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1 Arigatou
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2 by Riesz Fenrir
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3
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4 Disclaimer: I don't own CLAMP or Card Captor Sakura. In fact, CLAMP
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5 and Card Captor Sakura own me. They own you too, admit it. ^_^
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6
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7 This is the first fanfic I've ever written, about any series, so
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8 please don't flame me too hard for it. ^_^; Die-hard fans may well be
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9 able to find some inaccuracies, since I've not seen that much of
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10 ::cough:: "Cardcaptors" and even less of CCS itself. In fact, this is
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11 largely based on the manga, which I have a lot more of (plus it's
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12 cuter ^_^). Oh, and a warning: this is angst, pure and simple. Don't
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13 expect happy endings.
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14
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15 Stuff in <angle brackets> = thoughts.
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16
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17
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18
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19 ~~~
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20
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21 <"You don't know just how much.... I love you, Sakura.">
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22
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23 Tomoyo sat on the bed in the middle of her expansive,
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24 exquisitely-decorated quarters at the Daidouji mansion. Not that one
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25 would be able to tell from a glance around the room that intricately-
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26 patterned magnolia wallpaper, or indeed anything at all, lay behind
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27 the countless photographs of Sakura that covered the walls ceiling to
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28 floor. One more rested in Tomoyo's hands as she gazed absently out of
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29 the window towards Tomoeda Elementary.
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30 <Morning classes will be nearly over by now....> Tomoyo knew
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31 she ought to be at school too, but over these past few weeks, it
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32 seemed, Sakura and Syaoran had been getting closer. A *lot* closer.
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33 Tomoyo sighed. What was her problem anyway? She had always said she'd
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34 be happy if Sakura was happy. And Syaoran did make Sakura happy....
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35 which was the one thing that tore Tomoyo's heart to shreds. Seeing
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36 them together like that.... holding hands, laughing...... <like we
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37 used to be.....>
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38 So here she was, alone in her room, pretending to be too sick
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39 to go. <It's the truth, anyway.... only the sickness is in my heart.
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40 I just didn't think I could face another day of living my life this
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41 way.... putting on that same smile, pretending everything's
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42 okay........>
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43 Tomoyo's gaze returned to the picture in her hand.
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44 <It's not okay......>
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45 Most of the pictures that lined Tomoyo's walls were of Sakura
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46 as only Tomoyo knew her; as the Card Captor, the defender of Tomoeda
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47 from the Clow Cards' evil...... but this, this was just everday,
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48 ordinary Sakura, smiling as she made her way to school. Only there
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49 had never been anything "everyday" or "ordinary" about Sakura. She
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50 was perfection itself..... the touch of her smooth, soft, lightly-
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51 tanned skin..... the way the light danced in those intense, emerald-
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52 green eyes when she smiled..... the sweet scent of her short auburn
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53 hair..... the gentleness of her voice.... all things that could melt
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54 Tomoyo in a heartbeat.
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55 <It's not okay......>
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56 A single hot tear slid down Tomoyo's cheek and fell onto the
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57 photograph. Her hand, seemingly independent of her conscious mind,
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58 reached behind her and groped for something on the bedside table.
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59 Tomoyo's trembling hands unsheathed the small penknife as she brought
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60 it back into her tear-blurred view. Her eyes closed, squeezing out
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61 another tear.
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62 <It's not okay!>
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63 The sound of Tomoyo's own scream broke into her thoughts,
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64 jolting her back to reality. A place to which she had no desire to
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65 return any longer. She didn't need to open her eyes to feel the blood
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66 trickling down her arm. Concentrating on the warm sensation, allowing
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67 the darkness to encapsulate her senses, coccooning her within
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68 herself.... as the initial stinging sensation faded, it began to feel
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69 calming, almost.... comforting. Tomoyo wrapped her arms around
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70 herself and huddled blindly into her pillows.
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71 <Sakura-chan.....>
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72 As if answering her silent call, the phone rang. Reluctantly,
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73 almost tentatively, Tomoyo opened her eyes and released the pillow
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74 she was hugging, reaching for the pink cellphone with clammy,
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75 bloodstained fingers.
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76 "M...moshi-moshi?" she half-whispered, her voice weak and shaky.
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77 "Tomoyo-chan?" While she knew that only Sakura would ever call
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78 her on this phone, the sound of her voice still made her heart jump
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79 unexpectedly.
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80 "...Hai......"
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81 "I was just calling to see how you were..... Terada-sensei
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82 said you weren't feeling too good......"
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83 "......I'm okay......."
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84 "You don't sound it, Tomoyo-chan.......... Do you want me to
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85 come over?"
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86 Tomoyo took a deep breath. "........Onegai............... if
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87 it's not too much trouble.............."
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88 Sakura laughed a little on the other end of the phone. "Of
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89 course not, baka! Nothing's too much trouble for my best friend!"
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90 ".......Arigatou..........."
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91 "Okay, I'll be there right away. Ja ne..."
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92 "......Ja ne." The line went dead as Sakura hung up.
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93 For the ten minutes it took for Sakura to arrive, Tomoyo sat
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94 cross-legged on the bed, motionless, her back to the door. She
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95 clutched her left arm tightly to her chest, deep crimson fluid
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96 soaking into her nightshirt, the pain now reduced to a dull throb. It
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97 was in this state that Sakura found her.
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98 "Tomoyo-chan.....?" Sakura's soft, inquiring voice floated
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99 into her thoughts, at first a distant echo, a lingering echo of a
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100 long-faded dream..... then gradually, the voice became clearer,
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101 sharper, as though the one she dreamed of stood right by her
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102 side.........
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103 "Tomoyo-chan?"
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104 Tomoyo's eyes flickered open to see Sakura's questioning face,
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105 a mixture of concern and anxiety in those deep, all-encapsulating
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106 green eyes.
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107 "Tomoyo-chan, are you...." Sakura gasped a little as Tomoyo's
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108 hand shifted, uncovering the stains on her shirt. "Tomoyo-chan!
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109 You're hurt...."
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110 Tomoyo whimpered a little as Sakura sat down beside her and
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111 gently moved her arm away from her chest to examine the wound. "How
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112 did......" Sakura began, stopping in her tracks when her gaze was
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113 caught by the bloodied penknife that still lay on the bedclothes. Her
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114 eyes turned back to Tomoyo's, green orbs of disbelief meeting greyish-
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115 blue pools of fear. A single word escaped her lips. "Why.......?"
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116 Tomoyo struggled to break the intensity of Sakura's gaze, but
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117 failed. Slowly, her right hand opened to reveal the crumpled, tear-
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118 stained picture she had been clutching the entire time. Sakura
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119 glanced down at it, then back at Tomoyo, a blank look in her eyes. "I
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120 don't understand, Tomoyo-chan...." Another tear silently slid down
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121 Tomoyo's cheek, and Sakura absently wiped it away with her
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122 fingertips, causing the dark-haired girl to shudder slightly at her
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123 friend's tender touch.
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124 "S...Sakura-chan....... I.......I......." Tomoyo's cheeks
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125 reddened suddenly as the realisation of just how close Sakura was
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126 dawned upon her. Suddenly dumbstruck, in a momentary lapse of
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127 rational thought she leaned in closer to Sakura and briefly allowed
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128 their lips to brush. <Surely... this will make her understand.....>
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129 It did.
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130 Sakura jumped back suddenly, her mind swirling with confusion
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131 that quickly turned to dizzying realisation. <I love you a lot too,
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132 Sakura....> She stared at Tomoyo, who returned the gaze, her eyes
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133 threatening tears once more, pleading for acceptance. Sakura felt
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134 tears sting her own eyes too as she realised that for the first time
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135 in their lives there was nothing she could do to help her friend.
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136 "I...... I'm sorry........... Tomoyo-chan.........." Her words barely
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137 came out as a whisper, but they were clear enough to Tomoyo. Feeling
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138 powerless to do anything else, Sakura turned and fled from the room.
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139
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140 ~~~
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141
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142 Too shaken by Tomoyo's unspoken revelation to return to school,
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143 Sakura made her way towards Penguin Park in a haze. <A place where
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144 Tomoyo and me spent so much time together....... will it ever be the
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145 same?> She sat down heavily inside the great King Penguin that was
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146 seemingly Tomoeda's primary landmark, leaning back against its inner
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147 walls with an anguished sigh. It wasn't that this kind of thing
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148 disgusted her.... it wasn't even that new to her, really. After all,
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149 her brother and Yukito..... But somehow, Tomoyo's actions today had
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150 changed things between them. The dark-haired girl was her best
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151 friend, she had been since third grade, and Sakura couldn't imagine
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152 what her life would be like without her, but... after today, she
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153 thought, a sickening feeling growing in her stomach at the fact that
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154 she could think of her best friend with such callousness, she wasn't
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155 sure if she could ever feel comfortable around Tomoyo again. Not in
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156 the same way.
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157 "Hoeeee......."
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158
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159 ~~~
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160
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161 Tomoyo's eyes were fixated on the screen as she sat alone in her
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162 video room, the almost stifling darkness illuminated only by the glow
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163 of the projected image. The penknife dangled limply from her fingers,
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164 crimson liquid flowing freely down the smooth blade from the deep
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165 gashes in her wrists, seeming almost black in the half-light.
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166 The on-screen Sakura smiled and waved, and Tomoyo couldn't
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167 help but manage a wavering attempt at a smile in return.
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168 <Arigatou, Sakura-chan...... for
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169 everything.......................>
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170 Sakura's image blurred and flickered as as a mixture of
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171 sadness, pain and resignation brought new tears to her reddened eyes
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172 once more. And as the last scenes of Tomoyo's home movie faded to
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173 black, so did Tomoyo's world.... forever.
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174
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175 <"Thank you for all your tenderness....
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176 Thank you for all your happiness....
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177 Thank you for all your kindness....
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178 Thank you for all your everything.............">
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179
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180 ~~~
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181
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182 Glossary of Japanese terms:
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183 arigatou = thank you
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184 -chan= affectionate suffix, used between friends, lovers, people who
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185 are close
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186 moshi-moshi = what the Japanese say when they answer the phone
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187 hai = yes
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188 -sensei = suffix used for teachers etc.
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189 onegai = please
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190 baka = silly, stupid, etc.
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191 ja ne = see you later
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192 hoeee = just Sakura's favourite little expression
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193
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194 Author's notes: Crying yet? ;_; Probably with tears of frustration
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195 at how people such as me can be allowed to call themselves
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196 writers..... Still, I had a go, can't say I didn't. I love S&T fluff
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197 as much as the next shoujo-ai fan, it's true, but I don't think there
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198 are enough fics out there that deal with the harsh reality - that,
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199 while we all know Tomoyo loves Sakura, Sakura almost certainly would
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200 not return her feelings... ;_; Also, this was inspired by real,
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201 personal feelings, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't riff it no
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202 matter how much you think it sucks. Thanks.... and if you liked, or
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203 you didn't like, or you want to throw comments/criticism/whatevers my
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204 way, email me at fenrirknight@hotmail.com. I promise to reply to all
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205 non-flames.
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206
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207 Now go and read some fluff! ^_^
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208
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209
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