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1 Kiss Your Tears Away
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2 by Amazoness Duo
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3 amazonessduo@hotmail.com
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4
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5 “You wanted to see me, Syaoran?” I ask, letting the door fall shut
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6 behind me. The afternoon sun hangs lazily in the air above, a
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7 wonderful backdrop to the Chinese boy. He’s leaning against the chain
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8 link fence that surrounds the school roof. I smile at him. As usual,
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9 it’s kind of hard for me to tell what he’s feeling or what he’s
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10 thinking. But that’s okay. I have a hard enough time knowing how I’m
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11 feeling half the time.
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12
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13 I walk over to him, my hands held behind my back. My heart flutters
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14 nervously in my chest. I try to pay attention to every little
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15 movement I make. For being as athletic as I am, I’m still clumsier
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16 than anyone else I know. It always happens when I’m distracted. Which
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17 I definitely am right now. Syaoran returned from China a few weeks
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18 ago. I still don’t know where that leaves us. I’ve been too shy to
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19 ask him what we are now, if he’ll be my boyfriend, or any of it. I
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20 blush as these thoughts swirl around my head like my Sakura Cards.
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21 Can he tell I’m blushing? Does he know what I’m thinking? Is this it?
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22 Will he finally tell me how he feels? In a way, I’ve been waiting for
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23 years for this moment. Ever since he left. And now that it’s here, I
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24 feel faint, anxious. I hold my heart, trying to keep the beating in.
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25
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26 He pushes off of the fence, taking a step forward. He’s looking
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27 forward at the doorway I came through. He was always shy. I guess he
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28 still hasn’t gotten over that. He can’t even look at me. But then,
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29 who am I to talk? I’ve always been really shy myself. Half the time I
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30 need Tomoyo-chan to push me forward enough to do anything
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31 embarrassing. Which makes this so nerve wracking with the both of us.
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32 Neither of us knows what to say, what to do.
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33
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34 “I’m going back to China,” Syaoran finally says, his hands in his
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35 pockets. He says it like it’s not a big thing. Like it’s just one of
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36 those things that happen. Something simple like the weather. Not
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37 important in the least.
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38
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39 I can only stare at his back, my hands balled up against myself. I’m
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40 terrified at his words. Back? He’s going back? But he can’t go back.
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41 He just got here! I waited the past few years to see him again and
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42 now he’s leaving? Don’t I get some sort of explanation? Something?
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43 Please? Tears burn in my eyes. My mouth opens and closes, nothing but
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44 an injured whimper coming out. I shake my head. My heart races. I
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45 feel like if I don’t say something now, I’ll never have the chance
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46 again. Like he’ll disappear before I even have a chance to say
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47 anything.
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48
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49 He takes another step forward, towards the door. He’s not good at
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50 these things either. He was never good at his emotions. But now I
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51 can’t tell what he’s feeling at all. Is he leaving on his own? Is his
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52 mother forcing him? Will he come back to me? Will I be left waiting
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53 again?
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54
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55 “Why?” I ask at last, my voice wavering. I can’t even see him
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56 clearly anymore. He’s just a watery outline. I blink and blink and
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57 blink, but the tears won’t go away. My mind races back to when he had
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58 told me that he liked me for the first time. To when he had to go
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59 back home to China. To the teddy bear I gave him so that he’d
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60 remember me. Does he still have it? I ask myself, my mind jumping
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61 about randomly. I’m spiraling. Please, someone catch me. I’ve lost my
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62 footing and I’m tumbling. The world’s spinning around me and I’m too
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63 scared to open my eyes.
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64
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65 “I came back to tell you that I’m engaged. I’ll be marrying Meiling
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66 in a few years,” he states after a moment. His voice is it’s usual
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67 harsh self. As if he can handle anger and frustration better than
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68 anything else. To keep it all away.
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69
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70 Engaged? My eyes shoot open, though I still can’t see anything but
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71 colors and shapes bleeding together through my tears. The word hits
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72 me like a rock thrown through a window. Cracked and splintered, the
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73 pieces of my heart crumble to the floor around my feet. He came back
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74 to tell me he was engaged? All this week I’ve been blushing and
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75 waiting for him to ask me out, to be with him, and he’s already
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76 engaged?
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77
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78 I’m an idiot. How could I be so dense? Whatever had been between us
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79 was gone. I should have seen it. But I can be so dense. I just kept
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80 thinking that after all of this time, he’d have come back to me. Like
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81 a fairy tale. But he can’t be my prince. He’s been trying to tell me
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82 this whole time. All of those awkward pauses when I’d talk to him,
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83 all of the times when he wouldn’t return my gaze. And I hadn’t
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84 suspected in the least. Tears spill down my cheeks, dripping down my
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85 chin.
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86
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87 I smile shakily, tears still streaming down my face. “Tell
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88 Meiling... that I’m very happy for her...” Why do I feel like Tomoyo
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89 right now? I see her smiling brightly in my mind, my image
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90 superimposed over hers. Whatever the reason, I try to give him my
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91 blessing, whether or not he’ll accept it. Why not? What else can I
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92 do? If he loves her, then there’s nothing I can do about it. You
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93 can’t make someone love you.
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94
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95 Syaoran nods once, swallowing. He pauses for a moment, as if
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96 contemplating something. After a second that stretches on into the
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97 distance, he walks to the door. I don’t even see him leave. My eyes
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98 are shut too tightly. I hear the door slam and it wedges splinters
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99 into my heart. There goes my chance. Everything I wanted to say to
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100 him, everything I should have said to him, I’ve lost my chance. He’s
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101 gone. I want for all the world to reach out and stop him, but I know
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102 I can’t. It’s funny. I’m the world’s most powerful mage and yet right
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103 now I feel so incredibly weak and fragile. A weak breeze could
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104 shatter me and scatter me about into the wind.
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105
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106 I collapse against the fence, sobbing bitterly. I want to wrench my
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107 heart out, to hold out the torn up object as far away from me as I
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108 can. Anything to stop this sick, sinking feeling that pulls me
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109 further and further down. I just want it to stop. How could this have
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110 happened? Ever since he left, I had been waiting for the day we would
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111 be together again, for when he would return to me. But it wasn’t
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112 supposed to be like this! It was never supposed to be like this.
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113
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114 My face convulses in the hideous image of crying. I feel ashamed
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115 each time my face does that, each time my lips curl and my eyes
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116 squeeze shut. And that makes me cry harder. ‘Crying never solves
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117 anything,’ I hear him say. He had always said that when I’d wind up
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118 crying. He tried to make me look for a solution. To do something
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119 rather than cry over it. But there’s no solution right now. And I’m
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120 too tired to look, my weary soul wanting to retreat and cover its
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121 wounds. I can only cry.
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122
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123 Turning against the fence, clinging to it for support, I see him
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124 walking away from school. She’s waiting for him, near a limousine.
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125 His bride to be. The girl he loves. Everything I thought I wanted to
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126 be. And now never would. I watch through a blurry haze of tears as he
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127 kisses her.
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128
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129 My heart rolls about like a boat caught in a tsunami. One of my
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130 hands rests on my chest as if I’m trying to hold my heart in, so it
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131 won’t fall out and shatter on the floor. But even if it did fall out,
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132 even if it shattered into a million tiny pieces, I know she would
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133 gently pick up every tiny fragment and piece it all back together. No
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134 matter how long it took. No matter how bloody her fingers would get
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135 from picking up the countless jagged shards. And she would do it all
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136 with that same loving smile she always gives me. The same warm smile
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137 she’s giving me right now, that motherly, unconditionally loving
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138 smile that soothes my soul the same way that my mother’s fingers
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139 through my hair used to when I was a child. “I thought he liked me,”
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140 I whisper tearfully, my voice breaking. I didn’t even see her get
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141 here. Didn’t hear her footsteps. Yet here she is. My guardian angel.
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142
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143 Tomoyo reaches out, taking my hand gently in her own. Her fingers
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144 entwine with my own, her palm warm against mine. “Love does
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145 unexpected things sometimes,” she replies in her soft, musical voice.
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146 “We don’t choose who we fall in love with. And sometimes the one we
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147 love can’t love us back.” Her other hand lovingly strokes over mine
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148 as she holds it. She’s watching me through her stormy blue eyes even
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149 as I watch Syaoran disappear into the limousine. Of course. Because
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150 he’s not what matters to her. She only wants to make things better
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151 for me. To her, I’m the important part of all of this. I still can’t
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152 understand how she sees me that way. How I could be that important to
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153 her. She’s the best friend I could ever hope for.
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154
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155 I break down, crying harder. It’s strange. It was bad when I was
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156 alone, but now that she’s here, I feel like a floodgate’s been opened
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157 and everything is pouring out. I cling to her, nearly knocking her
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158 over. I hold her tightly, tight enough to leave bruises on her
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159 delicate, pale skin. But she doesn’t complain. She never complains.
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160 She simply holds me, stroking my hair with her lithe fingers. And I
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161 sob into her shoulder, my tears soaking the fabric of her school
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162 blouse. My body shudders against hers, my face burying against her.
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163 “Why?” I choke out, my voice muffled through the cloth.
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164
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165 She rests her head against mine, her long, dark hair falling against
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166 me. “I don’t know, Sakura-chan...” she whispers, her voice sounding
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167 so tiny and fragile. “I wish I did.” She turns, kissing my forehead,
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168 her stormy blue eyes shut. That thought scares me more than anything
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169 else that’s happened today. Tomoyo-chan is the most insightful person
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170 I know. She’s always known so much. Especially about people’s hearts.
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171 And yet even she couldn’t give me an answer now. She’s met this
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172 before. With her own mother. With herself and that person she loves
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173 but can’t tell. Now with me. It doesn’t seem fair. “If I knew, I
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174 would do everything I could to make sure it never happened to you
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175 again,” Tomoyo promises me, rubbing my back, her fingers trailing up
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176 and down my spine as she tries to soothe my shaking body.
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177
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178 “Tomoyo-chan,” I whimper, hanging from her. I don’t even have the
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179 strength to stand on my own. I feel so drained. Chains drag me down,
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180 pulling me further and further. She’s my only safe haven. I dread the
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181 thought of leaving her embrace, of having to deal with all of this on
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182 my own again. I hold on tighter, not wanting to let go, ever. “I’m
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183 sorry, Tomoyo-chan... I shouldn’t be crying like this... Crying never
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184 fixes anything...” I’ve learned that much, at least, right? So why
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185 can’t I stop these tears from coming?
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186
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187 Her hands caress my tear stained cheeks, lifting my gaze up to meet
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188 her own. Her stormy blue eyes look directly into me, past everything
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189 to my soul deep inside, as if she can see everything I am. I can’t
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190 look away, her eyes holding me in place. “Don’t ever be sorry for
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191 crying, Sakura-chan. We all bleed sometimes. Crying is the same. Our
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192 tears build up inside and sometimes they need to spill out. If they
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193 didn’t, we’d drown in them. I don’t want my beautiful Sakura-chan
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194 drowning in a pool of tears. Sometimes you can’t fix things.
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195 Sometimes there’s nothing to do but cry and pick yourself up and
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196 carry on. Sakura-chan, I’ll always be there to help you get back up.
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197 I’ll always be your shoulder to cry on. Whoever breaks your heart,
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198 I’ll always try my hardest to mend it.” She leans forward, her eyes
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199 closing. My heart thumps rapidly in my chest. Her soft lips press
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200 against my cheek. She kisses again and again, trailing kisses over my
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201 cheeks. I can only stand there, my cheeks tinted a faint crimson as
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202 her lips move over me. She slowly pulls back, taking my eyes with her
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203 own again. “I’ll always be there to kiss away your tears,” she
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204 promises. I would never doubt her. Out of anyone, she’s the one I
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205 would never doubt even if the world were falling apart around me.
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206
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207 Nothing is fixed. But everything is better. I can’t help but smile
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208 at her, even through my tears. How did I ever get lucky enough to
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209 have a best friend like her? Everyone should have their own Tomoyo-
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210 chan, someone who cradles your heart like a holy relic, who is always
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211 there to catch you when you fall. But I would never want to share my
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212 Tomoyo-chan. I can’t imagine being without her. I pull her closer, my
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213 arms tightly around her waist. She moves with my urgings, ready to
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214 placate me in any way she can. I’m stronger than her, so it’s easy to
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215 pull her close. But I think, deep down, Tomoyo is stronger than all
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216 of us. She tells me how strong I am. But without her, I'm nothing.
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217 She’s my strength. She’s my courage. She’s my light in the darkness.
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218 “Everything will always be all right,” I whisper, chanting her words
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219 from so long ago, “only because I’m with you...”
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220
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221 Even I can tell that her pale cheeks are darkening at my words. But
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222 they’re true. I want her to know that. She’s what makes it all
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223 worthwhile. She’s what makes it all turn out all right. With her, I
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224 could face anything. Her arms are around my shoulders, her long dark
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225 hair fluttering about in the wind. She smiles, still blushing. The
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226 smallest things like that make her happy. But it’s simply a fact. I
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227 just wanted her to know that. I want to do bigger, better things to
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228 make her happy. If only I knew how. I’m only a clumsy, somewhat
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229 dense, overemotional teenage girl.
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230
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231 We’re kissing. I don’t even know who started it. But I really don’t
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232 care at this point. I pull her tighter against me, never getting her
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233 quite close enough. I’ll apologize for her bruises later. I’ll kiss
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234 them all away. Right now I need her as close to me as I can get her.
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235 I need her lips against mine. I need her. She clings to me, her hands
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236 pressed against my back. Her deep kisses are a far cry from the
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237 feathery kisses we had started with what felt like an eternity ago. I
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238 blush myself as I feel my beautiful best friend kissing away all of
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239 my tears, all of my pain, her tongue swirling against mine. Right now
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240 we don’t need any words. Nothing diluted, nothing distant or
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241 filtered. Just pure Tomoyo at her very essence. All that she is, all
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242 that I am, making something much more.
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243
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244 Tomoyo always came to my rescue. Whenever I was in trouble. She
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245 didn’t need a sword or magic. She’s always been my hero. She came to
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246 me with a camcorder and costumes, with love and adoration. She made
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247 me the star of her life. And it’s time I finally showed this small,
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248 delicate behind-the-scenes girl that she can play center stage in my
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249 life.
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