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1 Disclaimer: Me again. I suddenly got in a writing mood, so here it
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2 is! Please note that I do not own any copyrighted items. I hope you
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3 all enjoy it. ~.^ ~~Forever3330~~ ^.~
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4
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5 Thoughts
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6 By Forever3330
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7 kawaiimotoko@hotmail.com
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8
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9 Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it. Sitting on the sidelines,
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10 holding everything swirling around in me back, building wall upon
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11 wall around my true heart, trying to lock it away, all so that I can
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12 give her, to the best of my ability, what she deserves. Someone who
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13 loves her, who can protect her and her precious heart, who can help
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14 her to shine more brightly then she already does, who can give her a
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15 life. A marriage, a family, a reason to live.
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16 My treacherous heart is torn in two; I love her! I can protect her!
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17 I can help her shine more brightly! But when it comes to the last, I
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18 stop. Everything simply grows cold and I force a smile, just from
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19 habit, as I feel the familiar despair and reason wash over me. I
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20 can’t give her a life. Not a marriage, not a family. And how, how
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21 could I possibly give her a reason to live, when I couldn’t do those
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22 simple things?
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23 And so I cry tears that aren’t tears. They don’t exist, they don’t
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24 cause me to cry out in grief; because they don’t exist in the world
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25 where you can see and feel them. They only exist within me, as I cry
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26 my way through eternity. But why do I do such a thing?
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27 A simple answer, I suppose. I do it for her. For her happiness. For
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28 her heart. It’s the only path I can see. It’s the only path there is.
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29 I would do anything for her; but that leaves me trapped, in a prison
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30 I helped to make.
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31 I can’t leave. That would only hurt her. I can’t. I can’t stay;
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32 that only causes me to die further inside of myself, pulling back,
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33 only barely remembering to wear my smiling mask. But I have to stay.
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34 I can’t hurt her. If I would truly do anything for her, then surely I
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35 can do so simple a thing as be there through all the pain. No matter
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36 what. Even if I eventually kill my own heart in the effort of trying
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37 to stay, to not hurt the heart I treasure above all others.
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38 But I’m starting to wonder if that isn’t true. I’m beginning to be
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39 unable to feel anything but the emotions I have for her, and the
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40 emotions that I stand for her. Despair, loneliness, hope, love, and
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41 endless longing, those too many to name, and worst of all reason. Is
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42 reason even an emotion? Whatever it is, it is by far the worst thing
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43 to have.
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44 Or the best.
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45 Without reason, wouldn’t I have ruined the life I’m so carefully
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46 trying to build for her? Wouldn’t I have lost any chance of her
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47 happiness? Wouldn’t she hate me?
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48 Most people would hate me, I’m sure. For something I can’t help,
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49 something I never asked for, never meant to fall into…and I could do
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50 nothing about it. As long as I wear my masks at least I can be near
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51 her.
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52 I wish it would stop. The confusion, all of it. Every emotion that
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53 swirls through me, the life I don’t want to live that I do want to
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54 live. It would be easy to stop it all. But I can’t. My prison seems
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55 to grow into something I can’t escape more and more as my desire to
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56 escape it grows. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I wish…
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57 The last word I hear echoing through my mind, as everything quiets,
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58 letting me rest, is ‘why’. Why? Why? Why…
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59 Why does anything happen? I don’t really know. I don’t know
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60 anything at all, in a way. Does anyone know everything? If someone
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61 does, could they come and explain to me once more why? Can they
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62 explain that stupid, silly word that always ends my battles within
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63 this prison?
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64 Can they explain why?
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65 I don’t want this. I don’t want to be forever wandering though this
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66 dark place. I don’t want any of it. I don’t…
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67 But I do.
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68 I want the small, treasured moments where I have the light she
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69 gives me. The light that eases the pain away, that forces the
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70 darkness and the prison back. Sometimes the light makes me want to
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71 break my masks. Sometimes it helps me to fix them, and reminds me why
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72 I do any of this at all. But mostly the light leaves me with the
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73 smallest, weakest hope. The most hope I can manage. The hope that
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74 someday…someday…
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75 I don’t really know.
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76 The hope that she’ll save me, I guess. That’s silly, I know…you
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77 have to save yourself. No one saves you. No one can, when you’re so
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78 close to invisible as I am. But how am I to save myself when it takes
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79 all my strength to keep alive? It takes all of me to show that smile
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80 I have to give, to make them all think I’m okay. I’m always okay. I
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81 have to be. If I show that I’m not, I could break it all…she can’t
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82 worry about me. I can’t have that.
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83 I can’t really think anymore. I’m broken, I think. Broken. I don’t
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84 think I can be fixed by anything but the one thing I can’t have.
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85 Absurd, isn’t it? That I can’t find the strength to save myself, but
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86 I can find it in me to save others from all that I feel? That I can
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87 only mask everything that goes through my mind? That I can’t ever
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88 really show all of myself, let the masks drop, let anyone, least of
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89 all her, stare straight into my eyes and see in one glimpse
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90 everything that I have to hide?
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91 All I can think right now it nothing, really. It’s simply an empty
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92 void. I’m running out of emotions and thoughts. All but those that I
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93 seem to be cursed with for the rest of my life. I must have an
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94 endless supply of those; that or she hands them all to me, without
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95 noticing. You’d think she’d notice. How can she simply pull something
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96 out without realizing it?
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97 But that’s one of the things I like about her. She’s too innocent
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98 to understand the workings of the heart, or of emotions themselves.
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99 She just needs a few pushes in the right direction sometimes.
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100 But how can I know the right direction?
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101 I think she’s fallen for him, though. It’s not that hard to see. If
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102 only they would move far, far away, so that it could all end. So that
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103 I could make my disappearing act with her none the wiser. But no; she
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104 can’t leave her home. Her friends, her family. Me. And I haven’t the
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105 slightest idea why.
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106 No matter what I say I still can’t convince her that it’s for the
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107 best.
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108 And so I sit here on a swing in the park, arguing with myself,
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109 unconsciously smiling out of habit. Smiling when I feel like crying.
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110 For once it would be nice to cry. But I wonder if I can cry. I used
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111 to cry myself to sleep, a long time ago. I don’t think I have any of
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112 the tears that people would refer to as real left. I think I’m too
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113 far gone for that. To let it all go and simply cry. To sob. To wail.
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114 To bemoan your fate.
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115 Perhaps I’m slightly insane to think that wonderful, but surely it
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116 is better then this battle I hold within myself. I want them out. All
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117 the painful emotions. But not the love or the hope. The love is
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118 something that wouldn’t go away if I wanted it to. And the hope at
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119 least gives me something to grasp. A rope thrown down into the hole
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120 I’ve dug myself, beckoning for me to try to climb it, a little. A
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121 rope that taunts with the thought that someone might descend to help
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122 me up, or pull the rope back up with me attached.
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123 I know that the thought I keep trying to obliterate has to do with
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124 that hope. The hope that it will be her who saves me; the hope that I
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125 will be saved at all. Why would she save me?
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126 She doesn’t even know that I need to be saved.
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