Knowing that someday she
rlm@2 18 will go to someone, probably some man, in whose arms she fits, whose
rlm@2 19 house she graces, whose life she completes -- she deserves this, if it
rlm@2 20 will make her happy. She deserves a wedding out of fairytales and a house
rlm@2 21 out of dreams and a husband out of a maiden's longings, and a place in
rlm@2 22 which her soul may fly as fast and as far as I know it can go.
rlm@2 23
rlm@2 24 (He had best be worthy of her, he had best make her happy, or -- he
rlm@2 25 shall answer to me.)
rlm@2 26
rlm@2 27
rlm@2 28 Maybe when my body changes and blossoms, and strange elixirs sing in my
rlm@2 29 blood, it will be harder to remember this, as it was hard for my mother
rlm@2 30 to understand it.
rlm@2 31
rlm@2 32 Mother... you never did understand, did you? You never forgave your
rlm@2 33 cousin Nadeshiko for wedding a kind man and bearing *him* two children in
rlm@2 34 whom there is a perfection.
rlm@2 35
rlm@2 36 Yes, two.
rlm@2 37
rlm@2 38 It... fits, doesn't it, that as Sonomi loved Nadeshiko, Sonomi's child
rlm@2 39 should love Nadeshiko's children?
rlm@2 40
rlm@2 41 Yet, even beyond their differences, my feelings for the one are nowhere
rlm@2 42 near as strong as for the other; even though there are reflections, each
rlm@2 43 in each, there is just no comparison.
rlm@2 44
rlm@2 45 It is nothing to Touya's detriment. He is... earth, distilled and
rlm@2 46 refined to all that earth is, a mingling of all five, protecting,
rlm@2 47 guarding, warm under the sun, cool with the night, fertile ground for
rlm@2 48 small lives, endlessly renewing itself even as it is endlessly worn away,
rlm@2 49 enduring for long years harsh and soft by turns.
rlm@2 50
rlm@2 51 Earth, inexorably drawn to the moon by the forces of gravity, even as
rlm@2 52 the moon is drawn to it and it is drawn to the sun...
rlm@2 53
rlm@2 54 It is no fault of earth that I chose to look up instead of down, and
rlm@2 55 gave my heart to a distant star.
rlm@2 56
rlm@2 57
rlm@2 58 Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that the star, just by burning
rlm@2 59 as brightly and as gaily as it did, called my heart out of me.
rlm@2 60
rlm@2 61 It would have been... easier, had I wanted the earth. I might even have
rlm@2 62 had it, if not all to myself.
rlm@2 63
rlm@2 64 But Sakura-chan is -- *Sakura*. There is nothing more beautiful or
rlm@2 65 interesting to me, nothing that I would rather see. For just a moment of
rlm@2 66 her in motion, limbs full of their own grace as she runs towards the
rlm@2 67 goal... I would sell the whole earth for that to hold in my hands and
rlm@2 68 call forth those feelings from my heart each time I gazed upon her, and
rlm@2 69 count it well spent in the bargain.
rlm@2 70
rlm@2 71 And I have that, and a thousand others besides.
rlm@2 72
rlm@2 73 I love my mother dearly, but she can act foolish beyond measure. She
rlm@2 74 loved Nadeshiko, perhaps even as I love Sakura-chan, and wanted nothing
rlm@2 75 more than to be with her forever.
rlm@2 76
rlm@2 77 If Sakura-chan were to dwell in my house, eat at my board, sleep in my
rlm@2 78 bed, then no one in all the world would be happier than I am.
rlm@2 79
rlm@2 80 But even now, I am happy.
rlm@2 81
rlm@2 82 When Nadeshiko married Kinomoto-san, my mother was hurt and jealous; I
rlm@2 83 don't think she had ever thought that Nadeshiko might want someone else.
rlm@2 84
rlm@2 85 And because she was angry, she went away and never saw her again. Where
rlm@2 86 is there sense in that? Where is there reason?
rlm@2 87
rlm@2 88 I like o-sushi. It is good to taste and filling to eat. But just because
rlm@2 89 I cannot have o-sushi, shall I refuse to eat o-musubi? Shall I turn down
rlm@2 90 chazuke? They, too, are filling to eat, and their taste is not bad.
rlm@2 91
rlm@2 92 Sakura-chan will offer the greater part of her soul into the keeping of
rlm@2 93 some lucky other person, to hold and to nurture.
rlm@2 94
rlm@2 95 But that's all right. The sun is bright. Water is wet. Rocks are hard. I
rlm@2 96 love Kinomoto Sakura. She will love someone else and be happy.
rlm@2 97
rlm@2 98 And I will be happy that she is happy.
rlm@2 99
rlm@2 100
rlm@2 101 I don't think Mother ever quite understood that. We were vacationing
rlm@2 102 once, on an island. I woke up very early one morning and went down to the
rlm@2 103 beach as the sun was rising through the clouds. The water shone for a
rlm@2 104 moment like silver and steel, and the clouds were all shot with pink and
rlm@2 105 orange and mauve and gold, and the rocks curved down into the water as
rlm@2 106 the gulls arced out beyond them and the breeze came salt-laden into my
rlm@2 107 face -- that moment, just then, was perfect and eternal, and I was happy.
rlm@2 108
rlm@2 109
rlm@2 110 (I tried to take a picture, but it couldn't hold it all and didn't come
rlm@2 111 out that well anyway -- I wasn't as good then as I am now. It's all
rlm@2 112 right; I can still remember most of it, and there have been other
rlm@2 113 sunrises, even if they weren't the same.)
rlm@2 114
rlm@2 115 Much later, when my mother woke up, I told her how much I liked it
rlm@2 116 there.
rlm@2 117
rlm@2 118 She offered to buy the house and probably the island as well, so I could
rlm@2 119 keep the thing that made me so happy and come there whenever I really
rlm@2 120 wanted to.
rlm@2 121
rlm@2 122 But you can't do that. You can't own a sunrise, or gulls in flight. Even
rlm@2 123 if you lay claim to the place where they are. Even if you put a collar or
rlm@2 124 something on the gulls -- even if you put them in a cage, you can't have
rlm@2 125 the beauty of their soaring unless they give it to you (and I can't see
rlm@2 126 how they could if they were in a cage, anyway).
rlm@2 127
rlm@2 128 So I thanked her, politely, and told her I would rather have a nicer
rlm@2 129 camera and maybe some lessons in how to take better pictures.
rlm@2 130
rlm@2 131
rlm@2 132 Many people, when they first encountered a camera, thought that it would
rlm@2 133 steal someone's soul if it took a picture of them.
rlm@2 134
rlm@2 135 You can't do that, of course. Just one photograph, one frame of film, or
rlm@2 136 even the entire strip cannot be enough for all of a person, in their good
rlm@2 137 times and their bad times, with all their quirks and all their
rlm@2 138 inconsistencies.
rlm@2 139
rlm@2 140 But you can, in one picture, capture a *facet* of them. Not all. Not
rlm@2 141 everything. But a little piece, one solitary moment of what they are.
rlm@2 142
rlm@2 143 The more pieces, the more you can assemble something vaguely like a
rlm@2 144 picture of the person they are.
rlm@2 145
rlm@2 146 And it isn't even stealing, any more than my blurry picture on the
rlm@2 147 island stole the sun out of the sky. It's a record of a gift -- the gift
rlm@2 148 that that person gave to the outside world, of what they were at that
rlm@2 149 moment.
rlm@2 150
rlm@2 151 I have a picture, of Sakura-chan running, limbs full of their own grace
rlm@2 152 as she runs towards the goal. A crystallized memory of how she looked as
rlm@2 153 she was doing her best, for me and for all of us and especially for
rlm@2 154 herself, that I can look at even when Sakura-chan is not around.
rlm@2 155
rlm@2 156 It's one of my favorites; I have many favorites, among all the pictures
rlm@2 157 and movies I have taken of Sakura-chan.
rlm@2 158
rlm@2 159 Someone else will be the recipient of most of her soul, and she in turn
rlm@2 160 will be given that person's soul to have in her keeping.
rlm@2 161
rlm@2 162 (I'm doing my best to help make sure that that person is someone who
rlm@2 163 deserves that very great honor, and will make Sakura-chan happy.)
rlm@2 164
rlm@2 165 And when that happens... she won't have as much time to spend with me. I
rlm@2 166 know that. I'm expecting it.
rlm@2 167
rlm@2 168 Love is infinite.
rlm@2 169
rlm@2 170 A soul is infinite.
rlm@2 171
rlm@2 172 Time in a day has a limit of 8, 6400 seconds, according to my
rlm@2 173 calculator. And every one of those seconds is precious, and every one is
rlm@2 174 no longer than it takes to say four syllables (five if you're quick).
rlm@2 175
rlm@2 176 So time is something you have to divide up. If you have to give time to
rlm@2 177 your family, it needs to come from somewhere else... including your
rlm@2 178 friends.
rlm@2 179
rlm@2 180 And even... even if she took the time from somewhere that wasn't me, my
rlm@2 181 time with her will always be a gift, not a right.
rlm@2 182
rlm@2 183 But I'm not unhappy. I'm content -- after all, how many other people are
rlm@2 184 there who don't know Sakura-chan at all? How many other people are there
rlm@2 185 whose closest contact with her is to see her skate by once, on her way to
rlm@2 186 wherever she's going?
rlm@2 187
rlm@2 188 I, however... I have a treasury of every piece of her soul that she has
rlm@2 189 chosen to give me. Whether she's happy, whether she's angry, whether she
rlm@2 190 is overtaken by surprise or sorrow; all of them are Sakura-chan, and thus
rlm@2 191 all of them are beautiful.
rlm@2 192
rlm@2 193 And each image, a tiny facet in itself, brings back the memories and the
rlm@2 194 feelings, and the way it was before and after and during -- sometimes, a
rlm@2 195 moment so beautiful it hurt.
rlm@2 196
rlm@2 197 And even that other person... they won't have all of her. They won't
rlm@2 198 share in many of these, any more than I'll share in many of their images,
rlm@2 199 or either of us will share in most of Touya's pieces of Sakura-chan. Even
rlm@2 200 beyond that, there are parts of Kinomoto Sakura that none other than
rlm@2 201 herself shall ever see.
rlm@2 202
rlm@2 203 Any more than anyone ever saw some parts of Amamiya or Kinomoto
rlm@2 204 Nadeshiko, as much as my mother wanted to. No one else can own all of a
rlm@2 205 person.
rlm@2 206
rlm@2 207 So why should I be jealous of the person whom Sakura-chan will choose to
rlm@2 208 love?
rlm@2 209
rlm@2 210 I, too, have pieces of her soul.